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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My STBXW EA has caused too much of emotional damage to me. The more I dig the emails and text send to me during her EA, the more I get Angry. All the emails/text messages to me shows that she is up to something and I was finding it difficult to understand her hints. Few typical hints are: I love you but not in love with you; I loved someone and I can't be our wife forever..all other nonsense stuff.

After reading those stuff, I found that I don't have much impulse control and I started verbally abusing her. During our marriage, my STBXW uses lot of gas-lighting techniques which used to cause me get angry and I almost pleaded with her to stop manipulating me.

I found that I don't get angry or verbally abuse anyone else except my STBXW. I found that this is my way of conveying my displeasure.

I want to stop this verbal abuse behavior, so how to stop this verbal abuse behavior and what are the other ways of conveying my displeasure.
 

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This sort of verbal abuse is unacceptable. Period. Even to a betrayer.

If you cannot control your anger, then separate yourself from her immediately and seek personal counseling. We all lose our tempers from time to time, but you seem a bit out of control and that can lead to something worse.

Again, remove yourself from the situation and seek professional guidance.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 · (Edited)
This sort of verbal abuse is unacceptable. Period. Even to a betrayer.

If you cannot control your anger, then separate yourself from her immediately and seek personal counseling. We all lose our tempers from time to time, but you seem a bit out of control and that can lead to something worse.

Again, remove yourself from the situation and seek professional guidance.
Maybe I need help here, I want to understand what is verbal abuse means?? I just scream/yell when something is not done properly and this is not done everyday, it's very random.

With our recent MC, our counselor told that it's because I care for the people and because I was talking tooooo much of house-hold load, doormat and that was my way of shouting for help. Once I got separated with my STBXW, I found that she started yelling/screaming because the house-hold responsibilities fell on her shoulder.

Another point worth noting is that we're from south-asia and in our culture, anger/screaming/yell is the way to convey displeasure rather than using gun or any other violent means. What I mean is that we're not violent, our way of conveying displeasure message is different.
 

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Maybe I need help here, I want to understand what is verbal abuse means?? I just scream/yell when something is not done properly and this is not done everyday, it's very random.

With our recent MC, our counselor told that it's because I care for the people and because I was talking tooooo much of house-hold load, doormat and that was my way of shouting for help. Once I got separated with my STBXW, I found that she started yelling/screaming because the house-hold responsibilities fell on her shoulder.

Another point worth noting is that we're from south-asia and in our culture, anger/screaming/yell is the way to convey displeasure rather than using gun or any other violent means. What I mean is that we're not violent, our way of conveying displeasure message is different.
It helps to share that and put some things in perspective. But even so, if you think it is out of control, seek some good help. Yelling isn't going to help the situation very much.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 · (Edited)
It helps to share that and put some things in perspective. But even so, if you think it is out of control, seek some good help. Yelling isn't going to help the situation very much.
Thanks again. I'm working on understanding the reason behind my yelling/screaming/abuse etc. Few character about me which causes this is:

1. "When I feel I'm right",
2. "When I feel in-spite of conveying my messages the other party is not hearing what I'm trying to say"
3. "When I'm overloaded with work"
4. "Frequent Gaslighting by my STBXW"
5. "Never been appreciated, as a head of the household for what I've for the family"

The answer I found from my IC and MC.

1. yelling/screaming/abuse is not the way to convey message.
2. once I get angry, find the way to process the anger.

Any other techniques/suggestions are appreciated.
 

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let me know how you deal with it buddy.I was in a similar situation.Now the creep that existed in my life is OUT and I am peaceful but that has left me wounded and I am working on healing myself.
Am learning cannot take out my anger on naybody however near;At the same time will not allow anyone to use me any further in life.LIVE and LET LIVE principl
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 · (Edited)
Am learning cannot take out my anger on naybody however near;At the same time will not allow anyone to use me any further in life.
oh..your post made me think harder: I now know that one of the main reason I get angry or verbal abuse is because I feel I'm being used !!!

Yes, looking back, it's makes perfect sense, I'm thoroughly used spouse....because I was NEVER her priority as Husband....I was just there to be used..

I'm myself looking forward from other forum members to throw some light on how to manage this issue..
 

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It's interesting that once your wife had a lot of pressure on her she started to use angry outbursts as well.

It sounds like your counselor is not being very helpful to you on this topic.

