[Gunthar]

Hi All,

Looking for guidance on how to handle my wife's ongoing EAs?

I posted my situation in the Ladies Lounge so if you are interested in the details look there.

Brief summary:

--Marriage of 8 years tanked in summer
--Wife puts all on blame on me (I know it is 50/50 but that is not how she views it). Note: NO cheating by myself or my wife (physically). Basically it was the classic drifting apart due to family as well as my over the top mr. niceguy attitude which caused her to be attracted to the alpha male type......wandering eyes....and thoughts....see below.
--I have started counseling, reading the many books mentioned here and am in a much better place)

Fast forward to now:
--I am working on myself (no more mr. nice guy, etc.), exercise, feeling pretty good.
--Marriage ok.....no fights in a while, I am trying to build our relationship by working on various items.....being active by focusing on what we need to do to have a better future together.

--Now the kicker: My wife is not really trying...sure she is not as sarcastic or evil to me.....then again I am not allowing that behavior anymore so I shut it down......but:

Thru snooping I found out my wife is having a EA with 2 guys. She thinks about them daily and spends much more time thinking about them than thinking/working on our marriage.

Now I am at peace enough with myself to feel good about not confronting her (I know 2 schools of thought here). I want her to make the decision about them or the new/better me. I feel if I force her hand then that could be problematic on many sides. If she decides to take it to PA then great....she ended it...all her fault.....marriage over. If she ends the EA/PA then wonderful.....we should be able to move forward together.

The EAs: I am having a hard time dealing with the knowledge of the EAs, Her daily worries are interacting with them via text (to her they are just friends and says nothing is going on) and worrying about her looks (she has begun working out and is always talking about/working on her looks). I know it is more than just friends due to her DAILY computer searches looking up sexual attraction, flirting, younger men/older women relationships (one EA is 20 years younger), alpha male attraction (I am classic beta and am working on being more balanced). I also know she is highly attracted to them as she talks about it with her friends via text......her EA talk does go into our marriage as well.....crossing the line IMHO.

Any guidance on how I should deal with these EAs internally or how I should deal with my wife when any of these EAs are brought up? If I can deal with this in a better way then I feel my daily routines would be much easier to manage (I think about them a bit too much as you can see). I would also love to see her put some of this EA effort into our marriage.....but of course cannot force her to which is why I am working on myself hoping she sees me in a better light.

Thanks for looking!!!!

 

[survivorwife]

Well, until you finally realize that EAs are cheating, and act upon that reality, then nothing will change. She has to end them all, or you have to end them for her. That is the choice you must face in order to recover your marriage.

My WS had multiple EAs. Still does as near as I can tell. We are separated at this time, and I have filed for D. While he admits that what he did (and is still doing) is wrong, he has yet to come out of the fog and see that there is no room in a marriage with other people.

Your WS is confiding in these people. She is sharing her life with them. She is doing the sort of research that indicates her intent of changing these EA to PAs. She is not into the marriage, and is only using you for the familiarity and comfort that it bring her life. You have to "rattle the cage" to get her to wake up and smell the reality.

If you are willing to "settle" for things as they are, then do nothing. She will eventually have her PA and, if the OM is worthy, will leave you. However, on the other hand, if your intention is to try to save the marriage, then you have to act. Now. Expose the EAs. Insist she stop. Send no contact letters. Keylog the computer and put spyware on the computer. Stop these EAs now. Otherwise it will get worse.

 

[Helios]

Sounds like you're already getting started on the 180, keep up with that. Collect a circumstantial amount of evidence by using keyloggers, cell phone bills, VARs ect. If she doesn't start turning around during your 180 and you feel the need to expose than drop all the evidence on her and expose her to everyone, friends and family. However don't let her know how you obtained the evidence regardless of what she says.
Posted via Mobile Device

 

[Cubby]

Gunthar, waiting for her to make a decision about whether or not she ends or continues the EAs (possible PAs?) on her own is not a good choice. A real man would never let his wife carry on a relationship with another man. Put a stop to that now.

You seem like a nice, thoughtful man, which she isn't attracted to. Well, now it's time to get tough with her. Demand that the EAs stop. Do it calmly, yet in a firm and confident way. Tell her you're serious about divorce if she doesn't stop. You might not realize it, but she will be more attracted to you and respect you much more by taking this stand. In fact she's already been very clear in her preference for alpha. So why would you let her carry on with other guys? Allowing other men into your marriage is weak.

Before you take your stand make sure you have all the evidence. Also don't assume she hasn't been physical with the predators. I know you don't want to think that, but don't rule it out. Confronting too soon is a common mistake. If you don't have airtight evidence she'll gaslight you, make you appear crazy, etc.

