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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
This is pretty much going to be a verbal diary of my past 3 years, so if you're in the mood for some boring nonsense, read on...

I'm trying to deal with feelings I have for a married woman. I met her 3 years ago when she was hired into my department. When I met her, I pretty much instantly fell in love with her. When I learned that she was married and had a son, I was understandably disappointed. I pretty much subconsciously filed these feelings away in the "oh well" folder and continued on in my search for a partner.

In the spring of 2010, I learned that a new girl was going to be hired into our department, and that she was single. I was given her name, so I checked out her Facebook profile and found some pictures of her. On paper, she was quite attractive. Nice face, great body. When she joined the company, the two of us were introduced. That week she started messaging me on Facebook, and we started having regular phone conversations. A few weeks later, we decided to try being boyfriend and girlfriend. Still, I found myself struggling, trying to drum up the same types of feelings for her that I had for the other special girl.

1 month turned into 2 months which turned into 2.5 years. That brings us to pretty much present time, and basically nothing has changed. Our relationship is great in many ways. We're like best friends. We have a very non-volatile relationship, and we spend a day or 2 together on most weekends. Any more than that and we start to get on each other's nerves.

I've been pretty much completely honest with my girlfriend about my feelings, except I haven't told her the name of the girl I'm in love with. She knows that I don't feel "love" for her, and while it can be hard for her to accept, our relationship continues on. I've tried to break up with her on 2 or 3 occasions, but upon seeing how much it hurt her, I didn't have the heart to go through with it.

Me and my secret love continue to work in the same office. We were actually recently relocated, and now instead of working on a different floor, she works just down the hall from me. I see her walk by my desk several times a day, and at times seeing her body in her great clothes just drives me crazy. I've dealt with this for months, not really thinking much about it, assuming it to be just something I need to bear and deal with.

We continue to interact with each other almost on a daily basis. This mostly involves her walking by my desk, smiling at me and saying hi. Though she's a friendly person, in all these years I can't remember seeing her do this with anyone else. Now that I think about it, my feelings for her often come out in small gestures. When we see each other in the hall, kitchen, etc, I say "Hi [her name]!" in that kind of tone of voice that really means "I'm happy to see you!". I normally hate small talk, but with her it just seems automatic. At times I compliment her on how she's dressed (no really, she dresses herself THAT good), and she's done the same to me. One time, by coincidence, we happened to be going to the same place for ice cream at the exact same time. So I treated her to ice cream which seemed to make her very happy. I never had any ulterior motive behind any of these actions. It just makes me so happy when I do this, and when I do something that makes her smile, it gives me those "butterfly" feelings in my chest.

Recently, we were talking about vacation destinations, and I mentioned that I was thinking about going somewhere tropical with my girlfriend sometime in the future. My secret love instant-messaged me at work, asking me what the situation was between me and my girlfriend, and if we're planning on getting married. I explained to her, well no, because I don't love her. Then I pretty much opened up her like a faucet (regarding my girlfriend) and explained all the dynamics in our relationship. I explained that I decided to be with her because I needed a companion at the time and she was "good enough".

I then went on to explain that one of the reasons I can't marry her is that I know the feeling of love, that I feel it for other girls, and I don't feel it with my girlfriend. She then asked me "Really, any girls in particular that you're in love with?" I somewhat dodged the question by saying no, no "eligible" girls. She voiced her opinion that it's not fair for me keep her in a relationship if we're not meant for each other. I agreed, saying we've been telling each other that for a long time. I also told her in our conversation that I've been thinking about breaking up with her (which is true). She basically said "Good luck, I know you'll do the right thing..."

At the time we had that conversation, it felt very good to let some of those feelings out. However, that evening, I took an emotional nosedive. I realized that I've been suppressing feelings for her all these years, assuming that the type of love I feel for her was reserved for girls who were out of my reach. That night, I saw some posts on Facebook about a different girl that recently received her divorce finalization papers, her "best Christmas present ever", and is now with the love with her life. All her friends were congratulating her, telling her "Everyone deserves to be happy." I commented on her post saying that I envy her and that I hope someday to feel the joy that she's feeling. She said that all along the process, all her friends told her to walk away from the new person. Nope, she didn't listen, and now she's experiencing the type of love that she didn't think was possible. I spent the next 3 nights or so crying myself to sleep.