Getting angry is fine. It's a normal human emotion. It tells us when things in our life need immediate and focused attention. What's important is how you handle that anger. Yelling at someone else seldom solves the problem. It usually makes it worse because the other person either digs in their heels and will not change because you yelled at them.. or they become submissive, do what you want them to do but the learn to hate and resent you.

There are things you can learn that will help you focus the anger to get result and to do it in a constructive manner.. not yelling, etc.

There are anger management classes you can take. There are also good self-help books that can teach you anger management. I sent to amazon.com and search on books for "anger management". Here's a short list.

Anger Management for Everyone: Seven Proven Ways to Control Anger and Live a Happier Life

Beyond Anger: A Guide for Men: How to Free Yourself from the Grip of Anger and Get More Out of Life by Thomas J. Harbin

The Anger Workbook: A 13-Step Interactive Plan to Help You... (Minirth-Meier Clinic Series)

Rage: A Step-by-Step Guide to Overcoming Explosive Anger by Ronald T. Potter-Efron
 

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few have told me to do the following:

identify the issues which triggers the anger.

after that be mindful of situations when such issues by way of conversation or anything is coming up;walk away from there thinking that I cannot shower my anger on anybody(if i do i am using that person myself for my weakness);
 

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I am learning ;its tough for me ;I am today a very angry person;But gradually want to stop thinking that I am a victim.

What has helped me is treating all near and dear ones with same closeness(that is maintaining distance) so that my worst never comes out;till i a mentally so strong ;
 

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I know how it is when you get angry and frustrated and just want to take it out on the "source" - I've been there many times.

Just stop. Even if she did "wrong" to you does not make it right for you to do "wrong" to her. You're better than that. You're more evolved than that, and you, being a logical, rational human being, have the capacity to amend a troubling symptom of your distress.

The hardest part of your problem is already done. You've admitted to what you do. For so many people it's very, very hard to take accountability for the things they say and do - especially when they feel it's justified.

Work on just saying the words, "I am angry. I am hurt. I am frustrated." It will make a huge difference in how things proceed from there.

Takes a lot of guts to man up like this! :)
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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
few have told me to do the following:

identify the issues which triggers the anger.

after that be mindful of situations when such issues by way of conversation or anything is coming up;walk away from there thinking that I cannot shower my anger on anybody(if i do i am using that person myself for my weakness);
I use anger as a way to convey that I'm hurt. I don't know that by walk away I can convey that. I can't go after a revenge affair to convey that I'm also capable of hurting her.

The dilemma for me is how to convey that I'm hurt without walking away and without getting angry.

Having EA on my face, I want to let her know I'm very very much hurt....how to do this without getting angry !!!
 

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She knows it you are hurt whether you convey it or not;
I really feel that you should look inside and stop giving her larger than life importance;Treat yourself with kindness first;
And this is the point I want to convey, 'we cannot use anger' to convey our hurt;We have to practice that in decent kind ways;

may be just tell her politely that her some action hurt you so much ;And then work on yourself and what you want to do instead of taking t out on any other person.WE CANNOT DO THAT;I am in the sam eboat and know exactly what ypu feel and say.
 

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<snipped for brevity>

After reading those stuff, I found that I don't have much impulse control and I started verbally abusing her. During our marriage, my STBXW uses lot of gas-lighting techniques which used to cause me get angry and I almost pleaded with her to stop manipulating me.

<snipped>

I want to stop this verbal abuse behavior, so how to stop this verbal abuse behavior and what are the other ways of conveying my displeasure.
I would refer you to Dr. Irene's Verbal Abuse Website. She has specific pages set up to answer your question: the Verbal Abuser's Pages. I will quote two paragraphs from the very first link on her Abuser's page:

More often than not, the abuser was the victim of childhood abuse, emotional neglect, parental illness, addiction, difficult life circumstance, or just poor genes. This individual never learned that it is OK to mess up and own up to it. For whatever reason, this individual never learned that others are imperfect too. This individual never learned that a (fill in the blank: angry, absent, sick, drunk, etc.) parent may mis-behave toward a child. This individual never learned that the parental mis-behavior has absolutely, positively nothing to do with the child (even if the child is "bad") and absolutely everything to do with the parent! Angry people have learned to take things personally and to feel blamed. They resort to extreme measures to prove that they are not at fault!

