Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 20 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,003 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I have been reading over the 180 because at this point Im desperate for things to change or I want out....I think? (ask me tomorrow)

Some of the things I already do but some of the things sound so contradictory. For instance, how can you be distant without being considered "cold" and how can you be happy and be the person they want to be around when you're miserable and distancing yourself? It just seems impossible to be happy and distant at the same time!

When I am quiet and "distant" my H says to me "whats wrong with you, why are you p1ssy, why are you being so ****y, etc" I give him the typical answer "nothing, Im fine" but he knows. He's not stupid, just like I can read him like a book. If I am distant for too long he starts to get grouchy and then I feel like my actions are counter productive. So how are you supposed to be happy, cheerful and all that other rainbow and flowers stuff while you're pulling back?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
3,107 Posts
For instance, how can you be distant without being considered "cold" and how can you be happy and be the person they want to be around when you're miserable and distancing yourself? It just seems impossible to be happy and distant at the same time!
Think of it as changing the way you act around him from treating him like a spouse to treating him like an acquaintance. That's the distance you want. You don't want to share your feelings with him. Conversations about trivial things are fine. Conversations about family obligations or errands are fine. Conversations about deep, emotional stuff is not fine. You wouldn't discuss that stuff with a casual acquaintance, but you would be happy around that person.

If I am distant for too long he starts to get grouchy and then I feel like my actions are counter productive.
Part of the 180 is that you stop trying to affect him. If he gets grouchy, that's his problem. It's not your job to manage his emotions. If he wants a close, loving relationship with you, then he needs to put some effort into producing that. It's not counterproductive for you to make yourself more comfortable and him less so. That will bring about change. If you want to keep him comfortable, then just go back to the status quo.

Good luck.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
4,306 Posts
Exactly what they said.

He's not your husband. He's your...neighbor. A roommate. Would you cuddle a (Distant) roommate because they were grouchy...or grab your drink and your book and move to another room?

Be satisfied with your own actions. If you cook, it's okay to cook for two. But you don't need to worry about what HE would like. You cook what YOU would like. If he wants to eat it, that's fine.

The 180 means you stop catering to the spouse. Of COURSE that makes them grouchy. Expect it. Be civil and correct in your responses.

You are now a boat in the middle of the water. He wants you to putt putt your way over to him. He needs to jump off the dock and swim over to YOU.

Reward GOOD actions with good responses...but don't go overboard.

Men will think things are great until they are shown they aren't. Then they work until things feel 'great' again. So be slow with the responses...but not glacial.
 
  • Like
Reactions: thesunwillcomeout

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,003 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
Thank you for the responses, seeing you put it that way makes alot more sense to me.

It is going to be hard for me to follow through with all of this but Im going to work hard at it. I need something to change....desperately! I have always been so attentive and loving towards my husband that it will be a struggle to do something different. He is so used to the way that Ive been that I hope it doesnt complicate things more.

Its like a sick f*cking game you have to play with them and its ridiculous!
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
3,107 Posts
It is going to be hard for me to follow through with all of this but Im going to work hard at it. I need something to change....desperately! I have always been so attentive and loving towards my husband that it will be a struggle to do something different. He is so used to the way that Ive been that I hope it doesnt complicate things more.
MEM has a similar strategy that is very easy to understand. He calls it the thermostat approach. In the past, you have been hot and your husband has been cold, which produced a warm relationship. But it frustrates you to always put in much more effort than your husband.

So, going forward, just match your husband's effort. If he makes no effort to meet your needs, then make no effort to meet his. If he makes a moderate effort to meet your needs, match his effort. If he goes all out, you should do likewise. This way, your husband is in charge of the marriage. if he wants a warm marriage, as he's had in the past, he needs to be warm, which will result in you being warm.

And, using the thermostat approach, it's fine to tell him what is happening. Simply tell him that you're tired of placing a higher priority on him than he does on you. If he gets frustrated that you're not doing enough, be ready with some things he can do to get you more engaged.

I think MEM's thermostat approach, while similar to the 180, is a better approach for people trying to re-balance their marriage. The 180 is most effective when one spouse has checked out of the marriage.

Good luck.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,003 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
MEM has a similar strategy that is very easy to understand. He calls it the thermostat approach. In the past, you have been hot and your husband has been cold, which produced a warm relationship. But it frustrates you to always put in much more effort than your husband.

