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Hello everyone! I've been lurking these forums for a couple days and thought this would be a good place to ask my question.

I am not married, but my girlfriend and I have been together over 6 years. We have every intention of getting married, it's just not high on our list of priorities at this time - lots of other stuff going on in our lives. I am 28, she is 27.

On to my question... a little backstory but I'll try to keep this as brief as possible.

Towards the end of last year my girlfriend was diagnosed with endometriosis. She had surgery some time in November which helped for a while, but unfortunately it came back resulting in sex being painful for her so our sex life has been a bit lacking over the past 6 months or so.

The doctors have been bouncing her from drug to drug to deal with this and every one impacts her differently. Some made her very moody, some made her bleed incessantly, etc. There was a point where we didn't have sex for over 6 weeks.

I will admit it this whole ordeal has been a bit sexually frustrating, but I love this woman and have stood by her through all of this. She was sexually frustrated as well, unfortunately there wasn't much we could do about it.

However at one point through that 6 week period I was awoken in the middle of the night by her moaning - sexually. She was dreaming. I've NEVER heard her dream like this. I thought it was cute actually. I asked her the next morning about what she was dreaming about, she claimed she couldn't remember. No biggie.

However the next night - same thing, more intense this time. Again I asked her in the morning what she was dreaming about. She said she knew it was sexual but couldn't remember any details. Again, I wrote it off as nothing.

But it came out a few nights later after some drinks. We had been drinking at home together, then I went to the bar with a buddy for about an hour. My girlfriend had been feeling better "down there" and we had been making the motions earlier in the evening that we were going to have sex that night. Flirting, body language, touching, etc.

While at the bar we were exchanging some risque texts. I don't remember the exact context but at one point I said something to the effect of getting her to "moan like you have been in your dreams". She replied that she doesn't know why she's having those dreams, but she knew who they were about/involved and didn't want to tell me.

I asked her to tell me (we keep nothing from eachother). She said it didn't matter because "he" couldn't do it any more anyways.

I immediately knew who she was talking about. You see, she had a boyfriend when we first met. When they broke up he kind of went off the deep end - started drinking a lot. One night he got completely plastered and decided to blast down a highway over 100 mph and hit a Rail Road crossing light post. He was ejected and did not survive.

My girlfriend has always bore the burden of feeling somewhat responsible for his death. Hell even I feel a bit to blame. He was not a bad guy by any means.

Back to our texting. I was taken aback. As I stated above, we tell eachother everything. I asked her why she wouldn't just tell me this. She said she didn't know.


Let me be clear here: I was NOT upset about the dream she had. I was upset that she lied to me about it. I'm not some kind of jerk that would blame someone for what their subconscious does, nor am I a jealous person. I have dreams about ex's every now and again myself, sometimes even sexual in nature.


I went home but didn't speak to her for the rest of the night. I slept on the couch.


We talked the next day. I explained to her that I was hurt by the lie, not the dream, and the fact she felt the need to hide it made me feel as though there was something he did for her that I don't. She swore that was not the case, she loved me and me alone, she just didn't feel anything good would come of her telling me.


She may have been right, I simply felt betrayed. We have never hid anything from eachother, no matter how trivial.


It is behind us now, but I can't help but wonder if I was wrong to be upset over it? How would you folks feel in a similar situation?
 

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Perhaps she was trying to spare your feelings about her dreaming about having sex with her ex. because she cares about you. It kinda backfired on her wouldn't you say as you are upset she lied. Go easy on her buddy. You've said your peace. It was a little white lie to protect your feelings and I believe she thought about it and figured it was wrong to lie to you so she told you. She's a good woman. :)

There is an old proverb thats says "Never use an axe to remove a fly from your best friends forehead"
 

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I'd be a little upset. You let her know you felt betrayed. She understood why. The fine line is reacting in a way that does not discourage her from being open in the future.
I have dreams about ex's every now and again myself, sometimes even sexual in nature.
So we can assume you've told her all about these?
 

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I do think this is really a petty thing to get upset about. Really, you should of not pushed the issue.

I have nightmares every night for the last year and a half. One thing I do not want to do is discuss my subconscious mind and my vivid nightmares. It's stressful enough to live through daily nightmares from a side effect of a medication.

