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It can take three to five years — or longer — to rebuild. Some people try but just can’t rebuild. As to trust, you’ll never again trust him the way you did before he cheated (or you shouldn’t anyway). Rebuilding is a long process and it’s full of ups and downs and triggers. There’s no easy way through it. I wish you the best.
Agree with this, you will never trust again completely and in fact you should never trust anyone as we are all human and no-one is infallible. Just some people have ****tier characters than others. Counselling might help you t0o, to realize you have choices and this was not about you but about the weaknesses in his character. When you come to terms with that then you can decide whether you want to invest any more time in this marriage or move on.
Some cheaters never change, some do. My H cheated 20 years ago when I was pregnant, we rug swept but it came back with a vengeance when I hit menopause, I was ready to walk and unwilling to put up with his drinking or an iota of disrespect. He went into intensive therapy, he has really changed a lot and is more loving and attentive but I will never ever see him as the man I married. I am very comfortable in the marriage, we have fun times, great holidays and sex but there is a part of my heart that he lost forever, it is like a stain. If he cheated again (and I already went through being suspicious, it is a horrible place to be etc.) and I had the evidence I know I would walk for sure, it would not be the gut wrenching decision you are going through now.
You sound young, get counselling then make a decision. See how much effort he is putting into rebuilding, he should do the work, not you. Do not listen to words, they mean nothing, look at the actions only.
 
Up until recently he used his mental health as his reason. However lately he has been very open and honest about the fact he made this decision and it was a mistake. He does have mental health issues he needs to address and thats what he's seeking counselling for. He finally seems remorseful and wanting to genuinely fix things. Just wanted to see how long I should give the trust issue a go before I should consider maybe it just isn't going to work.
Wow. Mental health really has become the go to excuse to justify anything at all.
 
Discussion starter · #43 ·
Agree with this, you will never trust again completely and in fact you should never trust anyone as we are all human and no-one is infallible. Just some people have ****tier characters than others. Counselling might help you t0o, to realize you have choices and this was not about you but about the weaknesses in his character. When you come to terms with that then you can decide whether you want to invest any more time in this marriage or move on.
Some cheaters never change, some do. My H cheated 20 years ago when I was pregnant, we rug swept but it came back with a vengeance when I hit menopause, I was ready to walk and unwilling to put up with his drinking or an iota of disrespect. He went into intensive therapy, he has really changed a lot and is more loving and attentive but I will never ever see him as the man I married. I am very comfortable in the marriage, we have fun times, great holidays and sex but there is a part of my heart that he lost forever, it is like a stain. If he cheated again (and I already went through being suspicious, it is a horrible place to be etc.) and I had the evidence I know I would walk for sure, it would not be the gut wrenching decision you are going through now.
You sound young, get counselling then make a decision. See how much effort he is putting into rebuilding, he should do the work, not you. Do not listen to words, they mean nothing, look at the actions only.
Thanks for you reply.
I'm glad its worked out great for you. Its unfortunate though that after working through it, it won't ever be the same as before.
I guess the problem im finding is its been a year and a half since I found out and its only now he is admitting to what he done. So I've been willing to work on repairing things when he has been preoccupied denying he had done anything wrong. But now that he's willing im not entirely sure I am.
 
Thanks for you reply.
I'm glad its worked out great for you. Its unfortunate though that after working through it, it won't ever be the same as before.
I guess the problem im finding is its been a year and a half since I found out and its only now he is admitting to what he done. So I've been willing to work on repairing things when he has been preoccupied denying he had done anything wrong. But now that he's willing im not entirely sure I am.
Unfortunately that is the damage done by cheating. The old marriage is dead and if he is not prepared to work on it then you should move on. You should set a deadline for yourself, you have waited for 18 months already which is not a good sign/. I guess if you threaten to leave him or divorce he will change his tune. However, who wants to stay with someone that you have to coerce into fixing themselves and being a participant in your marriage. If you are young enough, you have other and better options.
 
Just responding to the original post...many Years ago I suspected my husband was cheating...I had no concrete evidence, and he denied, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt...A year or so later, right after I gave birth to our child, he did admit that he HAD cheated...but it was over with by then...
I stayed with him because I wanted to work things out...I loved him and our family...I hoped that we could move past it...
It was tortuous @ times...but eventually I learned to trust again...
13 years later...he did it again...got involved in an online long distance affair...
It was a fluke that I found out when I did...before it got physical...but I was done...
My advice would be to go with your gut...but looking back, I'm sorry that I wasted all those years, all that energy on him...obviously he had a serious character flaw...

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How to forgive? You move on and meet someone awesome that actually loves you the way it is supposed to be. You have an awesome life and you will not only forgive them but be greatful they ****ed up so you had the opportunity to go find someone who loves you. My wife is thankful her serial cheating ex screwed around and she divorced him and married me.
 
