How to handle guilt

Are you suggested staying in a marriage where I feel no love for him and faking it??

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Kimberley17--I am so sorry you find yourself in this predicament. It is such a difficult position. My wife has been there, and believe it or not, I was too. 2 years ago, she admitted that she did not have those feelings for me anymore. I, unfortunately, had to admit to myself that I was there too. I went to work finding out why/when/how. We went to therapy and the whole deal.

One thing I learned very quickly, having love feelings for someone in a long term relationship has to do with feeling good about who you are and loving yourself. The key to long lasting love is being with someone who makes you feel good for being you. If you want those feelings back, you can get them. It takes a lot of work, and you have to face yourself. It is scary and humbling. It brings brokenness and pain. BUT, it is so worth it.

My wife, unfortunately, did not want to do the work and ran from it. It was so sad to watch her struggle with going to therapy and not doing the work. If you change your circumstances, you might get an initial reprieve, but ultimately you have to live with you. You are doomed to repeat the same mistakes. My ex is so miserable, angry, bitter, and so empty.....it hurts my heart for her. I don't want that for you. Take a reprieve. Don't focus on your feelings for him. Take some time, get into a good individual therapy situation, and get a support group of people (women) that can help you work through your feelings for yourself.

It would be good for your husband to do the same. That way he can deal with the currect rejection from you, and therefore, appear more attractive as a man in your eyes.

Love is something that comes from doing things for the other person. The more you put into it the more you get out of the relationship. All couples reach a point where they feel 'out of love'. You find yourself 'in love' with someone when you devote yourself to them and make yourself happy in other aspects of your life. Bad communication between couples usually is what causes arguments, resentment and the feeling of being ignored. You grow to not understand what the other person wants and needs so it’s hard to fulfill those desires or have yours fulfilled. This leads to frustration, resentment and anger. Though that is a two way street. You have to ask yourself whatever he didn't do for you that caused you to feel ignored or resentful. Did you do those things for him?

It’s usually the couples that work through this kind of stuff who find a deeper respect and love for each other. Others just repeat the same mistakes over and over in future relationships. Having kids in the equation is especially hard since it really destroys them and can have very long lasting effects on who they become. The heart and emotions can betray a person. Common sense, brains and doing what you know is right usually leads to better pastures. Just my opinion of course and I'm no leading expert on the subject. Though I find it a shame that Marriage itself has become such a easy a thing to throw away.

That being said if you don't feel like trying or getting help I'm afraid there is nothing you can do about your guilt. I'm sure if the tables were turned you would feel completely devastated. It’s a crushing blow to find out the one you love and all your dreams for the future are destroyed in one fell swoop. So have some pity. He should eventually become dull with the pain and not cry as much. Though the pain will probably last him a fear years. There is not much you can do to ease the pain. If you comfort him it will only send mixed signals that the relationship is savable. If you are cold and ugly to him it will only drive him further into depression. The only thing you can do is be polite and stay in the center of both of those extremes and ride it out.

Good luck to you. I know you are probably not a bad person and problems like this arise because of both parties. Like I said its usually communication problems and people not being able to express their needs and desires to their partner that lead to this. The arguments that follow compound the problem. Once you've said certain things they can be impossible to push out of one's mind. Marriage should require partners take communication and relationship classes before they are allowed to marry and maybe this kind of thing wouldn't happen so often.

Kim, wow you have not gotten a lot of help or support re your specific question.

A bit more info might help with some suggestions. Most of us here including me are very pro-marriage. But of course the marriage should be a good and strong one, not an unhappy one kept together to satisfy external expectations.

You said you tried counseling. Maybe there is a different direction you can try with counseling. Is your husband amenable to really working hard on building the relationship? Is he willing to try some new things and to change his behaviors and thought processes?

Have you two tried self help books like "5 Love Languages", "Getting the Love You Want", "Passionate Marriage"? Is he too much of a doormat? If so he might benefit from "No More Mr. Nice Guy".

