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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My husband had been recently involved in an emotional affair with someone on Instagram . While I thought it was only a one time DM turned out to be more and that he’s been “ casually” so her says talking to her .
the woman is not really very pretty in my opinion but she did get what seems like a boob job and tummy tuck, so yes she has a great body.
my husband has been liking her photos , many of them for months now and I did not even know . I know it’s not a big deal and he says it’s nothing but I can’t help comparing myself because now I feel this is what he’s after with this woman .
for years he’s told me how he loved my body as is because I was more real and that my body was because I had his children .
for years I believed this and now I realize he is t any different than any other man… he’s still after what is more pleasing to look at .. and I get it but now I feel like I’m constantly trying to compete with this ideal he looks at.
He told me his DMs are over and we are trying to work on our relationship now but I can’t get past thinking of what he was talking about with this woman .. he is very vague and only told me they only talked about “ random” stuff and says he does not remember because it was no big deal .
I know this is a lie but I can’t force him to tell me .
For now I am left wondering what really went on and also constantly feeling I’m not good enough after this happens behind my back .
I know it’s nothing physical but it still feels like betrayal either way.
I’m not sure if it’s something that would bother anyone else ? But it certianly bothers me .
Now I feel like I’m always triggered that he’s still doing this.. I feel like I’m constantly looking at that woman’s account watching if he’s liking or commenting again, he isn’t because I caught him but didn’t mean I can prove he’s stopped there DMs. however I am still constantly trying to compare myself and feel so betrayed he’s looking at someone else
 

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Don’t water that grass. Don’t give her too much mental space. I know you must be feeling really low, I understand that.

But you’ve got more allure than her. She’s probably chatting to tonnes of men, and has plenty of time to take 50 photos, and filter and edit the 3 that probably look ok. She doesn’t look the way she looks in those photos!

So what’s your allure? Firstly, you don’t have the time to faff around in crop tops taking pictures. Because you’re busy raising kids, being a wife, maybe working.

I say to every woman, find your lipstick shade. It’s a small thing, but get to Chanel or Dior, find your colour. It will be the best $60 you’ll spend. Put that on and look at yourself in the mirror. And a really good pair of shoes. And walk your walk, whatever that is, you’ve got it. Give yourself a morning ritual that’s just for you. I promise it’s a small start to bigger things.
 

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Has he come off Instagram? He clearly can't be trusted on it.
Yes it would bother me, a lot. It's not something a married man should be doing.
 

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i would say this woman that posts on Instagram is a small part of what is wrong ,
how is the rest of your relationship
how is your sex drive and how is that in relationship to his ,
how good is the contact between you
 

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My wife would be furious. My mental sex space should belong to my wife. Anything else is a step in the wrong direction. Don’t get me wrong I’m a man that likes women a lot but looking and contacting are two different things. I don’t blame you for being upset.
 

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So why on EARTH would you choose to stay and invest an ounce of effort and emotion into someone who can't even be honest with you?

Don't try to blow that question off with a bunch of self-deluded nonsense just because you want to stay with him at all costs. It's a fair question - answer it honestly.
 