So, going forward, just match your husband's effort. If he makes no effort to meet your needs, then make no effort to meet his. If he makes a moderate effort to meet your needs, match his effort. If he goes all out, you should do likewise. This way, your husband is in charge of the marriage. if he wants a warm marriage, as he's had in the past, he needs to be warm, which will result in you being warm.

And, using the thermostat approach, it's fine to tell him what is happening. Simply tell him that you're tired of placing a higher priority on him than he does on you. If he gets frustrated that you're not doing enough, be ready with some things he can do to get you more engaged.

I think MEM's thermostat approach, while similar to the 180, is a better approach for people trying to re-balance their marriage. The 180 is most effective when one spouse has checked out of the marriage.

Good luck.
I have never heard of this specific approach but thinking about it I think this is what we are doing right now. When he's being distant I am distant. When he's loving, Im loving. This seems to work to an extent but I'd like to get more good out of him then bad. It seems definitely more likely to work in my situation then the 180. The funny thing is that when he's being stand offish and I start being that way he is constantly asking me "whats wrong, why are you mad, look at you being all arrogant" etc. The truth is that Im not being any of those things, Im being just like he is. Men are complicated!! Atleast mine is!
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
3,107 Posts
The funny thing is that when he's being stand offish and I start being that way he is constantly asking me "whats wrong, why are you mad, look at you being all arrogant" etc. The truth is that Im not being any of those things, Im being just like he is. Men are complicated!! Atleast mine is!
In that case, I think it's wrong to say that you're fine and nothing's wrong. That's a lie. I would just say that he seems like he wants some space, so you're giving it to him. That should either result in him warming up to you, or acknowledging that you have the right to be cool to him.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html
This is the thread where MEM discusses the thermostat method.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,003 Posts
Discussion Starter #9
In that case, I think it's wrong to say that you're fine and nothing's wrong. That's a lie. I would just say that he seems like he wants some space, so you're giving it to him. That should either result in him warming up to you, or acknowledging that you have the right to be cool to him.
Sometimes you just wanna hit yourself in the head and say "why didnt I think of that"...LOL I guess I have just gotten accustomed to saying nothing is wrong because if I began to list it all, I might never stop! I will say that the next time and see what kind of response I get!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,003 Posts
Discussion Starter #10
So Ive been trying to do the 180, which has been super hard for me because Im just not that person. Im very loving and affectionate despite WH's past. I figure if we are going to R then I have to do my part.

The last week I have been "distant", not communicating to him about our relationship in any way. Not asking when he is coming home, not asking how his day is or acting as if it matters to me at all. Last night he texted me that he was going to the gym and to meet him there at 630. I let him know that I wouldnt be there, I already had plans to get my hair done. I hadnt told him before hand. I got home and he came in shortly after. I was upstairs doing some stuff and didnt make it a priority to come down and greet him. When I did come down I mingled with the kids and let him sitting on the couch in the front room. When I finally did go into the front room and said "are you ready to eat dinner" he said "whats wrong with you". I said "nothing is wrong with me, I am hungry, are you ready to eat". We ate and throughout the night I was helping my youngest with homework and he was just watching me and saying "why are you pissy". I wasnt acting pissy at all I was just doing other things besides catering to him as I usually do. Then I fell asleep on the couch and when I woke up he asked why I was so tired lately (I wanted to smack him and say thats what happens when you are emotionally drained...idiot). That night we went to bed and who rolled over and cuddled with me? STRANGE! I allowed him to cuddle with me but didnt go out of my way to reciprocate. It was strange because if anyone cuddles its usually me with my arms around him.

I have also noticed in the last week I havent been as SAD about our relationship as I was before ALL THE TIME! I hope that I can keep this up....
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
4,306 Posts
PEOPLE (not just men) forget there is a price to pay in a relationship. But they don't always have something as simple as a price tag in front of them.

For example, I like to grab hold of my wife when passing. Not in a raunchy, 'Groping in the middle of the mall' approach, but a quick hug when passing behind her.

Frequently, I got flinches and shudders. Granted, she might be brushing her hair or washing the dishes, but really? A shudder? This was more 'I don't want to be touched right now' then disgust at the bolts in the side of my neck.

She's since realized that touch is huge to me and that her reactions were seen as rejections. But she had to learn that. Just like I had a bunch to learn.