and

The abusive individual's problem is rooted in self-absorption. The ability to consider the other person's point of view is obliterated by the absorption with perceived attack, self-defense, etc. The goals of treatment are to increase non-judgmental self-awareness, to expose underlying beliefs, and examine whether or not these beliefs work. The key words are self-acceptance and self-awareness. Self-acceptance mitigates the self-absorption. Acceptance implies empathy and forgiveness of self and other. The need to retaliate or be right is reduced. Self-awareness increases self-control and personal power. If the little micro-choices we make millions of times a day (e.g., getting angry if snubbed vs. being amused if snubbed) don't work for us, the fix is to increase awareness. With awareness comes choice. With choice comes (real) power: Personal power.
 

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I use anger as a way to convey that I'm hurt. I don't know that by walk away I can convey that. I can't go after a revenge affair to convey that I'm also capable of hurting her.

The dilemma for me is how to convey that I'm hurt without walking away and without getting angry.

Having EA on my face, I want to let her know I'm very very much hurt....how to do this without getting angry !!!
What Yin meant was that when you are about to start yelling.. walk away and calm yourself down. Then you an find a nonabusive, nonyelling way to discuss what you are angry about.

She did not mean to just ignore the anger and the problem.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
1. Myself:

a. difficult life circumstance, because of migration to usa from my home country.
b. Angry people have learned to take things personally and to feel blamed.They resort to extreme measures to prove that they are not at fault.

and

2. My STBXW:

The abusive individual's problem is rooted in self-absorption. The ability to consider the other person's point of view is obliterated by the absorption with perceived attack, self-defense, etc.

The item #1 is me and #2 is my STBXW. This is exactly our problems are. I can't change her but I want to change. Thx.
 

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My wife is an immigrant and I spend a lot of time in her country too so I have some empathy for the issues there.

But you have to get rid of the idea that you need to show you are hurt. This is actually backwards from healing both yourself and your marriage.

Forget about yourself and look out at other people who scream and cry, throw things and lose control of themselves. Is this a person you would elect for president? General of an Army? Manager of a corporation? Schoolteacher? Parent?

Now think about people who are cool under pressure. People that react to devastating injury with courage and strength, who face into the storm with steely determination and grit. They don't focus on how hurt they are and showing other people their pain. Instead they focus on what they need to do for steering the ship to safety, to win the field of battle, to save the day.

The enemy knows they have wounded you. Waste no time trying to convince the enemy how badly they have hurt you. This wins you no respect from them and also shows them where to strike most effectively. When an errant wife learns what dirty tricks make you most angry, she will return to them again and again in sublte ways to break you down and make you into a pathetic emotional wreck.

Understand that this anger is your worst enemy. You will not think clearly. You will make mistakes. You will look like a fool instead of a General in command of an army.

You implement the 180. Commit to becoming indifferent rather than showing rage. Because the rage is proof of how much power they have over you. The cool head is proof you are a person of strength and character to be admired. With women at your feet asking for your favor instead of laughing at you.

You said that you pleaded with her not to manipulate. Does this show strength? No, it showed her how effective she was. When she gaslights it is far better to say you know what she is doing and that it is not going to work on you. That removes the power they have over you and demonstrates you are too smart for their dirty tricks.

You will see that this 180 changes her behavior. But you have to stick with it for your own healing. Do not let this person have control over you. Take command yourself by laying down the law with a cool head. Do not argue. Do not explain. Just say "this is my decision". No discussion. I guarantee that once you see how effective this is that anger will no longer appeal to you. Begging will no longer appeal to you. You are going to like being the commanding general.
 

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When she cheated, she took away your sense of control over your own life. AND, she hurt your ego to the core. So anything to do with her - her, chores, whatever - becomes the conduit for you to try to regain control AND show that you matter and should be (have been) respected.

Therapy would help you pull away from her and realize that what SHE did had nothing to do with who YOU are.
 

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There's nothing wrong with you. This is just your God-given soul retching and repulsing the infidelity.

People have a funny idea about what "abuse" is. At the risk of being viewed as the bad guy (I'm used to it, I don't care) I'm going to wager that the "abuse" you're guilty of would be seen as "honest expression" were the tables turned.

If this is the result of someone telling you that you're being abusive, tell them to shove off. If you really think that you have a problem, go away from the cause of the problem: stay away from her. She's going to be your ex soon anyway.
 
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