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Some people just get crushed over and over.
 
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Some people just get crushed over and over.
That is their due, right or wrong, just or not.

That dark cloud follows them.

T.Jack..

Often, one can move to a different locale and have the hurt shift to a different place in their life or environment.
This requires planning.
 
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Been in a relationship for 5 years and have 2 children. A year ago I found out he had cheated on me 6 months prior. Of course I was horrified and wanted to just end things. However after he finally admitted to what he had done and had apologised I decided that we would try and work it out. However I am struggling with moving forward due to the fact I feel at times hes still doing it and it took until I found the information for him to admit he had done it. I love him and would like it to work just unsure if I will ever get over the pain and would like some insight if anyone has gone through similar and moved past it 🙂
You have a very short post compared to most, which of course means I have to ask you more details. So to start...
How did you find out? How long did it take for him to fess up? And how much do you know about the affair? (One night stand, emotional and physical? Do you know the whole story, do you know only some of it, how reluctant is he with it etc) Are you married? Did he ever make you feel that he was the type to cheat before you found out?

I think these answers are important for reconciliation since that’s what you are attempting to do. Working through a one night occurrence is different than a 6 month affair where they professed to be soulmates. How you found out also affects things, it’s all traumatizing but finding people butt to nut is different than finding 459 calls to the same number on a phone bill.

I read an article recently, I should try to dig it up, some study through the APA found that there is a marked difference in the success of reconciliation over the course of 5 years in infidelity couples depending on if the cheater admitted the affair or was caught in the affair. The chances of the couple being together at the 5 year mark was something grossly low like 10% for those caught, and something like 52% for those who admitted. (This is of the couples who decided to try reconciliation).

My point is, I don’t think there is a one size fits all and there are hundreds of factors which play into the reconciliation and it’s success. And I think you are asking a question that most of us grapple with whether we choose to leave or stay... how do we ever come to terms with what happened in the context of our own lives and hearts. It’s much more difficult to do when you reconcile with the cheater, because you take on 100% of the risk in the relationship from then on. You know the ability to cheat on you is there and always will be. I don’t think you ever can be completely comfortable with that kind of risk, but you manage it the best you can.
 

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I'll be honest with you.

He's completely and totally remorseless. How do I know? Because he'd been lying to your face day after day after day until you CAUGHT him and then he couldn't lie anymore. Had you not caught him, he'd STILL be lying to your face. Truth is, he had every intention of taking his dirty secret to the grave with him and never telling you.

THAT'S how I know he has no remorse for what he did.

And when they're remorseless, that means they have no problem doing it again.

And again.

And again.

There's a reason you still have a gut feeling he's up to no good. That would be because the chances are VERY VERY high that he is.

Don't waste your time eating the **** sandwich he's served up to you. There's a much better diet elsewhere.
 
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Thankyou 🙂
Hes beginning therapy to try and fix what is broken inside himself to better understand why he done it. He's been quite open and honest about it lately. My problem just seems to be if after a year im no closer to trusting or forgiving him will I ever be
Oh, he's throwing you the old "therapy" bone, is he? That's another bargaining chip cheaters use when they want to placate you and can't offer you anything else. His therapist will give him some excuse she pulls out of the air about how he was neglected/abused/ignored/bullied/ridiculed in his childhood and that's why he did it.

He knows damned well why he did it. He did it because he wanted to, he wanted sexual variety, and because the opportunity came up and he jumped on it. He'll never admit that to YOU, however. No, he'll stick to whatever manufactured excuse his therapist will feed him.

It drives me crazy when women can't face the truth about why these men cheat, and instead, need some bogus excuse from a therapist for why their husband cheated to make them feel better that it was some emotional or mental disorder or issue that drove them to it.

The simple truth is, most of them do it because they WANT to.
 

