Think of it as changing the way you act around him from treating him like a spouse to treating him like an acquaintance. That's the distance you want. You don't want to share your feelings with him. Conversations about trivial things are fine. Conversations about family obligations or errands are fine. Conversations about deep, emotional stuff is not fine. You wouldn't discuss that stuff with a casual acquaintance, but you would be happy around that person.For instance, how can you be distant without being considered "cold" and how can you be happy and be the person they want to be around when you're miserable and distancing yourself? It just seems impossible to be happy and distant at the same time!
Part of the 180 is that you stop trying to affect him. If he gets grouchy, that's his problem. It's not your job to manage his emotions. If he wants a close, loving relationship with you, then he needs to put some effort into producing that. It's not counterproductive for you to make yourself more comfortable and him less so. That will bring about change. If you want to keep him comfortable, then just go back to the status quo.If I am distant for too long he starts to get grouchy and then I feel like my actions are counter productive.
MEM has a similar strategy that is very easy to understand. He calls it the thermostat approach. In the past, you have been hot and your husband has been cold, which produced a warm relationship. But it frustrates you to always put in much more effort than your husband.It is going to be hard for me to follow through with all of this but Im going to work hard at it. I need something to change....desperately! I have always been so attentive and loving towards my husband that it will be a struggle to do something different. He is so used to the way that Ive been that I hope it doesnt complicate things more.
I have never heard of this specific approach but thinking about it I think this is what we are doing right now. When he's being distant I am distant. When he's loving, Im loving. This seems to work to an extent but I'd like to get more good out of him then bad. It seems definitely more likely to work in my situation then the 180. The funny thing is that when he's being stand offish and I start being that way he is constantly asking me "whats wrong, why are you mad, look at you being all arrogant" etc. The truth is that Im not being any of those things, Im being just like he is. Men are complicated!! Atleast mine is!MEM has a similar strategy that is very easy to understand. He calls it the thermostat approach. In the past, you have been hot and your husband has been cold, which produced a warm relationship. But it frustrates you to always put in much more effort than your husband.
So, going forward, just match your husband's effort. If he makes no effort to meet your needs, then make no effort to meet his. If he makes a moderate effort to meet your needs, match his effort. If he goes all out, you should do likewise. This way, your husband is in charge of the marriage. if he wants a warm marriage, as he's had in the past, he needs to be warm, which will result in you being warm.
And, using the thermostat approach, it's fine to tell him what is happening. Simply tell him that you're tired of placing a higher priority on him than he does on you. If he gets frustrated that you're not doing enough, be ready with some things he can do to get you more engaged.
I think MEM's thermostat approach, while similar to the 180, is a better approach for people trying to re-balance their marriage. The 180 is most effective when one spouse has checked out of the marriage.
Good luck.
In that case, I think it's wrong to say that you're fine and nothing's wrong. That's a lie. I would just say that he seems like he wants some space, so you're giving it to him. That should either result in him warming up to you, or acknowledging that you have the right to be cool to him.The funny thing is that when he's being stand offish and I start being that way he is constantly asking me "whats wrong, why are you mad, look at you being all arrogant" etc. The truth is that Im not being any of those things, Im being just like he is. Men are complicated!! Atleast mine is!
Sometimes you just wanna hit yourself in the head and say "why didnt I think of that"...LOL I guess I have just gotten accustomed to saying nothing is wrong because if I began to list it all, I might never stop! I will say that the next time and see what kind of response I get!In that case, I think it's wrong to say that you're fine and nothing's wrong. That's a lie. I would just say that he seems like he wants some space, so you're giving it to him. That should either result in him warming up to you, or acknowledging that you have the right to be cool to him.
Hi Dogman,Hi LetDown,
I just read your general situation and I feel for you. I may be able to help a bit.
I never told my story because we are through it now. But in a nutshell...I left my wife because I was unhappy. We were separated 7 months. I didn't cheat. My wife did a perfect 180 and after 7 months I said I was off course and wanted to make it right.
Some MC and a lot of IC. It took 5 more years till we were able to put it behind us. Now we are very happy.
The perfect 180 is when you...
Stay pleasant
Improve yourself
Have things to do without hubby
Don't beg
Don't push emotional conversations
Make him feel like he's missing out by not being with you
It helps when other men start to show interest in you
Maybe you show interest in other men (generally) but you don't want to give him a target or the ability to blame shift.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife did all this and I started to snap out of it. She actually had an EA but thats a whole other story. My issue was that she was emotionally overwhelming me and I was a tad disconnected. I just got tired of it and thought eventually someone else would not tax me so much.
