Talk About Marriage banner

1 - 14 of 14 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Been married for 25 years, together for 27. We're less than 2 years apart agewise. Ours is a strange one. Does not involve infidelity. Separated for 9 months now. 2 teenage daughters, one a freshman in college, the other about to finish junior year of high school. Trouble started 5 to 10 years ago. For the first 9 years of our marriage it was just us and things were great. I mean great. I've never trusted anyone like her and still don't. We were so good together. I had my own business, she went to college. Her degree helped her immensely and she's had a great career ever since. She could not have kids(she was honest with me up front). We tried everything artificial insemination-wise to no avail. Right about the time we decided to adopt my business was reaching an end(it was a real estate development). We adopted 2 beautiful girls. I got into the mortgage business. Trouble was timing. I got into it just before the great recession. The business failed. I poured good money after bad and ended up losing the money I'd made in my real estate development and then some. I struggled through, and started a new line of work. Paid my debts off, but still was not making anywhere near what I had before. About this time my youngest daughter started having depression problems. To the point of having to be in inpatient care for a couple of stints. Then about her senior year my oldest daughter starts doing the typical teenage partying thing. The stress level in the house was high. Because of the need to travel to go visit my youngest daughter at least once a week in her inpatient care, I had to quit my job because I was missing too much work. My wife was making more money and had better benefits anyway. I was not easy to live with. Occasionally I'd let my anger get the better of me. My wife and I have never raised a hand to each other and rarely ever fought, maybe one argument a year. We never struck our kids either. But I'm loud and can raise my voice. I tried counseling a couple of times but nothing worked. I just hated myself for not being a good father, provider and husband and that inner loathing was the fuel for my anger. Things have been very rocky over the past 5 years. We separated twice previously for a few months, but tried to work it out each time. My wife has issues too that showed up during all this that were never addressed as my anger was the biggest issue(she can be quite the passive/aggressive ice queen). During the current separation I finally found therapy that worked for my anger. I've made tremendous strides. I found the answer I was finally looking for that gave me the tools to deal with it. Problem is that my wife says she's happier apart and that things are less stressful now. I went to her today and told her I'd like to go to marriage counseling. She flat out refused it. I'm just devastated. We've been together half our lives. I can't stop thinking about us and how great things were and with some tweaking through counseling, could be again. I'm stuck in the past and don't know how to get out of it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
314 Posts
Unfortunately. when one has checked out, they have checked out.
Sounds like she is done.
Doing the "Pick me Dance" isn't going to work either.
Are you sure that there is no one else?
My only long shot recommendation is to play off her passive/aggressive/ice queen style.
Study up on the 180 and implement it.
No contact except relationship and kids.
When you have to get together, showcase your new skills.
Get some new clothes, work out, new hair cut, new attitude. Show her the new you.
Show her casual indifference. In a subtle manner, let her see you moving on without her
If that doesn't get a reaction from her, nothing will.
Best of luck.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,040 Posts
Women often take awhile to be done but they usually don’t change their mind when they are. Maybe she’ll be an exception to that or maybe not. Instead of focusing on her, focus on you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,583 Posts
I was "punished" for my anger issues too. I have put it in inverted commas because it was a reaction to my wife' s communication issues, concealing the real degree of her metal problems. And this caused me utter despair. I never touched her. Just outbursts. She claims she can't trust me again, even after 15 years. I'm afraid, when the trust is broken, it's difficult to regain it. It sounds to me she's been detaching for a long time.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
314 Posts
Unfortunately. when one has checked out, they have checked out.
Sounds like she is done.
Doing the "Pick me Dance" isn't going to work either.
Are you sure that there is no one else?
My only long shot recommendation is to play off her passive/aggressive/ice queen style.
Study up on the 180 and implement it.
No contact except relationship and kids.
When you have to get together, showcase your new skills.
Get some new clothes, work out, new hair cut, new attitude. Show her the new you.
Show her casual indifference. In a subtle manner, let her see you moving on without her
If that doesn't get a reaction from her, nothing will.
Best of luck.
I'll also add to this post.
Male/Female dynamics are somewhat fascinating to watch.
She apparently is done with you (at least for now,) but nowhere in your post is the "D" word mentioned.
In my experience, I've found that means "I don't want to be with him right now, but don't want him with anyone else either."
Translation: She wants to keep her options open.
The best way to deal with a monopoly is competition. Don't go out actively seeking someone else, however, use available means to let those closest to you know (in a subtle manner) that you could be on the open market.
If you (totally unsolicited, of course) can get a single woman or two sniffing at you, it might get the Mrs. thinking that if others are interested in you, you might not be so bad after all.
Psychology can be your friend. Mental gymnastics can be used to your advantage.
It might open a door.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
I appreciate everyone's thoughts. While I'd love to get her back, my post was actually meant more as how do I get past this? I'm just trapped in the past. I keep thinking about how good things used to be and that I can't imagine life without her as a part of it. How do I move past that?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,598 Posts
Cut off all unnecessary contact. This is an action you take. It’s not up to her.
Purge anything relating to her.
Unless you let her go completely you’ll keep yourself tied up in this. Time will take care of the rest.
Any contact will reset the clock. That means looking at social media, etc.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,068 Posts
I appreciate everyone's thoughts. While I'd love to get her back, my post was actually meant more as how do I get past this? I'm just trapped in the past. I keep thinking about how good things used to be and that I can't imagine life without her as a part of it. How do I move past that?
So, something to remember is that your marriage was not ALL good or ALL bad, right? There was some good and some bad. Every time you start thinking "Man, I really miss doing xyz with my wife" pair that with something you WON'T miss about her/your marriage. Every time one of those pesky "I miss my wife" thoughts pop up, follow it up with a "but I won't miss...".