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Been in a relationship for 5 years and have 2 children. A year ago I found out he had cheated on me 6 months prior. Of course I was horrified and wanted to just end things. However after he finally admitted to what he had done and had apologised I decided that we would try and work it out. However I am struggling with moving forward due to the fact I feel at times hes still doing it and it took until I found the information for him to admit he had done it. I love him and would like it to work just unsure if I will ever get over the pain and would like some insight if anyone has gone through similar and moved past it 🙂
I think most of the time the bigger problem is the lying after getting caught. What did he do, and how much lying did he do after you caught him? Cheating almost always is a selfish decision. I wouldn't say that he is "broken" just because he cheated. I guess it depends on what you consider "broken" means. People do all kinds of selfish things, think only of themselves, hide their bad behavior, and lie. They know if they tell the truth they'll have some consequences. People cheated on tests when I was in school. When they got caught, they lied about it. I don't recall anyone saying they are "broken" and need counseling. Of course, some did, but there was something else, some other factors, too. Why do you think counseling will help? What is his brokenness, and how will therapy fix that? Does he share with you what is going on at his counseling?

Why do you still sometimes feel he is still doing it? What particular behaviors?
 

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Oh, he's throwing you the old "therapy" bone, is he? That's another bargaining chip cheaters use when they want to placate you and can't offer you anything else. His therapist will give him some excuse she pulls out of the air about how he was neglected/abused/ignored/bullied/ridiculed in his childhood and that's why he did it.

He knows damned well why he did it. He did it because he wanted to, he wanted sexual variety, and because the opportunity came up and he jumped on it. He'll never admit that to YOU, however. No, he'll stick to whatever manufactured excuse his therapist will feed him.

It drives me crazy when women can't face the truth about why these men cheat, and instead, need some bogus excuse from a therapist for why their husband cheated to make them feel better that it was some emotional or mental disorder or issue that drove them to it.

The simple truth is, most of them do it because they WANT to.
Another way cheaters excuse their behaviour and get 'therapy' is by claiming a sex addiction. Then they can say its not their fault, like Tiger Woods. Cheating is a choice, no one forces you.
 

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How to forgive? How old are you and how long have you been married? Did he tell you if this was the only time he has been unfaithful? What reason did he give you for cheating? I have found many that cheat are capable of cheating again so forgiving to keep the marriage is a waste of your time, energy and the space in your heart.
 

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I too am always amused when cheaters offer the therapy card, to "fix" themselves. Oh please, you cheated because you CHOSE to do so. No. Other. Reason.

Not sure I could forgive and move on with them in a healthy way. Trust is SO important in marriage, and once it's broken...hmmmmm. People do recover from it, but they're in the minority and it takes years of hard slog to do.
 

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Best way I can tell is to move on from them, find someone new, fall in love with that new person and then you don't care about the cheater anymore. So it's easy to forgive them. Unless you do that, I think it's pretty hard.

Forgiveness doesn't mean forget or not allow for consequence.
 
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Been in a relationship for 5 years and have 2 children. A year ago I found out he had cheated on me 6 months prior. Of course I was horrified and wanted to just end things. However after he finally admitted to what he had done and had apologised I decided that we would try and work it out. However I am struggling with moving forward due to the fact I feel at times hes still doing it and it took until I found the information for him to admit he had done it. I love him and would like it to work just unsure if I will ever get over the pain and would like some insight if anyone has gone through similar and moved past it 🙂
I understand you wan to work it out, however I just have a couple of thoughts for you to consider.

1) Forgiving doesn't necessarily mean reconciling. And reconciling doesn't necessarily mean forgiving, although many try to and find reconciling often can't happen and often it's because of point #2 below. If you can't reconcile, sometimes it means it's a deal-breaker for you. No one knows how they will respond to infidelity until it happens.

I guess what I'm trying to say is many can't get past it and pay close attention to yourself to determine if you're one of those people. I'm one, so I understand the struggle. However when you begin to think of it in terms of your ability or inability, I think it gets easier. At least for me it did. It doesn't have anything to do with love. You can love someone and can't reconcile. You can forgive someone and not be able to reconcile. Understand these things and their distinctions and you may be able to find some clarity.

2) There's a saying among betrayed spouses that says "recover before you reconcile". Once you recover, you have a clearer mind that can lend itself to reconciling and forgiving. If you haven't recovered, it's akin to having an athletic injury and attempting to play in a game that requires 100% health in order for you to perform and win.

