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I'm really struggling with this right now. Everything went down almost 2.5 years ago, and yet I feel like I re-live or at least think of some aspect of it daily. I don't know how to forget everything that happened.

Still married, almost 3 y/o son, 3 sessions MC after D day
 

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I don't know what to tell you girl, I don't think you ever DO truly forget. It's an itch in the back of the brain that'll always come back needing to be scratched. Sometimes it'll be so bad you'll have to talk / ask about it again. Which is only torturous I'm sure to everyone.

I'm sorry you're here, but I wish you well and hope everything turns to a positive side for you.

Dewayne
 
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You can't forget, even if you want to but as mentioned...who would want to?

Are you a stay at home mom? Find something aside from the house and your baby to keep you occupied. Read, garden, find a hobby.
 

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Honestly, I think fORGETTING is very dangerous. If youre talking about fORGIVING then thats different. But what we forget we are doomed to repeat.

Sure you want to forget???
I Just don't want to be reminded and think about what he did every. single. day. Sometimes I think had I left, it'd be easier, granted I know ever trusting anyone ever again, will be extremely difficult. Sometimes I can hear all of the things he'd said while in the affair thru my head, and all the while none of it had to do with me, it was him unhappy with himself.
 

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I highly doubt that we ever forget. I just think it lingers in the back of our mind. Somedays its good, some bad. It is what you do about those thoughts that count.
 

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Has your H given you full transparency into the affair? Has he answered ALL of your questions until you no longer feel the need to ask them? If you haven't been able to let your mind work all the way through it, to go and ask whatever it needs - if there are unanswered details or questions - it will continue to eat at you. It will eat at you until those issues are addressed.

I agree with CTU you don't want to forget it but what you do want is to make peace with it. To do that you have to believe that you know and have seen all there is to know and see.

Why only three visits with a MC?
 

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Why do you want you forget?
You can't heal what you don't feel. Feel he pain to heal from it.
The awareness our trusted ones can deceive and hurt us so badly while an horrible realizarion is a good thing. I'm way ahead you in the healing process, not forgetting is good. You can't understand it for now but I think there's a healthy level of lack of trust in marriages. Otherwise ww take our partners for granted. It's also useful because it force us to trust our gut, to be pretective of ourselves. Good stuff, really.


Sorry you are in so deep pain. It shall pass. I promise you.
 

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In 2.5 years, things should have become better. Is you counselor a good one?
You have not reconciled, yet.
Focus on your recovery first.
 

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I'm really struggling with this right now. Everything went down almost 2.5 years ago, and yet I feel like I re-live or at least think of some aspect of it daily. I don't know how to forget everything that happened.

Still married, almost 3 y/o son, 3 sessions MC after D day
I have never forgotten. But I did forgive, eventually.

Though I did suppress some stuff that I didn't want to deal with.;)
 

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Hello girl. welcome to the site. I am truly sorry that it is under these circumstances that you are here. You are here, though and you ahve valid questions.

I went through the same thing almost 3 years ago. In fact, 2 days from today will be the third anniversary of the first day she cheated on me, although it would not be until January 01 that I would find out for sure.

During that span of a couple of months, my wife had become distant and started arguments almost daily with me. It all came to a pinnacle on December 19th, Later, I found that to be the last time that she had sex with him. She came home late from work on that day and brought home take-out chicken home for dinner. I suspected nothing and even defended her to family and friends who told me that she was cheating. I told them that there was absolutely no way she would ever do that to me or anyone else.

After dinner, I asked her to come out onto the deck because we had to talk about whatever it was tht she was so angry with me about. We went outside, sat down, lit up a cigarette and said "What do you want to talk about?"

I told her that I was afraid that our marriage is all but over unless we do something to fix whatever problems we were having. She glared at me and told me that we needed to consider that it may be time to separate.

She told me that she never loved me the way I loved her, that she had hoped that she would have learned, but that she didn't and she really should have not married me in the first place. She told me that she did not care for the sex anymore and that it was just over.

As my emotions exploded into tears, she sat there, staring at me with zero emotion on her face and even reinforced it by saying "See, I should feel SOMETHING after devastating you like this, but I don't. It's over." She then began telling me every reason I was a complete sack of crap and completely unworthy of a second chance. She blamed everything on me and I took it. I got in my car and drove around crying all night long until 6am when she had to leave to go to work.

Over the next couple of weeks, I became a complete slave to her. I waited on her hand and foot. I catered to her every whim. I became a chump overnight. In return, she had to listen to me begging her to reconsider her position.

