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Hi, all.

I've noticed that a couple others have posted on this, but I think our relationship and situation are unique. To be brief, my husband & I have been married for 15 years (and dated for 5 years beforehand). Before marrying, we both knew we wanted children. In fact, I went off the pill the month before our wedding. After 3 years of not conceiving, we started infertility treatments. Long story short, we tried everything, including IVF. After 8 years, we started talking adoption but decided to put it off until I finished grad school. Once I finished 4 years ago, he said he didn't think he wanted to adopt after all, that he would prefer a biological child. So we went back to the infertility doctor. With my advanced age (37 at the time), and the horrific side effects of the drugs (e.g., the doc wanted to put me on a drug that would force my body into menopause for 6 months--a drug that has given me horrific migraines in the past--to give me the "best chance of success"), I wasn't sure I wanted to put my body through it all again for a slim chance of success. So we took a break to think about it and shop around for better insurance in case we decided to try again. When I broached the topic with him 6 months later, he said he was having second thoughts due to his advanced age (41 at the time). He asked for some time to think about it.

Long story short, I've given him 4 years. I love him deeply. I married him for many reasons, but one of them was that he would be a great father. Kind, patient, calm, etc. But he recently told me that he no longer wants to be a dad. That he no longer has that internal desire to be a father. He does not envision spending the next 20 years raising a child. He has no answer to my question of what he *does* see himself doing over the next 20 years that a child will interfere with other than "saving up for retirement."

I still want to be a mother, and when people ask me if I'm going to have children or why I don't, it cuts me to the core. Baby showers are painful. Every time I spend time with nieces, nephews, etc., I long to have a child. After our last failed fertility cycle 5 years ago, he held me as I sobbed, and he promised that he would make sure that I would become a mom, no matter what. But he isn't living up to his word. The resentment is growing, and now when people ask me, I feel like saying that I am not a mom because my husband won't let me.

I feel like I am in an impossible situation. Either I grieve the loss of my husband in order to become a mom on my own (although I hear adoption is difficult if single), or I grieve the loss of our dream to expand our family. There is a part of me that thinks that I have more time to find a new love than have a child. My window is quickly closing. I cannot afford to give him more time. But even if he does change his mind, I fear that he will resent me and/or the child. But I have spent half my life with him and love him more than I can express here.

I don't know what to do. Advice?
 

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Hi, all.

I've noticed that a couple others have posted on this, but I think our relationship and situation are unique. To be brief, my husband & I have been married for 15 years (and dated for 5 years beforehand). Before marrying, we both knew we wanted children. In fact, I went off the pill the month before our wedding. After 3 years of not conceiving, we started infertility treatments. Long story short, we tried everything, including IVF. After 8 years, we started talking adoption but decided to put it off until I finished grad school. Once I finished 4 years ago, he said he didn't think he wanted to adopt after all, that he would prefer a biological child. So we went back to the infertility doctor. With my advanced age (37 at the time), and the horrific side effects of the drugs (e.g., the doc wanted to put me on a drug that would force my body into menopause for 6 months--a drug that has given me horrific migraines in the past--to give me the "best chance of success"), I wasn't sure I wanted to put my body through it all again for a slim chance of success. So we took a break to think about it and shop around for better insurance in case we decided to try again. When I broached the topic with him 6 months later, he said he was having second thoughts due to his advanced age (41 at the time). He asked for some time to think about it.

Long story short, I've given him 4 years. I love him deeply. I married him for many reasons, but one of them was that he would be a great father. Kind, patient, calm, etc. But he recently told me that he no longer wants to be a dad. That he no longer has that internal desire to be a father. He does not envision spending the next 20 years raising a child. He has no answer to my question of what he *does* see himself doing over the next 20 years that a child will interfere with other than "saving up for retirement."

I still want to be a mother, and when people ask me if I'm going to have children or why I don't, it cuts me to the core. Baby showers are painful. Every time I spend time with nieces, nephews, etc., I long to have a child. After our last failed fertility cycle 5 years ago, he held me as I sobbed, and he promised that he would make sure that I would become a mom, no matter what. But he isn't living up to his word. The resentment is growing, and now when people ask me, I feel like saying that I am not a mom because my husband won't let me.

