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My wife's currently working far away. Far enough that the only way there is by air. A few days ago, we (her, me, son) had an incident - my son was in a car crash. He wasn't seriously hurt, but was in a lot of pain (got his bell rung real good), and so wasn't really up to all that much talking. Instead of dealing with the insurance and all that stuff, he just wanted to sleep. However, she was all gung ho to start nagging him about working hours and excessive driving, and other stuff.

Anyway, in the end, nobody on this end did anything she wanted us to do. At the end of the day, I talked with her on skype and she was complaining to the effect that "nobody wants my input" and "I feel like I'm not respected". Mostly, of course, because we simply didn't do what she was determined we should do. She just couldn't resist the "do this, do that, blah blah" mode, and while my son got angry at her, I didn't. I just didn't make him do anything. I didn't what she wanted us to do or to discuss was even faintly proper at that time.

Nowhere in these interactions is any disrespect, but this always happens and she gets really angry and starts lashing out with the "nobody wants my input" ( i'm just isolated and ignored) stuff when I or anyone else refuses to simply "obey" what she tries to tell us to do (not a "what do I do?" question anywhere, it wasn't about asking her for help). This kind of lashing out results in me and the kids simply not telling her anything, simply because we're tired of being ordered around.

And, of course, then she complains.

I just can't come up with a response to this. She's not saying "You didn't do what I said to do" or "you asked, but then refused my advice", it's couched in "you insulted me or hurt my feelings by resisting" type of implication.

I'm simply unable to understand the mindset. It has never occurred to me to complain and act all hurt and angry if someone doesn't want my directions on something they didn't ask for them about. I have tried to explain that she doesnt offer these things in a "here's a suggestion" manner, it's usually delivered in a straight out order to do whatever. Even if it isn't, she's still all angry and lashes out - venting on me, even if I didn't happen to be a party to any of it.

So, I'm looking for suggestions.
 

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"Nobody wants my input."

"In that case, why not wait for them to ask for it?"
I didn't ask for a way to start WWIII :)

Really, I've tried that kind of approach, and it's not about that. It's that if nobody asks, and she volunteers, and it's not accepted and done, she gets all resentful about it. She also acts highly resentful and hurt if she's NOT asked or not made involved in things.

I've said elsewhere that she just doesn't comprehend that other people resent being just "told what to do". And to her, the "not asking" is also a problem. It's the "I have a right to push my opinions and what I think you should do and you have an obligation to ask for them" to avoid hurting her feelings. And she does get hurt... to the point of going to the bedroom, curling up in a ball and balling her eyes out. And then yelling at me because I somehow didn't act in some way like she wanted - again, even if it didn't involve me.

When I objected to her trying to get him to do what she wanted, the response was "Who are you to tell ME what I can say and can't say? I can say whatever I want to whoever I want!" It was an accusation of controlling her.

In a way I suppose it could be viewed that way, but that idea has never stopped her from constantly trying to tell me what I should or should not do, and say and not say.
 

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You already know she is a whack job. You just spin your wheels trying to figure out how to deal with her. There is no logical response to her, because her attitude isn't logical. You know this.

It should be a bit easier since she is far away. There are two phrases you should use.... alot.

1. "We'll handle it. You don't have to worry, we got this." Period.
2. "If you are going to talk crappy to me, I'm not participating in this conversation." Period. Walk away.

Really, how mad can she get from far away? Why does it matter if she gets all pissy and complaining when she is somewhere else? I understand how old it gets when they are right there in the room and it's a never ending complaint...btdt. But once they are somewhere else....YOU are in the driver's seat.
 

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You already know she is a whack job. You just spin your wheels trying to figure out how to deal with her. There is no logical response to her, because her attitude isn't logical. You know this.

It should be a bit easier since she is far away. There are two phrases you should use.... alot.

1. "We'll handle it. You don't have to worry, we got this." Period.
2. "If you are going to talk crappy to me, I'm not participating in this conversation." Period. Walk away.

