Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 20 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
10 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Hi everyone! I'm new here and need help...

I'm a BS with a DDay March 6, 2012. A day hasn't gone by that some detail or memory of the events haven't been in my mind. We have been trying to reconcile but the pain seems too much at times. We are both new parents to a 2 month old but it's hard to enjoy these moments with a tarnished past.

How do you stop the daily memories to move forward to be able to say that I tried? When does the pain fade so it doesn't feel like it was yesterday anymore?? =(
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,967 Posts
Hi everyone! I'm new here and need help...

I'm a BS with a DDay March 6, 2012. A day hasn't gone by that some detail or memory of the events haven't been in my mind. We have been trying to reconcile but the pain seems too much at times. We are both new parents to a 2 month old but it's hard to enjoy these moments with a tarnished past.

How do you stop the daily memories to move forward to be able to say that I tried? When does the pain fade so it doesn't feel like it was yesterday anymore?? =(
You should be a bit better by now, IMO? is there something lingering? Are all your questions answered? Is there full transparency?
Has it been like this every day or after you gave birth?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10 Posts
Discussion Starter #4
Thank you for your response!

It has been every day before pregnancy, during, and now after. I try hard to block it from my mind. I get reminders, triggers.. even if my husband wants to kiss me or touch me! They were coworkers, which both have gotten different jobs but they have common friends from work so I see the OW tagged on facebook by his other coworkers..
I just feel like I wasn't given the whole truth about the situation and yes I ask repeating questions since I don't believe much that he says. He had denied and lied when I found out and it took a lot of me going psycho on him to get anything out of him.
Because of circumstances at the time, it is hard to forget. We had just been married 4 months, he told me he didn't love me but then blames a sexual/porn addiction.. which btw the porn addiction has been an issue even still. It's hard to explain but it's the memories... every word that was said, every reaction and denial..
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
It depends on what was done, how much you loved her and if you are still together.

Long story short: my husband had an EA that turned into a PA with his coworker...

I loved him enough to believe in our wedding vows.

We are still together, I don't believe he is fully transparent, it is hard to trust what he says or does. And IDK if we're together for the right reasons..
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,967 Posts
Thank you for your response!

It has been every day before pregnancy, during, and now after. I try hard to block it from my mind. I get reminders, triggers.. even if my husband wants to kiss me or touch me! They were coworkers, which both have gotten different jobs but they have common friends from work so I see the OW tagged on facebook by his other coworkers..
He needs to close that FB account, cur ties with common friends, no contact at all

I just feel like I wasn't given the whole truth about the situation and yes I ask repeating questions since I don't believe much that he says. He had denied and lied when I found out and it took a lot of me going psycho on him to get anything out of him.

Here's another reason why it's hard to move on, your not sure what you are forgiving

Because of circumstances at the time, it is hard to forget. We had just been married 4 months, he told me he didn't love me but then blames a sexual/porn addiction.. which btw the porn addiction has been an issue even still. It's hard to explain but it's the memories... every word that was said, every reaction and denial..
wow, he cheated at 4 months, this is not good

Have you been to marriage counseling? what have you both done to work it out?

This link will help you get started http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
933 Posts
Hi everyone! I'm new here and need help...

I'm a BS with a DDay March 6, 2012. A day hasn't gone by that some detail or memory of the events haven't been in my mind. We have been trying to reconcile but the pain seems too much at times. We are both new parents to a 2 month old but it's hard to enjoy these moments with a tarnished past.

How do you stop the daily memories to move forward to be able to say that I tried? When does the pain fade so it doesn't feel like it was yesterday anymore?? =(
It's been a year plus so I hope it has gotten better for you. I went to counseling. I go still at times. I talk to my friends. My Dday was over 1.5 years ago and I'm Divorced.

Sometimes the memories are hard to deal with and the feelings, but you have a lot of good things in your life. Make them your focus. Find the happiness and decide to be happy. Rediscover a hobby you like. Go take a class or gym you want to. Work on you. Spend time on you. I'm a guy. The gym was great for me. I save my energy and when I am hitting the heavy weights, I just conjure my anger and let it go. 800 lbs on the leg press. Tires me out, tones my body and releases the anger and pain.

I take pleasure in the small things in life. Playing cards wit my kids. Teaching them how to cook. Hiking etc... Get out, get active and decide to not let that crap bother you. It will but it will get less over time.

I am sorry you are here sister. I wish you the best of luck. God Bless.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,598 Posts
Long story short: my husband had an EA that turned into a PA with his coworker...

I loved him enough to believe in our wedding vows.

We are still together, I don't believe he is fully transparent, it is hard to trust what he says or does. And IDK if we're together for the right reasons..
My opinion, based upon personal experience, is that so long as you are with your betrayer you will gain little relief. He lied, and continues to live a lie with you and wants to have his cake and eat it too.

No offense, but I think I'd start with a 90 day separation and go from there.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10 Posts
Discussion Starter #9
Have you been to marriage counseling? what have you both done to work it out?
Thank you so much for your responses!

We went within days of Dday to one counselor. She didn't seem to offer up much advice, instead she just listened to our issues and left the figuring out up to us.

