[EleGirl]

Our lives are spent in so much silence. We have been married for 30 years. We do all the things the stupid marriage books tell me to do: we have weekends together, we speak respectfully to each other, we share some hobbies, we do charity work together... Yet I spent 10 hours in the car with him yesterday to such silence and it is always that way. I will try to say something and he gives a brief answer. I ask him to expand and he will a little, then silence again. I can chat on and on about my job, but I don't think he is very interested. He can chat on and on about guns, but I could really care less though I try to ask questions but it just doesn't really interest me.. So I'm faking it. Our sex life stinks. We went away for a little vacation and got back yesterday. No sex at all. I'm so bored and lonely and I cannot wait for my job to start again.

You are the one who wants him to change. So you need to do some work here. Get interested in guns.

I assume he owns some guns. Ask him to talk you shooting. Get involved in it as a sport with him. Then once you have his attention, you can slow draw him towards things you are interested in.

You might benefit from the book "Divorce Busting"... yea I know you believe that marriage is forever so the book title is a turn off. But what the book talks about could help you.

 

[hazel55]

You are the one who wants him to change. So you need to do some work here. Get interested in guns.

I assume he owns some guns. Ask him to talk you shooting. Get involved in it as a sport with him. Then once you have his attention, you can slow draw him towards things you are interested in.

You might benefit from the book "Divorce Busting"... yea I know you believe that marriage is forever so the book title is a turn off. But what the book talks about could help you.

Did you see my earlier post? I took a CHL class with him. I've shot with him. I don't need to ask him about his guns. He shows me the cool features or the antique stuff or how this one is different than that one. He is constantly buying them from auctions and showing me all about them. I ask questions and try to be interested. But guns kill people. I don't like them, but I know they excite him so I try to be interested.

 

[turnera]

Which is why I suggest a different hobby that you both will take interest in.

 

[ABHale]

Did you see my earlier post? I took a CHL class with him. I've shot with him. I don't need to ask him about his guns. He shows me the cool features or the antique stuff or how this one is different than that one. He is constantly buying them from auctions and showing me all about them. I ask questions and try to be interested. But guns kill people. I don't like them, but I know they excite him so I try to be interested.

Wrong, people kill people. Sometimes they use a gun. Most often it is a drunk driver behind the wheel of a car.

I wish you the best. My wife and I are in the same situation that you and your husband are in.

 

[hazel55]

Which is why I suggest a different hobby that you both will take interest in.

We already farm/garden/take care of cows together. He is learning to play the guitar and I sing along. We are both learning Spanish for our charity work. We take long weekends to visit state parks or historical places and hike. We take camping vacations . ( We will be gone for 2 weeks this time.) We just do it in silence... I'm not sure what other hobby or how a new one will help.

 

[turnera]

You don't talk about the places you're hiking in? About camping? About your charity work?

Has he never talked much? Some people just don't like to talk. If he's one of them, there's probably not much you can do as that would require him being a different person. If he's just taking the marriage for granted, it might require you greasing the wheels, even though you don't want to be the one doing it.

 

[KrisAmiss]

I like book club cuz it sparks conversation about things you wouldn't normally talk about. Early in my marriage when my DH still read books, we had our own "book club." I find that particularily bonding. Now we talk politics, news. But he talks and shares with me. Work is not terribly interesting but personal stuff about his workmates is.

My college love didn't talk to me for a 5 hour car ride once. Worst trip ever. I would've been mostly miserable married to him. Is it a lack of conversation topics or an underlying grudge or hatred? If it's the latter, then there's your topic!

 

[hazel55]

You don't talk about the places you're hiking in? About camping? About your charity work?

Has he never talked much? Some people just don't like to talk. If he's one of them, there's probably not much you can do as that would require him being a different person. If he's just taking the marriage for granted, it might require you greasing the wheels, even though you don't want to be the one doing it.

Yes we do talk about those things: Have you made the schedule of what we will do each day? We need to talk about reservations for the activities. Have we emailed the mission participants about what to pack? Have we made the schedule for the mission trip? Contacted the in-country partners?
Everything whether it is a vacation or charity work ends up being real work if that makes sense. Every conversation revolves around what we need to do not just talking for pleasure sake. If we aren't talking about what we need to do about something: farm chores, house chores, things to do for the kids, charity, vacation planning, etc., we aren't talking. We did listen to a podcast on our weekend trip and talked a little bit about that. Does that make sense? I'm tired of everything being about work to be done. I've tried some of those dating question lists but those don't seem to go very well ( What are you most afraid of? What do you see yourself doing in 5 years? What is your funniest memories?) but they seem really artificial and the conversations don't last long...

 

[tropicalbeachiwish]

@hazel55

Is it possible that he's depressed? When did the change happen and did something happen in his life about the same time?

 

[hazel55]

We have bunch of big crisis over the last few years. This article came to my email today and it is quite appropriate


For Better or For Worse: Dealing With Tough Times in Marriage - SYMBIS Assessment


This part in particular resonated with me:

In general, every relationship has seasons; love has its own natural ebb and flow. But it’s almost a guarantee that most marriages will experience dry spells in the midst of hard times. Tough situations are very consuming, and that can drain all your energy before you’re able to give your marriage the attention it needs.
It’s pretty typical, at some point in most marriages, for spouses to express, “We were soulmates, but now we’re roommates.” When you’ve been dealing with difficult issues, you might come out of it feeling like this.
If you’ve managed to hold onto each other and get through your unique situation together, you’re one step ahead of the pack already. Clearly, your commitment to each other is still there–but it has been tested, and emotionally, it might feel pretty empty.


They suggest the following things:
Revisit things you have in common.
Reminisce together.
Invest in the interests or activities that excite your spouse.
Laugh together!


Laugh together is the one I miss most... I'm not quite sure how to achieve that. That is what I miss most. Our latest crisis is a suicidal child. The others over the last 3 years have been just as serious and there have been 4 or 5 of them. I don't want to get into all of them here, but they were serious. I'm tired. I feel a little better because we actually made love last night. I am just tired of talking about/ dealing with crisis or work stuff. I just want to relax and have fun with each other...

 

[turnera]

Maybe do some things that are a little daring or spontaneous. Like go to new restaurants and talk about what you liked and didn't like about it. Or drive to a nearby town and just pick a place to go into. Or get on a bus and say you're getting off at the fifth stop, and see what happens. Or rent some roller skates. Try to imagine what you'd be doing when you were dating, and recreate that.