So what is the condition of the marriage of my secret love? Honestly, I have no idea, and it's probably not relevant. From the limited information I have, it could be the perfect marriage, or it could be loveless and she could be miserable. I do know that they got pregnant after a one-night fling and this is the reason they got married. Sometimes I ask her if she did anything interesting on the weekend and she always seems to say "No, just chores..." I also know that she moved away from her husband for a year when she started this job (her husband later moved to this city), and then again she moved away from her husband for a year to spend time with her child and her family.

I feel about 90% sure I'm just misreading all of this, and that her family is quite solid. Sometimes when you're in love, the mind can't help but search for scenarios that it can get what it wants.





So what now? My girlfriend is away on a dream vacation with her family for about a month. At least that gives me some time to ponder what to do. I'm leaning toward opening up and telling my girlfriend everything when she comes back. If she breaks up with me, then at least it's based on honesty. And if not, maybe she can be my comfort and my shoulder to lean on.

I've also got myself a referral to a psychiatrist who I should be able to meet with sometime next month.

I just can't envision myself telling my secret love how I feel. I don't want to be responsible for breaking up a family. What if she decides she can't work around me anymore? She's truly the one thing in my life that never fails to brighten my day, and I would never forgive myself if my actions caused me to lose all of that.

I can only hope that if I just wait long enough, maybe these feelings will go away. I would give almost anything if I could transfer the feelings I have for her onto my girlfriend.
 

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Tell your girlfriend, leave the married woman alone and find a single woman who can bring about these feelings in you.
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First of all, you do *not* have a secret love. You have an infatuation with the idea of what you HOPE that woman would be like, but no actual knowledge at all of her outside of work, including whether she'd even be interested in you.

You're right to feel concerned about breaking up her family. She has a child that relies on both mom and dad, and you'd be wrong to interfere with that innocent child's life like that.

It also sounds like you don't appreciate your girlfriend. Yes, you need to let her go if you aren't willing to prioritize her. Heck, she doesn't even rate up there with a fantasy at this point.

The best thing for you to do would be to realize that you cannot work around this woman and stay at the top of who you are meant to be. You're avoiding a real connection with someone special while you're pining away from someone you cannot and should not have!

Why????
 

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If only it were that easy Gaia lol.. That IS the answer but I mean it's going to be hard to get to it. No contact is the only way to completely extinguish the feelings. I mean do you wanna just screw her, or is it her personality you like? Plenty of hot chicks out there, plenty of chicks with the same personality she has.

You allowed yourself to get close to her emotionally, and you're feeding the emotions by seeing her every day. Switch departments, tell your boss you don't get along with some people.

You can crush on this chick forever, and that's what it is.. a crush.. an infatuation. But the truth is, when you actually have her, grass likely won't be so green on the other side after all. The crap fades. It alllllways fades. "Grass is greener" is what you're thinking. What a shame.

The real truth is you don't even KNOW this woman.. You know her outer shell. Not what she's like behind closed doors.
 

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Hey I never said it was easy but its exactly what he should do. I do agree with kipani and kathy. I would also like to state that you sound a tad stalkerish creepy OP.
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That night, I saw some posts on Facebook about a different girl that recently received her divorce finalization papers, her "best Christmas present ever", and is now with the love with her life. All her friends were congratulating her, telling her "Everyone deserves to be happy."
Presumably the husband of your divorced friend and your work colleague's husband and daughter deserve to be happy as well?

I'm guessing you are pretty young, the way you write. It just doesn't work like that.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I mean do you wanna just screw her, or is it her personality you like?

Plenty of hot chicks out there, plenty of chicks with the same personality she has.
Sure there are plenty of hot chicks out there. There are even other hot chicks in the office that I'd like to screw. If she was really just another hot chick, do you think I'd be posting this?

You allowed yourself to get close to her emotionally, and you're feeding the emotions by seeing her every day. Switch departments, tell your boss you don't get along with some people.
LOL yeah, right. Good advice.

I'm not going to sabotage my career over a woman.

You can crush on this chick forever, and that's what it is.. a crush.. an infatuation. But the truth is, when you actually have her, grass likely won't be so green on the other side after all. The crap fades. It alllllways fades. "Grass is greener" is what you're thinking. What a shame.
Seems to me that by this logic, every marriage should be a miserable one after a few years.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
I would also like to state that you sound a tad stalkerish creepy OP.
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I'm not quite sure how to respond to this. Do you have any specific suggestions on what's wrong with my actions or my thought process?