Marriage requires a lot of 'on the job' training.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
620 Posts
Hi LetDown,
I just read your general situation and I feel for you. I may be able to help a bit.
I never told my story because we are through it now. But in a nutshell...I left my wife because I was unhappy. We were separated 7 months. I didn't cheat. My wife did a perfect 180 and after 7 months I said I was off course and wanted to make it right.

Some MC and a lot of IC. It took 5 more years till we were able to put it behind us. Now we are very happy.

The perfect 180 is when you...

Stay pleasant

Improve yourself

Have things to do without hubby

Don't beg

Don't push emotional conversations

Make him feel like he's missing out by not being with you

It helps when other men start to show interest in you

Maybe you show interest in other men (generally) but you don't want to give him a target or the ability to blame shift.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife did all this and I started to snap out of it. She actually had an EA but thats a whole other story. My issue was that she was emotionally overwhelming me and I was a tad disconnected. I just got tired of it and thought eventually someone else would not tax me so much.
The whole thing led to better communication, but I must say it was a tough 5 or 6 years.

Where do things stand right now with you?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,003 Posts
Discussion Starter #13
Hi LetDown,
I just read your general situation and I feel for you. I may be able to help a bit.
I never told my story because we are through it now. But in a nutshell...I left my wife because I was unhappy. We were separated 7 months. I didn't cheat. My wife did a perfect 180 and after 7 months I said I was off course and wanted to make it right.

Some MC and a lot of IC. It took 5 more years till we were able to put it behind us. Now we are very happy.

The perfect 180 is when you...

Stay pleasant

Improve yourself

Have things to do without hubby

Don't beg

Don't push emotional conversations

Make him feel like he's missing out by not being with you

It helps when other men start to show interest in you

Maybe you show interest in other men (generally) but you don't want to give him a target or the ability to blame shift.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife did all this and I started to snap out of it. She actually had an EA but thats a whole other story. My issue was that she was emotionally overwhelming me and I was a tad disconnected. I just got tired of it and thought eventually someone else would not tax me so much.
The whole thing led to better communication, but I must say it was a tough 5 or 6 years.

Where do things stand right now with you?
Hi Dogman,

Right now I have been doing the 180 for a couple of weeks. Its been hard. I have started only giving him what I get from him and nothing more. I do see some improvement but some days I'm so sad still that I don't know what to do with myself.

He came home early yesterday which was shocking and I jokingly asked if he was going to go trick or treating with us (he doesn't like to go and hasn't gone the last few years). He asked if our friends were going and I said no but that he didn't have to go. He went!

I have told him over the last few years that I wish I could become cold like he has, then maybe my heart wouldn't hurt so much because of him. In the last two weeks I think that my heart has turned a little cold...and I think he has noticed.

The other night at the gym he looked at me and said "I don't like your attitude lately" I said "what do you mean, I haven''t done or said anything", he said "you're just so arrogant acting lately". I told him it was the new me, I had decided I wasn't going to give him any more than I was getting from him. He said "I can live with that" which made me hate him for a few minutes! Then by the time we got home (separate cars) he was acting like everything was perfect in our world.

He just blows my mind on a daily basis!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
563 Posts
Hi Dogman,

Right now I have been doing the 180 for a couple of weeks. Its been hard. I have started only giving him what I get from him and nothing more. I do see some improvement but some days I'm so sad still that I don't know what to do with myself.

He came home early yesterday which was shocking and I jokingly asked if he was going to go trick or treating with us (he doesn't like to go and hasn't gone the last few years). He asked if our friends were going and I said no but that he didn't have to go. He went!

I have told him over the last few years that I wish I could become cold like he has, then maybe my heart wouldn't hurt so much because of him. In the last two weeks I think that my heart has turned a little cold...and I think he has noticed.

The other night at the gym he looked at me and said "I don't like your attitude lately" I said "what do you mean, I haven''t done or said anything", he said "you're just so arrogant acting lately". I told him it was the new me, I had decided I wasn't going to give him any more than I was getting from him. He said "I can live with that" which made me hate him for a few minutes! Then by the time we got home (separate cars) he was acting like everything was perfect in our world.

