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Uh, what?

Maybe go back and read her threads?
@MMH, you know after over 20 years of marriage raising kids supporting an abusive husband don’t you think it ought to be about her? Too often women wake up in their late 40s and 50s and realise they have poured themselves out for husband kids, parents etc, made sacrifices, put up with all manner of **** only to find that at the end of the day no one really gives a damn about all the sacrifices, hard work etc. When the nurturing hormones drop and their eyes are opened to the real state of affairs, too right they put themselves first. For years they are raised on fed on the BS that they are the centre of the family, they are the nurturers, etc. Enough already! Let @WandaJ find her bliss, she deserves it and it’s her right! So quit your misogynist bs!
 

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@WandaJ,

I first want to say I'm sorry you are in this situation. Just from what little you shared in this thread, sounds like an incredibly destructive situation for you to be in for many years. I am glad you are moving towards a better future for yourself. You surely did not deserve the sort of abuse and mindfuck you have endured.

Thank you Thor. Maybe you are right, maybe still living here together, the same house, the same work, still not telling anyone that we are splitting, put me in some kind of emotional limbo.
I even tried anti-depressant in the fall, it worked great - I felt like myself again. But it increased my blood pressure and I had to quit it. maybe I should go back and try different options.
I'm not a mental health professional, and I don't presume I really know what is going on. But, fwiw, here's what comes to mind as I read your words. Apologies in advance if you feel it has nothing to do with your current experience.

1) You are underestimating depression. It is your enemy. It colors everything about your world until you work it out of you. It can be a hard problem to solve. But, solving it -- by trying things you haven't tried, or trying things again you already tried but didn't stick to -- needs to be your number one focus. Do something every day to help solve this puzzle.

Every day, do something to fix it, until you find what works. Then stick with it.

2) Trouble is, depression doesn't want to go away, or be forced out. When you hear yourself say "Maybe I should go back and try different options", maybe you should think "Damn right I should. WTF is this "maybe" I just heard myself say?"

Are you getting the best professional help you can? Have you learned what you can about what sort of approaches exist, and which ones are most likely to work? For instance, there are a lot of options besides just the first medicine you tried. Meds and talk therapy combined work better than meds alone.

If you make solving depression a daily focus for awhile, you will likely get some traction.

And, as you gain traction, it will try to worm its way back into your life. You'll have to guard against that.

3) It's easy to underestimate the impact the abusive, aggressive and childish behavior you have endured has had on you. Walking on eggshells for years is difficult and tiring to say the least, yet you found ways to cope. Trouble is, sometimes we cope by stuffing hurt and emotions deep down, stopping the feeling of the pain. And in the process, we stop feeling ANYTHING. So, we've managed to cope, but, we've shut down every possibility of joy and living -- for awhile at least.

The pain and emotions are still in us somewhere. Sometimes, it surfaces in the form of major depression, sometimes in physical symptoms. I suppose some are lucky and don't have to ever deal with what's been stuffed down. But, many of us eventually have to reckon with the pain that's been swallowed. And, that can be scary as hell. Some find the courage to do so, some with professional help. And others consistently find ways to run away from awareness and the fear.

I can only imagine everyone's journey to freedom from past hurt is different. But, I wonder if you see that such a journey is sometimes "a thing" some of us have to do, if we want to live -- fully live -- the days ahead?

Rhetorically (if you prefer): Have you felt anger over what has happened to you? Have you grieved the loss of what you had hoped for those many years? Have you ever cried so hard you felt a cathartic release of some deeply stuffed-down emotions?

It's just speculation on my part, but if you're feelings are dull/blunted, and if you're depressed and low on energy, maybe you'd find some relief if you found a way to let some of the hurt and pain out. Maybe try journaling. Maybe try massage therapy. Find a psychologist or therapist skilled at helping address repressed emotions. Again -- try things, until you find something that works. Hard to predict ahead of time what will work for you, other than try something, try something else, and try again.

4) I can perhaps relate to the sort of limbo you are currently in. I don't see my marriage lasting two more years. Maybe not even a few more months. We have talked as seriously as ever about divorcing, and our youngest has only one more year left before HS graduation. We have been living literally and quite explicitly like roommates for several months. That has relieved certain stresses that have been suffocating me for years (for instance, letting go of "hope" and desire to fix this has been a relief). However, other/new stressors exist and seem to be growing. So, it's a weird sort of limbo. Welcomed and hated at the same time.

I've concluded, at least for me, it's hard to be healthy and live fully in this sort of limbo. I'd suggest to anyone in it to look for ways to move sooner towards filing and towards physical separation. Several years more in this sort of limbo will be damaging too.
 

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I've concluded, at least for me, it's hard to be healthy and live fully in this sort of limbo. I'd suggest to anyone in it to look for ways to move sooner towards filing and towards physical separation. Several years more in this sort of limbo will be damaging too.
I'm glad you've finally reached an important decision...
 

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Discussion Starter #44
@WandaJ,

I first want to say I'm sorry you are in this situation. Just from what little you shared in this thread, sounds like an incredibly destructive situation for you to be in for many years. I am glad you are moving towards a better future for yourself. You surely did not deserve the sort of abuse and mindfuck you have endured.



I'm not a mental health professional, and I don't presume I really know what is going on. But, fwiw, here's what comes to mind as I read your words. Apologies in advance if you feel it has nothing to do with your current experience.

