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I recently separated from my boyfriend due to jealousy and insecurity. I wonder if some of the discomfort I felt in the relationship was evolutionary adaptive- alerting me to potential mate poaching- or just a lack of self-confidence.

My boyfriend is a professor with a research lab. Almost all of his ex girlfriends, ex hookups, and young female friends have been students at his university. I was the one expectation, im a graduate student as well, but at a different university. We meet through a friend of a friend. In my experiences professors at my university are not that close with students. He however texts, calls, and goes out of his way to be friends his students. Also there is the fact that these girls will always be in his life every time he goes to a conference or to get letters of recommendation from him. Anyway this stuff just comes with the territory to some extent.

I moved in very quickly with him not realizing how close he was with these girls. Many of his friends consist of very attractive girls 10 his age or younger that he has mentored/taught and than either briefly dated or tried to date. These girls are amazing, intelligent, successful and it drives me a bit mad. On the other hand, I was the only one he asked to move in with ever and I was the only one he said that he loved since he was a young man. If I could get my insecurity in check than I felt like I could just be happy with him and be okay with his friendships with these girls.

After moving in with him my insecurity began to get worse and worse. Early on I got quite jealous of one of his girlfriend, his ex top undergrad student whom he briefly had a thing with. She was young, sexy, biosexual, and flirtatious. She was probably really no threat at all but when he asked me things like was it okay if she slept over and she would tell him things like she wanted to see me naked I began to feel extremely uncomfortable. I was threatened by how sexual she was and what this must be doing to my boyfriend. Implanting images of us doing sexual things and me being the uptight person to react negatively to it would just end up making her appear sexier to him. The funny part is I am very open about this stuff in general. We watch porn together, talked about bringing another girl in, we had a great sex life. My line was involving any girl he was friends with into our lives in a sexual way. His close relationship with them apart from us would be way too uncomfortable to bear. In the end requesting that he not to go out drinking with her, requesting a restriction on their relationship was probably wrong of me. It ultimately made me less attractive and perhaps pushed him a way a bit.

I believe my high expectations resulted from the fact that we moved in together extremely fast. I moved an hour and a half from school to live in his house. We both felt the relationship would go the distance. My silly expectations though about us lead me to think that having a higher level of commitment implied cutting off attractive female student friends. I was okay with the fact that his best friend, an ex, was a female. He talked to her quite often and a few times, however, we did argue about that. Like when he messaged her and not me when shopping for his nieces or in whether he should eat a sandwich that had been sitting in his car. I was jealous of their relationship and wanted him to think message me with stuff like that. This was very controlling of me. Towards the end he asked about going on vacation to go see her for the week. He said he wanted me to come but only being a student I could not see spending the money on an expensive ticket to go spend a week at his ex's house. Especially when I could use the money to go on a fun romantic vacation with him. I mentioned that and he said well you do not have to go then. It became a, I asked if you wanted to go with me and you did not so I should be able to go myself. It made me wonder about his motivations. Maybe I was just being a neurotic *****.

There was another thing however with this. A young hottie new graduate student at his former university is there too. He tired to have a romantic relationship with her shortly before we meet and since then he has remained in contact with her. He texted her asking her when they were going to work on a study together (there is no reason why he would have to work on a study with her he is always so busy with his actual students, so much so he complains a lot about how he is so overwhelmed with studies). He also messages her on holidays. He has a lot of female friends, many of which he has known for years, but he only texts this one girl on holiday at my parents house.

Recently he went to a conference at this tropical paradise. I had really wanted to go because its a tropical paradise but we got in several fights about it, focused on him not sure if I should go because his ex would be there and she may be upset if I am there. He requested that I either come before or after the conference. Granted I was not planning on going to the conference itself but he was worried about my presence at the social drinking events each night after the conference. I felt that there was no reason why I should not go, I was living with him at the time. I had recently brought expensive plan tickets to go to Canada for two weeks in the middle of winter to visit his family. Needless to say I was very upset. I ended up not going and he went and that graduate student was there and his happy ex and who knows who else. Making me question again why he wanted to go see his ex this summer, whether it had to do with this graduate student, and if he knew that I would not want to go, which is why he asked. There are other girls that I did not mention.

