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History: Husband that is a cheater, has multiple DUI's, no license, and continues to drink and drive with my children in the car. Has narcissitic personality traits and after years of failed promises to change I finally said DONE and filed for divorce. He is now not drinking and not driving trying to prove he is worthy. (I've heard this one too many times) I have (temporary) full custody of kids while we work out an agreement. He is spending some time throughout the week and weekends with kids at my house to help them through this transition. They love their father and the last thing I want to do is keep them from him. I waited to file for so long with hopes that he would change and I could keep my children's father in the home.

Financially: I make a little over 100,000 more than him a year. He makes good money as a project manager but has never managed it will. He never put into his retirement account even though myself and accountant told him to year after year. He didn't help pay for upgrades around the house (150,000 worth of remodel). He never helped pay for vacations. He never helped pay for Chrismtas's (for 3 kids). It has always caused arguments but I paid anyways because I wanted nice things/experiences for me and kids.

Divorce struggle: Going through all this paperwork and talking to lawyers, realizing after everything he put me through and never helped me with over the years... it doesn't matter. I still owe him half. Half of everything. Half of the house I paid for. Half of the retirement account I built up to protect me in retirement. He will even get child support from me if we split custody even though he has the means to financially support himself.

I offered him $60,000 to call it even and make it fair. He declined and wants every penny.

How do you all deal with this financial ruin? It is devastating to think I have worked so hard to put myself and my children in a good spot with our home and finances and I have to turn around and give it to my spouse that has been so careless over the years. I understand now why people don't get divorced and turn to drinking. Is this what depression feels like?
 

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Well first you leave the victim chair and accept that you stuck around and put up with this, and the longer you go on the more you'll owe him. Sunk cost fallacy.

Give him his half and be done....it's the price of your freedom, as my father told me when I left my kids father. 15 years later I'm doing quite well.

You'll still have plenty of money making potential and he'll still be a drunken bum who will blow through it and be broke soon enough.
 

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History: Husband that is a cheater, has multiple DUI's, no license, and continues to drink and drive with my children in the car. Has narcissitic personality traits and after years of failed promises to change I finally said DONE and filed for divorce. He is now not drinking and not driving trying to prove he is worthy. (I've heard this one too many times) I have (temporary) full custody of kids while we work out an agreement. He is spending some time throughout the week and weekends with kids at my house to help them through this transition. They love their father and the last thing I want to do is keep them from him. I waited to file for so long with hopes that he would change and I could keep my children's father in the home.

Financially: I make a little over 100,000 more than him a year. He makes good money as a project manager but has never managed it will. He never put into his retirement account even though myself and accountant told him to year after year. He didn't help pay for upgrades around the house (150,000 worth of remodel). He never helped pay for vacations. He never helped pay for Chrismtas's (for 3 kids). It has always caused arguments but I paid anyways because I wanted nice things/experiences for me and kids.

Divorce struggle: Going through all this paperwork and talking to lawyers, realizing after everything he put me through and never helped me with over the years... it doesn't matter. I still owe him half. Half of everything. Half of the house I paid for. Half of the retirement account I built up to protect me in retirement. He will even get child support from me if we split custody even though he has the means to financially support himself.

I offered him $60,000 to call it even and make it fair. He declined and wants every penny.

How do you all deal with this financial ruin? It is devastating to think I have worked so hard to put myself and my children in a good spot with our home and finances and I have to turn around and give it to my spouse that has been so careless over the years. I understand now why people don't get divorced and turn to drinking. Is this what depression feels like?
It is what it is. When you're married it's ours not his and mine. I make more than my wife, I don't think I have ever thought once I was paying for this or that. What I make is ours, we are paying for things, I'm not paying for them. In the past 10 years I have generated a very significant amount of wealth for the family. If for some reason we got divorced she would get half, it is what it is. I'm not saying it wouldn't suck, you just have to accept that reality and not dwell on thinking it's unfair. Focus on living your new life free of his drama, dwell on what you're gaining not what you're losing.
 

