Talk About Marriage banner

21 - 40 of 52 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,514 Posts
Discussion Starter #21
I have been in the divorce business for a very long time. I have seen a number of people that are really snake bit about getting out there again after a prolonged marriage and some significant bumps along the way. In short, there is a life out there. As I said there is a life out there. I have had many women who have ended their marriages in their 50s and 60s. Many of those women thought that life alone would be superior to life with their mates at the time. A great many have gone on to some good relationships. I have a 60ish professional who has been my client forever. She was through the wringer with her ex. He was to be polite, garbage. We got her unhitched. She flourished as a single professional woman. Had some incredible experiences. Then, she decided life alone in her golden years, was not really attractive. We recommended an introduction service specializing in older adults. She met a senior accountant. I really like him. He is retired and he does her taxes then gives them to me to be input. It gets funny because him and I can go off to some place theoretical in accounting and leave her wondering what the devil we are talking about, especially we start talking short form, which can be a completely different language. There is a world out there for divorced people. Do not let the ones that choose to cloister themselves after a failed marriage tell you that it is all over. It aint over til it is over.
Thank you for very supportive words! I do realize that at this moment, I am definitely not ready for new relationship, and have to put things in order in my own head yet, but that time may come sometimes in the future.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
547 Posts
I'm sorry to hear you are going through this.

Yes repeated harsh words and actions can erode any love away. Once it is gone how does it come back? I mean in the beginning hope and time make you love someone. Small simple actions and I think our imagination helps us fall in love. What will next year be like, what about our 5th anniversary.... But now you've been there and experience tells you how harsh this person is so the hope is gone. Your heart doesn't have the ability to reinvest. If you have to start over might as well be with someone that still has the unknown hope.

I once read a magazine or something that talked about your love bank. Each day you have the opportunity to make a deposit or withdraw with your spouses love bank. Hopefully you will build a large positive balance it said. Because if you ever overdraw then your marriage is done.

So your husband probably doesn't understand why you can't just be in love with him anymore since now he has changed.

I hope with time as your stress levels decrease that your health will improve.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,424 Posts
In my experience, sometimes you have to fake it until you make it - in other words, forcing yourself to do things that you know are good for you is OK.

Also try new things - painting, weight training, whatever. Now is the time to explore.

Sorry it's been such a rough ride. You're in the rebuilding phase - where everything is an opportunity.
This. Establish a routine, a me-time thing that nothing gets in the way of. Particularly good if this is an exercise routine. You schedule EVERYTHING around it. It becomes your priority. Weddings, funerals, doctor's appointments, everything, because this is a FOCUS of what you are become and what you will be and very soon who you are. And you do it rain or shine, sick or feeling great. Maybe you modify it a bit if not well, since you have the auto-immune issue, but you have plans for how that will be. The schedule remains intact. It's that one thing in your life that you can count on, no matter what.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,514 Posts
Discussion Starter #24
I once read a magazine or something that talked about your love bank. Each day you have the opportunity to make a deposit or withdraw with your spouses love bank. Hopefully you will build a large positive balance it said. Because if you ever overdraw then your marriage is done.
Yes, our love bank is deep in red. No chance to climb up out of it anymore:)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,514 Posts
Discussion Starter #25
This. Establish a routine, a me-time thing that nothing gets in the way of. Particularly good if this is an exercise routine. You schedule EVERYTHING around it. It becomes your priority. Weddings, funerals, doctor's appointments, everything, because this is a FOCUS of what you are become and what you will be and very soon who you are. And you do it rain or shine, sick or feeling great. Maybe you modify it a bit if not well, since you have the auto-immune issue, but you have plans for how that will be. The schedule remains intact. It's that one thing in your life that you can count on, no matter what.
That's pretty good advise. Instead of waiting for something big happening, create your own reality day by day, step by step. I think I need to move my brain towards this kind of thinking. slow down, stop rushing.