 

[Shaggy]

You need to quickly read Married Man Sex Life and get working on the MAP plan. That will increase your sex rank and make her take more notice of you.

btw - the book isn't a sex book, it's just got a bad title!!

Also find out all about the other guys and especially if they have wifes/gf - and be prepared to explode things though exposure if they take it to the next level and start sexting/caming/meeting up.

 

[Cubby]

Gunthar, familiarize yourself with what's called the "fog." There's info here on the forum. That's what your wife is in right now and that's why you can't "nice" her out of this. Each time she's in contact with these guys she gets a chemical rush of dopamine. It's the same thing drug addicts experience. It's the feel-good chemical that gets released every time she gets a notification of a new text, or a new email from her partners, or anytime she's in contact with them. Don't underestimate the power of dopamine.

You're simply in the way of this fantasy world she's constructing with her alpha-boys. That's why she treats you with contempt. And being a nice guy just magnifies her contempt for you.

 

[GotMeWonderingNow]

Gunthar; time to take a stand buddy! Especially if you have been working on yourself. Nothing says you cannot keep working on yourself, just do it whilst making your stand. Don't allow this to continue!

 

[Gunthar]

Sounds like you're already getting started on the 180, keep up with that. Collect a circumstantial amount of evidence by using keyloggers, cell phone bills, VARs ect. If she doesn't start turning around during your 180 and you feel the need to expose than drop all the evidence on her and expose her to everyone, friends and family. However don't let her know how you obtained the evidence regardless of what she says.
Posted via Mobile Device

Helios, that was exactly my plan......wait for a while and see if she decides on me or keep up with EA or go PA.....if no change or PA in future then drop bomb......which would be huge as one is married with kids and the other, while single, is in a key position in a school/sports.

Evidence of EAs: Not airtight. Text messages are telling but not so graphic that it is obvious. Also, internet searches tells me she is dreaming of things beyond our marriage (that she could flip around and say they were about me.....not one of her searches was on husband but on men, married men, young men (I am older than her), etc.). So unfortunately not airtight yet which is why I figured to wait it out a bit more.

It is also interesting many replies say I should call her out now. I read a few posts of people warning of doing this because my wife may say ok...but go deep underground and continue to seek out EAs more secretively. It then may be months or years until you find out again. I want her to decide without me pressuring her to decide. That way I will know where her heart is. If I force her maybe she is not ready to decide or want cake and eat it too for which she will lie about her true feelings.....and the marriage continues for who knows how long in agony.

What also gives me some hope is while she is in the EAs, she is also being more nice and caring to me than in many years. I attribute this to my not being the mr. niceguy, taking a stand, not catering to her every need and more focusing on myself. She has made many comments asking what I am doing or why am I doing that, talking to me more and initiating first.....her curiosity has been triggered.

Maybe Cubby has a point and she is wondering where I now stand on the sex rank thing......maybe I am moving up a notch or two....need to keep it going (as you can see I do want to make it work but time seems to be against me).

Wrong way to think? Someone please slap some reality into me if needed.

 

[aug]

Wait.

In the meantime, prepare your finance and asset. Dont have joint bank accounts, credit cards, loans, etc. Insulate your monies.

Keep copies of all your evidence. Have a copy offsite. And make sure she doesnt find the ones you have at home.


If it went PA or when it's time to move on, you are more than prepared and will not come across as beta.

 

[alte Dame]

I think that reading the recommended books, doing a 180, and gathering evidence is all advisable.

From a female perspective, though, I would say that you shouldn't wait her out. I think you should vocally man up - tell her you know what's happening, you won't tolerate it in your marriage, either she's an honorable wife, or not. It's her decision (always is, isn't it?). If she can't be a wife that you can respect, then you need to know it & you will respond accordingly. Then go 180 and stay outwardly very strong.

It's almost embarrassing to admit, but women really do like men to be strong, self-assured, to the point, even if it makes their lives more difficult.

 

[aug]

At a certain point you'll need to fire a general warning shot across her bow. Try something like: I'm not okay with sharing my wife with someone else. Or, I'm not okay with my wife pursuing another man.

Maybe others may have better phrasing?

 

[turnera]

My wife is not really trying
Thru snooping I found out my wife is having a EA with 2 guys. She thinks about them daily and spends much more time thinking about them than thinking/working on our marriage.

I'm sure you know it, but the reason she ISN'T trying is because those guys are meeting her Emotional Needs now, and she no longer needs you to do it.

And it will continue unless you put your foot down and fight the affairs. "Either stop contacting other men or I'm separating/divorcing."

There is no other choice.

 

[turnera]

I want her to decide without me pressuring her to decide.

And what makes you think she would suddenly just wake up and say 'oh, Gunthar's so sexy and strong, those other guys are trash' on her own?

