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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
How do you get your “mojo” back?

Married 23 years, two kids 12 and 15. Hitting 50 this year. We have finally decided that we will divorce. Not right now. We have business together, and want to continue working on it, and hopefully be able to split it going forward into two smaller branches, that would give each of us decent income. We do not want to waste money on lawyers, and trying to put the other one in poverty. Living like roommates now.

Well, it wasn’t always as civilized as it sounds now. I asked for divorce maybe five years ago, could not handle my husband’s too strong, too aggressive personality anymore. Did not want to be called names anymore, and live anticipating his moods. It lasted that long, because there were good times, and he is not bad man. He is great father, good provider, reliable guy. He always had a crazy side to him. He is one of these people that fill the room with his personality. When he enters the room and is in great mood, everybody will fly high up with him. When he enters the room in bad mood, he will bark, pout, yell. So gradually, you becoming that woman, who searches constantly for clues when the bad mood is coming, and tries to avoid it. Not contradicting too much, never sure, what can cause an outburst. You start walking on eggshells. You slowly shut down your emotions. Your soul starts shrinking in the process.
To keep story short – we tried, did MC – very brutal and exhausting (his initiative), he started anti-depressant, things were better for a while for a year or two, but then started slowly to slip again. Not as bad as before – these times of tantrums and calling me names are gone at least. Whatever was happening, it was too late for us.

In the middle of all these struggles, I was diagnosed with two auto-immune disorders, which turned my word upside down. Weight gain, low energy, lack of enthusiasm for anything. I was exercising several times a week before, now too much exercise will bring me disease flare up and I will spend next few days like old lady in my lazy chair. Very disappointed with my own body, and still in denial.

So, how do I find myself again? I spent almost twenty years slowly shutting down. How do I go back to what I used to be? With all the stress, autoimmune problems of last few years, I had lost the will to do anything extra and energy. Nothing fascinates me anymore. My whole life I loved hiking and reading and riding my bike. Now I have to make myself to do these things. Going on vacation seems like too much trouble. I just do whatever I have to, and want to get on my chair in the evening. I hear my friends planning to do this, or that, so enthusiastic about the new things they are trying, and I am in my head “how do you have the energy for all that”? I have decided to start looking for a good counselor and start IC.

I jest feel very flat. How to get that excitement back? How to enjoy life again?
 

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I wish I had some good advice, the health stuff particularly is a bad turn. I hope IC will help, dealing w/ health setbacks is a problem they get a lot. Maybe your doctor can recommend one familiar w/ your autoimmune disorder or a similar one.
 

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I'm so sorry for the emotional damage you have received and the physical health issues you are going through.

I can't emphasize enough how important physical health is and it is related to mental/emotional health as well.

I would advise looking into as much research about your condition and possibly finding ways to become healthier.

There are some interesting results out there and I'm not talking about programs or other health plans you have to buy.

Mrs. Conan and I are into as much natural health as possible and we have pretty good results.

I'm 49 with a pretty good physique and very few health problems that are pretty minor. Most of the rest of my family has a slew of health issues as they age that we have as hereditary but I have avoided most of them besides some minor arthritis.
 

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What if your health troubles have made you feel like you're no longer the person you once were and you are projecting this midlife crisis onto your stormy but otherwise happy marriage as a scapegoat? What if you are blaming him indirectly when actually all that he wants is to love you but he is just a man with strong feelings? Leaving after these twenty some years will not take away the health issues you're facing. If it is like what I said, it'd be a terrible tragedy for you to walk away from a man that truly loves you and that you truly love to chase after a youth that is gone and will never come back. Maybe what I've said is not at all your situation. Maybe I am one hundred percent off base. But if there's even some truth to this, I hope you and him reconsider.
 

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In my experience, sometimes you have to fake it until you make it - in other words, forcing yourself to do things that you know are good for you is OK.

Also try new things - painting, weight training, whatever. Now is the time to explore.

Sorry it's been such a rough ride. You're in the rebuilding phase - where everything is an opportunity.
 

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When you do split from him, you will go through a transition becoming your real self. Over all the years of marriage you adjusted and changed in order to accommodate your husband and your complex life. When you become single and living apart from him, you will go back to your own self.

Obviously at 50 you are no longer 20, so there will be a new normal for you that is not as active as when you were younger. Do what you can to simplify, too. Get rid of stuff as much as you can!

I, too, have an autoimmune issue which causes challenges. It is what it is, and you just have to deal with it. Emotional distress can play into your energy levels and your overall health, so you will probably find an improvement whenever you can get out of the house into your own place.

Try to not be too practical regarding the business and divorce timing. There is never a perfect time. Getting on with life is as high a priority as the $$.
 

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@WandaJ I'm so sorry you're dealing with health issues but I'm happy that you've finally decided to divorce your husband. I've kept up with your story through the years and know you've left it all on the field. It may take a little bit but I think you'll find happiness on the other side.

