How to deal with feelings about friend who knew of affair

5745 Views 11 Replies 10 Participants Last post by WyshIknew, Nov 9, 2012

frozen

Discussion Starter · Nov 9, 2012

My wife had an affair almost a year ago and we are doing great in R. I have painful moments every day and night but we are doing everything we can to rebuild this marriage from the ground up.

She ditched 2 of her friends that were in on her affair and who supported it. There is still one friend she has that she told while it was happening but she was not approving of the affair.

I am having trouble working through my feelings about this woman. I believe this friend was appropriate in her behavior towards my wife yet I feel there is more the friend could have done to tell my wife not to have the affair.

What was her moral obligation? I obviously would have wanted to be told as would any BS but nobody seems to do that. She was not my friend and owed no loyalty to me. But if she believed it was wrong than what would have been the right thing for her to do.

I realize the dilemma the friend was in and the whole incident didn't last that long. The affair was caught by me 3 Weeks after it went physical though she was getting involved in "Not Me" for 6-8 weeks before that.

Just about anything can be a trigger for me but if there is some way for me to view the friend in a manner that doesn't make me uneasy and trigger I welcome any advice. Thanks.

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JCD

· #2 · Nov 9, 2012

Tell your wife. "She was not my friend. Every time I see her, I see someone who allowed your affair to go on. Yes, she owed me nothing but she is a symbol of what you did. I am not telling you to drop her, though I wouldn't cry if you did. But I'd just as soon not see her any more at our house and our social engagements. Do your girl stuff together elsewhere."
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walkonmars

· #3 · Nov 9, 2012

Did the friend play any role in revealing the affair? There are different levels of disapproval:

"wow, you're gonna get in trouble" --- not your friend

"You really need to think about how you're hurting your family. I just can't believe you're doing this to your husband" ---- your friend

It could be the friend was working at guilting your wife out of the affair.

OR it could be the friend was just tsk tsking.

Whether she should continue the contact depends on the level of disapproval.

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frozen

Discussion Starter · #4 · Nov 9, 2012

walkonmars said:
Did the friend play any role in revealing the affair? There are different levels of disapproval:

"wow, you're gonna get in trouble" --- not your friend

"You really need to think about how you're hurting your family. I just can't believe you're doing this to your husband" ---- your friend

It could be the friend was working at guilting your wife out of the affair.

OR it could be the friend was just tsk tsking.

Whether she should continue the contact depends on the level of disapproval.

I am going to have to have a talk with my wife again and ask. We had discussed many months ago but as it had been bothering me I will have to bring it up again.

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Count of Monte Cristo

· #5 · Nov 9, 2012

She wasn't a friend of the marriage so she shouldn't be allowed into the marital home. They can meet at her place.

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Acabado

· #6 · Nov 9, 2012

frozen said:
I believe this friend was appropriate in her behavior towards my wife yet I feel there is more the friend could have done to tell my wife not to have the affair.

She was not my friend and owed no loyalty to me.

People realy haave no idea on how to react properly to this. You probably have no idea on how you'd react before you were a victim. Many simply avoir conflict, other fear the "shoot the messenger" thing, many really believe it's not their bussiness, other tell his opinios and go because they know it's futule to reasone/convince them once they are into it...
Gezz there're betrayed spouses out there who don't expose their waywards married APs to the betrayed!

I think this woman is a friend of the marriage. She told her friend NO.
Real friends remain friends even when you are wrong. They don't condone our failures, they tell so but they don't simply vanish.

It's just my opinion.

I had a friend who used to give me the speech once in a while when I was a drunk. Even when I tried to avoid his talks he never stopped, he stayed. He remained being my friend once I decide to go sober. He's still my friend today.

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Tony55

· #7 · Nov 9, 2012

I think the important factor here is whether or not this friend encouraged or discouraged it.

I agree with Acabado, it's a tough position for friends to be in.

I don't think she had a "moral obligation" to tell you. At most, morally speaking, she should have expressed complete disapproval to your wife upon discovery and maybe even tell her that she doesn't want to hear anything more about it, but beyond that, I can fully understand her not wanting to get involved.

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JCD

· #8 · Nov 9, 2012

The problem isn't her role. It is that the friend seems to be a trigger for him. Or so I am taking from this. If clarifying her role will dissipate the trigger, all well and good. If not, it's what she aymbolizes in his mind, not who she is.
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Thor

· #9 · Nov 9, 2012

Have you talked to the friend about the A or her actions?
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tom67

· #10 · Nov 9, 2012

Thor said:
Have you talked to the friend about the A or her actions?
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as a form of healing I would talk to her. Go ahead ask her anything. Your wife should not have a problem.

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daisygirl 41

· #11 · Nov 9, 2012

The friend knew about the A and disapproved. Maybe you are disappointed that the friend didn't try's d stop the A or tell you about it? It wasn't her place. It was your wife's. nothing would have stopped the A. Don't blame shift this onto the friend, this was all your wife's doing.

We all like to think we know what we would do in any given situation. Maybe the friend wanted to tell you but didn't want the responsibility of a broken marriage on her hands. It's a huge thing to do!
At the end of the day, if you don't want anything to do with the friend, that's fine, but don't blame her for any part of your wife's affair, unless of course she encouraged it, but that's not the case is it?
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WyshIknew

· #12 · Nov 9, 2012

If you can stand to see her around it might be a good idea to have her as a friend. It will help your wife to have a friend around that she can talk to.

Besides which you could thank her for discouraging your wifes affair and say (in private) that you wish that she would have at least let you know anonomously about the affair.

Not saying that your wife would have another affair but it can't help to have a friendly pair of eyes just in case.

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