Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 145 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
38 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
A guy from my past has popped back up now that we're both married and things have gotten out of control (not physical). The initial intent was to be casual friends, which led to conversations about missing each other and not being satisfied at home. Our spouses picked up on the connection and cut us off. We went a couple of months without communication, but missed each other and have resumed communication. My husband is wonderful, but I do not feel attracted or loving towards him. I don't want to be "that girl" in either of our relationships. I keep trying to talk myself in to saying goodbye and working on being happy with my husband, but it never seems to work. I'm starting to feel like the other guy might just be looking for sex since he's not getting any at home and that's not the girl I want to be either. I would never want to break up his family or hurt my husband/family, but it seems impossible to walk away. I don't know if my feelings are love, lust, infatuation, etc. I worry about what it could lead to and getting caught. Please help. Thanks.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
38 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
You're right, I don't "want" to, but I know it's what needs to happen. I'm just having a very hard time doing it. It would be easier if I was happy at home. I was hoping more for ways others have walked away from similar situations and how they've dealt with it. Thanks.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,269 Posts
We went a couple of months without communication, but missed each other and have resumed communication. My husband is wonderful, but I do not feel attracted or loving towards him. I don't want to be "that girl" in either of our relationships.
1) Well it's too late, you're already "that girl", aka a cheater. You have been having an emotional affair behind his back.

2) You are correct in your assumption. He does expect sex from you. If you continue, you will give it to him to appease him.

3) If you are unhappy with your husband, you can either try to work it out or divorce him if you have become a WAW.

4) You're feeling toward OM are lust and infatuation. Eventually they will pass however the damage to your marriage will be PERMANANT.

It's up to you. My advice? Be a BRAVE woman and either let your husband go or this clown go AND STOP being a home wrecker.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
3,364 Posts
Look at it as having the power to destroy everything you hold of value in your life and every life you are currently touching... then choose wisely.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
136 Posts
Hi...I had a really hot chick at work reach out to me once and try to start an emotional affair. She started all innocent but then went down a flirtatious path and was dressing the part. I found out that she was not happy at home and had at least two or three other guys she was friendly with. Either way I told her that I would be an ear to listen to or shoulder to cry on but that was it and point blank told her I didn't want to play her game. She got really pissed and stopped talking to me. She still reaches out from time to time but I ignore. Point is...not impossible...you just don't want to work on your own issues as this route is easier and feels exciting. Remember, your actions impact the happiness of your children and they are the ones who hurt from our selfishness.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,232 Posts
You're right, I don't "want" to, but I know it's what needs to happen. I'm just having a very hard time doing it. It would be easier if I was happy at home. I was hoping more for ways others have walked away from similar situations and how they've dealt with it. Thanks.
You're not happy at home because you're putting all your energy into being a CHEATER. STOP CHEATING. Right now. Every excuse you come up with is making you more pathetic. The way you do it is that you DO it. You STOP CHEATING. You start by telling your husband what you've done.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,609 Posts
A guy from my past has popped back up now that we're both married and things have gotten out of control (not physical). The initial intent was to be casual friends, which led to conversations about missing each other and not being satisfied at home. Our spouses picked up on the connection and cut us off. We went a couple of months without communication, but missed each other and have resumed communication. My husband is wonderful, but I do not feel attracted or loving towards him. I don't want to be "that girl" in either of our relationships. I keep trying to talk myself in to saying goodbye and working on being happy with my husband, but it never seems to work. I'm starting to feel like the other guy might just be looking for sex since he's not getting any at home and that's not the girl I want to be either. I would never want to break up his family or hurt my husband/family, but it seems impossible to walk away. I don't know if my feelings are love, lust, infatuation, etc. I worry about what it could lead to and getting caught. Please help. Thanks.
If you do not feel attracted or loving towards your husband and constantly fall for your ex or another then why stay?
It's not fair to your husband or you.
It may be difficult to divorce now but in the future it will bring happiness to you both eventually.


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,232 Posts
If you do not feel attracted or loving towards your husband and constantly fall for your ex or another then why stay?
It's not fair to your husband or you.
It may be difficult to divorce now but in the future it will bring happiness to you both eventually.


