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Discussion Starter #1
Hello -

Been married 18 years to a very depressed, pot-addicted man. I shut off from him emotionally/physically many, many years ago and have made the step in January of separation and trying to move out. He does not accept that this is happening and has been extremely emotional/volatile.

We have a 5 1/2 year old son.

I found a condo to move into (mid-March) and I need to tell my husband that this is what I am doing. I've already consulted an attorney about whether I could move with my son or not, and it's okay (staying in same school district and near our current home, which is a rental). It is a done deal. Now I have to tell my husband so that he can prepare himself and so we can talk to our son.

Thing is, is there any way to really approach telling him that is best? I have told him many times since January that I am separating from him and that I believed living under a different roof was the best idea during the separation. I would like to tell him this weekend, as waiting any more would not be fair.

Does anyone have advice about how to handle this? Experiences? I appreciate your insight. Thank you.

- MrsBird
 

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If he's unstable, I would think waiting until that last possible moment might be best.

Some people here have done their first big move while their spouse was actually out of the house and unaware of what was going on. Then come back later with your biggest male family members or friends and talk to him while they load up the rest of your stuff.
 

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and have made the step in January of separation and trying to move out. He does not accept that this is happening and has been extremely emotional/volatile.

Thing is, is there any way to really approach telling him that is best?
I would strongly advise that you tell your attorney about your husband's volatile reactions to your moving out. There may be need for a restraining order, or you might have to just get as many friends as possible to help you with the move and not tell your husband any of the details.

I assume that there might be the possibility of physical abuse from your husband or some other irrational behavior. His not accepting what you have told him thus far is a good barometer of how off-the-wall he may become when you sit down to have "the talk."

I believe rational discussions are only the right way to proceed when both parties are behaving rationally. If you're dealing with an addict, and it sounds to me like you are, you have a loose canon on your deck.

One that you cannot afford to have go off in response to your announcement.

I left my alcoholic husband without telling him the date I was leaving or where I was going. I had two BIG guys come in and move my boxes into the truck I rented. It sorta blindsided my ex, but he was pretty drunk the day I moved, so he wasn't capable of starting up a huge fight. I also felt safe having two guys there who were willing to call the police if anything got out of hand.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
Thank you for your replies - He is emotionally abusive/manipulative and extremely immature (he pulled the "I will die without you" card).

I have been fearful to sleep because I would wake up with him on the end of the couch bed staring at me, among other things. He promised he would not hurt me, but I don't know because he is mentally distraught and unstable.

I don't want him accusing me of kidnapping our son. A friend of mine says to tell him nothing about where I am moving to, to move on a day he is at work, and set an agreed-upon place and time to meet with our son (like a Starbucks).

I have a hard time digesting that my husband is nuts, but judging by his actions since I told him Jan. 11 that I want to go, he has me worried.
 

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I have been fearful to sleep because I would wake up with him on the end of the couch bed staring at me. ... He promised he would not hurt me, but I don't know because he is mentally distraught and unstable.

I don't want him accusing me of kidnapping our son. A friend of mine says to tell him nothing about where I am moving to, to move on a day he is at work, and set an agreed-upon place and time to meet with our son (like a Starbucks).

I have a hard time digesting that my husband is nuts, but judging by his actions since I told him Jan. 11 that I want to go, he has me worried.
TRUST YOUR GUT INSTINCTS. And AGAIN ... call your attorney! Promises? Jeesh ... the guy is freaking you out by staring at you while you're sleeping. Talk is cheap and he will probably say anything in the hopes of manipulating you into staying. The more he sees your resolve, the more likely he is to pull out all stops and get physical. I've been there, and I know that when I walked, I made sure he knew as little as possible.

This really hit home with me, because as my marriage deteriorated, I spent more and more time in the finished basement watching t.v. while the hubby was upstairs on the main floor drinking and on the top floor sleeping in the master bedroom. That is, until I awoke around 4 a.m. one morning ... The light was still on, but I think I had turned off the set. Anyway, husband was sitting on the other couch just staring at me. YIKES!! The look on his face was a portrait of studied contempt. His eyes looked dead to me, but I could feel the anger coming in my direction. Scared the heck outta me, but I didn't let him know that at the time; just told him to get his azz off the couch, go to bed, and get out of my space.

The last year of my marriage (or should I say, incarceration), I slept in the spare bedroom with the door locked, and my cell phone within arm's reach.

Take the promises he makes to you with a HUGE grain of salt.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
The last year of my marriage (or should I say, incarceration), I slept in the spare bedroom with the door locked, and my cell phone within arm's reach.

Take the promises he makes to you with a HUGE grain of salt.
God, your story sounds similar to mine. He has done this several times, as well as other things that freak me out. The other day, I came home from work with my son to find a trail of rose petals down the hall to what was our bedroom. I opened the door and pasted to a fan was a big sign "I LOVE YOU." "We belong together forever." It weirded me out, and because I had no place to sleep with a locking door, I decided to turn the locking doorknob around on my son's bedroom door, drag the couch mattress in there and at least have that as a haven. Well, he came home and saw the knob, said he would not be having me locked up with our son, and disappeared. Later, I saw that he had turned the knob around. :(

When I have asked him to not sit on the bed or continue to harass me, he does not listen. He will not leave, even when our son is there. I hate it. And yes, my gut says that I need to get out.
 

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Why after all you have gone through, your concerned about telling him at all baffles me...wait until he is gone for a period of time and just move!!!

even if you have to store things for a few days, do it...
 

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I went to the Police station and had a talk w/ the officer on duty, he informed me that if she was a violent person they would be happy to watch while I got my things together, they just needed a heads up on what day/time-how cool is that?
You all must be thinking I'm a wuss, my wife hit me.....I don't hit girls, women, transvestites..lol but on the serious side my wife has hit me many times, she gets "crazy eyes" and she's just not herself! It runs in the family.
SD
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Well, I told him and he didn't go ape. Instead, he became deliriously devastated, wailing and moaning through the house at all hours of the night. Asking me the same questions over and over and over again all day and into the night. Pulling at straws, insisting that we could make it work by staying under the same roof as "roomies." He said he would go to counseling. Go to the doctor. Let me do what I want IF ONLY I promised to not go "just yet."

Thing is, there is nothing he could do to make me want to stay, it's that dead from years of put-downs and criticisms. I think he's more concerned about missing his cook and laundress than his wife. Not sure. Now I have a few weeks of listening to him wail and moan and attempt to get me to reconsider.

At least he didn't take things to another level.
 

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I just told my husband of 35 years that I needed to move out and signed a lease yesterday. He said that life goes on and not a word since. I guess there are two very opposite reactions that can happen. But if anyone is scared, creeped out, our fears for their safety, they should not waste much time in conversation.
 

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HiMaint57, this thread you posted on is from 2011. You should start your own thread for your own situation.
 
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