I had my husband go to a sex addiction counselor to see if he could get any help with that, the counselor didn't accept our insurance so that was the only time but he was advised to get into a 12 step meeting, which he did for a few months..

His work scheduled started conflicting with the meetings so I found another sex addiction/ marriage counselor closer to our house that accepted our insurance. The freaking counselor was only concerned with his addiction instead of helping us as a couple so I was only invited in the meetings once a month. During those times I still was extremely resentful and I just cried the whole session asking why and explaining my pain.

He stopped going to his 12 step meetings but recently started them back up since I rediscovered the continuous porn addiction/issue.

I really haven't gotten my closure, I didn't get my feelings recognized and the focus was on him. I want to go to an individual and couples counseling but it is a matter of time and money.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10 Posts
Discussion Starter #10
It's been a year plus so I hope it has gotten better for you. I went to counseling. I go still at times. I talk to my friends. My Dday was over 1.5 years ago and I'm Divorced.

Sometimes the memories are hard to deal with and the feelings, but you have a lot of good things in your life. Make them your focus. Find the happiness and decide to be happy. Rediscover a hobby you like. Go take a class or gym you want to. Work on you. Spend time on you. I'm a guy. The gym was great for me. I save my energy and when I am hitting the heavy weights, I just conjure my anger and let it go. 800 lbs on the leg press. Tires me out, tones my body and releases the anger and pain.

I take pleasure in the small things in life. Playing cards wit my kids. Teaching them how to cook. Hiking etc... Get out, get active and decide to not let that crap bother you. It will but it will get less over time.

I am sorry you are here sister. I wish you the best of luck. God Bless.
Some days are better than others. Plus now I have a new love of my life, my baby boy! <3 that is my best distraction when I start feeling depressed and stuck.

Thank you very much for your advice. I think exercise will be a good outlet for me, especially since I'm a new mom, gotta get that baby weight off and an added stress reliever ;)
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
4,974 Posts
Hi everyone! I'm new here and need help...

I'm a BS with a DDay March 6, 2012. A day hasn't gone by that some detail or memory of the events haven't been in my mind. We have been trying to reconcile but the pain seems too much at times. We are both new parents to a 2 month old but it's hard to enjoy these moments with a tarnished past.

How do you stop the daily memories to move forward to be able to say that I tried? When does the pain fade so it doesn't feel like it was yesterday anymore?? =(
I think the unknown is the usual culprit that prevents people get moving past betrayal. Why did it happen, will it happen again, what EXACTLY did happen, etc.

If you're unsure of details or think he's lied or held back telling the whole truth then you will not get over it in 2013 or 2023 or 2033.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10 Posts
Discussion Starter #12
My opinion, based upon personal experience, is that so long as you are with your betrayer you will gain little relief. He lied, and continues to live a lie with you and wants to have his cake and eat it too.

No offense, but I think I'd start with a 90 day separation and go from there.
The trial separation would be difficult for more reasons than the obvious but he moved here across country to be with me. So he has no family here. He is the only one with a job (as he is allowing me to be a SAHM) so bills are already an issue on top of huge hospital bills from the pregnancy and delivery, he has his car payment and college loans too lol.. It is either we keep trying, split or live with the pain.

Instead of separation, I feel more like a never ending monitor of his actions. I have access to his phone and accounts, I put a browser on his phone that filters out most anything and saves the history so he can't delete it.

Spying on him is not a way to live but I'm hopeful that one day I will regain enough trust that it won't be necessary anymore. I don't want to have to look through his accounts to trust that he isn't acting out.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10 Posts
Discussion Starter #14
I think the unknown is the usual culprit that prevents people get moving past betrayal. Why did it happen, will it happen again, what EXACTLY did happen, etc.

If you're unsure of details or think he's lied or held back telling the whole truth then you will not get over it in 2013 or 2023 or 2033.
The unknown is a lot of the trouble. I have been asking lately if there is anything that he left out and didn't tell me.

I really don't understand why, especially with HER. I mean.. I don't condone cheating but if you're going to risk everything, you'd think it would've been a super model or playboy bunny geez.

I'm not as scared for it to happen again, I feel like he would have to go through his cycle of prolonged porn use, to fantasies, then cheating. I have told him anymore porn and we are done so he won't really get that chance from me.

I don't know all the dirty details of WHAT and HOW things happened, but Idk if I could handle that information. I already have images that flash into my head about what I do know and that is more than enough for me.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
4,974 Posts
The unknown is a lot of the trouble. I have been asking lately if there is anything that he left out and didn't tell me.

I really don't understand why, especially with HER. I mean.. I don't condone cheating but if you're going to risk everything, you'd think it would've been a super model or playboy bunny geez.

I'm not as scared for it to happen again, I feel like he would have to go through his cycle of prolonged porn use, to fantasies, then cheating. I have told him anymore porn and we are done so he won't really get that chance from me.