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk
No one in the throes of an affair can judge what their feelings are for their spouse. They need to eject the affair partner from their life and detox from them. Only then can their feelings return for their spouse.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
911 Posts
A guy from my past has popped back up now that we're both married and things have gotten out of control (not physical). The initial intent was to be casual friends, which led to conversations about missing each other and not being satisfied at home. Our spouses picked up on the connection and cut us off. We went a couple of months without communication, but missed each other and have resumed communication. My husband is wonderful, but I do not feel attracted or loving towards him. I don't want to be "that girl" in either of our relationships. I keep trying to talk myself in to saying goodbye and working on being happy with my husband, but it never seems to work. I'm starting to feel like the other guy might just be looking for sex since he's not getting any at home and that's not the girl I want to be either. I would never want to break up his family or hurt my husband/family, but it seems impossible to walk away. I don't know if my feelings are love, lust, infatuation, etc. I worry about what it could lead to and getting caught. Please help. Thanks.
OP,

Glad its dawned on you he may just be looking for sex. So if you read anything you will find that "he is not getting any sex at home" is one of the oldest lines in the books.

You are already cheating and if you read you will also find out that almost all get caught. You are not going to regain any attraction for your husband pining for another man so my suggestion is to strap you big girl panties on and either divorce your husband or cut the crap out or you may find yourself out on your butt.

Men do not enter affairs for emotional reasons or because the are Good Samaratans. He wants in your pants. Tell him fine once he files for divorce
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,609 Posts
No one in the throes of an affair can judge what their feelings are for their spouse. They need to eject the affair partner from their life and detox from them. Only then can their feelings return for their spouse.
If I felt zero attraction and love for my spouse, I'd just leave if I couldn't stop seeing someone else.
Why torture ourselves and our spouses.
Being an inbetweener increases confuses emotions, but then again I'm all or nothing.
But each to their own.


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
38 Posts
Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Thanks so much for the advice, even the harsh words of wisdom. Guess I've occasionally fallen for the special, undeniable connection lines as if we're destined to be together. But my brain says- he's playing you, wonder who else there is, there'd always be trust issues, etc. I just feel so bored & numb at home that the excitement of an occasional call from him is very tempting. Does anyone have suggestions on how to fall in love with my husband again?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,232 Posts
Thanks so much for the advice, even the harsh words of wisdom. Guess I've occasionally fallen for the special, undeniable connection lines as if we're destined to be together. But my brain says- he's playing you, wonder who else there is, there'd always be trust issues, etc. I just feel so bored & numb at home that the excitement of an occasional call from him is very tempting. Does anyone have suggestions on how to fall in love with my husband again?
First and foremost - CUT OFF ALL CONTACT WITH THE OM. Did you see where I said you need to do up a no contact letter?

Once you've detoxed yourself from the affair, then you can properly evaluate your marriage and your feeling for your husband. The only way to get back on track is for BOTH of you to work on it TOGETHER.

My husband and I did it, after he cheated. But it was a LOT of work. Marriage counseling, individual counseling, book work, dates, trips, assignments, weekly workbook nights, the list goes on. We did it all. And today we're great. But BOTH of us had to be all in or it never would have worked.

These books helped us.
For General Marriage Help (not only for couples going through infidelity:

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
"John Gottman has revolutionized the study of marriage by using rigorous scientific procedures to observe the habits of married couples in unprecedented detail over many years. Here is the culmination of his life''s work: the seven principles that guide couples on the path toward a harmonious and long-lasting relationship. Packed with practical questionnaires and exercises, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is the definitive guide for anyone who wants their relationship to attain its highest potential"

The Five Love Languages
"Of the countless ways we can show love to one another, five key categories, or five love languages, proved to be universal and comprehensive—everyone has a love language, and we all identify primarily with one of the five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.......The 5 Love Languages® has helped countless couples identify practical and powerful ways to express love, simply by using the appropriate love language. Many husbands and wives who had spent years struggling through marriages they thought were loveless discovered one or both spouses had long been showing love through messages that weren’t getting through. By recognizing their different love languages, they witnessed the rebirth of the love they thought had been gone for good."

Love Busters, His Needs Her Needs and the companion workbook 5 Steps to Romantic Love
"Dr. Harley helps couples understand why their best intentions are not enough to prevent marital incompatibility. in Love Busters, he helps couples avoid losing romantic love by recognizing and overcoming thoughtless and selfish habits. Couples must do more than want to meet each other's needs--they must actually meet them! The right needs are so strong that when they're not met in marriage, people are tempted to go outside marriage to satisfy them. But aside of the risk of affair, important emotional needs should be met for the sake of care itself. Marriage is a very special relationship. Dr. Harley describes the ten emotional needs of men and women. He helps you identify which are the most important to you and your spouse, helps you communicate them to each other, and helps you learn to meet them."