With regards to the autoimmune issues, have you discuss gene therapy or Biologics (rheumatoid arthritis) with your Doctor?
 

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Discussion Starter #8
I would advise looking into as much research about your condition and possibly finding ways to become healthier.

There are some interesting results out there and I'm not talking about programs or other health plans you have to buy.
Thanks ConanHub. When I was diagnosed I jumped on this right away so I know pretty much what there is to do. And i was doing it for a year and half. I was off gluten and felt much better, then kind of fell of the wagon, and can not get back on it. I was doing more than being gluten free, I was for a while on special auto-immune diet (no glute, no dairy, no corn, no legumes, ect) which is supposed to be termporary. However, it did not bring the results I was looking for in my second AI disorder. I was feeling great, yes. But one of my conditions is skin condition, very visible, and all that efford did nothing to help with it. And that's when I gave up all the trying, and now can not get back to start again. It is like "why bother?" mindset that I can not overcome at the moment.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
What if your health troubles have made you feel like you're no longer the person you once were and you are projecting this midlife crisis onto your stormy but otherwise happy marriage as a scapegoat? What if you are blaming him indirectly when actually all that he wants is to love you but he is just a man with strong feelings? Leaving after these twenty some years will not take away the health issues you're facing. If it is like what I said, it'd be a terrible tragedy for you to walk away from a man that truly loves you and that you truly love to chase after a youth that is gone and will never come back. Maybe what I've said is not at all your situation. Maybe I am one hundred percent off base. But if there's even some truth to this, I hope you and him reconsider.
These are all valid points. However, my health problems came after our marriage went through vey hellish period. It was very high stress period of time in my life, and there are theories that high stress can trigger you autoimmune disorder if you have a gene for it.
I am sure he loved me.I loved him. But that love have been slowly killed with every anger osutburst, every demand, every time he called me names, every time he deflected when I wanted to talk about our issue. Then he apologize of course, and was very sorry. But the trust I had in him, in him not hurting me was eroded. Love is not enough. Your action have to show the love too. There were many beautiful moments, and happiness, but with that scanner in the back of my head looking for trouble all the time.
My friend lately reminded him, what I told her twenety six years ago, when we started dating" I have met my soul mate, but he is impossible to be with".
He has changed now, a lot. It is too late for us however.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
In my experience, sometimes you have to fake it until you make it - in other words, forcing yourself to do things that you know are good for you is OK.

Also try new things - painting, weight training, whatever. Now is the time to explore.

Sorry it's been such a rough ride. You're in the rebuilding phase - where everything is an opportunity.
That's what I hope to achieve at one point - see everything as an new opportunity. Right now trying new things just seems as such a huge effort. It is exactly what he doing, and he looks happiest he was in the long time. I can not get to that point, for some reason.
 

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When you do split from him, you will go through a transition becoming your real self. Over all the years of marriage you adjusted and changed in order to accommodate your husband and your complex life. When you become single and living apart from him, you will go back to your own self.

Obviously at 50 you are no longer 20, so there will be a new normal for you that is not as active as when you were younger. Do what you can to simplify, too. Get rid of stuff as much as you can!

I, too, have an autoimmune issue which causes challenges. It is what it is, and you just have to deal with it. Emotional distress can play into your energy levels and your overall health, so you will probably find an improvement whenever you can get out of the house into your own place.

Try to not be too practical regarding the business and divorce timing. There is never a perfect time. Getting on with life is as high a priority as the $$.
Thank you Thor. Maybe you are right, maybe still living here together, the same house, the same work, still not telling anyone that we are splitting, put me in some kind of emotional limbo.
I even tried anti-depressant in the fall, it worked great - I felt like myself again. But it increased my blood pressure and I had to quit it. maybe I should go back and try different options.
 

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That's what I hope to achieve at one point - see everything as an new opportunity. Right now trying new things just seems as such a huge effort. It is exactly what he doing, and he looks happiest he was in the long time. I can not get to that point, for some reason.
I think it will help when you two aren't living together for sure.

When I divorced (much younger) it got better when first I got angry, then when I started to do stuff based on my reality, and finally when I realized I could now have my life exactly the way I wanted it.

I started to do silly things, like play video games, listen to music too loud, draw, write, watch movies I wanted, etc. Even decorated my place the way I wanted. Suddenly... my life felt a whole lot richer, and more like me.

Would any of that help? How would your life be if it were exactly the way you wanted it?
 

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@WandaJ, the body is an amazing thing. You have dealt with so much and especially your STBXH's emotional abuse, living on tenterhooks, waiting for the next implosion. That does something to your brain chemistry, the flight or fight hormone and your brain/body becomes poisoned. You were wired for love and the actions of your H didn't show you that. Now the decision has been made to divorce, the weight is coming off and your body seems to be giving up because it has held the fort for so long. You will need a time of resting, a time of reflection, a time of refreshing. Your mind and body are one. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Get IC for youself, read, listen to you tube videos. Your thought life is important, you need to rewire your brain to enjoy life.

