[Catlady123]

My fiance is in his mid 60s. I'm 10 years younger. He has a sharp tongue. When under stress, he will bark an order at me, quick and razor sharp. It hurts my feelings. He tends to give me lots of instructions on doing things around the house. He also has an annoying habit of driving from the passenger's seat. One night while in bed, I touched him and he went off saying he was almost asleep and I woke him up. I didn't know. He was super stressed from an email he got earlier. This incident kept me up all night. I was so hurt. In the morning he apologized, admitted he was out of character. My fiance is usually a funny, generous, and compassionate person. He recently underwent a kidney transplant and has been humbled by this life saving experience. But he has a difficult time processing his stress and controlling his tone when upset or feeling really stressed. How can I begin the conversation with him so that he remembers I'm not the enemy and we're on the same team? I don't like his sharp tone. It's too hurtful. Can't do it anymore. Tomorrow is Father's Day. I want the day to go well, and not walk on egg shells. Words really do cut and hurt for a long time, even after the apology and forgiveness is given. Still hurts. Thank you.

 

[Andy1001]

My fiance is in his mid 60s. I'm 10 years younger. He has a sharp tongue. When under stress, he will bark an order at me, quick and razor sharp. It hurts my feelings. He tends to give me lots of instructions on doing things around the house. He also has an annoying habit of driving from the passenger's seat. One night while in bed, I touched him and he went off saying he was almost asleep and I woke him up. I didn't know. He was super stressed from an email he got earlier. This incident kept me up all night. I was so hurt. In the morning he apologized, admitted he was out of character. My fiance is usually a funny, generous, and compassionate person. He recently underwent a kidney transplant and has been humbled by this life saving experience. But he has a difficult time processing his stress and controlling his tone when upset or feeling really stressed. How can I begin the conversation with him so that he remembers I'm not the enemy and we're on the same team? I don't like his sharp tone. It's too hurtful. Can't do it anymore. Tomorrow is Father's Day. I want the day to go well, and not walk on egg shells. Words really do cut and hurt for a long time, even after the apology and forgiveness is given. Still hurts. Thank you.

He is a cantankerous old man with health problems.Next time he starts his bs tell him to stfu.
That is the only language he will understand.

 

[TJW]

There is nothing you can do about this. How he chooses to respond to you will govern his tone, his demeanor, and his attitude. It's not you, it's him.
There is another context he speaks into, regardless of your approach. It is a context you cannot see, nor know.

You really have two choices, either develop a thick skin, and let his words and inflections go in one ear and out the other; or call off the wedding and future relationship with him.

I recommend the latter. People in their mid-60s don't change much. If he is hurting your feelings now, it's going to double after your marriage.....and, because thick skin is quite hard to grow.

 

[Suspicious1]

You should tell him exactly how he's hurting you as you posted.

How long have you been together?

He sounds grumpy and easily agitated, how was he before the kidney issue?

Sorry, that's is no way to live walking on eggshells preventing a blow up.

Good luck


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[TJW]

There's nothing you can do about this. His attitudes, demeanor, manner of speaking, etc. are his choices. You should tell him that if he wants to be married to you successfully, it will require him to exercise restraint and politeness in his interface to you. He will have to choose, and practice, self-control as he responds to stressors.

 

[SunCMars]

He needs more sleep.
He needs ibuprofen....daily.

A sick person acts normal.
Normal for a sick person.

If healing is not on the horizon....
Head for the horizon, leave him in the distance.


The Typist II-

 

[She'sStillGotIt]

Is this nasty old man the ONLY one left to marry on your remote island?

I figure he has to be since you're so willing to throw your life away on a miserable ass-hole.

Just wait until you're his full-time caretaker and he's barking orders and ringing that bell all day every day.

Happy happy, joy joy.

No one needs a man in their lives THIS bad.

No one.

 

[Spicy]

Occasionally my H will "bark" something at me. (Infuriating)

I'm zero tolerance.

I will say, "If you wanted a doormat for a wife, you chose poorly" and I leave him to finish alone whatever I was helping him with. Even if he can't possibly do it without my set of hands. He should have thought of that before he gave me an order in that tone. I'm not his freaking employee.

If his bark was sufficiently sharp, I will actually leave our home for the rest of the day, and go to a movie or something fun for ME. I turn my phone off and he can suck it.

Becasue of my tactics in handling this, it rarely ever happens anymore. I think the women before me were much more willing to put up with it. I am not. Now, you have to decide if you are. I was miserable in my first marriage. I REFUSE to be in this one.

 

[Catlady123]

Thank you Andy! I agree about the cantankerous part!

 

[As'laDain]

My fiance is in his mid 60s. I'm 10 years younger. He has a sharp tongue. When under stress, he will bark an order at me, quick and razor sharp. It hurts my feelings. He tends to give me lots of instructions on doing things around the house. He also has an annoying habit of driving from the passenger's seat. One night while in bed, I touched him and he went off saying he was almost asleep and I woke him up. I didn't know. He was super stressed from an email he got earlier. This incident kept me up all night. I was so hurt. In the morning he apologized, admitted he was out of character. My fiance is usually a funny, generous, and compassionate person. He recently underwent a kidney transplant and has been humbled by this life saving experience. But he has a difficult time processing his stress and controlling his tone when upset or feeling really stressed. How can I begin the conversation with him so that he remembers I'm not the enemy and we're on the same team? I don't like his sharp tone. It's too hurtful. Can't do it anymore. Tomorrow is Father's Day. I want the day to go well, and not walk on egg shells. Words really do cut and hurt for a long time, even after the apology and forgiveness is given. Still hurts. Thank you.

tell him that you stick around because you enjoy your time with him, and the second that any half of that statement is no longer true, neither will the other half be.

 

[Catlady123]

I definitely agree with you about zero tolerance. In my previous marriage, I was the more outspoken person. My ex and I argued all the time but he never barked at me or used a sharp tone. This relationship is different. He's fine until he gets stressed. I'm going to teach him how to manage his stress. That way, he doesn't take it out on me. I'm not an emotional whipping post. No I don't want to tolerate this bad behavior. I'm disabled and have health issues too. So, I'm going to talk to him immediately the next time it happens. I don't care where we are. I need to put a stop to this. Thank you for taking the time to post your experience and comments. I appreciate it.

 

[Rowan]

Yep. An immediate stop to whatever you were doing, direct eye contact, and a calm but firm statement - "I'm not okay with that tone/your words." - should do it. Then calmly leave and go do something fun for yourself, either elsewhere in the house or entirely out of it. If he questions you about it later, you can calmly explain that while you understand that he is stressed, that does not give him the right to take it out on the people who love him and that you will not remain in a relationship with someone who barks at you as if you were a misbehaving pet or incompetent underling. If he desires your continued presence, he needs to learn to manage his stress/emotions and control himself like the adult he purports to be. And you need to decide whether you're going to continue to put up with this from a partner if he doesn't learn to behave himself. Is this really the sort of thing you want to deal with for the rest of your life?

Also, OP, be aware that emotional outbursts, anger, and out of character meanness can be signs of deteriorating mental faculties as a result of various forms of dementia. And at his age, that's not outside the realm of possibility. So, if this is something new for him, you might wish to have him speak to his doctor about it.

 

[Mommame2]

He needs more sleep.

He needs ibuprofen....daily.



A sick person acts normal.

Normal for a sick person.



If healing is not on the horizon....

Head for the horizon, leave him in the distance.





The Typist II-

Ibuprofen is the last thing a kidney patient needs, just FYI.


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