Love can be rekindled, and I would support you trying some of the above kinds of things. On the other hand I know that if you have really checked out of the marriage it is going to be hard or impossible to get the spark back.

For me, I feel a person has to go all the way down the road and try everything possible before giving up on a family. Then you can look yourself in the mirror and know there was nothing more to try. You feel guilty for making your husband unhappy if you divorce. But would it be right for him to insist you stay married? Wouldn't that then mean he was making you unhappy by keeping you in the marriage?

So I am not going to chastise you for wanting divorce. I am just going to encourage you to look at other creative options if you haven't yet.

Hi there, your post is touching a lot of similarities with my situation. My W left me 4 mths ago saying ILYBNILWY and she 'didn't fancy me anymore'.

Our marriage wasnt particularly bad just we got into a bit of a rut and too much normality (apart from the holiday to Florida we'd just come back from!!). There's more emotional stuff beneath the surface that caused us to drift apart, but I wanted to work through it as love her deeply. I believe she made her decision based mostly on the way she felt (which could change in future).

We have 3 beautiful daughters (2 are my step children). We had been to counselling to communicate better 18 mths agndr or 3 mths and made some great strides forward.

When she delivered the message this time she refused counselling saying she knew it wouldn't work. I was and still am crushed. Our 4 yr old cries a lot for the other parent when she is with one of us and cannot understand why mummy and daddy don't spend any time with her together anymore. It kills me to see her hurting too. I rarely see my step daughters as not main parent.

All our hopes and dreams are dead and were selling the house to divide our assets (the only one the children can remember and love).

I wonder how long you've been married (3.5 yrs for me) and how long you went to counselling for? If not long then I would encourage you to stick it out for longer. Try EVERYTHING.

I have tried everything I can to get my W back but she is adamant she's made the right decision. In time I expect to recover, but there's still lots more pain to come. I wish she would've stuck it out longer. I agree with the earlier poster who said you can make choices about your feelings. My W chose to go unfortunately.

I feel helpless as didn't get the opportunity to work through this issue with my W. this is the main thing stopping me from moving on. At least you have tried counselling for your issue with your H. Good on you for that.

You shouldn't feel guilty if you've tried everything. Some things aren't meant to be and the universe doesn't get it wrong apparently.

One thing that has upset me a lot is the way my W has treated me following the separation. She has been cold and detached. It's like she's a different person now.

It would've been easier for me if she'd have been more supportive. She could've done this without her stance changing. It hurts that she's treating me like we've been divorced for 5 yrs already.

I wish you all the best whatever you choose. You sound like a good person and should not feel guilty if you've really tried hard to make it work.

Decorum I agree on most of what you posted in terms of her affair. But I disagree on the religious mandate part because I am Atheist. I believe there are good reasons for divorce, plus the Bible (and other religions' books) allow for divorce under certain circumstances. I believe Kimberly has an obligation to make a strong effort to save her family, especially since there are children, but ultimately she has to make a decision based on her own belief system. Not some external belief system whether it be mine or yours or some particular religion's.

The other thing I disagree on is that it would be emasculating to her husband if she divorces him. Her affair was hugely disrespectful etc etc, but a divorce is not emasculating. It does not reflect on his alpha, machismo, or sexual prowess. If she does not love him for whatever reason, it is a kindness to tell him so and to then end the marriage.

Kim, you should feel some guilt for the affair and also for the ending of the marriage. The affair was wrong no matter what. You could have chosen to drag him to therapy or you could have chosen to divorce him. Instead you chose the affair. So I do think you are stuck with guilt over that forever. The demise of the marriage takes two. He could have dragged you to therapy, but he didn't. You both share blame for the divorce. I think the key for you going forward is to do everything you can to rebuild your marriage. If it cannot be saved, you at least have done everything possible. I think then there is room for regret but there shouldn't be guilt over the divorce.