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Good afternoon!

Happy New Year! So my best friend of 18 years has been cheating on her husband. About 2-3 years ago, she confided in me that she's been unhappy in her marriage (married for 7 years). I don't know her husband well, but as far as she's told me, he's verbally abusive, neglects her, and dismisses her concerns, yet, he still supports her financially. They do not live together and she feels like she cannot support herself without a man (she doesn't work and is unable to drive, and has very overbearing and needy parents). At first, she just flirted with other men, which I didn't feel quite right about, but I told myself it was her life and she wasn't really cheating, so I stayed out of it.

Then, about 2 years ago, she met another man, and she says he knows she is married. They've been seeing/talking to each other frequently. She's told me she was planning on divorcing her husband, and that her and the OM are in love. Unfortunately, for awhile I was enabling and covering for her, mostly because I was scared of losing her friendship and at the time, was too scared to stand up for myself. She used to ask me to pick her up and drop her off while she went to see the OM, so that her parents/husband thought she was with me. I stopped doing that after a couple of times because it just made me feel awful.

That was about a year ago, and she is still seeing both of them, and I feel like she's being incredibly selfish in leading the OM on. I'm not sure how much her husband knows, but she's said he made comments like "so you're gonna go see your boyfriend now?" before he drops her off somewhere. It's to the point where I'm no longer comfortable hearing her talk and complain about them. I don't necessarily want to drop her as a friend, as she has always been there for me and she's never tried to influence me into cheating on any of my SOs. Unfortunately, it's also caused a little friction with my boyfriend, who's vehemently against cheating and doesn't agree with me being friends with a cheater.

What would your advice be in this situation? What would you do if you knew your best friend was cheating?

Thanks all!
 

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I would tell your friend you will not support her in any way for her cheating, and that you don't want to hear about her relationships anymore since YOU do not like that she is cheating. You can talk about other things if you want, but NOTHING to do with her cheating.
How often do you see/hang out with her? How often do you talk?

The reality is your BF SHOULD be pissed because you have already helped enable her affair.
 

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Good afternoon!

Happy New Year! So my best friend of 18 years has been cheating on her husband. About 2-3 years ago, she confided in me that she's been unhappy in her marriage (married for 7 years). I don't know her husband well, but as far as she's told me, he's verbally abusive, neglects her, and dismisses her concerns, yet, he still supports her financially. They do not live together and she feels like she cannot support herself without a man (she doesn't work and is unable to drive, and has very overbearing and needy parents). At first, she just flirted with other men, which I didn't feel quite right about, but I told myself it was her life and she wasn't really cheating, so I stayed out of it.

Then, about 2 years ago, she met another man, and she says he knows she is married. They've been seeing/talking to each other frequently. She's told me she was planning on divorcing her husband, and that her and the OM are in love. Unfortunately, for awhile I was enabling and covering for her, mostly because I was scared of losing her friendship and at the time, was too scared to stand up for myself. She used to ask me to pick her up and drop her off while she went to see the OM, so that her parents/husband thought she was with me. I stopped doing that after a couple of times because it just made me feel awful.

That was about a year ago, and she is still seeing both of them, and I feel like she's being incredibly selfish in leading the OM on. I'm not sure how much her husband knows, but she's said he made comments like "so you're gonna go see your boyfriend now?" before he drops her off somewhere. It's to the point where I'm no longer comfortable hearing her talk and complain about them. I don't necessarily want to drop her as a friend, as she has always been there for me and she's never tried to influence me into cheating on any of my SOs. Unfortunately, it's also caused a little friction with my boyfriend, who's vehemently against cheating and doesn't agree with me being friends with a cheater.

What would your advice be in this situation? What would you do if you knew your best friend was cheating?

Thanks all!
I agree with your boyfriend, she is a liar and a cheat and you need to tell her that you can no longer support her cheating. She is probably lying about her husband as well, cheaters always blame their spouses for their affairs. If she takes offense an cuts you off, then what sort of a friend does that make her?
 

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Good afternoon!

Happy New Year! So my best friend of 18 years has been cheating on her husband. About 2-3 years ago, she confided in me that she's been unhappy in her marriage (married for 7 years). I don't know her husband well, but as far as she's told me, he's verbally abusive, neglects her, and dismisses her concerns, yet, he still supports her financially. They do not live together and she feels like she cannot support herself without a man (she doesn't work and is unable to drive, and has very overbearing and needy parents). At first, she just flirted with other men, which I didn't feel quite right about, but I told myself it was her life and she wasn't really cheating, so I stayed out of it.

