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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Robert and I have been together for almost eight years, we have had an incredible relationship, full of love and happiness and I can honestly say he is the love of my life.
This July he got a job offer on the other side of the country. It was in his field, good money, and even better experience. We both agreed he had to take it. I however could not join him, as my third year was starting soon, and there wasn't a school to transfer to.
Long distance was going fine, we had done it before and constant phone calls, skype calls, texting, exchanging emails and pictures ect. make it manageable.
I am currently visiting him, and during my visit it came to light he has been talking sexually online and through texting to another woman. Unfortunately I have caught him doing this before, earlier this year when we were living in different towns for school.
Here is the kicker, same girl both times. They were in the same program in college and I guess their attraction was never resolved.
Yet this time was different, he stopped on his own and told me that he had. Told me he realized how important I am to him, that he wants us to work, wants to spend his life with me, and is done with all the bull****. I believe he is sincere, but am so afraid to get hurt again. Last time I caught him because I was insecure and snooping, He stopped because I gave him no choice, not because he wanted to. I truly believe that being so far away from me put his feelings and actions into perspective and he is ready to be faithful.
I just don't know how to forgive. I gave into my temptation to go through his facebook and found out they had been having cam sessions, something he told me had happened but said they were only talking. their messages to each other made it clear it was not just talking. I know he only lied to save me from hurting more, but I feel like if he isn't being honest about the details, how can I believe he is really ready to recommit.
Any advice on how to move forward and repair my relationship would be greatly appreciated.
Sorry for the novel

9,232 Posts
Oh boy.

Ok, first of all, I am VERY sorry you're here. It sucks, it truly does :(

Secondly, what he did is UNACCEPTABLE and you had NO part in causing it.

And why on earth should you NOT snoop through his emails/chats/whatever the he!! you want? What's he hiding?

Please read the newbie link in my signature. PLEASE. You're doing this all wrong.

It is not up to you to forgive him. It's up to him to PROVE that he deserves your forgiveness. HE CHEATED ON YOU. He does NOT get to call the shots here.

Please. Don't rugsweep this. You already are, but I REALLY hope you can realize what's going on and do what you need to do. If you have any hope of staying married to him, you MUST take a very hard stance here, make demands and follow through on the consequences if he doesn't smarten the he!! up.

2,592 Posts

As for you relationship being repaired and your fear of getting hurt again:

Your husband needs very strict accountability. Sorry but you will have to be the one that puts forth the requirements and be the monitor. You husband must be remorseful and be 100% on board with putting a stop to his activity that will eventually destroy the family unity. He must agree to have the accountability measures put in place and to follow them religiously. Do not be timid about this as you maybe fighting a very strong tendency in your husband.

Your husband needs to realize that he has hurt the marriage and his family severely and be man enough to go 100% to prove that he is serious about trying to make up for his damage to the family. No excuses!

If the other woman has a husband, boyfriend, or family then I would tell them exactly the truth. They deserve a chance to make that girl accountable and it will make them both live up to their choices. Making willful knowledgeable choices to damage a marriage and family is serious and all should know the truth immediately.


1. Understand that forgiveness is not
* Justifying, understanding, or explaining why the person acted toward you as he or she did.
* Just forgetting about the offense and trusting time to take care of it.
* Asking God to forgive the person who hurt you.
* Asking God to forgive you for being angry or resentful against the person who offended you.
• Denying that you were really hurt; after all, there are others who have suffered more.

I suggest that you start your process of forgiving by first realizing that the forgiveness is for YOU. Although you were hurt you’re going through the process of forgiving will strengthen YOU. So your first motivation for forgiveness is for YOU not him.

Use this pain and the motivation that it gives you to become more autonomous and self-reliant. That will be of benefit to you if your husband gets right or you divorce.
Seek as much help from the right people or groups such as family, friends, your faith, professional therapy, etc.

Selfish husband
If your husband wants his freedom and the ability to commit these emotional affairs and wants to remain selfish then you may want to consider the following letter to your husband:

“Robert” ( insert name of husband) , I've been through some very tough moments since you decided to leave, as you know. My love for you is so profound that I just couldn't face the possibility of life without you. To a person like me, who expected to marry only once and to remain committed for life, it is a severe shock to see our relationship begin to unravel. Nevertheless, I have done some intense soul-searching, and I now realize that I have been attempting to hold you against your will. That simply can't be done.

As I reflect on our courtship and early years together, I'm reminded that you married me of your own free choice. I did not blackmail you or twist your arm or offer you a bribe. It was a decision you made without pressure from me. Now you are doing things that say that you want out of the marriage, and obviously, I have to let you go. I'm aware that I can no more force you to stay today than I could have made you marry me. You are free to go. If you never call me again, then I will accept your decision.

I admit that this entire experience has been painful, but I'm going to make it. God has been with me thus far and He'll go with me in the future. You and I had some wonderful times together. You were my first real love and I'll never forget the memories that we shared. I will pray for you and trust that God will guide you in the years ahead."
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