Look at me however I have turned into crazed ***** going into precise detail about things that happened months ago. I was so angry at him and at myself that it took me being away from the relationship to gain perspective over my own behavior. I kept pushing him away and these girls were giving him their attention and praise while I was fighting with him. I pushed him further and further away. He did do stuff to make me more comfortable, he stopped hanging out with the one ex student of his that I was jealous of very early on. He stopped talking about our relationship issues with his exs. He also put up with me when I would become insanely jealous and anger at him for his relationships with these girls. I was constantly comparing myself to them and feeling like their youth and success were better than mine. i felt that he had to be attracted to these girls and did not focus on how he acted with me, but only on how he may or may not act with these girls. I wonder if I had not started fighting with him early about this stuff, if he would have not felt the need to seek out this other women and want to work with her. I think it became a vicious cycle where I needed these relationships to stop and it to just be us for a bit to be closer to him and he needed me to be closer so he would not need to be close with these girls. Im scared that because he has mostly dated students in the past that his closeness with these girls is a threat to me. The fact that they are all in the same field together means that they will always be a part of his life. I expected that this fear of mine should be dealt with by asking him to change these relationships with his ex lover student friends. It's my issue right if I want to be with him I would have to accept that these women will be his friends and co-workers and that he is going to text them and want to hang out with them when he sees them places. I wonder if I will always feel this way if I am with him. It is also weird that I am a student and he is a boss like figure, the professor, and that can be a bit difficult to deal with sometimes. I feel self conscious around him. When I make a mistake he is always there to correct it. He finds intelligence and talking about his field very sexy, as do I, however this has become another reason why I feel threatened by his closeness with these girls. I feel that it may blur the line and it takes away from us. I want him to maintain just a professional relationship with these people rather than having them go to him with love problems. I need some more perspective on the situation. I want to feel confident and sexy again but all this comparing has me feeling very down. He is an amazing guy and I do love him and I cannot control him and I should not want to. I need to be able to trust him.

I apologize for the novel. Any thoughts??
 

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Because your post is so rambling, my first thought was that you are a troll. But I'll be nice and give you the benefit of the doubt.

Maybe someone else on this board will have more experience in complicated relationships than I do. but in case there isn't, I should point out that sometimes making life simple --and it might be boring when you do-- might be the best thing for you.

It sounds to me that you are or wanted to become sexually adventurous to please your bf. by this statement in any case: "My line was involving any girl he was friends with into our lives in a sexual way." I really don't know how LBGTs keep their relationships in line. I am hetero and would never knowingly date anyone other than a fellow hetero, so that solves one problem. If you don't want to be sexually adventurous, then this should be a dealbreaker for your relationship.

And after that, I would apply my standards of "appropriateness" to the relationships that my partner has with women. For example, I do not want him to get into a cluster**** of text, email or FB messages with a woman. We will not change our plans to please a female friend (or any friend for that matter). If he does want to spend time with her, then I would expect him to include me and so on.

Keep reading these boards and see what standards / boundaries other people adhere to and expect their SOs to adhere to as well to develop your own standards.
 

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I think any woman (or a guy) would feel somewhat uncomfortable with the degree to which your ex associated with former girlfriends, including texts and away time together.

If he really cared for you he would have realized this and put a halt to it, or at least kept it on a professional basis.

However the way you describe him, basically as a guy constantly on the prowl for his students, his answers and behavior comes as no surprise and moving on is the best thing you could have done.
 

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Your boyfriend is a Pervy Professor; reminds me of the mistake I once made, dating someone from work. Unfortunately, we both still work here, and I occasionally see him STILL trying to use the workplace as his own personal dating service. I can't even look at him anymore. Very unprofessional.
 

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Cyclic,

I’m not sure why you are beating yourself up over your boyfriend’s behavior with other women.

I presume that he does not teach at an all woman’s college. So how many male of his male students are such good friends with him that he visits them for several days in their home, goes out to lunch with them. How many males call and text him?

The person who said he’s a perv professor on the prowl is right. I wonder why you don’t see this?

Seems that he liked you but was not willing to end his relationships with other women. Ask the men around here and in your life… if a man hangs out with a woman, it’s because he wants sex with her. Sure he might not push the issue but there is always the desire there. How many homely or downright ugly women does your bf hand out with?

Your feelings of being uncomfortable with his behavior and his relationship with all the women was accurate. You have every right to be concerned about this and to want a bf/husband who does not put himself in situations that are compromising. These sort of relationships usually lead to trouble.. like affairs.

