Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 87 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
5 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
My wife is not much into giving oral. I give it to her although it's not her favorite to receive. She has tried it twice on me but is very timid about it and doesn't want to keep it up for long. She has such a light touch I can barely feel anything. My sex therapist recommended a book for women called "Blow Him Away." I got it but so far she has not read it. She is not against it per se but just not into it.

She is pretty traditional when it comes to sex. It took me a long time to get her to try reverse cowgirl. I like to throw in some positions/acts that are more visual for me. Not all the time just some of the time.

Any ideas on getting her more interested?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,105 Posts
Ultimately, you can't (or shouldn't) make someone do anything they don't want to do. She ultimately has to either want to do it for herself or want to do it for herself because she wante to really please you by doing things she knows you like. This will involve trust and likely learning on her part.

A traditional approach of training any creature to do new things is called conditioning and breaking things into small tasks that they can manage. It is usually more effective if coupled with positive reinforcement.

My advice to you is to give your W unconditional love. For each little bit she tries praise her from the depth of your heart. Praise her when she reads the book the therapist suggested. Praise her when she gets comfortable touching and holding your P. Praise her when she will rub it against her cheeck, etc. Make her feel loved and her efforts are appreciated and she just may go all the way. Talk to her and tell her how crazy in love you are with her.

Good luck.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,053 Posts
My wife tried it once a long time ago and never wanted to try it again. I think women generally don't like it and may do it as a favor for their men. And non-Caucasian women probably hate it even more and think it is "disgusting".
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,454 Posts
My wife tried it once a long time ago and never wanted to try it again. I think women generally don't like it and may do it as a favor for their men. And non-Caucasian women probably hate it even more and think it is "disgusting".
Agree, they think it's "ickky"
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
217 Posts
I know many women who don't enjoy giving oral particularly when they were virgins and are not familiar with P in general. There are a few things you can do about it and see if she warms up to it. It is possible she won't push herself to get used to it for your benefit and you may need to accept it because being pushy about it will kill your sex-life completely. Make sure you are always freshly washed and smelling decent and then give her a lot of attention to warm her up properly before asking. Massage/caress her arms, legs, back, and feet and stroke her hair. Anything she enjoys more, do that more. If you relax her for 15-30 minutes then you can ask her to lay her head on your stomach and hold your P, then kiss, then oral. Don't push her about it and don't ask every single time until she is more comfortable giving you oral. When she does give you oral, be more obvious about how good it feels to you so that she could really see how that is a way for her to make YOU feel really good. Breathe deeper or be more vocal, anything to let her hear and see the effect she is having on you. Keep stroking her hair if she likes that while she is doing it and praise her that she is really good at it (even if she isn't). If she isn't experienced giving oral then you need to simply have patience. She can become more comfortable and better at it with time. She needs to become more familiar with your P, by you relaxing her properly first and encouraging her to do it for any amount of time she wants. Also, its best to not make her swallow. Whenever she does more than normal or even full oral make sure to give her big hugs afterwards and over praise her for doing it, how amazing it was, etc. By making her experiences giving you oral more pleasant (warming her up, being clean, not forcing her to do more or swallow, not always asking for oral as a predictable part of having sex, being more vocal about how good she is at it and how great it makes you feel) she will start to associate oral sex as a rewarding part of intimacy with you. You may find after time and patience that she wants to give you oral how and as much as you want.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
861 Posts
I think it's rare to find a women who enjoys giving oral sex, they do it to make their man happy and he does it to her so she wants to return the favor. Have you tried suggesting 69 to her? She may not mind giving oral when she is getting it at the same time. It gives her something to think about besides giving him oral.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,482 Posts
How long have you two been married?
Why are you seeing a sex therapist?
Why are you seeing a sex therapist without your wife?
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
7,482 Posts
Thanks, Personal. That answers a lot.

I think you need to stop masturbating and learn to enjoy sex with your wife, even if it means you are frustrated for months on end. You preferring masturbation over your wife is unhealthy. You probably don't feel anything, because you've been man handling yourself and are not used to the gentle touch of a woman. Why would she want to try when you show so little interest or response to her? Of course she's not interested in giving you oral. The pleasure in that for a woman is in seeing her man in ecstasy over what she is doing for him. If she gets no response, she's not going to enjoy it and will think it's pointless and upsetting.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,252 Posts
There's a lot of gender stereotypes in this thread!

It has nothing to do with being a woman.

What is DOES have to do with is being uninterested in providing pleasure for your partner (male OR female). Trust me when I say this - there are an equal number of men who are not interested in giving oral sex to their partners, especially as a standalone thing.

There really are two types of people when it comes to sex - those who get something from providing their partners with pleasure, and those who do not.

