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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I am four years out of my relationship, which ended as a result of my ex's betrayal- which included infidelity and general toxic/ cruel behavior. We/I tried to make it work, but- out of some new found self respect I could not have him back.
I have been in a new- amazing- relationship for a few years now and things are great, I'm happier than I ever thought possible in my relationship.
However, there is a problem: I am still smacked with waves of pain, anger and hurt on a semi regular basis when I am reminded of the betrayal in my past- this plagues me. I am really struggling to forgive and forget.
I need help.
For those who have been through this- either ending your relationship or those who have reconciled- how did you forgive and release the pain of betrayal?
 

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this is really the crucial question. is it even possible? some say yes, some say no.. personally, i'm not even sure if i want the chance to find out either way.

and then, sadly, my mind concludes that it's slightly more likely that it is not possible.. :(
 

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Its natural to feel that way. It is in our ego, kill it.

Your ex chose to throw you away, after offering so much to him (your love, your work, your life, yourself), he still chose to hurt you and trample your love. Of course it would hurt, be sore, bleed after much time.

Wish him the best, all the happiness, and be happy you are free to love someone where it is mutual and most definitely exclusive.
 

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I have been in a new- amazing- relationship for a few years now and things are great, I'm happier than I ever thought possible in my relationship.

This is the key. You are in a better place. A place you didn't think would be possible when you broke up after your ex-husband's betrayal.

I think the idea is to forgive for YOURSELF. Don't let your ex-husband's betrayal affect your new life. You don't need to forget - but when you do remember, just tell yourself that the end result was that you are in a better relationship now. Set yourself free by forgiving your ex-husband and moving on with your new, better life.
 

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I'm glad you were able to move on and find happiness with someone else. I feel like you "made it out" alive. :smthumbup:

I don't know what to say about it other than pray and ask God to help you forgive him. Good luck!
 

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I need help.
For those who have been through this- either ending your relationship or those who have reconciled- how did you forgive and release the pain of betrayal?
It was this past Christmas Eve. My wife gave me a 3 page, handwritten letter apologizing for all the the ill she caused me and our marriage. It was so heartfelt and so many subtle things were spoken to in that letter that I knew she meant it wholeheartedly.

I took a very deep breath and said, "For all of the sh-t you have put me through and all of the pain and turmoil you have brought into my soul I forgive you".

I know it sounds sappy and whatever else one would term it, but I immediately felt a tremendous weight lifted from my being...not just my shoulders. I cried almost as hard as I did on Dday.

I let go of so much anger that night, yet I haven't forgotten and neither has she. She acknowledged in MC the following week that even though I forgave her that she knows that we still need to always maintain our honesty and openness and that the forgiving did NOT let her off the hook.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thanks everyone. I know that I am struggling with feeling like I "should" be over the hurt, because of the time that has past, and also because I am loved in my new relationship. I feel like an idiot for playing over scenarios and dropping into the shame I felt at the end of my last relationship.
I just go over and over that sinking feeling and I have nightmares that I'm back in that place.
I practice saying that I forgive him, but it's not helping me to detach.
The hardest part without question is the betrayal. Trusting someone completly and treating them with love and kindness and then having them say and do cruel and selfish things behind my back. I beat myself up for not knowing, for not having the intuition that he was so manipulative.
I also feel like I am somehow betraying my spouse now when I am pre-occupied with this past hurt, although he does know about what happened and how I continue to struggle.
I want to be a person that practices loving kindness and forgiveness, but truthfully I do daydream of revenge and I know this is so unhealthy.
 

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I want to be a person that practices loving kindness and forgiveness, but truthfully I do daydream of revenge and I know this is so unhealthy.

The best revenge is to forgive your cheating ex-husband and move on, living well and experiencing a greater love and connection than you ever had with him. Don't let his betrayal taint your current relationship. Your old husband is history. Close that chapter, permanently, by forgiving him and moving on.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
The best revenge is to forgive your cheating ex-husband and move on, living well and experiencing a greater love and connection than you ever had with him. Don't let his betrayal taint your current relationship. Your old husband is history. Close that chapter, permanently, by forgiving him and moving on.

Trust me, I know that I need to forgive and let go- I am trying, but I'm struggling with the residual pain. I want to feel differently and I have been acting my way into a new way of feeling- but the problem is my feelings are not following my command!

Any tips on how to do this?
 

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Trust me, I know that I need to forgive and let go- I am trying, but I'm struggling with the residual pain. I want to feel differently and I have been acting my way into a new way of feeling- but the problem is my feelings are not following my command!

Any tips on how to do this?

Well, you're already way ahead of me so the only tip I'll give you is to simply work on your current relationship. Use anything you have learned from your previous relationship as a way to strengthen what you now have with your new partner. It sounds like your current relationship is miles above what you ever had with your ex-husband. Try to appreciate what you have, not what you once had.
 

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I had my Dday about 14 months ago. I went through the whole phase of anger, frustration etc... I never got bitter though.. I forgave her as soon as I could get my head on straight.

I did not forgive her for her. I forgave her for me. You are holding onto that pain. You have to realize that the person you are with now is not your EX. Forgive your EX, don't let the pain well up inside of you. Forgive and you will feel better. Say it out loud. Get it off your chest and be happy and move on!
 

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I got through it with lots of IC, MC and workbook work with hubby. And TAM :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
What I hate the most is the doubt that this placed in me and how it made me feel about myself. There is a saying that we grow stronger in the broken places, but I call BS on that!
 

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I feel for you, and I really hope that there are some good answers given.

I found out my wife had been cheating 6 days ago and am going through personal hell right now. I honestly can't see myself forgiving and completely healing from this, but I would like to know if there are things I can do to help.

Forgiving for myself is a good thought, but how can you make yourself believe something that your psyche cringes against?
 

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OP, it sounds like your issue is more with yourself - how you let yourself be duped, manipulated, etc.

Let me remind you that you were in love. You were trusting and you had no reason not to be. You had not yet been burned.

Maybe you made some mistakes. But an unkind person (read d!ckhead) took advantage of you. Now you are more alert.

Try to think of yourself cheating on your current H. The idea grosses you out, yes? Good. Have pity for someone who could do that. Because in the end you know that they have debased themselves. And you won't ever let yourself go through that again. Lesson learned, okay?

And wouldn't your past self be happy for your present self? Share your wounded past self with your current mate. Make love to him with your hurt past self. Heal that past self so she can finally stop feeling betrayed. Let HER feel trust and love. I'm sure your current mate wants to help and understand. Sorry if this sounds like too much psychobabble but you get my drift.
 
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