The whole thing led to better communication, but I must say it was a tough 5 or 6 years.
Where do things stand right now with you?
I don't have any good advice for you, NTX, but I just want you to know that I really feel for you and what you are going through. You have a soft heart (like I do), don't want to be hurt anymore and are doing the best you can. Best to you as you walk through this.Hi Dogman,
Right now I have been doing the 180 for a couple of weeks. Its been hard. I have started only giving him what I get from him and nothing more. I do see some improvement but some days I'm so sad still that I don't know what to do with myself.
He came home early yesterday which was shocking and I jokingly asked if he was going to go trick or treating with us (he doesn't like to go and hasn't gone the last few years). He asked if our friends were going and I said no but that he didn't have to go. He went!
I have told him over the last few years that I wish I could become cold like he has, then maybe my heart wouldn't hurt so much because of him. In the last two weeks I think that my heart has turned a little cold...and I think he has noticed.
The other night at the gym he looked at me and said "I don't like your attitude lately" I said "what do you mean, I haven''t done or said anything", he said "you're just so arrogant acting lately". I told him it was the new me, I had decided I wasn't going to give him any more than I was getting from him. He said "I can live with that" which made me hate him for a few minutes! Then by the time we got home (separate cars) he was acting like everything was perfect in our world.
He just blows my mind on a daily basis!!
The 180 is to help you move forward not to change things, at least as far as he's concerned. He is not part of the 180 equation. Only you are.I have been reading over the 180 because at this point Im desperate for things to change
That's part of what the 180 is for. To help you re-evaluate your life without his influence.or I want out....I think? (ask me tomorrow)
You're too concerned about how he's going to interpret your demeanor.some of the things sound so contradictory. For instance, how can you be distant without being considered "cold" and how can you be happy and be the person they want to be around when you're miserable and distancing yourself?
Being happy and being distant from him are not mutually exclusive. You only make them that way because at the moment you can't be happy without him. That's on you, not on "the 180".It just seems impossible to be happy and distant at the same time!
I suggest telling him you aren't interested in speaking to him or answering his questions, how you feel, don't feel, how you act is not his concern.When I am quiet and "distant" my H says to me "whats wrong with you, why are you p1ssy, why are you being so ****y, etc" I give him the typical answer
Your actions are not only counterproductive but they're completely ineffective IF you are doing them to change the way he responds to you which of course, you are.If I am distant for too long he starts to get grouchy and then I feel like my actions are counter productive.
Thank you Bobka....soft hearts aren't always a good thing...so Ive learned!!I don't have any good advice for you, NTX, but I just want you to know that I really feel for you and what you are going through. You have a soft heart (like I do), don't want to be hurt anymore and are doing the best you can. Best to you as you walk through this.
Hi Dogman,
Right now I have been doing the 180 for a couple of weeks. Its been hard. I have started only giving him what I get from him and nothing more. I do see some improvement but some days I'm so sad still that I don't know what to do with myself.
He came home early yesterday which was shocking and I jokingly asked if he was going to go trick or treating with us (he doesn't like to go and hasn't gone the last few years). He asked if our friends were going and I said no but that he didn't have to go. He went!
I have told him over the last few years that I wish I could become cold like he has, then maybe my heart wouldn't hurt so much because of him. In the last two weeks I think that my heart has turned a little cold...and I think he has noticed.
The other night at the gym he looked at me and said "I don't like your attitude lately" I said "what do you mean, I haven''t done or said anything", he said "you're just so arrogant acting lately". I told him it was the new me, I had decided I wasn't going to give him any more than I was getting from him. He said "I can live with that" which made me hate him for a few minutes! Then by the time we got home (separate cars) he was acting like everything was perfect in our world.
He just blows my mind on a daily basis!!
I dont know that he will ever admit it...thats the crappy part because until he does I dont see us doing anything but spiraling out of control. I know in my heart I cant fix him but I sure have been trying like hell!What can be done to get him to see himself objectively? So he can start to fix the thing that's broken inside of him. Make no mistake, a man that will pass up a 20 year marriage to an attractive woman who has been his best friend, because of basically some kind of boredom, is broken inside. He just hasn't admitted it yet.