After I wrote my post here, I had a long interesting talk with friend of mine on that subject. She mentioned Sam Harris podcast #200, where he and his guess discuss habits, how your everyday habit determined what you achieve (plus luck/randomness and strategy). That instead of focusing on your goal, you should focus on developing everyday small habits that will take you there. and keep those habits up. Good habits vs bad habits. it is interesting podcast.:

 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,514 Posts
Discussion Starter #26
Thank you everybody for your input here. For the support and for the advise. I think it really made a difference in my thinking. I have re-read all the post few times, and started putting it all together in my mind to create some kind of strategy going forward.

I was used to the fact, that whenever they were big changes in my life, it had always started with some bang. And I have been waiting for that "bang", some kind of trigger to wake me up now. And .... nothing. So now I am coming to realization, that maybe there are other ways to move forward, with no magic, but small, boring steps every day. Maybe that's actually better way, more sustainable, more reliable?

Poster aine said that this is
a time of resting, a time of reflection, a time of refreshing.
I am going to accept it as such. Slow down, try to be more patient with myself, but also trying to introduce small changes, and keep working on building good habits. I know I will have to push myself at the beginning to even do these small changes, but I think now I am ready for that step.

I was never into wellness and medication. Auto-immune disorder has changed my mind about wellness. I was always too impatient about meditation. Now, I have found 50-course meditation training course by Sam Harris, that seems to be working for me. ten minutes a day. Step by step.

Thank you again. I will keep you posted on any more significant changes. And more words of wisdom and support always welcome!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,097 Posts
I will keep you posted on any more significant changes. And more words of wisdom and support always welcome!
Well, I can provide words intended as support... whether they're wise, is up to you :)

My suggestion towards reigniting the 'mojo' is volunteering. Something that is workable and realistic for you. I'm going to focus on what you could gain. And that is, a focus that is outside of yourself can be healthy; working with others towards aligned goals and outcomes is rewarding; opportunity for camaraderie; and increased confidence, connection, and purpose.

As for interests, in the past you have been active - I don't know if creativity interests you? Something that resets me, is flower arranging (or music). Tactile and meditative... it nourishes me. Previously, I've made bouquets for friends as gifts, and a couple of weddings. Thinking on what another may like, then seeing something come together, becomes enjoyable for me. And bonus, the recipient enjoys it too. To me, the 'mojo' in this process is through engaging the senses, sparking creativity, and in a way, also recognizing the impermanence of the whole thing.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,097 Posts
P.S: ...and because you've been going through a lot, here's a virtual arrangement for you.
I felt this might complement your avatar, so I hope you like... roses (elegance) with bursts of green (camouflage).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,097 Posts
I suggest you think about your decision to divorce and it’s profound and irreversible effects it will have on your entire family, friends, and community.
Exactly...! Consider the profound affects of not being called names, not walking on eggshells, not dealing with an aggressive personality. And in contrast, opening up your emotions again, re-establishing your sense of identity, and enlivening your soul. For those who truly care about you: friends, family, community; imagine the potential of those relationships blossoming further as you pave the way for a calmer and more congruent life.

Wanda, from my view, your deal is human. And I support that you're thinking about what you need. While you are asking how to get the excitement back for yourself instead of feeling flat, well, for what it's worth - even though you're not feeling it yet - I'm excited (at the potential) for you.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
9,608 Posts
Well MMH that post was rude and out of line for what OP has dealt with!

Wanda are you seeing any kind of specialist for your immune disorder? You said you weren’t familiar with biologics, so I’m thinking maybe not? Getting the right professional in your corner is vital to finding a therapy that can really help you. Probably a dermatologist in your case... maybe an immunologist. If the less aggressive treatments don’t help, there is a laundry list of biologics out there that could potentially be beneficial for you. They do have risks but that’s why you get a specialist, to help find the safest treatment.

I agree with the others that as your stress decreases in your life that it’s very likely your physical issues will start improving. It’s scary how the body responds to our environment and emotions. I am very glad you are on your way to peace.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,061 Posts
I agree. My overall health improved after my divorce and that wasn’t something I had even considered a possibility.