She wanted to go out to a singles bar with "the girls" on New Years Eve. I finally convinced her to go out with me. i spent every penny I had to take her to a jazz club that under normal circumstances, she would have loved. She was cold and standoffish all night.

On the hour ling drive home from the jazz club, I got a complete feeling that there was someone else, and I was going to find out. I took her phone as she slept, and long story short, I found the guy. I had his name, address, phone number, email address, knew where he worked and pulled up an image of his house on Google Earth, only to see her car in his driveway on the street level view.

The next morning, she wanted to talk to me (before she knew what I had found out) and asked me to read a letter that she wrote. It was a letter telling me that she had found someone else and that they were meant to be together, blah blah blah... I then proceeded to tell HER who he was and gave her details of the affair and the email messages she had been exchanging with him. I knew everything and I blindsided her with it. Tears erupted, apologies were made and the lies began.

It took me a total of 3 months to drag the truth out of her, but I finally was convinced that I got it all. There was shouting and begging. There was screaming and crying. There was a complete loss of control many times over. She begged for my forgiveness. She laid in the closet and cried for days at a time. It was horrible... To compound matters, she had to fess up to being pregnant, and it was a flip of the coin whether the baby was his or mine. Everything that COULD go wrong DID... MANY times over.

She is now jealous of me and constantly gets the idea that I am behaving inappropriately with others.

To answer your question... Old ghosts linger. They come around at the worst possible times. I have forgiven, but there is no forgetting. It affects me at times in ways I didn't see coming. I know that there are some things about our sexual regimen that she doesn't like that I do, so I just stopped asking. It is all done her way.

even though she tells me that she doesn't mind the things I want to do, her actions tell me differently.

I will never forget the things that happened. It will get worse for me soon, because anniversary dates seem to have a way to presenting themselves. there is a certain shirt that she wears that I hate (too bad because it really looks nice on her) because she was wearing it on Christmas morning that year. Christmas sucked royally for me that year, so when I see that shirt, that's all I can think about.

My daily life is pretty much back to normal and out marriage is good again, but no, i won't forget what happened. Yes, sometimes it affects my mood. Yes, sometimes I secretly get angry with her over it all over again. Those are the demons that will resurface, but will fade in intensity over time... but ONLY time will take care of them.
 

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Well, you wont forget will you. How can you?

If you and your spouse are lucky you might forgive, but you will never forget. Not till your dying day, it will always be there, sad to say.

Take one day as it comes, take as much time as it takes to start to feel better, but don't ever expect to forget.
 

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I had his name, address, phone number, email address, knew where he worked and pulled up an image of his house on Google Earth, only to see her car in his driveway on the street level view.
Ironically enough the same thing happened to me. I googled my husbands best friends house, where he was staying while we were separated and saw the OW's truck in front of his house. This was after we had R so it was like salting the wound.

I am pretty much in the same position you are at this moment. H has been back for almost 3 years now but EVERY DAY I struggle with something. Its like even on good days, a ghost comes to visit you! :(
 
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Hello girl. welcome to the site. I am truly sorry that it is under these circumstances that you are here. You are here, though and you ahve valid questions.

I went through the same thing almost 3 years ago. In fact, 2 days from today will be the third anniversary of the first day she cheated on me, although it would not be until January 01 that I would find out for sure.

During that span of a couple of months, my wife had become distant and started arguments almost daily with me. It all came to a pinnacle on December 19th, Later, I found that to be the last time that she had sex with him. She came home late from work on that day and brought home take-out chicken home for dinner. I suspected nothing and even defended her to family and friends who told me that she was cheating. I told them that there was absolutely no way she would ever do that to me or anyone else.

After dinner, I asked her to come out onto the deck because we had to talk about whatever it was tht she was so angry with me about. We went outside, sat down, lit up a cigarette and said "What do you want to talk about?"

I told her that I was afraid that our marriage is all but over unless we do something to fix whatever problems we were having. She glared at me and told me that we needed to consider that it may be time to separate.

She told me that she never loved me the way I loved her, that she had hoped that she would have learned, but that she didn't and she really should have not married me in the first place. She told me that she did not care for the sex anymore and that it was just over.

As my emotions exploded into tears, she sat there, staring at me with zero emotion on her face and even reinforced it by saying "See, I should feel SOMETHING after devastating you like this, but I don't. It's over." She then began telling me every reason I was a complete sack of crap and completely unworthy of a second chance. She blamed everything on me and I took it. I got in my car and drove around crying all night long until 6am when she had to leave to go to work.