Then, about 2 years ago, she met another man, and she says he knows she is married. They've been seeing/talking to each other frequently. She's told me she was planning on divorcing her husband, and that her and the OM are in love. Unfortunately, for awhile I was enabling and covering for her, mostly because I was scared of losing her friendship and at the time, was too scared to stand up for myself. She used to ask me to pick her up and drop her off while she went to see the OM, so that her parents/husband thought she was with me. I stopped doing that after a couple of times because it just made me feel awful.

That was about a year ago, and she is still seeing both of them, and I feel like she's being incredibly selfish in leading the OM on. I'm not sure how much her husband knows, but she's said he made comments like "so you're gonna go see your boyfriend now?" before he drops her off somewhere. It's to the point where I'm no longer comfortable hearing her talk and complain about them. I don't necessarily want to drop her as a friend, as she has always been there for me and she's never tried to influence me into cheating on any of my SOs. Unfortunately, it's also caused a little friction with my boyfriend, who's vehemently against cheating and doesn't agree with me being friends with a cheater.

What would your advice be in this situation? What would you do if you knew your best friend was cheating?

Thanks all!
Why would you trust someone like that to be your friend? If that is the way she treats her husband why do you assume she will treat you any better?
 

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I don't know her husband well, but as far as she's told me, he's verbally abusive, neglects her, and dismisses her concerns, yet, he still supports her financially. They do not live together and she feels like she cannot support herself without a man (she doesn't work and is unable to drive, and has very overbearing and needy parents).
I would like you to explain ^^this.^^ She doesn't live with her husband, but he supports financially? From what you've said thus far, it sounds like your friend is not only a cheater, but she's a freeloader too.

My advice: Find a new friend. Seriously.
 

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If you’ve been friends for 18 years, I would just slowly fade, and probably not even explain myself. You may still be friends for another 18 years, but for now you can’t be. That’s ok, friendships have distant periods and can pick up again later. Your boyfriend is right, this is important to him and it will affect your future together and whether he will safe and secure with you.

She’s not going to take any explanation very well right now, you just focus to your own needs and listen your boyfriend. There are already 3 people involved and you’ve lost your friend a while ago anyway.

I say slow fade, make yourself busy and unavailable. Offer nothing If she asks if something’s up, or asks why you haven’t return calls other than, ‘sorry! I had to go, I’ll call you when I can’. All she will want now is validation, enabling, positive reinforcement and an ear to listen alllll the time - she’s not interested in what you have to say, just what you can give her. She doesn’t want to hear why you can’t be there or support her, she will make you feel bad for her feelings.

Your feelings matter now, and your boyfriends. Don’t even worry about the husband or OM, I’m sure they have cheer squads and shoulders to cry on.
 

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Good afternoon!

Happy New Year! So my best friend of 18 years has been cheating on her husband. About 2-3 years ago, she confided in me that she's been unhappy in her marriage (married for 7 years). I don't know her husband well, but as far as she's told me, he's verbally abusive, neglects her, and dismisses her concerns, yet, he still supports her financially. They do not live together and she feels like she cannot support herself without a man (she doesn't work and is unable to drive, and has very overbearing and needy parents). At first, she just flirted with other men, which I didn't feel quite right about, but I told myself it was her life and she wasn't really cheating, so I stayed out of it.

Then, about 2 years ago, she met another man, and she says he knows she is married. They've been seeing/talking to each other frequently. She's told me she was planning on divorcing her husband, and that her and the OM are in love. Unfortunately, for awhile I was enabling and covering for her, mostly because I was scared of losing her friendship and at the time, was too scared to stand up for myself. She used to ask me to pick her up and drop her off while she went to see the OM, so that her parents/husband thought she was with me. I stopped doing that after a couple of times because it just made me feel awful.