I didn’t realize just how much stress I was under until I was free of my very dysfunctional marriage.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
19,142 Posts
I’m not sure what your deal is... I’m sorry you have health issues, but everyone over 50 inevitably has something. We do not live forever. Personally, the grass isn’t greener on the other side. I believe if you’re in a physically or mentally abusive relationship, your spouse has an addiction to alcohol or drugs, or if your spouse is unfaithful-those are reasons to leave. In your narrative, it’s all about you. I suggest you think about your decision to divorce and it’s profound and irreversible effects it will have on your entire family, friends, and community.
Good luck.
Uh, what?

Maybe go back and read her threads?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,514 Posts
Discussion Starter #33
Well, I can provide words intended as support... whether they're wise, is up to you :)

My suggestion towards reigniting the 'mojo' is volunteering. Something that is workable and realistic for you. I'm going to focus on what you could gain. And that is, a focus that is outside of yourself can be healthy; working with others towards aligned goals and outcomes is rewarding; opportunity for camaraderie; and increased confidence, connection, and purpose.

As for interests, in the past you have been active - I don't know if creativity interests you? Something that resets me, is flower arranging (or music). Tactile and meditative... it nourishes me. Previously, I've made bouquets for friends as gifts, and a couple of weddings. Thinking on what another may like, then seeing something come together, becomes enjoyable for me. And bonus, the recipient enjoys it too. To me, the 'mojo' in this process is through engaging the senses, sparking creativity, and in a way, also recognizing the impermanence of the whole thing.
Volunteering would be something to consider in the future. Right now I really can not find enough time between work and kids. But I think I would enjoy it.
In terms of interests, I used to enjoy photography. close ups of nature. That would be something that I would like to focus more one day. And go back to reading more, and spending more time in the nature. More walks on the beach....

thank you for beautiful bouquet!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,514 Posts
Discussion Starter #34
I’m not sure what your deal is... I’m sorry you have health issues, but everyone over 50 inevitably has something. We do not live forever. Personally, the grass isn’t greener on the other side. I believe if you’re in a physically or mentally abusive relationship, your spouse has an addiction to alcohol or drugs, or if your spouse is unfaithful-those are reasons to leave. In your narrative, it’s all about you. I suggest you think about your decision to divorce and it’s profound and irreversible effects it will have on your entire family, friends, and community.
Good luck.
yes, my narrative is all about me. that was the whole point of my post - how to find me.

I have spend five or six years trying to save the marriage, mostly because of the kids. So, yes, I can say I though long and hard about it and did everything that there was there to do. We went through counceling, period of better days, but in the end this will not work. I do not want to discuss saving my marriage anymore - I am past that. Kids are older now and see what's going on.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,514 Posts
Discussion Starter #35
Exactly...! Consider the profound affects of not being called names, not walking on eggshells, not dealing with an aggressive personality. And in contrast, opening up your emotions again, re-establishing your sense of identity, and enlivening your soul. For those who truly care about you: friends, family, community; imagine the potential of those relationships blossoming further as you pave the way for a calmer and more congruent life.

Wanda, from my view, your deal is human. And I support that you're thinking about what you need. While you are asking how to get the excitement back for yourself instead of feeling flat, well, for what it's worth - even though you're not feeling it yet - I'm excited (at the potential) for you.
Some peope dream of Hawaii. I dream of that freedom of emotions that you have described.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,514 Posts
Discussion Starter #36
Well MMH that post was rude and out of line for what OP has dealt with!

Wanda are you seeing any kind of specialist for your immune disorder? You said you weren’t familiar with biologics, so I’m thinking maybe not? Getting the right professional in your corner is vital to finding a therapy that can really help you. Probably a dermatologist in your case... maybe an immunologist. If the less aggressive treatments don’t help, there is a laundry list of biologics out there that could potentially be beneficial for you. They do have risks but that’s why you get a specialist, to help find the safest treatment.