I guess it all depends on what you mean by "forgive"

Knowing how much I give to my partner, if he were to choose another woman while with me, I would see it as the ultimate rejection of ME and everything I was trying to give to him. So even if I forgave him and felt understanding about it (and I would), there is NO way I could overlook it and what it meant -- that he didn't want ME, that he didn't value ME, that what I offered to him as a partner didn't make him happy or wasn't enough for him. And THAT is what the ultimate deal-breaker is for me.

So if you look at what he did in a basic, unfiltered way, I think it's impossible to rationalize it as anything but total rejection of YOU as a person. I'm not sure how you ever get over something like that, because it's so deep and final. Are you going to become a totally different person...? SHOULD YOU...??

There is a reason you do not feel secure with him and are struggling to get over what he did - it's because you know you are NOT actually safe with him. I don't know if there is any way to recover from his betrayal and to feel safe to be yourself with this man again.
 
I guess it all depends on what you mean by "forgive"

Knowing how much I give to my partner, if he were to choose another woman while with me, I would see it as the ultimate rejection of ME and everything I was trying to give to him. So even if I forgave him and felt understanding about it (and I would), there is NO way I could overlook it and what it meant -- that he didn't want ME, that he didn't value ME, that what I offered to him as a partner didn't make him happy or wasn't enough for him. And THAT is what the ultimate deal-breaker is for me.

So if you look at what he did in a basic, unfiltered way, I think it's impossible to rationalize it as anything but total rejection of YOU as a person. I'm not sure how you ever get over something like that, because it's so deep and final. Are you going to become a totally different person...? SHOULD YOU...??

There is a reason you do not feel secure with him and are struggling to get over what he did - it's because you know you are NOT actually safe with him. I don't know if there is any way to recover from his betrayal and to feel safe to be yourself with this man again.
Well said. My view point is that the greatist bond i felt was the two times my wife was carrying our sons. All the times my wife got pregnant, she was on Birth control. So in my mind, my wife is anti abortion and her having sex with another man, means to me that she wants to carry that man's child, because there is a very good chance she would have gotten pregnant. I could not reconcile that.
 
I always think its slightly amusing in an ironic way when I hear that a cheater has start having counselling to find out why they cheated and what is 'broken'.
They cheat because they make a decision to do so, often time and time again for a long period of time, because they dont value faithfulness enough and they dont have character or integrity. Sorry.
The trust is destroyed, he was 'sorry' AFTER you found out, he didnt come clean himself. That is not being sorry, except sorry he got caught. If you hadnt found out he would still be cheating right now.
Personally for me the trust would be gone, and without that what is there? Yes I could forgive eventually I am sure with a lot of work on my part, but forgiveness and reconciliation are two different things.Forgiveness and being able to trust again are not the same. Adultery destroys the marriage covenant, its shattered and many just cant carry on. Sometimes its beyond repair.
You have given it a year, well done for trying, my husband knows that if he ever cheated thats it.
I do know of a few marriages where they stayed but it can never be the same. Something so important is lost.
I hope you've been married a very long time, then. My husband KNEW that too but it didn't stop him from having what he claimed was an EA and I can't help but think was a PA (after 11 years of marriage with two kids). I was adamant, you can do whatever you want, just don't cheat cause it will break me. We're kindred spirits, attached at the hip, the ideal couple with everything in common. Once lapse in communication cause times got rough and they seek out validation from some dumb b--- who is an uglier, dumber, trashier, poorer, dumpier, more desperate version of their spouse. Men are f'ing stupid and destroy their own lives because they have unresolved mommy issues. So, as I said, I hope you're in a 50 year marriage and he can't get it up anymore, because only then can I believe the he knows not to cheat and actually respected your wishes.

I do agree with the other stuff you said, however.
 
How to forgive your cheater in one step - let them go.

I will confess it is not nearly as easy as it sounds.

Part company as quickly as possible. The relationship ended as soon as your betrayer decided to cheat. It will never be the same or as good. A broken trust will always remain just that - broken.

In the long run you will be far better off giving someone new an opportunity to prove themselves worthy of you rather than give a second chance to someone who has already proved they are willing to betray you.

You can co parent successfully.
 
Thankyou 🙂
Hes beginning therapy to try and fix what is broken inside himself to better understand why he done it. He's been quite open and honest about itven lately. My problem just seems to be if after a year im no closer to trusting or forgiving him will I ever be
I am 7 years later, and can't say I have "forgiven her". Some people just learn to live with it without the cleansing of complete forgiveness
 
You are dangling from a rope over a cliff. Your spouse, in deciding to cheat, nearly cut through the rope, but left a little bit there to hold you up so you wouldn't realize anything was wrong. Through happenstance, you realized the rope was nearly severed.

Your spouse claims the rope has been fixed, and they won't cut it again. But the rope will never again be as strong as it originally was, and you only have the word of the person who deliberately cut it in the first place that it has even been repaired. They may even have cut it in other places that you haven't noticed yet.

Let go of the rope, and fly away.
 
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