1) You are underestimating depression. It is your enemy. It colors everything about your world until you work it out of you. It can be a hard problem to solve. But, solving it -- by trying things you haven't tried, or trying things again you already tried but didn't stick to -- needs to be your number one focus. Do something every day to help solve this puzzle.

Every day, do something to fix it, until you find what works. Then stick with it.

2) Trouble is, depression doesn't want to go away, or be forced out. When you hear yourself say "Maybe I should go back and try different options", maybe you should think "Damn right I should. WTF is this "maybe" I just heard myself say?"

Are you getting the best professional help you can? Have you learned what you can about what sort of approaches exist, and which ones are most likely to work? For instance, there are a lot of options besides just the first medicine you tried. Meds and talk therapy combined work better than meds alone.

If you make solving depression a daily focus for awhile, you will likely get some traction.

And, as you gain traction, it will try to worm its way back into your life. You'll have to guard against that.

3) It's easy to underestimate the impact the abusive, aggressive and childish behavior you have endured has had on you. Walking on eggshells for years is difficult and tiring to say the least, yet you found ways to cope. Trouble is, sometimes we cope by stuffing hurt and emotions deep down, stopping the feeling of the pain. And in the process, we stop feeling ANYTHING. So, we've managed to cope, but, we've shut down every possibility of joy and living -- for awhile at least.

The pain and emotions are still in us somewhere. Sometimes, it surfaces in the form of major depression, sometimes in physical symptoms. I suppose some are lucky and don't have to ever deal with what's been stuffed down. But, many of us eventually have to reckon with the pain that's been swallowed. And, that can be scary as hell. Some find the courage to do so, some with professional help. And others consistently find ways to run away from awareness and the fear.

I can only imagine everyone's journey to freedom from past hurt is different. But, I wonder if you see that such a journey is sometimes "a thing" some of us have to do, if we want to live -- fully live -- the days ahead?

Rhetorically (if you prefer): Have you felt anger over what has happened to you? Have you grieved the loss of what you had hoped for those many years? Have you ever cried so hard you felt a cathartic release of some deeply stuffed-down emotions?

It's just speculation on my part, but if you're feelings are dull/blunted, and if you're depressed and low on energy, maybe you'd find some relief if you found a way to let some of the hurt and pain out. Maybe try journaling. Maybe try massage therapy. Find a psychologist or therapist skilled at helping address repressed emotions. Again -- try things, until you find something that works. Hard to predict ahead of time what will work for you, other than try something, try something else, and try again.

4) I can perhaps relate to the sort of limbo you are currently in. I don't see my marriage lasting two more years. Maybe not even a few more months. We have talked as seriously as ever about divorcing, and our youngest has only one more year left before HS graduation. We have been living literally and quite explicitly like roommates for several months. That has relieved certain stresses that have been suffocating me for years (for instance, letting go of "hope" and desire to fix this has been a relief). However, other/new stressors exist and seem to be growing. So, it's a weird sort of limbo. Welcomed and hated at the same time.

I've concluded, at least for me, it's hard to be healthy and live fully in this sort of limbo. I'd suggest to anyone in it to look for ways to move sooner towards filing and towards physical separation. Several years more in this sort of limbo will be damaging too.
Pieceofsky - all of the above. Your post actually made me cry, and I haven't been crying in a long time. Still makes me cry.I think you hit the bull's eye - I do underestimate my depression. I drag myself to do what I have to do at work and home, but it is not on the level I used to function. Some days I have more energy and think that it will be ok, and I can beat it, but it is self-denial. Kids have to drag me for walk or bike, it used to be me leading the way for them. Anything over my daily routine feels just overwhelming.

I had really awesome - by any standard - weekend. It was my birthday. Big 50. Family and friends, out on the water, boating, kayaking, paddle boarding, evenings out on the patio. It was fun, it was all about me, weather was great, kids had fun. This was what I needed, and I was enjoying it and felt my batteries re-charging. But when we got home on Monday, I crashed. Mentally, not physically. I feel more depressed and lonely than before.

I remember you were here already around the same time I joined TAM, five-six years ago. I was trying to find your original post about your marriage but TAM search engine is screw up, brings me all the posts you wrote, instead of those that you started. But it seems that we are walking similar path, even if our marriage problems rise from different issues. Long overstaying in dysfunctional marriage, before finally admitting this is not working. Now grieving the loss.
 

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I stayed for decades in a dysfunctional marriage because .... “reasons”. And I paid a physical and mental price for that (there always is a price).

I’ve never regretted for a moment getting out but I do deeply regret those “lost” decades. However, what’s done is done. We go forward, not back.
 

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Discussion Starter #47
I challenge you with a task, if you're up to it? Over the weekend, take one photo of something in nature... could be an indoor plant, your garden, something. Even if it's on your phone-camera. And if you're really game, share on the 'At Home - Photo Thread' in Social Spot. At the very least, if you do accept this challenge, I encourage you to return and describe the one image that you captured!
Challenged completed! Weekend was busy and didn’t leave much time for picture taking but I posted a picture of a palm tree during spring shower. The light was amazing during that rain at the sunset time, but the phone camera did not really catch that too well...
 

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Challenged completed! Weekend was busy and didn’t leave much time for picture taking but I posted a picture of a palm tree during spring shower. The light was amazing during that rain at the sunset time, but the phone camera did not really catch that too well...
Well done.. and what a beautiful photo it is :)
I look forward to seeing your next contribution.

And... happy birthday to you!
 

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Missed your birthday post so happy birthday!!!

I'll be hitting the 50 next February and I'm planning a big bang!😁🤠
 
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