I agree with the others that as your stress decreases in your life that it’s very likely your physical issues will start improving. It’s scary how the body responds to our environment and emotions. I am very glad you are on your way to peace.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Yes, I have a dermatologist, but there is really no effective treatment. Ointmaints, UVB lamps, stereoids - they all work a little as long as you are doing them, once you stop everything goes back to "normal".I tried them all. diet and healthy lifestyle do nothing. Frankly, there is even doubt if this is autoimmune at all. Nobody really knows. and I really do not want to go on immune system suppresants, as they have a lot of potential side effects. I gave up on warying sleeveless shirts (and it is really hard to do in Florida......:) and just keep going on with my life. I follow research in that area a little, they have new ideas in which direction to go, but it is long way before the new treatments would be available.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,097 Posts
Volunteering would be something to consider in the future. Right now I really can not find enough time between work and kids. But I think I would enjoy it.
In terms of interests, I used to enjoy photography. close ups of nature. That would be something that I would like to focus more one day. And go back to reading more, and spending more time in the nature. More walks on the beach....

thank you for beautiful bouquet!!
I challenge you with a task, if you're up to it? Over the weekend, take one photo of something in nature... could be an indoor plant, your garden, something. Even if it's on your phone-camera. And if you're really game, share on the 'At Home - Photo Thread' in Social Spot. At the very least, if you do accept this challenge, I encourage you to return and describe the one image that you captured!
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
5,374 Posts
@WandaJ,

Obviously I can't tell you how to get your mojo back cuz that's sort of something you've got to do, but may I tell you something that I hope is encouraging?

I have rhuematoid arthritis--diagnosed at about 16yo... so I've had it for quite a while. Now for those who don't kow, RA is not "arthritis" where your joints wear out, but rather it is also an auto-immune disease, and (lucky me!) my immune system attacks my joints! LOL So the linings of my joints get attacked, they get inflammed and ache. I also ended up getting Sjogren's syndrome which is "dry eyes and mouth" :p

Anyways, I relate all this because I found that when I was in my first marriage, it was HIGHLY stressful...going from abuse to cheating to divorcing...and while I was still there "in the house" I was sick as a dog and hurt a lot most of the time. Yes, eliminating sugar and white flour and processed foods helped enough to notice, but it was the stress that undid me. Once we were actually apart, and I lived in my own townhome with the kids, I remember a couple things happening:

1) Life was quiet. There were no more fights, no one calling me names, no one blaming me for everything...and I remember distinctly thinking, "Huh. This is what peace feels like." I was used to ongoing, escalating drama, and peace was quiet.

2) Not too long after that I had a gigantic physical crash. That's because for literally YEARS I had been existing on adrenalin and suddenly there was none. It was the rough equivalent of quitting cold turkey! So my body had to adjust to no adrenalin rush--and for about two or three months I literally felt mentally, emotionally, and physically just EXHAUSTED. I decided I had been through the ringer and I deserved the rest, so I just rested when I needed.

3) After the couple months, I began to come back. It still felt quiet, but it was like a joyous quiet. I got to enjoy what * I * enjoyed and not have to worry whether I'd piss someone off! I got to eat what I wanted for dinner "just cuz I wanted to!" I could live my life by my values. And gradually I thought of things that I was interested in...that I had always wanted to try or wondered about but was teased for my curiosity. That's when my mojo began to return...and it's also when my RA began to feel a lot better! I still had stress (like being a single mom) but I could deal with my own issues without that stress that harmed me, ya know?

My RA now is in about 90% remission, and I say it like that because my joints are not misshapen and I don't take a lot of pain meds. I take meds every day that kind of "hold it off" and as long as I don't over do, I do pretty darn good! I walk--running is too jarring for me. I lost a lot of weight. I eat single-ingredient foods. And that I can tell, the worst of it is that I can predict the weather with uncanny accuracy! LOL

My point here is to encourage you. Once you get out on your own, I suspect a lot of the stress that is exaccerbating your condition now will reduce. Likewise I suspect you will have that physical, mental and emotional crash and need to just be gentle with yourself for several months. And with rest and sustained "less stress" I bet your mojo will return!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,514 Posts
Discussion Starter #39
I challenge you with a task, if you're up to it? Over the weekend, take one photo of something in nature... could be an indoor plant, your garden, something. Even if it's on your phone-camera. And if you're really game, share on the 'At Home - Photo Thread' in Social Spot. At the very least, if you do accept this challenge, I encourage you to return and describe the one image that you captured!
Challenge accepted!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,514 Posts
Discussion Starter #40
@WandaJ,

Obviously I can't tell you how to get your mojo back cuz that's sort of something you've got to do, but may I tell you something that I hope is encouraging?