I feel like I am in an impossible situation. Either I grieve the loss of my husband in order to become a mom on my own (although I hear adoption is difficult if single), or I grieve the loss of our dream to expand our family. There is a part of me that thinks that I have more time to find a new love than have a child. My window is quickly closing. I cannot afford to give him more time. But even if he does change his mind, I fear that he will resent me and/or the child. But I have spent half my life with him and love him more than I can express here.

I don't know what to do. Advice?
I have no advice other than follow your heart.

The only correction to your POST above is that you stated "grieve the loss of our dream to expand out family." Now that appears to be only your dream.

You two have been together a long time -- been through alot with IV and schooling and I am sure tons of other normal life stuff.

Only you know what your heart says -- I am guessing your head and heart are saying 2 different things.

Wishing you the best with your decision --

I don't know if there is a wrong or right decision to your situation -- All I can say is make the best decision knowing all the facts about your life with your husband and go on from there.

This is also from a male perspective.
 

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Maybe all the pain he has seen you go through has changed his mind...I know it would if it was me. My sister went through the ivf treatments for years and finally got pregnant...but I know it caused a lot of problems because of the sheer amount of agony and heartache that she went through...

They years and treatment probably changed his mind and along with the age its looking to me like he just doesn't want the golden yeara to be spent raising a kid
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Thats a very difficult situation. Im a man and personally would never want to adopt, i would rather go through life not being a father than to raise a child that is not my own and i know many men who feel this way as well.

I feel he may be giving up on the dream of having a child, maybe he has decided its not possible to have a child of his own and in his mind adoption is not an option so he has moved on, pushed disappointment aside and is ready to live his life childless.
 

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Hi Babylove, I encourage you to read my post about what I am going through right now. Our stories are different but have similarities and we are the same ages. I am the wife who after going through losses has decided that I no longer want to try. Hubs still wants his biological child. I hope that I can provide you some insight into all of the facets that your husband is going through by sharing my story in this forum because perhaps I share his vantage point. If you would like to discuss further, feel free to private message me and we could even exchange phone numbers for a chat. Perhaps we can both help each other to understand our spouses' perspectives?
 

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Im a man and personally would never want to adopt, i would rather go through life not being a father than to raise a child that is not my own
Hi Toshiba, could you provide us ladies with some insight on that? I just don't understand it because families can be comprised of so many different un-biologically related people to me. Does that make sense? No. Let me rephrase. For me, I love my husband as if he had come from own genes and knowing that I could love a person that much means that there are others out there whom I don't know that I could love that much too. To me, family is about people who are there for you, love you, share experiences with you and it doesn't really matter to me if there is a true biological connection or not. I love my inlaws, the family I married into, and I am not biologically related to them. They accepted me as theirs and I them. If my husband was to die tomorrow, I know that I would still be a part of the family. My husband's sister died and the widowed husband and his new wife are still a part of the family joining us for Christmas and such. His new wife is a part of our family too. Why is this not the same for some folks? Why does love and ownership have to be attached to a biological imperative?
 

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As a woman, I feel the same way as Toshiba2020. I would never want a child if it is not my biological child. I would be happy living a childless life with just my husband than to raise a child that was not created by me and my husband, but by someone else. It's a lot of expense and responsibility and your humble life is drastically changed. I would make such sacrifices only for my own biological child, I wouldn't go through such a life change in raising someone else's child.
 

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I would make such sacrifices only for my own biological child, I wouldn't go through such a life change in raising someone else's child.
But I don't understand, if you are ready to be parents and are unable to have your own, why would it be so horrible to adopt? Your life was going to change with your biological child anyway so why not just change it through adoption? If you want to be a parent, be a parent, is it really that important to see your eyes or nose on a child? Unless you get a child outside of your race no one will ever question that this is your child on first appearances. Family is about love not whether it was pushed out of my vagina or not?

If you've read my other posts, you know that I have considered adoption and my husband has refused. Now I no longer want to birth or adopt, I want to move on. I'm waiting to see what he decides.
 

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I don't think it would be horrible at all. You can have a beautiful family though adoption alone. It's really hard to answer this because while I do agree with you, it's YOUR child no matter what, I would only want my own biological child if I were to have children at all. But I'm someone who could go either way, either be a parent or childless and I'll be happy with my life either way. Other people who have a deep desire within them to be a parent might feel differently than I would and adoption would be the same as a biological child.
 
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