He just blows my mind on a daily basis!!
I don't have any good advice for you, NTX, but I just want you to know that I really feel for you and what you are going through. You have a soft heart (like I do), don't want to be hurt anymore and are doing the best you can. Best to you as you walk through this.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
788 Posts
I have been reading over the 180 because at this point Im desperate for things to change
The 180 is to help you move forward not to change things, at least as far as he's concerned. He is not part of the 180 equation. Only you are.

or I want out....I think? (ask me tomorrow)
That's part of what the 180 is for. To help you re-evaluate your life without his influence.

some of the things sound so contradictory. For instance, how can you be distant without being considered "cold" and how can you be happy and be the person they want to be around when you're miserable and distancing yourself?
You're too concerned about how he's going to interpret your demeanor.

That's not effective implementation of the 180.

Stop caring what he thinks.

It just seems impossible to be happy and distant at the same time!
Being happy and being distant from him are not mutually exclusive. You only make them that way because at the moment you can't be happy without him. That's on you, not on "the 180".

When I am quiet and "distant" my H says to me "whats wrong with you, why are you p1ssy, why are you being so ****y, etc" I give him the typical answer
I suggest telling him you aren't interested in speaking to him or answering his questions, how you feel, don't feel, how you act is not his concern.

If I am distant for too long he starts to get grouchy and then I feel like my actions are counter productive.
Your actions are not only counterproductive but they're completely ineffective IF you are doing them to change the way he responds to you which of course, you are.

Your entire thread comes down to you trying to act distant to win him back and that's a recipe for failure.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,003 Posts
Discussion Starter #16
I don't have any good advice for you, NTX, but I just want you to know that I really feel for you and what you are going through. You have a soft heart (like I do), don't want to be hurt anymore and are doing the best you can. Best to you as you walk through this.
Thank you Bobka....soft hearts aren't always a good thing...so Ive learned!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
620 Posts
Hi Dogman,

Right now I have been doing the 180 for a couple of weeks. Its been hard. I have started only giving him what I get from him and nothing more. I do see some improvement but some days I'm so sad still that I don't know what to do with myself.

He came home early yesterday which was shocking and I jokingly asked if he was going to go trick or treating with us (he doesn't like to go and hasn't gone the last few years). He asked if our friends were going and I said no but that he didn't have to go. He went!

I have told him over the last few years that I wish I could become cold like he has, then maybe my heart wouldn't hurt so much because of him. In the last two weeks I think that my heart has turned a little cold...and I think he has noticed.

The other night at the gym he looked at me and said "I don't like your attitude lately" I said "what do you mean, I haven''t done or said anything", he said "you're just so arrogant acting lately". I told him it was the new me, I had decided I wasn't going to give him any more than I was getting from him. He said "I can live with that" which made me hate him for a few minutes! Then by the time we got home (separate cars) he was acting like everything was perfect in our world.

He just blows my mind on a daily basis!!

The 180 should only be temporary to get you where you want to be. Try not to let it change you

In my experience people who are unfeeling try to make it seem like you are wrong for having feelings...it's a lie.

It took a lot for me to look honestly at my wrongness. We went to a MC and we both took a personality test. I scored off the charts for being messed up. My wife scored very normal and conscientious. So I looked objectively at myself and started to change things.

What can be done to get him to see himself objectively? So he can start to fix the thing that's broken inside of him. Make no mistake, a man that will pass up a 20 year marriage to an attractive woman who has been his best friend, because of basically some kind of boredom, is broken inside. He just hasn't admitted it yet.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,003 Posts
Discussion Starter #18
What can be done to get him to see himself objectively? So he can start to fix the thing that's broken inside of him. Make no mistake, a man that will pass up a 20 year marriage to an attractive woman who has been his best friend, because of basically some kind of boredom, is broken inside. He just hasn't admitted it yet.
I dont know that he will ever admit it...thats the crappy part because until he does I dont see us doing anything but spiraling out of control. I know in my heart I cant fix him but I sure have been trying like hell!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,319 Posts
As In the Wind said....the 180 is about you. You can not control another persons actions. The 180 is suppose to be about improving YOU, dont worry about him, worry about YOU. The changes in you, may or may not change him....if they do great if they dont great. Because either way you will be better. So PLEASE REMEMBER, and I know it is hard. The 180 is to make you a better person, for him or someone else. It is HARD to do. So sorry for your situation, stay tough.
 
1 - 20 of 20 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top