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What’s good for the goose...... there are millions of hot ripped men to follow on Instagram and they love attention just like women, send a dm to one you think is hot and like all his pictures....just cause you’re married doesn’t mean you‘re dead. You have more power than you think, set your boundaries and stick to them! You can do it!
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
i would say this woman that posts on Instagram is a small part of what is wrong ,
how is the rest of your relationship
how is your sex drive and how is that in relationship to his ,
how good is the contact between you
[/QUOTE
Actually the past year I have been quite ill and had no energy and our sex life suffered , but even if this was the case why would he jump to messaging someone just like that ?! I found this out by sheer accident because my gut feeling was telling me to look into who he follows on Instagram and when I did I realized there were over 100 women who’s accounts are nothing but bikinis . Mind you they aren’t models but normal people, so I suppose he can feel they are more Attainable??
anyway ever since this , I’ve been constantly unable to stop wondering if he just isn’t attracted to me .. I asked and he said that wasn’t the case that it was a pot lapse in judgement , I don’t know how to ever get past it .
We’ve been married for a long time and I do still care for him , I don’t know how to forgive him to be able to move on
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Has he come off Instagram? He clearly can't be trusted on it.
Yes it would bother me, a lot. It's not something a married man should be doing.
He unfollowed ALL questionable women apart from family and close friends his account follows are very PG13 now .. not to say he isn’t looking or DMing .. I suppose that part is hard to know . All I get is his reassurance he isn’t doing it anymore — I have to be honest that each time his phone rings or gets a message it triggers me so badly I start having anxiety .
It’s horrible
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
My wife would be furious. My mental sex space should belong to my wife. Anything else is a step in the wrong direction. Don’t get me wrong I’m a man that likes women a lot but looking and contacting are two different things. I don’t blame you for being upset.
Well that’s how I though this whole thing worked until he felt the need to do what he did and calls us “ casual” conversation…. Yet can’t remember what conversation it was !!
I know the intent is there and had this woman accepted his advances it could hav been way worse.
the fact that he put himself in that situation is what gets to me
For me my self esteem is shot and my trust is shattered … I don’t know how I can move on past this . I know it isn’t a physical thing but it hurts nonetheless
 

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Due to the fact you are scared to leave him you will only self mutilate your own self respect little by little. Your going to look in the mirror and dislike what you became. He is pretty much slapping you in the face and if you believe he has quit then your in denial.

You bet it hurts ... trust is gone.
 

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Has he come off Instagram? He clearly can't be trusted on it.
Yes it would bother me, a lot. It's not something a married man should be doing.
This unfortunately wouldn’t even be a solution. He could easily login on a browser, use a friends phone, or make a new account. He’s broken their trust and has shown he doesn’t respect their commitment to each other.
 

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He unfollowed ALL questionable women apart from family and close friends his account follows are very PG13 now .. not to say he isn’t looking or DMing .. I suppose that part is hard to know . All I get is his reassurance he isn’t doing it anymore — I have to be honest that each time his phone rings or gets a message it triggers me so badly I start having anxiety .
It’s horrible
I really hope you do some soul searching and ask yourself why you are giving him a chance to remain married to you. What positive qualities offset this betrayal?

You deserve bliss and this isn’t it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
This unfortunately wouldn’t even be a solution. He could easily login on a browser, use a friends phone, or make a new account. He’s broken their trust and has shown he doesn’t respect their commitment to each other.
He claims that at the time he didn’t get attention from me so seemed I’ve seeked it elsewhere , even though in my defense it was due to an illness that has now gone back to normal
 

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I don’t know how to forgive him to be able to move on
I am really sorry that your husband did this to you. I can only tell you, from my perspective, that I'd have a helluva hard time forgiving my spouse if he wasn't really, really serious about making things right - no rug sweeping or minimizing the hurt.

I don't think you can heal and move on unless he makes a concerted effort to let you know that his marriage - and you - are his top priorities. Anything less is crap.

Do you think he can see how much he's hurt you, or is he minimizing the pain he's caused?
 

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He claims that at the time he didn’t get attention from me so seemed I’ve seeked it elsewhere , even though in my defense it was due to an illness that has now gone back to normal
His actions didn’t have anything to do with you though. You didn’t cause him to stray - he chose to do that instead of turning to you to meet his needs. If you couldn’t meet his needs, he had the option to leave. He chose the cheater’s route and only focused on himself.

What other good qualities does he have as a spouse? It’s still hard to understand why you ar staying. You seem to be taking the blame.
 

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So you were ill and he wasn’t getting enough attention and an EA with some rando was his solution? You’ll never again trust him the way you once did — and you shouldn’t now that you know all it takes for him to have an EA is for you to be ill.
 

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Did your husband give his unwell wife attention during her illness? Motivating you, caring for you? Kind words and assistance?
 
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