Over the next couple of weeks, I became a complete slave to her. I waited on her hand and foot. I catered to her every whim. I became a chump overnight. In return, she had to listen to me begging her to reconsider her position.

She wanted to go out to a singles bar with "the girls" on New Years Eve. I finally convinced her to go out with me. i spent every penny I had to take her to a jazz club that under normal circumstances, she would have loved. She was cold and standoffish all night.

On the hour ling drive home from the jazz club, I got a complete feeling that there was someone else, and I was going to find out. I took her phone as she slept, and long story short, I found the guy. I had his name, address, phone number, email address, knew where he worked and pulled up an image of his house on Google Earth, only to see her car in his driveway on the street level view.

The next morning, she wanted to talk to me (before she knew what I had found out) and asked me to read a letter that she wrote. It was a letter telling me that she had found someone else and that they were meant to be together, blah blah blah... I then proceeded to tell HER who he was and gave her details of the affair and the email messages she had been exchanging with him. I knew everything and I blindsided her with it. Tears erupted, apologies were made and the lies began.

It took me a total of 3 months to drag the truth out of her, but I finally was convinced that I got it all. There was shouting and begging. There was screaming and crying. There was a complete loss of control many times over. She begged for my forgiveness. She laid in the closet and cried for days at a time. It was horrible... To compound matters, she had to fess up to being pregnant, and it was a flip of the coin whether the baby was his or mine. Everything that COULD go wrong DID... MANY times over.

She is now jealous of me and constantly gets the idea that I am behaving inappropriately with others.

To answer your question... Old ghosts linger. They come around at the worst possible times. I have forgiven, but there is no forgetting. It affects me at times in ways I didn't see coming. I know that there are some things about our sexual regimen that she doesn't like that I do, so I just stopped asking. It is all done her way.

even though she tells me that she doesn't mind the things I want to do, her actions tell me differently.

I will never forget the things that happened. It will get worse for me soon, because anniversary dates seem to have a way to presenting themselves. there is a certain shirt that she wears that I hate (too bad because it really looks nice on her) because she was wearing it on Christmas morning that year. Christmas sucked royally for me that year, so when I see that shirt, that's all I can think about.

My daily life is pretty much back to normal and out marriage is good again, but no, i won't forget what happened. Yes, sometimes it affects my mood. Yes, sometimes I secretly get angry with her over it all over again. Those are the demons that will resurface, but will fade in intensity over time... but ONLY time will take care of them.
Your resentment and occassional anger is normal.

I think, too many marriage counselors gloss over this normal reaction to being betrayed.

The fact that your wife thinks she could have gotten pregnant with the OM's sperms suggests they did not use condoms or any barrier methods that could at least block SOME STDs

That shows how immature, disrespectful and self absorbed cheaters are.

Don't ever forget, if you manage to stay, but please always stay on guard.

I think the saying once a cheater always a cheater is all too common.

Why?

Because most cheaters cheat because they are selfish and immature and unrealistic about marriage in general.

Those traits are not easy to change.
 

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Well, you wont forget will you. How can you?

If you and your spouse are lucky you might forgive, but you will never forget. Not till your dying day, it will always be there, sad to say.

Take one day as it comes, take as much time as it takes to start to feel better, but don't ever expect to forget.
I agree.

It amazes me how cheaters so stupidly believe that they can so easily put the genie back in the bottle.

Once a cheater cheats on a loyal spouse, it forever changes the marriage.
 

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I'm right there with you. Some days are better, some are worse. But overall, there's more better than worse. The farther out we get, the more that's true.
 

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You are not supposed to forget, if you do and put it all in a nicely giftwrapped box, you will suffer some day in the future.

Since you are further out than myself (19 months), my advice for you is to learn acceptance. I know exactly how you must feel, I am living it myself each and every day. Not a day goes by without me thinking about what happened, still I am sad from time to time, but the mood swings are less frequent and less dramatic though.

By acceptance I mean, that you need to accept what happened, that it happened and the persons that made it happen. You can't change any of those. So accept it, you don't have to like it, but accept it. Accept that you cannot change anything but yourself and your own course in life.

So if you are not happy with your situation, change you or change your plan for your life. Accept or change - no other alternatives.

I know damn well that it isn't easy, I slip from time to time as well, but understanding the power of acceptance will give some new tools to work with - it was just what I needed at least. Let me know if you could use some readings in this direction, and I will be happy to share :)

Hang in there, I guess it was a rough day.
 
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