[humorousDog3258]

Been in a relationship for 5 years and have 2 children. A year ago I found out he had cheated on me 6 months prior. Of course I was horrified and wanted to just end things. However after he finally admitted to what he had done and had apologised I decided that we would try and work it out. However I am struggling with moving forward due to the fact I feel at times hes still doing it and it took until I found the information for him to admit he had done it. I love him and would like it to work just unsure if I will ever get over the pain and would like some insight if anyone has gone through similar and moved past it 🙂

 

[Laurentium]

Yes, some people get over it, and some people don't. What helps a lot is if he has some sort of insight into what it would be like to be cheated on. Not just an "apology". Also if he has a willingness to make amends by being more transparent, eg willing to let your know where he's going to be when you're not together (or whatever makes sense in your circumstances).

 

[humorousDog3258]

Yes, some people get over it, and some people don't. What helps a lot is if he has some sort of insight into what it would be like to be cheated on. Not just an "apology". Also if he has a willingness to make amends by being more transparent, eg willing to let your know where he's going to be when you're not together (or whatever makes sense in your circumstances).

Thankyou 🙂
Hes beginning therapy to try and fix what is broken inside himself to better understand why he done it. He's been quite open and honest about it lately. My problem just seems to be if after a year im no closer to trusting or forgiving him will I ever be

 

[Diana7]

Thankyou 🙂
Hes beginning therapy to try and fix what is broken inside himself to better understand why he done it. He's been quite open and honest about it lately. My problem just seems to be if after a year im no closer to trusting or forgiving him will I ever be

I always think its slightly amusing in an ironic way when I hear that a cheater has start having counselling to find out why they cheated and what is 'broken'.
They cheat because they make a decision to do so, often time and time again for a long period of time, because they dont value faithfulness enough and they dont have character or integrity. Sorry.
The trust is destroyed, he was 'sorry' AFTER you found out, he didnt come clean himself. That is not being sorry, except sorry he got caught. If you hadnt found out he would still be cheating right now.
Personally for me the trust would be gone, and without that what is there? Yes I could forgive eventually I am sure with a lot of work on my part, but forgiveness and reconciliation are two different things.Forgiveness and being able to trust again are not the same. Adultery destroys the marriage covenant, its shattered and many just cant carry on. Sometimes its beyond repair.
You have given it a year, well done for trying, my husband knows that if he ever cheated thats it.
I do know of a few marriages where they stayed but it can never be the same. Something so important is lost.

 

[SunCMars]

Thankyou 🙂
Hes beginning therapy to try and fix what is broken inside himself to better understand why he done it. He's been quite open and honest about it lately. My problem just seems to be if after a year im no closer to trusting or forgiving him will I ever be

Sorry for your situation.

How can you feel different?
He is the same man, you are just living a different day with him.

Logically, the forgiving would arrive first, but the trust has permanently vanished.

As I see it, you have already forgiven him a good measure. You did not divorce him.

It is the pain that lingers. And, why should it not?
You are not a stone.


Are Dee-

 

[oldshirt]

Sometimes you can simply never look at them or feel the same about the relationship again. That is the risk cheaters take when they cheat.

It’s like if you fix this great turkey dinner for thanksgiving and someone takes a big ol’ dump right in the middle of the turkey tray.

You can toss out the turd (ie the AP) and the pooper can apologize for their actions and can even self-reflect and come to terms with why they did it and promise not to do it again.

But doesn’t mean that you’ll still have an appetite or that you have to eat the turkey.

 

[Enigma32]

How to forgive a cheater? Leave. Move on. Find someone better and live your best life. When you do, you will one day look back at your time with that cheater and you won't be angry at them anymore because you will be happy they screwed things up since that allowed you to have the life you have today.

 

[Openminded]

It can take three to five years — or longer — to rebuild. Some people try but just can’t rebuild. As to trust, you’ll never again trust him the way you did before he cheated (or you shouldn’t anyway). Rebuilding is a long process and it’s full of ups and downs and triggers. There’s no easy way through it. I wish you the best.

 

[bobert]

It takes somewhere between 3-5 years to heal from infidelity, and some people never do. It's not something that your marriage can quickly come back from, even if your WS is doing everything right. And if they are refusing to do the work required... forget about it.

