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I think it's tough to discuss in the abstract because it can take so many forms.

My husband's version was to act like he was baffled as to why I was asking certain questions. Like, almost outraged that I would imply he was still in his affair, even indirectly. It's probably one of the more hurtful memories I have, because there's lying, and then there's baldfaced, stare in your eyes, pure unadulterated mendacity.

When I discovered by accident my H was still in an affair, he crumpled and admitted how wrong it was immediately. His 'gaslighting' was never more than an attempt to hide the affair--very, very wrong, but it ended upon discovery (of course, finding a secret email account open on your computer, or receiving a text meant for the OW, is pretty hard for most people to deny).

Unfortunately, I have something else to add--while I didn't experience this, with the worst cases of gaslighting, you will likely never, ever get your spouse to admit the full truth. In the worst case they will never admit to the affair. These are people who keep right on lying and gaslighting as far as you will continue to listen. Some examples:

--Affaircare, whose first husband told her that the hotel security tape showing him coming and going with the OW had to be doctored by...Affaircare...yea right :rolleyes:

--hurtingbadly, whose husband failed a polygraph with very clear, specific questions and to this day will not admit that the polygraph is accurate...she caught HPV but he claimed it was from a single BJ received many years ago as a random ONS...the truth is obviously more complicated than he'd like to pretend.

--Bronwen, who hired a detective who took a photo of her husband kissing the OW in a parking lot, albeit on the cheek--but he had already claimed he had completely cut off contact with the OW and thus the photo totally caught him in a lie.

The point is, if every effort at confrontation simply produces more "you're crazies," then you have your answer. Stop confronting, because your spouse will never admit to what they've done. They won't say so directly, but the message is loud and clear: they are incapable of being a full marriage partner because they are terrified of full emotional intimacy. Be done with such a person--they are not worth your time.
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