Do you what women want most? A strong man. Who respects himself and will NOT play second fiddle. She WANTS him to fight for her, to say no more, to say you belong to me.

The longer you sit back and wait the angrier she gets with you.

 

[turnera]

At a certain point you'll need to fire a general warning shot across her bow. Try something like: I'm not okay with sharing my wife with someone else. Or, I'm not okay with my wife pursuing another man.

Maybe others may have better phrasing?

"I know you're having emotional affairs with at least two men and I won't stay married to someone who will do that. If you won't give them up, I will make plans to separate."

 

[Cubby]

It is also interesting many replies say I should call her out now. I read a few posts of people warning of doing this because my wife may say ok...but go deep underground and continue to seek out EAs more secretively. It then may be months or years until you find out again. I want her to decide without me pressuring her to decide. That way I will know where her heart is. If I force her maybe she is not ready to decide or want cake and eat it too for which she will lie about her true feelings.....and the marriage continues for who knows how long in agony.

What also gives me some hope is while she is in the EAs, she is also being more nice and caring to me than in many years. I attribute this to my not being the mr. niceguy, taking a stand, not catering to her every need and more focusing on myself. She has made many comments asking what I am doing or why am I doing that, talking to me more and initiating first.....her curiosity has been triggered.

Maybe Cubby has a point and she is wondering where I now stand on the sex rank thing......maybe I am moving up a notch or two....

You can't let make HER decide whether to continue the EAs, YOU have to decide. And you have to demand that, if she is to remain as your wife she stops communicating with other men! Because if she is getting away with it now, it will continue. I don't care if you're turning into a bodybuilder at the gym, or walking around the house wearing a toolbelt or going hunting on weekends or any other manly activities, she's going to keep getting her feel-good fix from these NEW and EXCITING guys. While you might be improving yourself, it won't be enough to get her to stop as long as you have a weak, limp attitude of letting her cake-eat.

 

[Toffer]

Save your counseling money. She's carrying on affairs and counseling won't help when there's more than two in a marriage.

Use the money you save as a down payment on a retainer for a good divorce lawyer. Sounds like you're going to need it

 

[alte Dame]

You can't let make HER decide whether to continue the EAs, YOU have to decide. And you have to demand that, if she is to remain as your wife she stops communicating with other men!

Laying down the law is much easier than you think. You just have to have the self-discipline to do it. No hand-wringing, no waffling, no worrying about unintended consequences. You should accept that her behavior is out of your control now, so you have to control what you do. And you can do that with strength and maturity.

Say, "You're having inappropriate contact with other men. I won't have a marriage like that. It's up to you - either stop what you're doing and be a real wife, or accept that I will walk. "
When she gets angry, starts to sputter, you say, "I've said all I need to say. Ball's in your court."

And mean it. Walk away and stay strong. Let her deal with the new you. No matter what happens, you can live with yourself.

 

[Gunthar]

Laying down the law is much easier than you think.
Say, "You're having inappropriate contact with other men. I won't have a marriage like that. It's up to you - either stop what you're doing and be a real wife, or accept that I will walk. "
When she gets angry, starts to sputter, you say, "I've said all I need to say. Ball's in your court."

And mean it. Walk away and stay strong. Let her deal with the new you. No matter what happens, you can live with yourself.

Wow...that is fantastic advice.....all of you!

I guess my biggest problem is that I am not 100% sure it is a full blown EA....yes she talks with them....yes, she does talk about personal stuff, yes, she has the hots for the other men and she definitely wonders if they are attracted to her as well (I know for certain via her internet searches). I am not sure if they have the same feelings for her as all I have seen so far is texting and only a couple of meetings (most with me present). My biggest worry is her "dreaming" of these fellows and if they are hot for her too (for which if they do then I am certain things will get worse).

Well, I guess even so she is having unhealthy feelings for other men.........I should not let her decide on them or me so I should force her hand. Understand that with dopamine fueling these interactions she is not rationale so something must be done. Well, wish me luck. Next time I catch her interacting inappropriately I will confront.....no beta male....lay it down. I will let you know how it turns out...thanks again :smthumbup:

 

[turnera]

Also remember that your marriage may well survive a temporary separation during which she goes and does what she THINKS she needs to do (try on new men). Assuming you'd still want her back, that may allow her time to go through her drug withdrawal and get her senses back.

 

[Gunthar]

Also remember that your marriage may well survive a temporary separation during which she goes and does what she THINKS she needs to do (try on new men). Assuming you'd still want her back, that may allow her time to go through her drug withdrawal and get her senses back.

Well....back in my old beta male days I would have probably wanted her back......now I feel perfectly comfortable in saying "you're outta here",......game over.