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You aren't getting divorced and giving him half of your assets, etc. You're actually making a payment on your future. He's a drunk and drunks are liabilities financially, socially, and professionally. If he got into a wreck and got sued the assets he'd be paying with would be marital assets, part yours, for example. And when he declines physcially as alcoholics tend to do? Then you're left with paying the bills primarily or totally alone while dealing with caring for him as his body and mind fall apart from the long term effects of drink. No one wants to hang out with the nice lady and her drunk husband. And having an alcoholic husband with DUI's etc tends to put off employers and can cause real professional harm if your reputation matters at all in your field.

By getting divorced you are showing your kids marriage to a drunk or other addict should not be tolerated and you're relieving yourself of an overall liability that could cost you far more than you're paying out now.
 

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You clearly earn a lot of money so you will still be having a great lifestyle. Besides that in marriage everything should be joint money not your or his.
Honestly if I had the money you have I wouldnt be worried about this.
 

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You will be surprised how well you recover financially once you rid yourself of an irresponsible spouse. I always made good money but while married we always seemed to be barely getting ahead financially. By the time the divorce was done I thought I would never recover, but I was wrong.

I'm a man but kept the kids with me, bought out her equity in our home, gave up half my 401(k), paid spousal support, received zero child support, fully paid for my kids college, etc., etc. Divorced at 48, debt free 4 years later, retired at 58 (never would have been possible if I would have stayed married)

Simply the ability to manage money as an individual was the key, I believe you will find the same result. It sucks to pay out so much and start over, but over time you can recover very well when free of a financially reckless spouse.
 

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You say you are making 100k MORE than him a year?

Which means you are pulling down huge money--probably 200k or more.

Even after losing half your physical assets and some money in the retirement account, etc., you are doing better than 90% of the US population.

I think you need to put things in perspective
 

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You'll get through it ok. Typically it's the guy who is the breadwinner but of course there are exceptions. Marriage is a financial contract, thinly covered with lots of pretty flowers, shiny rings and broken promises.

Everything gained or lost during the marriage is "ours" not yours or his. Accept it, don't blame the laws or the courts, no one forced you to marry- and you'll be more at peace with the whole process.

With your level of income eventually you'll be ahead of the game but it will take time.

Hopefully the support you'll be paying him will be of relatively short duration but that's very state dependent. To get an idea of the amount and tenure of the monthly spousal maintenance check for a calculator that is specific to your state.
 

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You say you are making 100k MORE than him a year?

Which means you are pulling down huge money--probably 200k or more.

Even after losing half your physical assets and some money in the retirement account, etc., you are doing better than 90% of the US population.

I think you need to put things in perspective
Agreed. If I had had 1/5th of that income after my divorce I would have felt like the Queen!
 

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You will be surprised how well you recover financially once you rid yourself of an irresponsible spouse. I always made good money but while married we always seemed to be barely getting ahead financially. By the time the divorce was done I thought I would never recover, but I was wrong.

I'm a man but kept the kids with me, bought out her equity in our home, gave up half my 401(k), paid spousal support, received zero child support, fully paid for my kids college, etc., etc. Divorced at 48, debt free 4 years later, retired at 58 (never would have been possible if I would have stayed married)

Simply the ability to manage money as an individual was the key, I believe you will find the same result. It sucks to pay out so much and start over, but over time you can recover very well when free of a financially reckless spouse.
QFT. A good friend of mine went through a divorce from her hb of 20 years....she made 6 figures and he never kept a job. They didn’t have much because he spent everything she made but she paid him his half of what they had.

Three years later she has more money without him spending everything and he blew through his half and is still a bum. He found a stupid woman willing to support him and take him on as a project.

You don't realize how much he's sucking you dry.
 

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You realize it's only money & you will make more. Then you thank your lucky stars that he did not kill one of your children while they were in the car. Their lives are priceless. You also pay whatever you have to pay to get out before his drinking does kill somebody & that somebody's family sues YOU.
 
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