I have rhuematoid arthritis--diagnosed at about 16yo... so I've had it for quite a while. Now for those who don't kow, RA is not "arthritis" where your joints wear out, but rather it is also an auto-immune disease, and (lucky me!) my immune system attacks my joints! LOL So the linings of my joints get attacked, they get inflammed and ache. I also ended up getting Sjogren's syndrome which is "dry eyes and mouth" :p

Anyways, I relate all this because I found that when I was in my first marriage, it was HIGHLY stressful...going from abuse to cheating to divorcing...and while I was still there "in the house" I was sick as a dog and hurt a lot most of the time. Yes, eliminating sugar and white flour and processed foods helped enough to notice, but it was the stress that undid me. Once we were actually apart, and I lived in my own townhome with the kids, I remember a couple things happening:

1) Life was quiet. There were no more fights, no one calling me names, no one blaming me for everything...and I remember distinctly thinking, "Huh. This is what peace feels like." I was used to ongoing, escalating drama, and peace was quiet.

2) Not too long after that I had a gigantic physical crash. That's because for literally YEARS I had been existing on adrenalin and suddenly there was none. It was the rough equivalent of quitting cold turkey! So my body had to adjust to no adrenalin rush--and for about two or three months I literally felt mentally, emotionally, and physically just EXHAUSTED. I decided I had been through the ringer and I deserved the rest, so I just rested when I needed.

3) After the couple months, I began to come back. It still felt quiet, but it was like a joyous quiet. I got to enjoy what * I * enjoyed and not have to worry whether I'd piss someone off! I got to eat what I wanted for dinner "just cuz I wanted to!" I could live my life by my values. And gradually I thought of things that I was interested in...that I had always wanted to try or wondered about but was teased for my curiosity. That's when my mojo began to return...and it's also when my RA began to feel a lot better! I still had stress (like being a single mom) but I could deal with my own issues without that stress that harmed me, ya know?

My RA now is in about 90% remission, and I say it like that because my joints are not misshapen and I don't take a lot of pain meds. I take meds every day that kind of "hold it off" and as long as I don't over do, I do pretty darn good! I walk--running is too jarring for me. I lost a lot of weight. I eat single-ingredient foods. And that I can tell, the worst of it is that I can predict the weather with uncanny accuracy! LOL

My point here is to encourage you. Once you get out on your own, I suspect a lot of the stress that is exaccerbating your condition now will reduce. Likewise I suspect you will have that physical, mental and emotional crash and need to just be gentle with yourself for several months. And with rest and sustained "less stress" I bet your mojo will return!
First, I am so sorry about what you went through and your RA. That’s a tough one. I am glad that you are in much better place now.

I think getting these two autoimmune disorders was my adrenaline crush. The came out of the blue after the worst years of my life. He was at his worst. We yelled and fought a lot, I cried and scream in my car when alone. Then next couple years we worked on us and things seemed to be finally going better, we had good time, he got his **** together. I started relaxing finally. And that’s when my body crushed. For six months I felt like I had chronic flu, with chronic muscle pain, fatigue etc. Finally I quit gluten and started feeling better after five days. Could not believe it.
I think you right that things will get better once I am really on my own. Not sure how soon this will happen though. I can only imagine How great this willl feel. As you said - the peace, the calm, the whole beauty of it it sounds like happiness already.
Thank you again for sharing your story. It does give me hope.
 
21 - 40 of 52 Posts
Top