That was about a year ago, and she is still seeing both of them, and I feel like she's being incredibly selfish in leading the OM on. I'm not sure how much her husband knows, but she's said he made comments like "so you're gonna go see your boyfriend now?" before he drops her off somewhere. It's to the point where I'm no longer comfortable hearing her talk and complain about them. I don't necessarily want to drop her as a friend, as she has always been there for me and she's never tried to influence me into cheating on any of my SOs. Unfortunately, it's also caused a little friction with my boyfriend, who's vehemently against cheating and doesn't agree with me being friends with a cheater.

What would your advice be in this situation? What would you do if you knew your best friend was cheating?

Thanks all!
). I don't know her husband well, but as far as she's told me, he's verbally abusive, neglects her, and dismisses her concerns,

So says every cheating woman in the history of mankind.
Verbally abusive—- translation: He yells at me when he knows I’ve been banging other dudes and spends his hard earned money on hotels and gifts for Jody”.

Neglects her. Translation: He works his ass off all the time to support us, and comes home tired and just wants to relax. He doesn’t talk to me, and when I ask him to rub my back, he even has the nerve to ask ME to run his. And he gives me the silent treatment when he finds Jody has drank his last beer or leaves the toilet up or condoms in the trash can in the bathroom.

Dismisses her concerns: Translation: when she wants more money for hotels or gifts for the OM, he’s like- nah, while I’ve been at work you haven’t cleaned house or cooked a meal on a weekday that ends
with a Y since last year, we will be ok without x, y, z or other frivolous nonsense.

HE STILL SEES SHE IS TAKEN CARE OF, in spite of the fact she’s moved out to date and have sex with other men.

I think your friend is a liar, and a cheater, of the worst variety. She’s also lazy and has no intention of working to support herself.
And YOU are just letting her USE you as well. Likely a narcissist.

You should ditch her.
 

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It's to the point where I'm no longer comfortable hearing her talk and complain about them. I don't necessarily want to drop her as a friend, as she has always been there for me ..
Throwing this out there... might not be what I actually would do, but hey, it's a theory to offer you.

'Hey friend, I'm no longer comfortable hearing you talk of and complain about your relationships. While I have valued our friendship, this is impacting me.'

Stop talking. Wait for her to respond. It could provide an open dialogue between you.

And it may be that you are not what one another needs at the moment.

At the very least, you have demonstrated honesty to yourself - and to a long standing friendship - by expressing this.
 
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Thank you all for your responses. Just to clarify, I don’t believe her husband knows that she has been actively cheating. But he definitely suspects it. They also haven’t lived together since they were married. He lives alone and she lives with her parents.

He’s asked her to move in with him, but her response was that he was always working and she would just be left home all alone. So he picks her up twice a week to get groceries and take her shopping and grab dinner. And he gives her money and a credit card for her to buy necessities.

She claims to have told the OM her situation and as far as I know, she’s told him she cannot divorce her husband yet and he’s waiting for her to do so.

I’m not sure I’d feel comfortable just fading her out, but I would definitely say something to her. And yes, if she does take offense and stops talking to me, then I’ve learned who she really is. I just want to say it in a way that’s not too harsh, but gets the point across.
 

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I feel sorry for her “husband” that was never even good enough for his wife to even live with. But let’s face it, he is choosing to live like this, he knows she’s cheating. This is a very strange relationship. Your friend is not very impressive. Surely you realize she is a user.
 

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So says every cheating woman in the history of mankind.
Correct.

she doesn't work and is unable to drive, and has very overbearing and needy parents
your friend is not only a cheater, but she's a freeloader too.
Surely you realize she is a user.
The apple don't fall far from the tree, does it ? She is using you. Her parents are using her.

This woman needs to get her priorities in order. 1) drive; 2) work; 3) be WIFE according to the vows she took; 4) using about 1% of her disposable time, cater to her parents. 1/2 hour,, once a month, MAX

Surely you can find another couple of people with upright morals to be your friends. Cross her off.
 

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Good afternoon!

Happy New Year! So my best friend of 18 years has been cheating on her husband. About 2-3 years ago, she confided in me that she's been unhappy in her marriage (married for 7 years). I don't know her husband well, but as far as she's told me, he's verbally abusive, neglects her, and dismisses her concerns, yet, he still supports her financially. They do not live together and she feels like she cannot support herself without a man (she doesn't work and is unable to drive, and has very overbearing and needy parents). At first, she just flirted with other men, which I didn't feel quite right about, but I told myself it was her life and she wasn't really cheating, so I stayed out of it.

