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103 Posts
Hi All,
Looking for guidance on how to handle my wife's ongoing EAs?
I posted my situation in the Ladies Lounge so if you are interested in the details look there.
Brief summary:
--Marriage of 8 years tanked in summer
--Wife puts all on blame on me (I know it is 50/50 but that is not how she views it). Note: NO cheating by myself or my wife (physically). Basically it was the classic drifting apart due to family as well as my over the top mr. niceguy attitude which caused her to be attracted to the alpha male type......wandering eyes....and thoughts....see below.
--I have started counseling, reading the many books mentioned here and am in a much better place)
Fast forward to now:
--I am working on myself (no more mr. nice guy, etc.), exercise, feeling pretty good.
--Marriage ok.....no fights in a while, I am trying to build our relationship by working on various items.....being active by focusing on what we need to do to have a better future together.
--Now the kicker: My wife is not really trying...sure she is not as sarcastic or evil to me.....then again I am not allowing that behavior anymore so I shut it down......but:
Thru snooping I found out my wife is having a EA with 2 guys. She thinks about them daily and spends much more time thinking about them than thinking/working on our marriage.
Now I am at peace enough with myself to feel good about not confronting her (I know 2 schools of thought here). I want her to make the decision about them or the new/better me. I feel if I force her hand then that could be problematic on many sides. If she decides to take it to PA then great....she ended it...all her fault.....marriage over. If she ends the EA/PA then wonderful.....we should be able to move forward together.
The EAs: I am having a hard time dealing with the knowledge of the EAs, Her daily worries are interacting with them via text (to her they are just friends and says nothing is going on) and worrying about her looks (she has begun working out and is always talking about/working on her looks). I know it is more than just friends due to her DAILY computer searches looking up sexual attraction, flirting, younger men/older women relationships (one EA is 20 years younger), alpha male attraction (I am classic beta and am working on being more balanced). I also know she is highly attracted to them as she talks about it with her friends via text......her EA talk does go into our marriage as well.....crossing the line IMHO.
Any guidance on how I should deal with these EAs internally or how I should deal with my wife when any of these EAs are brought up? If I can deal with this in a better way then I feel my daily routines would be much easier to manage (I think about them a bit too much as you can see). I would also love to see her put some of this EA effort into our marriage.....but of course cannot force her to which is why I am working on myself hoping she sees me in a better light.
Thanks for looking!!!!
Looking for guidance on how to handle my wife's ongoing EAs?
I posted my situation in the Ladies Lounge so if you are interested in the details look there.
Brief summary:
--Marriage of 8 years tanked in summer
--Wife puts all on blame on me (I know it is 50/50 but that is not how she views it). Note: NO cheating by myself or my wife (physically). Basically it was the classic drifting apart due to family as well as my over the top mr. niceguy attitude which caused her to be attracted to the alpha male type......wandering eyes....and thoughts....see below.
--I have started counseling, reading the many books mentioned here and am in a much better place)
Fast forward to now:
--I am working on myself (no more mr. nice guy, etc.), exercise, feeling pretty good.
--Marriage ok.....no fights in a while, I am trying to build our relationship by working on various items.....being active by focusing on what we need to do to have a better future together.
--Now the kicker: My wife is not really trying...sure she is not as sarcastic or evil to me.....then again I am not allowing that behavior anymore so I shut it down......but:
Thru snooping I found out my wife is having a EA with 2 guys. She thinks about them daily and spends much more time thinking about them than thinking/working on our marriage.
Now I am at peace enough with myself to feel good about not confronting her (I know 2 schools of thought here). I want her to make the decision about them or the new/better me. I feel if I force her hand then that could be problematic on many sides. If she decides to take it to PA then great....she ended it...all her fault.....marriage over. If she ends the EA/PA then wonderful.....we should be able to move forward together.
The EAs: I am having a hard time dealing with the knowledge of the EAs, Her daily worries are interacting with them via text (to her they are just friends and says nothing is going on) and worrying about her looks (she has begun working out and is always talking about/working on her looks). I know it is more than just friends due to her DAILY computer searches looking up sexual attraction, flirting, younger men/older women relationships (one EA is 20 years younger), alpha male attraction (I am classic beta and am working on being more balanced). I also know she is highly attracted to them as she talks about it with her friends via text......her EA talk does go into our marriage as well.....crossing the line IMHO.
Any guidance on how I should deal with these EAs internally or how I should deal with my wife when any of these EAs are brought up? If I can deal with this in a better way then I feel my daily routines would be much easier to manage (I think about them a bit too much as you can see). I would also love to see her put some of this EA effort into our marriage.....but of course cannot force her to which is why I am working on myself hoping she sees me in a better light.
Thanks for looking!!!!