People who are betrayed are emotionally injured and aren't in position to navigate through the complexities of post-affair reconciliation. Just getting your bearings straight is quite a feat. The trauma of being betrayed is a real one that can disrupt cognitive thinking, etc. Get healthy first.
 

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Been in a relationship for 5 years and have 2 children. A year ago I found out he had cheated on me 6 months prior. Of course I was horrified and wanted to just end things. However after he finally admitted to what he had done and had apologised I decided that we would try and work it out. However I am struggling with moving forward due to the fact I feel at times hes still doing it and it took until I found the information for him to admit he had done it. I love him and would like it to work just unsure if I will ever get over the pain and would like some insight if anyone has gone through similar and moved past it 🙂
The pain will be there whether you divorce or try to work it out. But when you stay after cheating, the pain is more in your face because you are with him every day - it's a constant reminder.

Everyone's emotions are their own. While I can relate to your pain I can't feel it the same way.

In my case, her affair was not physical, but it was with a friend we both knew and the hurt was massive. It took me about 3 years to get to a point where I wasn't wondering what she was doing or thinking. And honestly, our marriage is in a much better place now than it was even before the affair. But those 3 years were awful. We had a lot more time together pre-affair than you - we were married 15 years, so some really deep investments for both of us to attempt to heal and see if we could move forward. It worked out for us, but it often doesn't.

If you still love him and feel you can eventually trust him again, then maybe it's worth sticking out another year. But if you just don't think you ever could, I'd bail now. It will speed up your healing and allow you to work on your future much more quickly.
 

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Dump their sorry azz and go find an awesome person to live a wonderful life with. One day soon you will be greatful that they blew it all up so you could meet the person you will soon realize should have been the one all along.

My wife and i both say we would go through all the heartache of past Ex's again if we had to, to get back to each other. She tels me often that she never realized in her wildest dreams what love was possible to be like until me. We met a month before her divorce was final from her serial cheating ex. Now she not only forgives him but is greatful for him destroying their marriage.
 

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Discussion Starter #38
The pain will be there whether you divorce or try to work it out. But when you stay after cheating, the pain is more in your face because you are with him every day - it's a constant reminder.

Everyone's emotions are their own. While I can relate to your pain I can't feel it the same way.

In my case, her affair was not physical, but it was with a friend we both knew and the hurt was massive. It took me about 3 years to get to a point where I wasn't wondering what she was doing or thinking. And honestly, our marriage is in a much better place now than it was even before the affair. But those 3 years were awful. We had a lot more time together pre-affair than you - we were married 15 years, so some really deep investments for both of us to attempt to heal and see if we could move forward. It worked out for us, but it often doesn't.

If you still love him and feel you can eventually trust him again, then maybe it's worth sticking out another year. But if you just don't think you ever could, I'd bail now. It will speed up your healing and allow you to work on your future much more quickly.
Thankyou. Im glad it worked out for you. Hopefully in time it can for me too.
 

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Discussion Starter #39
@humorousDog3258 What do YOU want? Do you want to reconcile with him?

How did you find out about the affair?

Has he gone no contact with his affair partner?

Are you both in counselling?
I want to try and work through things.
I found out by finding messages of him ending things.
He hasn't contacted them since.
No counselling for the both of us yet but it is being organised.
 

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I too am always amused when cheaters offer the therapy card, to "fix" themselves. Oh please, you cheated because you CHOSE to do so. No. Other. Reason.

Not sure I could forgive and move on with them in a healthy way. Trust is SO important in marriage, and once it's broken...hmmmmm. People do recover from it, but they're in the minority and it takes years of hard slog to do.
Up until recently he used his mental health as his reason. However lately he has been very open and honest about the fact he made this decision and it was a mistake. He does have mental health issues he needs to address and thats what he's seeking counselling for. He finally seems remorseful and wanting to genuinely fix things. Just wanted to see how long I should give the trust issue a go before I should consider maybe it just isn't going to work.
 
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