Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 4 of 4 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Two months ago I found out my husband had an affair with someone from work. I'll give the details but keep it as brief as possible. A year ago, he was promoted to a big job that required him to work way too much. We were lucky if he was home one evening a week (including weekends). He was completely focused on work and the kids and I came after that. This combined with some mean things that were said to me during arguments, and the demands of a toddler and a baby created some pretty serious distance between us. That distance apparently made him feel like I didn't want him anymore and as a result of his "negative self talk" as he calls it, he ended up carrying on an affair for a few months with someone from work. Oh and it gets worse, this coworker was terrible at her job (something he had been telling me for two years - long before the affair) and no one wanted to work with her anymore. It came to the point that she needed to be fired so he did so. She used the affair against him and ended up getting him fired as a result. So on DDay, I not only found out my husband had been lying to me, cheating on me, spending precious time with her that he should have been spending with our family, but also that he had lost his job (and the huge income that came with it that we depended on), one that we had both sacrificed for and worked hard to get.

He ended the affair prior to firing her and before I knew about it and has had zero contact since. It was more of a physical affair than anything - he wasn't emotionally involved really at all. He tells me that the reason it happened was because she made him feel wanted, something he wasn't feeling from me anymore. He claims he would look at me, see how wonderful and gorgeous I am and knew that he could never make me happy, that I would be interested in someone "better" than him. I have a hard time believing that as I don't see myself that way (hard to see anything good about myself!) but he swears that is the reason.

I feel the same as anyone else would....devastated, hurt, humiliated, sick to my stomach, can't sleep, can't eat, don't want to leave the house...nothing has ever hurt like this has. What I'm feeling most of all though is not good enough and so incredibly unimportant.

He has made it clear that he wants me and only me and that he would do anything to prevent me from leaving him. I love him more than anything and prior to this last year, we had the most wonderful relationship. Plus we have two kids together and breaking up our family would be devastating. Problem is, I can't get past so many things. He knew before all of this that him cheating would absolutely kill me but he still chose to do it anyway. I feel like I don't matter to him at all, like I'm just a piece of garbage that he could so easily disgard like it was nothing. I feel so horrible about myself - like I wasn't good enough to make him happy so he had to go find it somewhere else. Everytime I try to sleep, I picture them together being intimate and can't get that out of my head. I also can't help but think that he will do it again should there ever be distance in our relationship again.

This has humiliated me beyond belief. Of course because of the circumstances, there are a number of people from his work (who are also friends of ours) who know about this. I can't help but feel like they are all judging me and thinking I must be a terrible wife and can't make my husband happy for him to have done this. I can't tell my friends or family for that same reason. I'm so ashamed and don't want anyone to know. Therefore, I have no one to talk to about any of this besides my husband.

What do I do to get past this? How do I stop feeling like I'm a worthless piece of garbage that matters to no one? How do I stop picturing them together? Some days I can cope but others I feel like my world is falling apart and I just want to give up because I'm not worth anything to anyone. Feeling that way is seriously affecting my ability to work on the relationship and I don't know what to do. I've always had very low self esteem and I feel like this just confirms all of the fears I had about myself...that I'm not good enough for anyone. Help!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,380 Posts
This isn't your fault. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Your husband's choice to cheat reflects on him, and him alone. He bears the entire responsibility for his choice.

Your friends will support and care for you. Reach out to them. Talk to them. You need them.

Try to get into councelling. A good one will help you deal with the situation in a good way.

Getting Past the Affair: A Program to Help You Cope, Heal, and Move On -- Together or Apart:Amazon:Books
This book is a good one to start with.

You're in for a really rough time. This is a wretched thing to deal with, no matter what way it goes. But you have more strength than you know. You will survive, your life will get good again, but it takes time. Please know it will get better, even when it is impossible to believe this, it will get better.

I am sorry that you are here, but it is a good place to turn for help. I am sorry that your husband was so selfish.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
877 Posts
I am going to repeat what S\A just said: This isn't your fault. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Your husband's choice to cheat reflects on him, and him alone. He bears the entire responsibility for his choice.

You are only 2 months out past Dday, your still hurting BAD. Your husband hopefully is being open and honest answering your questions without getting defensive. I assume you have all his passwords and can verify via phones records that NC has been established.

About the mind movies and thinking about them being together. That's one I still battle and I am 5 months out past Dday. Time is about the only thing that really helps. That and learning to control them yourself. When the images come...Some have suggested replacing the AP(affair partner) with themselves, or making them look like a big ape or clown. I have also heard of making the image you see dark, like it's down a very long hallway and you can't really see it to well.

All these things will help some, but in the end, it's time. They will diminish. When they do come though, your husband needs to be there for you, they will crush you at the time and he needs to comfort you when they do.

Also, seek counseling ASAP. You should have Inidividual Counseling and Marriage Counsleing.

Sorry you are here, but hang in there it does get better over time. You will survive this!
 
1 - 4 of 4 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top