[aine]

It can take three to five years — or longer — to rebuild. Some people try but just can’t rebuild. As to trust, you’ll never again trust him the way you did before he cheated (or you shouldn’t anyway). Rebuilding is a long process and it’s full of ups and downs and triggers. There’s no easy way through it. I wish you the best.

Agree with this, you will never trust again completely and in fact you should never trust anyone as we are all human and no-one is infallible. Just some people have ****tier characters than others. Counselling might help you t0o, to realize you have choices and this was not about you but about the weaknesses in his character. When you come to terms with that then you can decide whether you want to invest any more time in this marriage or move on.
Some cheaters never change, some do. My H cheated 20 years ago when I was pregnant, we rug swept but it came back with a vengeance when I hit menopause, I was ready to walk and unwilling to put up with his drinking or an iota of disrespect. He went into intensive therapy, he has really changed a lot and is more loving and attentive but I will never ever see him as the man I married. I am very comfortable in the marriage, we have fun times, great holidays and sex but there is a part of my heart that he lost forever, it is like a stain. If he cheated again (and I already went through being suspicious, it is a horrible place to be etc.) and I had the evidence I know I would walk for sure, it would not be the gut wrenching decision you are going through now.
You sound young, get counselling then make a decision. See how much effort he is putting into rebuilding, he should do the work, not you. Do not listen to words, they mean nothing, look at the actions only.

 

[frusdil]

Up until recently he used his mental health as his reason. However lately he has been very open and honest about the fact he made this decision and it was a mistake. He does have mental health issues he needs to address and thats what he's seeking counselling for. He finally seems remorseful and wanting to genuinely fix things. Just wanted to see how long I should give the trust issue a go before I should consider maybe it just isn't going to work.

Wow. Mental health really has become the go to excuse to justify anything at all.

 

[humorousDog3258]

Agree with this, you will never trust again completely and in fact you should never trust anyone as we are all human and no-one is infallible. Just some people have ****tier characters than others. Counselling might help you t0o, to realize you have choices and this was not about you but about the weaknesses in his character. When you come to terms with that then you can decide whether you want to invest any more time in this marriage or move on.
Some cheaters never change, some do. My H cheated 20 years ago when I was pregnant, we rug swept but it came back with a vengeance when I hit menopause, I was ready to walk and unwilling to put up with his drinking or an iota of disrespect. He went into intensive therapy, he has really changed a lot and is more loving and attentive but I will never ever see him as the man I married. I am very comfortable in the marriage, we have fun times, great holidays and sex but there is a part of my heart that he lost forever, it is like a stain. If he cheated again (and I already went through being suspicious, it is a horrible place to be etc.) and I had the evidence I know I would walk for sure, it would not be the gut wrenching decision you are going through now.
You sound young, get counselling then make a decision. See how much effort he is putting into rebuilding, he should do the work, not you. Do not listen to words, they mean nothing, look at the actions only.

Thanks for you reply.
I'm glad its worked out great for you. Its unfortunate though that after working through it, it won't ever be the same as before.
I guess the problem im finding is its been a year and a half since I found out and its only now he is admitting to what he done. So I've been willing to work on repairing things when he has been preoccupied denying he had done anything wrong. But now that he's willing im not entirely sure I am.

 

[aine]

Thanks for you reply.
I'm glad its worked out great for you. Its unfortunate though that after working through it, it won't ever be the same as before.
I guess the problem im finding is its been a year and a half since I found out and its only now he is admitting to what he done. So I've been willing to work on repairing things when he has been preoccupied denying he had done anything wrong. But now that he's willing im not entirely sure I am.

Unfortunately that is the damage done by cheating. The old marriage is dead and if he is not prepared to work on it then you should move on. You should set a deadline for yourself, you have waited for 18 months already which is not a good sign/. I guess if you threaten to leave him or divorce he will change his tune. However, who wants to stay with someone that you have to coerce into fixing themselves and being a participant in your marriage. If you are young enough, you have other and better options.

 

[nypsychnurse]

Just responding to the original post...many Years ago I suspected my husband was cheating...I had no concrete evidence, and he denied, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt...A year or so later, right after I gave birth to our child, he did admit that he HAD cheated...but it was over with by then...
I stayed with him because I wanted to work things out...I loved him and our family...I hoped that we could move past it...
It was tortuous @ times...but eventually I learned to trust again...
13 years later...he did it again...got involved in an online long distance affair...
It was a fluke that I found out when I did...before it got physical...but I was done...
My advice would be to go with your gut...but looking back, I'm sorry that I wasted all those years, all that energy on him...obviously he had a serious character flaw...

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