Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 16 of 16 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I am new here and looking for help. I looked but didn't see anything on this subject...

My ex and I have spoken for 9 hours over the last 2 days about reconciling - what went wrong, how not to make the same mistakes, etc. We are both to blame. However, my friends are going to think I have rocks for brains...in fact, I may lose a friendship over this. I don't know how to break it to them.

I made the mistake of telling a few close friends all the gory details...I really didn't think getting back was in the realm of possibilities. But, God is still in the miracle business...and that's what is happening.

As I said, we are both to blame but they only know the yucky stuff about him. We are grown adults - 48 and 53 - and this is the man with whom I want to share my life. He has laid his heart out and I know we are meant to be together. How do I handle my friends? What do I say?

Yes, he did treat me badly (not physically, just not in a loving manner) and I thought he was looking around (via dating sites). Regardless, we know what needs to be worked on and are willing to do the work. But he is a loser to my friends and not deserving of me, etc.

Has anyone else had this experience? What did you do?

I appreciate any insight you can provide.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
300 Posts
1) Your friends should stand with your decision. If somebody is no longer going to be a friend then perhaps they have something to gain by your split up?

2) To my wifes friends I look like the biggest jerk in the world and frankly I could not care less what they think of me. They only get one side of things, they have no Idea what I have put up with. Perhaps they could understand things better if you are willing to tell them your faults and contributions to the situation. If they are not getting the complete picture they are going to give you bad advice. I know all my wife is hearing is that she should move out.

Take this advice as you will because I am a jerk or a victim or both? Even I am not sure anymore. :scratchhead:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
Thank you for your advice. I've always prefaced my remarks to my friends with 'I'm not perfect either, but..' and would proceed to tell them details of our relationship. Of course, I never specified exactly what my faults were. I don't know if telling them now would sway their opinion of my fiance though. It's worth a try.

I'm of the mind that they should stand by my decision...if they shun me so be it. They are not the ones I want to grow old with. It wouldn't be so bad but we belong to a group that has a lot of social events (a hiking/skiing/adventure club) so we have many mutual friends. After we broke up I made sure to tell most people just how horrible he was to me. Very wrong of me I know...but I was hurting and it seemed so easy that he could go on and not look back (this is how it appeared to me). I just want to now say to all of them that forgiveness is a wonderful thing and love is divine.

I just don't know whether to tell them or just show up at an event together...it would definitely be shock to most. I keep telling myself that life is short and love is rare. I am very lucky to have someone that loves me and wants to spend his life with me. I need to just deal with my friends somehow.

Thanks.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,815 Posts
True friends don't judge, but when a mistake is made they don't tell you " I told you so" but offer up a cup of coffe and a shoulder to cry on.

True friends can step back and let you make the choice you make only to still be your friends years from now.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
I agree. The one friend that I feel will be the most vocal has had her share of relationship missteps (that's a nice word) and even when I thought she was crazy I never said so and always supported her. I only want the same in return but she is a very cynical person and I don't expect her to be so kind.

So maybe she isn't a true friend. I do know I have some friends who will be supportive...I need to remember that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
211 Posts
So . . . because of a picture you painted for your friends of what an awful human being this man is, if they dont 100% accept him back into their lives (as you say you are a very social group therefore they will be spending a lot of time with him) then they arent true friends? Really?

This entire situation was created by you so therefore i think you should be the person putting in a lot of effort to make it right, and yes that may mean hearing a few choice words from your friends.

Let them have their say, then explain your side including what you did to lead to the state your relationship ended up in. They cant have an objective view with only half of the facts.

Also, perhaps from now on keep personal matters to yourself. Then you wont need to explain your decisions to other people.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
158 Posts
Your friends will for the most part always be on your side. I don't know the dynamics of your friendships, but if you are telling them every time you go through something, it's going to be hard for them to remain objective. We don't want to see our friends hurt.

Now if it's to the point that you are going to lose a friend, then you really need to reevaluate that friendship anyway. You are an adult and can make your own decisions even if they don't agree. Even if they don't like you with your partner, they should still stand by you.

ETA: I realized I didn't answer your question.

I would just tell them, if they are really your friends, like the above poster said, let them have their say but be firm in your decision to get back with him if that's what you want.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter #8
So . . . because of a picture you painted for your friends of what an awful human being this man is, if they dont 100% accept him back into their lives (as you say you are a very social group therefore they will be spending a lot of time with him) then they arent true friends? Really?

This entire situation was created by you so therefore i think you should be the person putting in a lot of effort to make it right, and yes that may mean hearing a few choice words from your friends.

Let them have their say, then explain your side including what you did to lead to the state your relationship ended up in. They cant have an objective view with only half of the facts.

Also, perhaps from now on keep personal matters to yourself. Then you wont need to explain your decisions to other people.
I am putting in a lot of effort to make it right. I am seeking help here so I can do the right thing. I agree that from now on my personal matters need to be kept to myself. That doesn't address my immediate concern, however.

I'm sure one or two will have choice words but that's the bed I've made for myself. Part of me doesn't even want to divulge what went into our reconciliation as I now see the need to keep my private life private.

Thank you for your feedback. Very harsh, but it's reality.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter #9
Your friends will for the most part always be on your side. I don't know the dynamics of your friendships, but if you are telling them every time you go through something, it's going to be hard for them to remain objective. We don't want to see our friends hurt.

Now if it's to the point that you are going to lose a friend, then you really need to reevaluate that friendship anyway. You are an adult and can make your own decisions even if they don't agree. Even if they don't like you with your partner, they should still stand by you.