About Infidelity

Not Just Friends
"NOT "Just Friends" is the first book to shatter popular assumptions about infidelity, including: a happy marriage is insurance against infidelity; the betrayed partner must have ignored obvious clues; and the unfaithful partner was compensating for emotional or sexual deprivation in the marriage......Dr. Glass's scientific approach to infidelity is unique in its treatment of the betrayed partner's shock as a trauma. She helps couples cope with post-traumatic reactions and recover from the emotional roller coaster that follows deception, suspiciousness, and the shock of revelation."

Transcending Post-Infidelity Stress Disorder
"The phrase "broken heart" belies the real trauma behind the all-too-common occurrence of infidelity. Psychologist Dennis Ortman likens the psychological aftermath of sexual betrayal to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) in its origin and symptoms, including anxiety, irritability, rage, emotional numbing, and flashbacks. Using PTSD treatment as a model, Dr. Ortman will show you, step by step, how to:
• work through conflicting emotions
• Understand yourself and your partner
• Make important life decisions
Dr. Ortman sees recovery as a spiritual journey and draws on the wisdom of diverse faiths, from Christianity to Buddhism. He also offers exercises to deepen recovery, such as guided meditations and journaling, and explores heart-wrenchingly familiar case studies of couples struggling with monogamy. By the end of this book, you will have completed the six stages of healing and emerged with a whole heart, a full spirit, and the freedom to love again."
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
19,559 Posts
Limerance is what you feel for your affair partner. It is not love.

Here is how Wikipedia defines it:

The concept "of 'limerence' provides a particular carving up of the semantic domain of love",[7] and represents an attempt at a scientific study of the nature of love. Limerence is considered as a cognitive and emotional state of being emotionally attached to or even obsessed with another person, and is typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one's feelings—a near-obsessive form of romantic love.[8] For Tennov, "sexual attraction is an essential component of limerence ... the limerent is a potential sex partner".[9]

Limerence is sometimes also interpreted as infatuation, or what is colloquially known as a "crush". However, in common speech, infatuation includes aspects of immaturity and extrapolation from insufficient information, and is usually short-lived. Tennov notes how limerence "may dissolve soon after its initiation, as in an early teenage buzz-centered crush",[10] but she is more concerned with the point when "limerent bonds are characterized by 'entropy' crystallization as described by Stendhal in his 1821 treatise On Love, where a new love infatuation perceptually begins to transform ... [and] attractive characteristics are exaggerated and unattractive characteristics are given little or no attention ... [creating] a 'limerent object'".

According to Tennov, there are at least two types of love: limerence, which she describes as, among other things, "loving attachment", and "loving affection", the bond that exists between an individual and his or her parents and children.[11] She notes that one form may evolve into the other: "Those whose limerence was replaced by affectional bonding with the same partner might say ... 'We were very much in love when we married; today we love each other very much'".[12] The distinction is comparable to that drawn by ethologists "between the pair-forming and pair-maintaining functions of sexual activity",[6] just as "the attachment of the attachment theorists is very similar to the emotional reciprocation longed for in Tennov's limerence, and each is linked to sexuality".[13]

Limerence is characterized by intrusive thinking and pronounced sensitivity to external events that reflect the disposition of the limerent object towards the individual. It can be experienced as intense joy or as extreme despair, depending on whether the feelings are reciprocated. Basically, it is the state of being completely carried away by unreasoned passion or love, even to the point of addictive-type behavior. Usually, one is inspired with an intense passion or admiration for someone. Limerence can be difficult to understand for those who have never experienced it, and it is thus often dismissed by non-limerents as ridiculous fantasy or a construct of romantic fiction.[1]

Tennov differentiates between limerence and other emotions by asserting that love involves concern for the other person's welfare and feeling. While limerence does not require it, those concerns may certainly be incorporated. Affection and fondness exist only as a disposition towards another person, irrespective of whether those feelings are reciprocated, whereas limerence deeply desires reciprocation, but it remains unaltered whether it is returned or not. Physical contact with the object is neither essential nor sufficient to an individual experiencing limerence, unlike with one experiencing sexual attraction.[14] Where early, unhealthy attachment patterns or trauma influence limerence, the limerent object may be construed as an idealization of the figure or figures involved in the original unhealthy attachment or trauma. Lack of reciprocation may in such instances serve to reinforce lessons learned in earlier, unhealthy bonding experiences, and hence strengthen the limerence.
Your husband loves you. He loved you enough to not divorce you the first time he found out about your cheating. Do you want to trade that love for a fantasy?
 
1 - 20 of 145 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top