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When my husband gets mad he becomes verbally abusive and shouts things that are untrue and very hurtful. I We just started couples therapy. I have a lot of repressed anger towards him for some of the things he has said when he's angry and I don't know how I'll get over that, meanwhile he bought me expensive jewelry for Christmas, I think, and it just feels awkward because I don't really feel touchy feely for him these days, I hope with couples therapy that gets better but right now it's hard to know how to react to something like that in this frame of mind. Any advice?
 

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I don't have any answers but I do have a bunch of questions:

If you didn't have that built up resentment, how would you have reacted? Is a subdued reaction going to start another fight and more hurtful words?

Has he always had anger management issues? Is there some external trigger that has made it worse? Are you physically afraid of him? Does he know how he's acted is inappropriate?
 

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If I were you, I would accept your husband's gift, but be sure that he knows that this doesn't just magically make his poor treatment of you disappear, or excuse it in the future.

I hope your therapy is successful in steering you toward whatever decision you think is best. Merry Christmas.
 

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(1) Thank him for his gift, sincerely, because we don't want to play tit-for-tat. It's kind of a good sign that he would like things to be better.

(2) Be sure your counselor is well experienced specifically in couples work and is addressing the issues

(3) Try to figure out what happens in the few moments before he gets mad. What presses his buttons. If you have a movie of it in your mind, don't start the clip where he says hurtful things, start it a few seconds earlier.
 

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He's verbally abusive and has done a ton of damage to you over the years with his ABUSE.

Why should you jump up and down and tell him how thankful you are just because he bought you something expensive? He's damned lucky you're still there. I would have left his happy ass years ago.
 

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Abusive people don't see their actions as abusive. Whatever form it takes it is damaging and it sounds like you have internalized alot of your feelings to save you from his wrath. My question is why have you stayed? Counseling might be able to address this but I can tell you it takes alot of your part and on his part to reverse the dance the two of you currently have. It sounds like you have distanced yourself emotionally from your husband and do not feel a physical desire for him. An expensive piece of jewelry is not really what your heart desires from him and you are going to see it as him wanting something in return....is that correct? He very well may have bought the piece as a gesture of his love. The two of you are going to really need to be open and honest with one another so you can each understand how the other person is feeling. If either are spitting poisonous words at the other it is only going to cause more hurt.
 

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He's verbally abusive and has done a ton of damage to you over the years with his ABUSE.

Why should you jump up and down and tell him how thankful you are just because he bought you something expensive? He's damned lucky you're still there. I would have left his happy ass years ago.
Easy to say....
 

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Abusive people don't see their actions as abusive. Whatever form it takes it is damaging and it sounds like you have internalized alot of your feelings to save you from his wrath. My question is why have you stayed? Counseling might be able to address this but I can tell you it takes alot of your part and on his part to reverse the dance the two of you currently have. It sounds like you have distanced yourself emotionally from your husband and do not feel a physical desire for him. An expensive piece of jewelry is not really what your heart desires from him and you are going to see it as him wanting something in return....is that correct? He very well may have bought the piece as a gesture of his love. The two of you are going to really need to be open and honest with one another so you can each understand how the other person is feeling. If either are spitting poisonous words at the other it is only going to cause more hurt.
I agree, those truly abusive see the abused as truly deserving.

A fair share of people who are abusive cannot control their emotions (obviously).

One's anxiety and depression, and those built up resentments (unable to forget and forgive old hurts) is what drives them to hurt those they love.

One's hair-trigger temper is chemically derived in the body. This is not a reprieve, just a fact.
He needs to be on anti-anxiety meds.

As you know, many drink to calm themselves, to soothe away their anxiety.
This works for many when drinking, but the alcohol soon wears off and then those feelings then return in spades.
............................................

On the jewelry...

This tells me he knows he is in the wrong.
I know, too little, too late.
.............................................

Eventually, abusive people need to be cast aside.

Life is too short to tolerate fixable misery.
 
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Thank you's are ice breakers, "Damn!" busters.
 
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