Make a list of things that you won't miss. It doesn't mean your wife is a horrible person or that your marriage was a total disaster, just that you are two imperfect people who may not be right for each other. No marriage is perfect and between those "issues" that your wife has that "were never addressed as your anger was the biggest issue" (which is flat out wrong, she needed to work on her just as much as you needed to work on you) and her passive-aggressive ice queen style, I'm sure you can come up with things.

When you start taking a trip down memory lane you can ask yourself, "Is this helping me detach or making it harder?". If it is making it harder, why keep doing it? You can tell yourself to STOP and focus on something else. It does take some practice but you can have a mental stop sign that you put up every time you start heading down memory lane.

It also just takes time. There is no magic pill or button, unfortunately. A marriage ending is like a death, you have to allow yourself to go through the stages of grief.

For now, you should focus on yourself. Start working out if you don't already, improve your self-care routine, work on your sleep hygiene, get a new hair cut or clothes to make yourself feel better, join a support group in your area, make new friends or reconnect with old ones, find activities to do on sites like Meetup - We are what we do and VolunteerMatch - Where Volunteering Begins. Choose things that you are interested in and you will meet like-minded people (some are doing online meetups right now).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
63 Posts
Unfortunately. when one has checked out, they have checked out.
Sounds like she is done.
Doing the "Pick me Dance" isn't going to work either.
Are you sure that there is no one else?
My only long shot recommendation is to play off her passive/aggressive/ice queen style.
Study up on the 180 and implement it.
No contact except relationship and kids.
When you have to get together, showcase your new skills.
Get some new clothes, work out, new hair cut, new attitude. Show her the new you.
Show her casual indifference. In a subtle manner, let her see you moving on without her
If that doesn't get a reaction from her, nothing will.
Best of luck.
And if she doesn’t react the way you hope she will...then continue on with your new you and don’t let that disappointment bring you down.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,997 Posts
How do you get over it. If you are done, of if you are done. YOU JUST DO IT...

I know it sucks, I know it is hard, you just do it.

It is never as hard as we think or as easy as we wish but it will happen...

You divorce, move on, don't talk to her about anything but the kids, and find a new life.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,040 Posts
Distract yourself when you start obsessing about it.

Yell “STOP” (to yourself or even out loud if you‘re alone) when the loop starts running.

It takes time — sometimes lots of it — to get over someone. Be good to yourself.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
314 Posts
I appreciate everyone's thoughts. While I'd love to get her back, my post was actually meant more as how do I get past this? I'm just trapped in the past. I keep thinking about how good things used to be and that I can't imagine life without her as a part of it. How do I move past that?
You get up in the morning, drag yourself out of bed and keep breathing.
You strive each day to do something that makes you a better person.
You look around you at others less fortunate then you and be thankful for what you have.
You realize that you have a temporary situation, not a permanent condition.
You get up the next morning and do the same thing.
It should be easier since you have one more day under your belt.
Rinse and repeat daily.
You are in charge of your happiness, not someone you gave a ring to 25 years ago.
Think of your current status as a blank canvas. You can paint your own picture.
 
1 - 14 of 14 Posts
Top