[alte Dame]

One of the biggest issues of trust is the obvious, i.e., that your spouse can rely on your faithfulness.

You already know that this is the immediate trust element that you have to face with your BW.

The harder one, in my opinion, involves your BW's ability to trust you when you say you love her. She doesn't believe that. She asks how you could do the most intimate things for so long with another woman if you really, truly loved her.

If you feel you were in love with the other woman, she won't believe that you love her. If you even still like the other woman, she won't believe that you love her. If you contact the OW in any way, she won't believe that you love her. As I said before, it completely blows her mind that a 'normal' for you could be saying you love her, but sleeping with your gf.

This is a big part of the trust mountain that you have to climb.

Actions as well as words are necessary. Complete NC with the OW. Complete transparency regarding all of your communications. You know the drill. Complete honesty. Complete patience. Understanding that it takes 2-5 years to recover from the pain of infidelity.

Here is a link from Affaircare's site that will tell you more on what to expect from your BW:

Understanding Your Loyal Spouse | AFFAIRCARE

 

[Affaircare]

Hey alte Dame, thanks for the shout out!

I actually have another link for you from my site, mark73, and I don't mean to be like promoting "me" but this is just a really good link! Crucial Steps to Building Trust After an Affair | AFFAIRCARE

You want to know how to rebuild trust? It's going to be a little scary but the best way to rebuild trust is to be 100% honest. Now that sounds easy (honest=don't lie, right?) but in reality it's not, because what I'm talking about is TRANSPARENCY.

I like to envision the True You inside this bubble in the middle of you. Up to now, you've built walls so people can not see see the True You, and inside those walls you've put up masks to hide the True You. And the True You is what you truly think and what you truly feel and what you are truly doing....

So instead of hiding behind walls and showing people an image of you that you've built that you want people to see--sort of like "the image of you"--being transparent means letting your wife SEE THROUGH and really see who you truly are. You let her in!! She gets to see what you actually think, how you actually feel, and who you really are.

That means you will have to either destroy those walls you've built to hide behind/protect you or you'll have to bring them down some other way. That means you'll have to not only drop the masks, but also let her see what's behind the mask! You need to let her see the part of you that you are afraid to even admit TO YOURSELF!

THAT is transparency! And that's what I'm talking about when I say that you have to be honest. You have to learn to let your wife in on your life. You have to learn to let your wife know what you're thinking--honestly--even if it's not flattering or boosting your ego. You have to learn to share your true feelings with your wife even when you're afraid that if you tell her, she'll be _____ (insert "mad" "hurt" etc.).

In addition to that, you are going to need to spend considerable time having your words and your actions MATCH, and not just "allowing" your wife to check your phone, your email, your car, etc. but INCLUDING YOUR WIFE in your phone, your email, your car, etc. By that, I mean that if you say you'll be home at 5:00pm, then come hell or high water you better have your tookus home at 5pm -OR- contact her well ahead of time, mutually agree it's okay to be home later, and be in the company of people who can confirm there was not even a suggestion of evil. You were in the habit of excluding our wife, doing things behind her back, hiding things from her, and trying to cover a clear and obvious lie--and NOW you are going to have to change that 180 degrees. You need to INCLUDE your wife in your whole, entire life, you need to do things in front of her, you have to open every part of your life to her, and you need to let your wife get to know you intimately (and I don't mean sex--I mean know all of you, warts and all).

So the hardest part is when you have something that you are "not okay with" or something happens that you are pretty sure is going to make her mad or upset. To build trust, you have to leap off the cliff and take the risk. You HAVE TO stick your neck out and tell her that you are not okay with the way XYZ has been going and you'd like to ask if she'd be willing to do ABC instead. You HAVE TO stick your neck out and tell her that ex-OW emailed you at work and you immediately called XXX dependable person at work she trusts to watch as you did not open it but instead filed it under the "TRASH" file and she is free to open it if she wants to read it. Of course, this means that you also have to actually NOT contact the ex-OW and if she fishes for contact, you have to not open it and actually call the trusted person at work to witness you not opening it, etc. You can't build trust if you are not being trustWORTHY.

Once you have told her the truth like that, and been transparent in that way for quite a while, it is conceivable she may be able to have some trust in you. Once she has gone for several MONTHS or maybe YEARS and you are transparent and honest and including her and your words match your actions, at that point she may take the leap herself and start to trust you. What WILL NOT build trust is telling her you mean it... or trying to force or guilt her into trusting you... or thinking she should be over it already. Words mean NOTHING right now. You used words to outright lie to her and blame her! So no word is going to suffice. Only a long, long time of consistent action will rebuild it.