I would chose your battles more wisely. It does sound like you have some insecurity over this issue.
 

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IMO she shouldn't have told you. It has nothing to do with dishonesty or that she shouldn't tell you things etc...BUT I do believe things like that don't really need to be told, because chances are, you will now wonder how often, or if every time she moans in a dream, or every time you have sex if she thinks about her ex. Doubt and concern have now been placed in your mind. Chances are it will be like this after you're married as well.
 
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Discussion Starter #6
So we can assume you've told her all about these?
It's not as though I wake up in the mornind and say "hey, I had a dream about xxxxx last night". But if it comes up in the course of conversation, absolutely.

Apparently I talk in my sleep... :)
 

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IMO she shouldn't have told you. It has nothing to do with dishonesty or that she shouldn't tell you things etc...BUT I do believe things like that don't really need to be told, because chances are, you will now wonder how often, or if every time she moans in a dream, or every time you have sex if she thinks about her ex. Doubt and concern have now been placed in your mind. Chances are it will be like this after you're married as well.

No doubts have been placed in my mind. I trust her implicitly. We discuss anything and everything. Matter of fact, during a conversation the other night about past relationships she informed me that a prior ex was "bigger" than me. Didn't phase me at all.

I appreciate honesty, even if it is volunteered.
 

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I do think this is really a petty thing to get upset about. Really, you should of not pushed the issue.

I have nightmares every night for the last year and a half. One thing I do not want to do is discuss my subconscious mind and my vivid nightmares. It's stressful enough to live through daily nightmares from a side effect of a medication.

I would chose your battles more wisely. It does sound like you have some insecurity over this issue.
If she didn't want to tell him, she shouldn't have said she knew who they were about, but won't tell him.

It's one thing if she laughs off his comment about making her moan like she does in her dreams, it's another to mention she knows who its about, but refuses to tell him. Especially when there is a history of being completely open about everything. It raises a red flag when this is the one issue in which she refuses to speak about.
 

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"She said it didn't matter because "he" couldn't do it any more anyways."

This is the part she shouldn't have said...it was pointless and served no purpose other than to make you realize who she was talking about... perhaps she was looking to make you a little jealous, and if you're not, well thats good...and thats fine if you say doubt hasn't been placed in your mind, but obviously it was or you wouldn't be here asking what we thought if we were in a similar situation..
 

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My feeling is that she is both trying to spare your feelings and simultaneously needing to talk about it - and thereby caught somewhere in betweeen.

Sounds like a horrible situation. wow.

Your bailing out on her and sleeping on the couch probably didnt help matters. I think you are grasping onto the 'lie' as the problem, and perhaps missing the larger issue which is that she has some unresolved guilt and issues about it (you state this) and may - rightly or wrongly - feel like she cant, or shouldnt talk too much about it. Im guessing you are hurt - and not only because of the little coverup.

I'd say you made too much out of it. If you run into somthing like that again - you need to gently help it out of her.. let her air it out if she chooses. Give her that option. Dont dig, or resist.

Sound like you both have been through alot and not just the sickness. I can only imagine what sort of conflicting emotions that (suicide) could generate - and emotional confusion.

I dont think you were wrong to be upset... you cant control your emotions like that... but maybe you both could figure out a way to talk about it when that sort of thing bubbles to the surface. It may be the only way to get it resolved.

Must be very hard to see - your wife having dreamsex and all that is wrapped up in that messed up situation.
 

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I think you over reacted on this one too

If you'd just let it slide and the next day said "Honey, I just want you to know that while I am glad you finally told me about the dreams, I was a little disappointed in the fact that you originally felt you needed to lie to protect my feelings. Please don't do that again"
 

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I didn't read all the posts, sorry it might be double. It is a HUGE burden your gf has. I would not like to live with such a burden and sure she does not somewhat feel responsible for his death, she feels responsible. Even if her ex would have suicded otherwise too. This might explain her physical issues too both things could be related.
 

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It was a little white lie to protect your feelings and I believe she thought about it and figured it was wrong to lie to you so she told you. She's a good woman
 

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Good for you. With me, it will be messy, for I do have insecurities for those things. Anyway, I think you reation was acceptable.
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