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8 Posts
I feel like I'm going crazy. It's been three years since my husband cheated and I can't let it go. We had seperated because he was unhappy. A few days later he is sleeping around with other women and filed for divorce. I was devastated because I thought he had more respect for me and that he would at least wait for a divorce to be final before sleeping around. THough he did not cheat prior to our separation I do consider what he did cheating because we never divorced. Anyways, the next week I found out I was pregnant with our second child. I'd hoped that would bring him home but that didn't happen for another few months. So while he "played around" I tried to be strong for the daughter we already had and to be strong for the baby inside me.
After a few months he came back and wanted to work on our marriage. I loved him and missed him so much so I let him back. Even though my intuition had told me to finalize the divorce that "he wanted" since we had already paid for the whole thing and been through the entire divorce process. FYI, you can't divorce (at least in MO) if you are pregnant. That if I did finalize and things worked out we could always remarry. I didn't do that though, I let him back.
He did a complete 180 and has done everything above and beyond what I asked him to do to regain my trust. So why now? Why am I a complete wreck over this? I wonder if maybe it's because at the time I didn't really grieve my loss. I felt I had to push it down to stay strong for my baby. He at one point told me I should date around so I could gain some perspective. REALLY!? What kind of guy wants to date a pregant woman in the middle of a divorce? I didn't because I couldn't bare to risk my baby's safety just because I wanted to be spiteful and hurt him. I also knew if I did, he would never be able to look at me the same way again. Although I can't look at him the same anymore either.
So I didn't deal with it during pregancy, he came back, baby arrived and I was occupied with that and still didn't grieve over what had just happened. So now it's 3 years later and I'm such a mess about it I don't know what to do. I'm really depressed and angry all the time. It's affecting everything in my life and i don't want that. I don't want to lose him but I feel so lost inside. Like he broke my heart and I can't put it back together because he gave away a piece of me. Constantly questioning (in my head) wheather he really loves me or if it was just easier. Feelings of being unworthy and unattractive. Dettached from myself, my marriage and life in general. Am I just now grieving or is this something else? Because it's been so long since it happened and he's changed I feel like this is my burden and I can't talk to him about it. That I can't hang it over his head for the rest of our lives if I truely want to move on.
I have contimplated divorce because I'm terrified of feeling this way for the rest of my life. Then the realization that the pain and hurt won't go away just because we aren't married anymore sets in. I feel like I am sabotaging my own reconcilitation.
After a few months he came back and wanted to work on our marriage. I loved him and missed him so much so I let him back. Even though my intuition had told me to finalize the divorce that "he wanted" since we had already paid for the whole thing and been through the entire divorce process. FYI, you can't divorce (at least in MO) if you are pregnant. That if I did finalize and things worked out we could always remarry. I didn't do that though, I let him back.
He did a complete 180 and has done everything above and beyond what I asked him to do to regain my trust. So why now? Why am I a complete wreck over this? I wonder if maybe it's because at the time I didn't really grieve my loss. I felt I had to push it down to stay strong for my baby. He at one point told me I should date around so I could gain some perspective. REALLY!? What kind of guy wants to date a pregant woman in the middle of a divorce? I didn't because I couldn't bare to risk my baby's safety just because I wanted to be spiteful and hurt him. I also knew if I did, he would never be able to look at me the same way again. Although I can't look at him the same anymore either.
So I didn't deal with it during pregancy, he came back, baby arrived and I was occupied with that and still didn't grieve over what had just happened. So now it's 3 years later and I'm such a mess about it I don't know what to do. I'm really depressed and angry all the time. It's affecting everything in my life and i don't want that. I don't want to lose him but I feel so lost inside. Like he broke my heart and I can't put it back together because he gave away a piece of me. Constantly questioning (in my head) wheather he really loves me or if it was just easier. Feelings of being unworthy and unattractive. Dettached from myself, my marriage and life in general. Am I just now grieving or is this something else? Because it's been so long since it happened and he's changed I feel like this is my burden and I can't talk to him about it. That I can't hang it over his head for the rest of our lives if I truely want to move on.
I have contimplated divorce because I'm terrified of feeling this way for the rest of my life. Then the realization that the pain and hurt won't go away just because we aren't married anymore sets in. I feel like I am sabotaging my own reconcilitation.