A huge part of sexual pleasure for me, is ensuring my partner is taken care of. Otherwise, I feel like I'm using her for my pleasure, and this is a huge turn off for me.

On the flip side, some people are fully capable of this. Sex is more about them, then it is about their partner, or the combination of the two. Ideally, you want a good balance, but it's unlikely you'll ever change somebody's view on this.

I know I will never, ever, receive oral sex from my wife unless it's part of foreplay. It's fruitless to stress over it and try to change her attitude, it just won't happen. She doesn't think it's gross, or even particularly difficult. When it's part of foreplay, she'll often do it for 4 or 5 minutes at a time. And she's good at it. And she gets into it.

But there's a return for her efforts. Whereas if it's on the couch, with no return for her, she absolutely will not do it. She feels used or something. That's her right. But there are people like me out there (of either gender) who have no problem giving with nothing in return. If my wife wanted me to give her oral sex, with nothing in return, I'd jump at it.

The act of sexually giving is pleasurable to some, boring to others, and degrading to a few. All depends on the general personality type. Good luck changing it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,909 Posts
Any ideas on getting her more interested?
I have a friend in his second marriage that his wife does not like to give BJ's. He once bragged to me that if he took her shopping at outlet stores and got her a new brand name handbag/purse that she would pretty much do anything. Then he got too lazy to go shopping with her, and bragged that he would ask her to give him a BJ for $100 and she would do it.

Now I sat there and listened to this in complete disbelief among stories of him also complaining about having to go to court over alimony for his first wife, but nonetheless what I said above is indeed a true story. It might work, but I would not recommend resorting to paying your wife for sex unless you are a twisted political activist trying to advocate for better benefits for individuals in the sex worker industry or something of that nature.

Cheers,
Badsanta
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
306 Posts
I have a friend in his second marriage that his wife does not like to give BJ's. He once bragged to me that if he took her shopping at outlet stores and got her a new brand name handbag/purse that she would pretty much do anything. Then he got too lazy to go shopping with her, and bragged that he would ask her to give him a BJ for $100 and she would do it.

Now I sat there and listened to this in complete disbelief among stories of him also complaining about having to go to court over alimony for his first wife, but nonetheless what I said above is indeed a true story. It might work, but I would not recommend resorting to paying your wife for sex unless you are a twisted political activist trying to advocate for better benefits for individuals in the sex worker industry or something of that nature.

Cheers,
Badsanta
You're so funny!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,146 Posts
My wife tried it once a long time ago and never wanted to try it again. I think women generally don't like it and may do it as a favor for their men. And non-Caucasian women probably hate it even more and think it is "disgusting".
Oh for heaven's sake. "Women" are not all the same. We are not all cut from the same cookie cutter. MANY of us love our husbands, are GGG. Just because your wife is not into you does not mean that "women" aren't into their husbands.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,928 Posts
Good evening
I think a lot of people have difficulty getting into the mindset that sex is lots of fun things you can do for each other. Its a mix of things that are mutual and things that are done for the fun of seeing your partner's pleasure.

Oral sex can be a particular problem. For most people performing oral isn't directly physically pleasurable, but your partners response can make it wonderful. It just needs to be mutual - sometimes you do it for them, sometimes they do it for you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
91 Posts
It has nothing to do with being a woman.
Trust me when I say this - there are an equal number of men who are not interested in giving oral sex to their partners.
i love both giving oral to my H and receiving from him

My husband thinks giving and receiving is derogatory. In the 8 years we've been together he's let me give him oral maybe 6 times. 2 summers ago he even came in my mouth, i think thats what killed it, cause he wont let me near anymore. (w/mouth)

I used to think he liked giving(he used to do it) until i asked the other night... Makes me feel a bit insecure
its frustrating and confusing:confused:.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
93 Posts
She's not interested in oral, she's never going to be interested in oral.

The only chance you might have had was before marriage, when you could have said 'before we make this permanent, we gotta fix this whole no BJ thing'.

Now she's got the ring, and no reason to do anything she doesn't want to do.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
29 Posts
The rules of BJ's in marriage:

Rule #1: He/she must take pleasure in giving pleasure. Let's face it, there is no g-spot located anywhere in the oral area. I know, I took Anatomy. `:smile2:

Rule #2: Proper grooming. This means freshly showered. Last night's doesn't count. Trimmed. Bye-bye Sasquatch, time to clean up your act!

Rule #3: Proper mood. Nagging, griping, and working someone into the ground or just in general ticking us off does not make anyone want to give you a special treat. Violation of this rule will automatically lead back to Rule #1.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,252 Posts
Oh for heaven's sake. "Women" are not all the same. We are not all cut from the same cookie cutter. MANY of us love our husbands, are GGG. Just because your wife is not into you does not mean that "women" aren't into their husbands.
Agree with most of this, but the implied message that no BJ's = "she's not into you", not so much.