Really, how mad can she get from far away? Why does it matter if she gets all pissy and complaining when she is somewhere else? I understand how old it gets when they are right there in the room and it's a never ending complaint...btdt. But once they are somewhere else....YOU are in the driver's seat.
First of all, I don't "know" she's a "whack job". People have issues. I have mine. I've invested 25 years of my time in this. Perhaps I'm slow to get traction here, but I want to proactively do something. This business about leaving or just focusing on your own self because that other person has developed behaviors that make you unhappy isn't going to work for me. I have to KNOW it's utterly unworkable first. I stood in front of the preacher and said "I do". And meant it. You don't become emotionally healthy by breaking your promises to yourself and others.

For far too long, I just used her behavior to justify why I was angry at her at times. But being angry at someone is a destructive thing. I'll freely admit that prior to this point, I have done little to practively seek to rectify things.

I would far rather get both her and my selves in order than just walk away, and I do NOT think her incapable of doing so anymore than I am incapable of making attempts at not being blind to my own issues.

I am, however, trying to find some way to get this across. You don't reason with angry people, that's an unbreakable rule. But you do need to be able to respond and to make it clear when something happens that should not - and do so in a way you can address it later... when things have cooled off.

Being long distance makes that MUCH harder. Communication is far more non-verbal than verbal, and so things all but cannot be done while far separated.

Still, I need to find a way to respond that is NOT about being provoking or coming off as a pompous ass - which apparently I do once in a while, without realizing it.
 

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I tried to help you on your other post. She is verbally & emotionally abusive - what more is there to "figure out?"

I suggest you read books on how to respond & interract with such a person. I lived with it for 22 yrs. & could never "figure it out" so I left & am sooooo much happier not to mention I have inner peace.

If my current husband so much as raises his voice to me, up goes the hand!
 

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I get what you are dealing with...and I guess "whack" is subjective. Non-logical, angry with no room for discussion or compromise, or even suggestion.... to me that is whack.

And ya, I've been there. That describes my ex. 23 years of ambiguity, what not to say, topics to avoid, irrational and usually misplaced anger, etc.... Like you, I too decided to be proactive. I set up marriage counseling. Told him about it, invited him to go with me. He said, "Why? You are the one with a problem."

Next time I went I invited him again. "Nope". There was no healthy discussion. How can you have a healthy relationship with no real or sincere discussion?

Sooooooo..... the counselor told me what I already knew. She said, "You feel powerless because he won't discuss things with you. He doesn't value your opinion, your attention, and your worth" (True)." She said that I had two choices... either figure out how to be ok with it, knowing that I can't change him, and THIS is how he just is. Or make changes for myself. So that I am ok... so that my life is ok one way or another.

So, my plan (still thinking proactive) was to mentally give it a year, try some improvements, see if I can somehow bring us closer, (All me, right? Because that's all I could do.... ) I instituted family nite (hoping to bring us all together and appreciate good qualities)...but he refused to join, always an excuse. I quit offering conversation to him. When he asked if I was ok (he did, once in awhile) I said sure... we don't have any problems. I mostly bumbled around in my own world, working and taking care of the kids.... and still always trying to figure this out. I was pleasent, we had good sex, but it wasn't anything special...all of it. It was just there.

After about 6 months, he left. Actually, he kind of quit coming home.... see, anything else would require discussion. By then we had distanced emotionally, and physically...and it took 3 days of him sneaking in while I was at work to pick up a few more items...before I realized he was gone. I called him, said "Did you move out?" And THIS is how avoidant he was.... he said "Let's talk about it this weekend." In hindsight, it is freakin hilarious. At the time, it was sad and pitiful.

That whole long story, is to show that other people have been or are now where you are. You can only fix YOU. You can project the qualities that you appreciate, but you can't make her appreciate them. YOU cannot fix her. You can only do what makes sense to you, do your best to not hurt people. Treat people how you want to be treated.... I know this all sounds cliche', but it's all true. All you can do is be open, and honest, decent and even loving... she'll either come around or she won't. But you can't let her change YOU either.

Well, after awhile this all turns into rambling...

Good luck.
 
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