I don't know all the dirty details of WHAT and HOW things happened, but Idk if I could handle that information. I already have images that flash into my head about what I do know and that is more than enough for me.
It seems common that OM or OW are a step down. I guess that's the ones who are willing to mess with a married person to begin with. Regarding the details, it's not how much you know so much as it's how much you believe you have the option to ask and be told the truth. Most people don't want all the details and that's normal. It's the trickle truth crap that keeps things from ever moving forward. They always say "I didn't want to hurt you so I didn't tell you X or Y".
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
933 Posts
Some days are better than others. Plus now I have a new love of my life, my baby boy! <3 that is my best distraction when I start feeling depressed and stuck.

Thank you very much for your advice. I think exercise will be a good outlet for me, especially since I'm a new mom, gotta get that baby weight off and an added stress reliever ;)
You have to get out and get sunshine! It is a must. It will help you dramatically. Get rid of the baby weight for yourself not for anyone else.

I don't believe in separation. Absence does NOT make the heart grow fonder. It enables cheating IMHO. Marriage is hard work. Remember this. Your H was a tool and an A$$, however you choose to love him and work on R. You need to respect him and MAKE TIME for HIM! I know he should be groveling to you but it's ok to love him even though he was an A$$. If you don't love him then your marriage will fail so let the pain go and remember that you do love him and make sure he knows he used his one and only one get out of jail free card. Forgive him so you can move on and stop playing those mind movies.

Good luck to you sister. God bless!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10 Posts
Discussion Starter #17
It seems common that OM or OW are a step down. I guess that's the ones who are willing to mess with a married person to begin with. Regarding the details, it's not how much you know so much as it's how much you believe you have the option to ask and be told the truth. Most people don't want all the details and that's normal. It's the trickle truth crap that keeps things from ever moving forward. They always say "I didn't want to hurt you so I didn't tell you X or Y".
I got a lot of trickle truth from him. That is the main reason I believe he just decided to leave out anything else there is to tell. It went from we didn't have sex to we did only once to ok we did twice. Also the Idk if I want you or her (making ME sit around and wait). Having to force out of him when and where they were together.. who knew about it.. to finding out 4 months AFTER the PA that that freaking skank was pregnant. (He didn't tell me, I found out through her facebook account!!!) And he knew about it. I had kept asking if she was knocked up.... after much hoping and praying to anything that is out there, which I kinda feel bad about and not, but luckily the girl had a miscarriage. And I know the pregnancy was real because I saw her test paperwork from a bloodtest showing her HcG levels. I mean WTF, that is more than enough for me to deal with :(
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
933 Posts
I got a lot of trickle truth from him. That is the main reason I believe he just decided to leave out anything else there is to tell. It went from we didn't have sex to we did only once to ok we did twice. Also the Idk if I want you or her (making ME sit around and wait). Having to force out of him when and where they were together.. who knew about it.. to finding out 4 months AFTER the PA that that freaking skank was pregnant. (He didn't tell me, I found out through her facebook account!!!) And he knew about it. I had kept asking if she was knocked up.... after much hoping and praying to anything that is out there, which I kinda feel bad about and not, but luckily the girl had a miscarriage. And I know the pregnancy was real because I saw her test paperwork from a bloodtest showing her HcG levels. I mean WTF, that is more than enough for me to deal with :(
You have to decide if you want R or D. You may have to make that decision 1000 times but if you R. Your H has to be all in for you and you alone! If he is not then you really may want to consider D. It is your choice and whatever you choose is the right choice.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10 Posts
Discussion Starter #19
You have to get out and get sunshine! It is a must. It will help you dramatically. Get rid of the baby weight for yourself not for anyone else.
,
I don't believe in separation. Absence does NOT make the heart grow fonder. It enables cheating IMHO. Marriage is hard work. Remember this. Your H was a tool and an A$$, however you c hoose to love him and work on R. You need to respect him and MAKE TIME for HIM! I know he should be groveling to you but it's ok ,to love him even though he was an A$$. If you don't love him then your marriage will fail so let the pain go and remember that you do love him and make sure he knows he used his one and only one get out of jail free ,card. Forgive him so you can move on and stop playing those mind movies.

Good luck to you sister. God bless!
I do love him just not the memories. He asked me if I loved him today and I told him just that. I know I'm not ,entitled for him to act a certain way but I have this idea that he needs to prove his love to me.

I feel he has to show me he loves me, butnot by buying material items but his actions don't show it. Until enough ,good has been done to make up for the hurt, it will be in my mind. I guess the new good memories to cover up for the bad. He hasn't started making any new good ones yet, besides our son.

I just want to heal and be back to what I thought we were.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10 Posts
Discussion Starter #20
To deal with the fb problem - he needs to delete his fb account.
Well to be honest, I made sure that he blocked her from his fb. I don't have her blocked but we are not friends because I want to see what he saw in her and to, ,keep an eye on if she mentions him in any posts. All I have seen is that she ” likes” pictures that him and his other coworkers are in and comments on similar posts. If I had her blocked, I wouldn't have known him and her along with 24 other people were invited to another coworkers house warming party. If I didn't see that, then we would've walked into a very horrible situation and I would probably want to do great harm to her! At least causing a scene that I don't want to be a part of.
I think the fb issue mostly is that he is forever connected to her through his friends.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
1 - 20 of 20 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top