ETA: I realized I didn't answer your question.

I would just tell them, if they are really your friends, like the above poster said, let them have their say but be firm in your decision to get back with him if that's what you want.
Yes, I have been telling my friends (my BFF in particular) every time something has gone wrong over the past 5 years. I need to get things off my chest and vent sometimes. I see now that maybe a counselor would have been better suited for that role.

I have learned a very hard lesson, that's for sure.

Thank you for your advice.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
9,737 Posts
If you let them know that you are aware that you may be setting yourself up for further heartbreak, but that you feel this is something you need to do, they should understand. They may not support you 100% but at least they can get where you are coming from. I have been there myself..you need to find out for yourself whether you two can make it work, otherwise you will always question it. Make sure you set a limit for yourself though on this, like, this is the last time..so that you dont keep doing this over and over.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
579 Posts
Oh gosh I have a friend like this. just don't tell them about your relationship because they're going to feel very resentful that they can't do anything. Friends are going to want your best interests in heart but they'll feel absolutely angry and helpless if you tell them your business when you're unhappy. And this guy likely isn't going to change.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
326 Posts
My wife and I had a different but similar situation. I am a very private person and want to keep any relationship issues between my wife and I.

She and I had some problems come up and she told some of her friends and family. When I found out, I felt she had betrayed my trust and our intimacy ,that those things were just between us. I was almost as upset over that, as I was the original problem.

Does he know that you have talked about him to others?? and their opinion of him (being a dirt-bag) because of you?? I know women are much more social than men. And I might be an odd-ball, but to me this is a form of betrayal.

You need to tell him what they think of him and the reason is that you have been talking about him. If you don't tell him, sooner or later he will figure it out.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
22 Posts
You didn't mention how long the two of you were married and divorced/separated. I think that is important info.

Either way, it sounds like you spent a great deal of time tearing him down in your friends' eyes. It is your responsibility to your man and your friends to build him back up. If you told them all about how he did X to you, you need to explain how he has stopped doing X and what will stop him from doing X again.

They likely have memories of things he did that you are now possibly choosing to overlook. If they care about you, they will want to understand how you are dealing with those issues. Given that "love is blind" they have good reason to be skeptical of your reconciliation. You have to help them believe that he is a new man and this is a good idea. If you don't, they will lose respect for you.

You could try this. Meet the friends you discussed your marriage with, one on one or in groups, and say, "I made the mistake of burdening you with the sins of my husband. I regret that and am trying to correct what I did. Now that we are reconciling, I would like know what you need to make it possible for you to be comfortable in the same room with him, to give him a second chance and, hopefully, move toward friendship with him."

Then listen to what they say.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter #14
My wife and I had a different but similar situation. I am a very private person and want to keep any relationship issues between my wife and I.

She and I had some problems come up and she told some of her friends and family. When I found out, I felt she had betrayed my trust and our intimacy ,that those things were just between us. I was almost as upset over that, as I was the original problem.

Does he know that you have talked about him to others?? and their opinion of him (being a dirt-bag) because of you?? I know women are much more social than men. And I might be an odd-ball, but to me this is a form of betrayal.

You need to tell him what they think of him and the reason is that you have been talking about him. If you don't tell him, sooner or later he will figure it out.
My fiance is also a very private person and he feels very much the same way as you. He does know (has heard) about what was said about him and what my friends and I thought of him. At the time. Over the past week we've talked, met and discussed what broke and what needs to be done to fix it. And we agree we both want to fix it since we still love each other.

He knows it may be uncomfortable the next time we are all together among our mutual friends (this will be in about 3 weeks). So between now and then I need to figure out the best approach on how to handle it. I know a few may never accept him/us as a couple. That's fine - their loss. But there will be friends with an open heart who are more accepting.

I do know I will never divulge my private life to anyone. Ever. Very tough lesson I've learned!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7 Posts
Discussion Starter #15
You didn't mention how long the two of you were married and divorced/separated. I think that is important info.

Either way, it sounds like you spent a great deal of time tearing him down in your friends' eyes. It is your responsibility to your man and your friends to build him back up. If you told them all about how he did X to you, you need to explain how he has stopped doing X and what will stop him from doing X again.

They likely have memories of things he did that you are now possibly choosing to overlook. If they care about you, they will want to understand how you are dealing with those issues. Given that "love is blind" they have good reason to be skeptical of your reconciliation. You have to help them believe that he is a new man and this is a good idea. If you don't, they will lose respect for you.

You could try this. Meet the friends you discussed your marriage with, one on one or in groups, and say, "I made the mistake of burdening you with the sins of my husband. I regret that and am trying to correct what I did. Now that we are reconciling, I would like know what you need to make it possible for you to be comfortable in the same room with him, to give him a second chance and, hopefully, move toward friendship with him."

Then listen to what they say.
We were in a relationship for 5 years and engaged. We have been separated for 6 months. We did not speak in that 6 months - only a few emails here and there that had nothing to do with 'us'.

Part of me feels like I do need to build him back up and let others know what we are doing as a couple and as individuals to work on our relationship. But then that goes against my new resolve to not discuss my private life with others. I don't think he'd be happy if he knew I was telling other people our reconciliation plan. Double edge sword!!

I am trying to think of a generic way to convey that we've addressed our issues and I am convinced that we are doing the right thing to rebuild our relationship.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,546 Posts
Are you glossing over things now? In order that you feel OK about reconciling?

If I was your friend I'd want to be honest and let you know what I thought, then I'd let it go and support you.
 
1 - 16 of 16 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top