I, again, think that men or women who do not give oral sex as a standalone act, can be just as into their partners as those who do.

What it comes down to, I truly believe, is that some people are just not built to give, unless there's a quantifiable and immediate return. Couple that with (real, or imagined) feelings of being used, and it'll never happen without a real and honest personality change.

So for people like me, who do not need an immediate ROI, and who are also primarily "givers", doing things like standalone oral sex is perfectly fine.

For people like my wife, who does need a visible and immediate return, and who is neither giver nor taker, standalone oral sex just won't happen.

I could talk to her until I'm blue in the face about how, if she were to do that once in a while, of her own accord, the overall benefits to our relationship (sexual or otherwise) would be visible. But if it is not an immediate return (ie. we have sex, she orgasms), then she has no interest.

Part of it is due, at least in her case, to feeling that it is a somewhat degrading act, if not returned. I can't argue with that, and I'd be a fool to try to. Part of it is due to the fact that, although she enjoys receiving oral sex, orgasms from it, etc. it is not enough for her on it's own - she needs PIV. So giving and receiving oral sex with each other, in the same session, with nothing else, is not going to happen either. For her, oral sex is only foreplay for me, or occasionally the finishing move. There is no oral sex, given or received, without their being PIV as well.

In my case, this issue has nothing to do with my wife "not being into me". What it IS, is my wife not being a giver OR a taker (she won't accept me giving her oral sex unless there's PIV, either).

For what it's worth, I actually think that partners who used to, regularly, give oral sex but who no longer do (and often make excuses for it), are the ones who are "not into" their partners. At one point, he/she was not just willing, but into, providing their partners with pleasure this way, and likely received a great deal of pleasure by doing so. Then it stops.

But others, like my wife, just never were from the get-go. Maybe it's the way she was raised, maybe she had some bad experiences with it, who knows? Oral sex, especially by women, on men, CAN be very degrading, and I am willing to bet that many women have had bad experiences with it. From having a boyfriend push your head down to his crotch, to even overhearing a group of men/boys talking about how "so-and-so sucked my **** last night" followed by high fives, and talk of what a w***e she is.

Furthermore, the culture we live in these days, especially with the younger generation at the moment, is that oral sex isn't "sex" and that it's perfectly normal and acceptable, and casual, even expected. It almost means nothing to the current generation of teens and early 20's. As many of these young women grow up, they will suddenly have the realization that oral sex actually IS sex. By that point, they may have had sex with 1 or 2 people, but given oral sex to 10 or 20. And they're probably not going to feel very good about that (or they might, if they have a healthy attitude towards sex). But by the point that they're ready to settle down, get married, etc., standalone oral sex (or even at all) will have been correlated with casual encounters and an overall negative vibe.

To make a long story short (sorry) - oral sex is one of those acts that gets vilified and has a stigma attached to it, especially as far as women and younger girls are concerned. We men, while younger, tend to make it out to be a non-loving act, sexual in nature only, something that we'll accept from virtually any girl, including those that we wouldn't have sex with. That's the reality, whether we like it or not.

When I was 17, a girl gave me a BJ in my car once. I didn't ask her to do this. I had driven her home one night so she didn't have to take the bus. I didn't expect or imply any return for the favour, and more importantly, if she had verbally offered as a way of thanking me, I would have declined. In retrospect, it was clearly her way of thanking me for the lift, but because she did not imply this, I happily accepted. Now, my point is that this was not a girl I would have had sex with, let alone dated. Oral sex was literally the only thing I would have accepted from her. If she invited me into her house to "thank me", I would have declined. If she had tried to have sex with me, I would have declined. If she had specifically said "I'm going to blow you because you gave me a ride", I would have declined. Yet I happily accepted it from her because she just did it. I was 17. But even then, at age 17, if there had been a verbal or otherwise obvious implication on her part that this was BECAUSE I did something for her, I wouldn't have let it happen. I'm sure that girl has long since forgotten that act, however if this was something she did many other times for the same reasons around that age, then it's highly possible that she has negative connotations derived from it. Or she may not, of course. It may be empowering to her, I don't know. But not all people are the same, and I could understand if that particular girl has an aversion to performing oral sex as a standalone act now, in adulthood.

So imagine you're a young girl, and you do things like this (or it is occasionally expected from you). Once you mature and realize that this is not something you "have" to do, or that many men will treat you with respect even if you don't give them BJ's in the car, then it becomes a negative in many respects.
 
1 - 20 of 87 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top