Then, about 2 years ago, she met another man, and she says he knows she is married. They've been seeing/talking to each other frequently. She's told me she was planning on divorcing her husband, and that her and the OM are in love. Unfortunately, for awhile I was enabling and covering for her, mostly because I was scared of losing her friendship and at the time, was too scared to stand up for myself. She used to ask me to pick her up and drop her off while she went to see the OM, so that her parents/husband thought she was with me. I stopped doing that after a couple of times because it just made me feel awful.

That was about a year ago, and she is still seeing both of them, and I feel like she's being incredibly selfish in leading the OM on. I'm not sure how much her husband knows, but she's said he made comments like "so you're gonna go see your boyfriend now?" before he drops her off somewhere. It's to the point where I'm no longer comfortable hearing her talk and complain about them. I don't necessarily want to drop her as a friend, as she has always been there for me and she's never tried to influence me into cheating on any of my SOs. Unfortunately, it's also caused a little friction with my boyfriend, who's vehemently against cheating and doesn't agree with me being friends with a cheater.

What would your advice be in this situation? What would you do if you knew your best friend was cheating?

Thanks all!
I would just tell your friend over lunch the truth, that you don't want to enable her anymore. What she does is her choice, but you don't want to be dragged into it. If she can respect those boundaries, you can keep your friend, but if she baits you into continuing to help her, then it's time to say goodbye.

Also, I understand your bf's POV, but he has no right to tell you/convince you not to be friends with this person. He may feel that you would act the same way, but that's not necessarily the case. It's her life at the end of the day. However, your friend's whole story sounds off. I find it hard to believe her husband would be ok with her "boyfriend". Can you be sure he is okay with it? Has your friend showed you texts? Also, they are not living together, why not?
 

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I bet you he is cheating on her too. I mean if they don’t even live together what do you think he’s doing?
I don’t think he is as dumb you think.
 

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"Dear Friend, I can no longer emotionally support or encourage your infidelity. I know your marriage is strange and not living together is unusual, but you made a commitment to love one man, and I just can't watch you break your promises, nor can I condone it. If that's who you want to be, I can't stop you, but I also can choose to stop supporting you. So I'm letting you know now that I love you and I want the best for you, but I personally believe 'the best' would include becoming an honorable, honest, trustworthy, ethical, respectable, moral woman. I know you CAN be that woman, and that is who I will encourage you to be from this moment forward."
 

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Discussion Starter #17
I agree that it’s a very strange situation! She hasn’t asked me to “help” her in a long time. But she has hinted at it once the pandemic is over, but I haven’t responded to her requests. I guess I thought I was helping her out of a bad marriage, but she’s continuing to spend time with her husband and she still has no plans to move forward with her divorce. Ironically, the OM was separated when they met, and she’s convinced him to push his divorce through for her.

Yes, her parents definitely use her and there have been plenty of moments where she has used me, as well. But she’s always lent me an ear and offered support whenever I was going through a hard time, and we genuinely have a good time together.

As for a PP’s question, we talk a few times a week and I haven’t seen her since the pandemic started, so it’s been almost a year. My boyfriend hasn’t asked me to stop being friends with her, but he did express discomfort that I was friends with a cheater and has said he doesn’t want to meet her. He believes that your closest friends tell a lot about you.

I’m not sure if her husband is okay with the whole thing, but she has seen him flirting with other women over social media. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s also cheating, but I’ll never know for sure.
 

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The question is... do you want to keep her friendship? If you do, just tell her you don’t feel comfortable knowing about this cheating situation, and you don’t want any part of it bc you think cheating is morally wrong in any circumstance.

Personally, I would expect my best friend to support me and only me, and she doesn’t have to agree with my behavior. I expect my best friends not to judge me. If they don’t agree with me they can tell me once and that’s it.
 

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So your friend and her H have NEVER lived together as H/W? She continued to live with her parents and he lives by himself? They grab dinner every now and again, and he buys her groceries?

OK, pretty much the strangest marriage I've heard of.
WHY did they bother getting married or continue to stay married? Does she have ANY reason (other than he buys her groceries) to stay married? And HIM -- I have NO idea why he didn't just divorce or annul the wedding when she wouldn't move in.

It sounds like they are dating, and not very much even that. Sounds like she spends more time with her AP than with the H by FAR.
 
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