A friend once told me about the work of Caroline Leaf, I have not checked it out but it might be worth it about rewiring your brain, your thought life.
 

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But one of my conditions is skin condition, very visible, and all that efford did nothing to help with it. And that's when I gave up all the trying, and now can not get back to start again. It is like "why bother?" mindset that I can not overcome at the moment.
I have a auto-immune (apparently - nobody really knows) skin condition too, which appeared from nowhere last September when I was trying to decide what to do about my marriage... I understand what you are going through. Nothing works and I feel like I will never be able to date again even if we divorce. I'm 56, so time might be running out... I have no advice, everything is so depressing... I feel like I'm totally screwed.
 

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I have a auto-immune (apparently - nobody really knows) skin condition too, which appeared from nowhere last September when I was trying to decide what to do about my marriage... I understand what you are going through. Nothing works and I feel like I will never be able to date again even if we divorce. I'm 56, so time might be running out... I have no advice, everything is so depressing... I feel like I'm totally screwed.
@WandaJ I'm so sorry you're dealing with health issues but I'm happy that you've finally decided to divorce your husband. I've kept up with your story through the years and know you've left it all on the field. It may take a little bit but I think you'll find happiness on the other side.

With regards to the autoimmune issues, have you discuss gene therapy or Biologics (rheumatoid arthritis) with your Doctor?
You remember my story? It's been few years

No, I am not familiar with gene therapy or Biologics. I spent good money on all kind of testings, supplements, but eventually gave up and stopped going to most of the doctors, as I did not see anything helping with my skin. and because I stopped all that, my other disorder got worse, and all my energy just left me.
Now I have started again with my vitamins and supplements (of things I am chronically low on, as most of the people with AI), and can feel slightly better, but it will take few more weeks before I can really feel the difference. Hopefully....
 

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Would any of that help? How would your life be if it were exactly the way you wanted it?
This is very good question, that I will have to figure out. Right now I do not know. Less overwhelming that's for sure, more simple. I am low maintance. That's probably one of the main things I should work on it - how to get my future to be what I want it to be.
 

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I have a auto-immune (apparently - nobody really knows) skin condition too, which appeared from nowhere last September when I was trying to decide what to do about my marriage... I understand what you are going through. Nothing works and I feel like I will never be able to date again even if we divorce. I'm 56, so time might be running out... I have no advice, everything is so depressing... I feel like I'm totally screwed.
I'm so sorry. That's the problem with it- nobody really knows what causes it, most likely autoimmune. Depressing.
You know, I never really believed all that talk that high stress can cause you physical issues, I always thought this is what they say when they do not know what causes. But the more I read about it, the more people I meet with similar problems, for whom high stress comes up often as something that happened before onset of the disorder.
The truth is the stress of those years when we were fighting was very high, and very physical, I was in constant high anxiety state. No wonder, there might be consequences.
 

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@WandaJ, the body is an amazing thing. You have dealt with so much and especially your STBXH's emotional abuse, living on tenterhooks, waiting for the next implosion. That does something to your brain chemistry, the flight or fight hormone and your brain/body becomes poisoned. You were wired for love and the actions of your H didn't show you that. Now the decision has been made to divorce, the weight is coming off and your body seems to be giving up because it has held the fort for so long. You will need a time of resting, a time of reflection, a time of refreshing. Your mind and body are one. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Get IC for youself, read, listen to you tube videos. Your thought life is important, you need to rewire your brain to enjoy life.

A friend once told me about the work of Caroline Leaf, I have not checked it out but it might be worth it about rewiring your brain, your thought life.
Thank you aine. It really does make sense what you are saying here. 20+years of conditioning will take time and work to re-wire . I will check out Caroline Leaf.
 

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This is very good question, that I will have to figure out. Right now I do not know. Less overwhelming that's for sure, more simple. I am low maintance. That's probably one of the main things I should work on it - how to get my future to be what I want it to be.
There's some really good books and podcasts on simplifying your life - maybe load them up and start getting into a different headspace?
 

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I have been in the divorce business for a very long time. I have seen a number of people that are really snake bit about getting out there again after a prolonged marriage and some significant bumps along the way. In short, there is a life out there. As I said there is a life out there. I have had many women who have ended their marriages in their 50s and 60s. Many of those women thought that life alone would be superior to life with their mates at the time. A great many have gone on to some good relationships. I have a 60ish professional who has been my client forever. She was through the wringer with her ex. He was to be polite, garbage. We got her unhitched. She flourished as a single professional woman. Had some incredible experiences. Then, she decided life alone in her golden years, was not really attractive. We recommended an introduction service specializing in older adults. She met a senior accountant. I really like him. He is retired and he does her taxes then gives them to me to be input. It gets funny because him and I can go off to some place theoretical in accounting and leave her wondering what the devil we are talking about, especially we start talking short form, which can be a completely different language. There is a world out there for divorced people. Do not let the ones that choose to cloister themselves after a failed marriage tell you that it is all over. It aint over til it is over.
 
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