Bad Santa has pointed out in other threads that some women have "responsive desire." That is they normally don't think about sex, but if something causes them to think about sex and get slightly turned on, then it quickly becomes "game on." In this kind of relationships, date nights, watching sexy Netflix movies, having candle lit dinners, etc. can be either seen as being romantic, trying to get your partner to have sexual relations, or just being a good partner. Based on past posts, this seems to be part of the dynamic in Bad Santa's relationship.
I my marriage if I tell my wife she is beautiful she doesn't believe me. If I tell her that I love her, she doesn't believe me. She often comments that, "love is not real as we are just two people stuck together and you need sex all the time!" Historically I used to get crushed by those comments. While working to improve my marriage to some extent one has to up their game and get creative in order to accomplish their agenda. Mine was to simply reconnect with my wife emotionally and physically in ways that we could celebrate our marriage and being together. After about fifteen years of being married, the quality of sex dwindled. It still happened but only because I insisted and put effort into it. Often she would push me away or tell me to hurry up and get done.
Getting back to the title of this thread, I chose it because that is what my wife has perpetually accused me of doing to her. Anything and everything nice I would do is because I wanted sex. She would get upset at me when I would initiate if I had been extra nice recently because she knew it in her heart that it was only for sex. Gosh this would make me so frustrated as I felt there was no way to win in terms of trying to make things any better and more bearable.
I didn't give up. As I do love my wife and love is worth fighting for.
Fast forward another decade and I have learned A LOT. Much of it is about perspective and self confidence. One has to also learn to read their spouse and not react to one's own self doubt. So this is me now in how I read my spouse:
I don't believe in love = I want to be reminded love is real
I don't believe I am beautiful = I want you to prove me wrong and that I am beautiful
I believe you are using me for sex = I need to feel you want me as a person
You would probably f*** any vagina but I happen to be the only one available = I need to be reminded what makes you only want to be with me
I am fat and overweight = I need your help taking care of my health so I can be my best for you
You are lazy and always in a bad mood = please take better care of yourself physically and emotionally so that you will be around for me to love you for many more years to come
So when I read my wife correctly, I often correct her and ask if she means the positive version of those comments above. She will always smile and claim that after all these years that I now know her. Then I'll 180 and ask if I can use her for sex. She will giggle and ask me if I am wanting regular or high octane which is our code words for certain things in the bedroom. Then I'll tell her that I don't love her and that I just want to get in her pants as much as possible until the end of time (which is a covert compliment!). She laughs and the sparks fly.
It is almost as if my wife enjoys role playing the bad version of our marriage as, "just tell me that you want to use me for sex so I can give you what you want as opposed to complaining about all this you want me to feel loved crap!" ...in a way that is actually loving and playful irony of making fun of our past struggles. Then I bring on my game and at some point her jaw drops and she says, "this is not fair that you you can do this to me" right as she is enjoying things the most.
I don't understand why she says, "it is not fair" once she responds and enjoys the moment. Perhaps it is because she still feels I enjoy using her for sex and she didn't anticipate that she too would enjoy it so much as well. In other words I won at my game of manipulating her and getting her into bed.
At one point during intense arguments and debates that were constructive, she did thank me for being pushy about physical intimacy. She said had I not been that she would have missed out on a lot of enjoyment in our marriage because that it is not in her nature to push for that.