It's not something that you can work out on your own, so I would suggest finding a marriage counselor if you haven't already. It's great that he's in individual therapy, but you need to be going together as well. You're trying to heal the marriage, and he only makes up half of it.

He should be doing everything possible to make you feel as safe as possible and to earn back your trust. He may need to put more work into that if you feel like he could still be cheating. To be honest, even if he does everything right you will still have doubts sometimes. I would recommend buying the book How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. It is good for both you and your husband to read. Another good book is Not "Just Friends" by Shirley Glass.

It took 23 months for "I forgive her" to come out of my mouth, and everyone who knows about it was shocked that I said it at all. That was 2.5 months ago and I meant it when I said it but between our D-Day anniversary, wedding anniversary, and a triggering situation that came up recently, I wouldn't be able to say it right now - and that's okay. Forgiveness is a process and it doesn't happen overnight. It also doesn't "just happen" though, it took A LOT of work to get there.

I don't think it ever stops hurting entirely, but you learn to move forward with that pain. Personally, at this point, I mostly just feel sad that it's part of our story.

 

[Evinrude58]

I personally believe if they didn’t value you enough before not to cheat, what is to stop them now? Has your value to them increased? Have they strangely developed some new character? Have they realized that you are the person they love the most? Seems they should have made that call before the marriage, not during.

That said, it’s been a year and your husband is trying to make things right as best he can. That is meaningful at least.
Will it ever fix how you feel about him? Can some magic therapist help you to some epiphany where you will suddenly forgive and trust him? I doubt it.

I’d give it another year if you feel he is worth the effort. If I didn’t feel it anymore for him, I’d send him on his way. He broke the marriage. If you now choose to end it, the blame rests solely on him.

 

[DownByTheRiver]

Being cheated on by someone you loved and trusted changes you forever. Because you just learned that someone who you were convinced loved you and would never do something to hurt you in fact chose to do just that. So you realize the limits of humans.

That doesn't mean that every person on Earth would do that same thing to you. But you really never know. So it's hard to ever love is thoroughly again and really give everything you have to anyone. It's a loss of idealistic love that we all want.

 

[Evinrude58]

Being cheated on by someone you loved and trusted changes you forever. Because you just learned that someone who you were convinced loved you and would never do something to hurt you in fact chose to do just that. So you realize the limits of humans.


That doesn't mean that every person on Earth would do that same thing to you. But you really never know. So it's hard to ever love is thoroughly again and really give everything you have to anyone. It's a loss of idealistic love that we all want.

I agree, I don’t think I’ll ever feel completely confident that I’m loved in the same way I love others. My ex wife ruined that for me.

 

[DownByTheRiver]

It's one of the saddest things, losing that faith that there is true love. People are imperfect. I've switched to dogs. Dogs won't let You down.

 

[Diana7]

It's one of the saddest things, losing that faith that there is true love. People are imperfect. I've switched to dogs. Dogs won't let You down.

Great choice, I LOVE dogs too. 😄 👌

 

[Diana7]

How to forgive a cheater? Leave. Move on. Find someone better and live your best life. When you do, you will one day look back at your time with that cheater and you won't be angry at them anymore because you will be happy they screwed things up since that allowed you to have the life you have today.

That is so true. My husband's ex cheating and their divorce opened the door for him to be in a far happier marriage with a wife who loves him and will never cheat.

 

[DownByTheRiver]

He got really lucky. It's good he was able to give his heart to someone new after that.

 

[SunCMars]

I agree, I don’t think I’ll ever feel completely confident that I’m loved in the same way I love others. My ex wife ruined that for me.

I love you man.....

As a bro' !
Ah, maybe its your name.

Your namesake powers both of my BW boats.

 

[SunCMars]

Love a sinner, hate a cheater?

Umm, maybe.

It depends on, who is the sinner, who is the cheater?

(And what party affiliation they have!)

 

[SunCMars]

Great choice, I LOVE dogs too. 😄 👌

Not me.

 

[Diana7]

He got really lucky. It's good he was able to give his heart to someone new after that.

We both did, both deeply hurt by our exes. There is always hope.