"You sound like a creepy stalker" isn't exactly constructive criticism.
 

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I agree. Leave the married woman alone. You're basing your feelings on her looks. Most people put on their best face for others outside their home. She could be a complete ogre. Or worse yet she could be actually interested in you too. Would you really want to have a relationship with a woman who lies to a man she took a vow to be faithful to? What I'm getting at is she is a lose/lose scenario for you. Do the honorable thing and leave her be.
 

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Your infatuation seems a bit obssesive. That is a bit creepy imo especially since she is clueless about it. You label it love when really it isnt. I am not saying you are a creepy stalker OP but the one sided infatuation is a tad creepy.

At least imo it is. This is a taken woman you have set your sites on and your line of thinking is destructive imo. How long before you think you must have her? How long before you take action to destroy something that is already perfectly beautiful ie her marriage.


Think of it this way. Everyone deserves to be happy right? So her husband and child deserve happiness with thier mother.


Again I am not saying you are a creepy stalker but your posts have a bit of that quality in them from my pov.
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At this point, that's my intention.
That is great. By the way marriage is only miserable if the couple lets it be. A serious, committed relationship will always need work. If you want a beautiful lawn then you must work to maintain that lawns beauty by upkeep and maintenance.
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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Your infatuation seems a bit obssesive.

How long before you think you must have her? How long before you take action to destroy something that is already perfectly beautiful ie her marriage.

Again I am not saying you are a creepy stalker but your posts have a bit of that quality in them from my pov.
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I think you're being incredibly unfair and judgmental. Where have I given you any reason to believe that I'm going to commit these acts that you're envisioning? I think you're letting your imagination run away on you.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Would you really want to have a relationship with a woman who lies to a man she took a vow to be faithful to?
I understand that you're trying to make her seem less appealing to me. But what you're saying implies that any relationship beyond a first marriage is somehow disgraceful or contemptible. It implies that people can't be forgiven for making a mistake. That argument just has a religious-ey vibe to it and doesn't really work. But I appreciate your input nonetheless.
 

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I understand that you're trying to make her seem less appealing to me. But what you're saying implies that any relationship beyond a first marriage is somehow disgraceful or contemptible. It implies that people can't be forgiven for making a mistake. That argument just has a religious-ey vibe to it and doesn't really work. But I appreciate your input nonetheless.
Not at all IMO.

Sandc spoke about lying. If your dream woman wants you, and has an affair with you while married, that is different from divorcing in order to explore a relationship with you.

One is cheating, the other is owning and addressing a bad decision.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Thanks everyone for your input. I'm really just trying to reach out for support in every "safe" place I can. Even though I've touched on hypothetical fantasies where the two of us end up together, please know that these are just hypotheticals, and I'm only mentioning them because it's the only way to respond to certain peoples' arguments. Me coming out of the blue and telling this woman how I feel is something that is simply not going to happen.
 

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Thanks everyone for your input. I'm really just trying to reach out for support in every "safe" place I can. Even though I've touched on hypothetical fantasies where the two of us end up together, please know that these are just hypotheticals, and I'm only mentioning them because it's the only way to respond to certain peoples' arguments. Me coming out of the blue and telling this woman how I feel is something that is simply not going to happen.
But are you going to pursue her in a more subtle way, even knowing she is married?

Affairs can come into being over small steps.
 

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I think you're being incredibly unfair and judgmental. Where have I given you any reason to believe that I'm going to commit these acts that you're envisioning? I think you're letting your imagination run away on you.
Ok let me clarify. Im not the best at wording so I apologize. What I am saying is thosw are a possibility. I am not trying to be judgemental in the least. Merely show you where things could possibly end up. I am not saying its what you will do ... I am saying its what might happen. No its not just my imagination either considering I have had a friend in exactly the same boat as you. He was infatuated with a married woman, got angry and wanted her attention all the time and even threatened souicide which was utterly nuts imo.

No matter how I tried to point out to him that his behavior was out of line... He just got worse.
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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
If your dream woman wants you, and has an affair with you while married, that is different from divorcing in order to explore a relationship with you.
Who said anything about having an affair with a married woman? I guess people just assumed that's what I was talking about. Not at all. I would never pursue a relationship with her unless she and her husband were already completely broken up. And I would never do anything to try to make that happen.
 
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