I wonder how long it’s going to be before some woman sues the school for his using his position as a profession, a position of power, to get sexual favors from his students. I’m surprised that the school he teaches for has not done something about his behavior already. By allowing him to continue this behavior the school is at risk of being sued.

You really need to look at why you do not have the confidence to stand up to a man who is so clearly acting inappropriately and set some boundaries for yourself.
 

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I recently separated from my boyfriend due to jealousy and insecurity. I wonder if some of the discomfort I felt in the relationship was evolutionary adaptive- alerting me to potential mate poaching- or just a lack of self-confidence.

My boyfriend is a professor with a research lab. Almost all of his ex girlfriends, ex hookups, and young female friends have been students at his university. I was the one expectation, im a graduate student as well, but at a different university. We meet through a friend of a friend. In my experiences professors at my university are not that close with students. He however texts, calls, and goes out of his way to be friends his students. Also there is the fact that these girls will always be in his life every time he goes to a conference or to get letters of recommendation from him. Anyway this stuff just comes with the territory to some extent.

I moved in very quickly with him not realizing how close he was with these girls. Many of his friends consist of very attractive girls 10 his age or younger that he has mentored/taught and than either briefly dated or tried to date. These girls are amazing, intelligent, successful and it drives me a bit mad. On the other hand, I was the only one he asked to move in with ever and I was the only one he said that he loved since he was a young man. If I could get my insecurity in check than I felt like I could just be happy with him and be okay with his friendships with these girls.

After moving in with him my insecurity began to get worse and worse. Early on I got quite jealous of one of his girlfriend, his ex top undergrad student whom he briefly had a thing with. She was young, sexy, biosexual, and flirtatious. She was probably really no threat at all but when he asked me things like was it okay if she slept over and she would tell him things like she wanted to see me naked I began to feel extremely uncomfortable. I was threatened by how sexual she was and what this must be doing to my boyfriend. Implanting images of us doing sexual things and me being the uptight person to react negatively to it would just end up making her appear sexier to him. The funny part is I am very open about this stuff in general. We watch porn together, talked about bringing another girl in, we had a great sex life. My line was involving any girl he was friends with into our lives in a sexual way. His close relationship with them apart from us would be way too uncomfortable to bear. In the end requesting that he not to go out drinking with her, requesting a restriction on their relationship was probably wrong of me. It ultimately made me less attractive and perhaps pushed him a way a bit.

I believe my high expectations resulted from the fact that we moved in together extremely fast. I moved an hour and a half from school to live in his house. We both felt the relationship would go the distance. My silly expectations though about us lead me to think that having a higher level of commitment implied cutting off attractive female student friends. I was okay with the fact that his best friend, an ex, was a female. He talked to her quite often and a few times, however, we did argue about that. Like when he messaged her and not me when shopping for his nieces or in whether he should eat a sandwich that had been sitting in his car. I was jealous of their relationship and wanted him to think message me with stuff like that. This was very controlling of me. Towards the end he asked about going on vacation to go see her for the week. He said he wanted me to come but only being a student I could not see spending the money on an expensive ticket to go spend a week at his ex's house. Especially when I could use the money to go on a fun romantic vacation with him. I mentioned that and he said well you do not have to go then. It became a, I asked if you wanted to go with me and you did not so I should be able to go myself. It made me wonder about his motivations. Maybe I was just being a neurotic *****.

There was another thing however with this. A young hottie new graduate student at his former university is there too. He tired to have a romantic relationship with her shortly before we meet and since then he has remained in contact with her. He texted her asking her when they were going to work on a study together (there is no reason why he would have to work on a study with her he is always so busy with his actual students, so much so he complains a lot about how he is so overwhelmed with studies). He also messages her on holidays. He has a lot of female friends, many of which he has known for years, but he only texts this one girl on holiday at my parents house.

Recently he went to a conference at this tropical paradise. I had really wanted to go because its a tropical paradise but we got in several fights about it, focused on him not sure if I should go because his ex would be there and she may be upset if I am there. He requested that I either come before or after the conference. Granted I was not planning on going to the conference itself but he was worried about my presence at the social drinking events each night after the conference. I felt that there was no reason why I should not go, I was living with him at the time. I had recently brought expensive plan tickets to go to Canada for two weeks in the middle of winter to visit his family. Needless to say I was very upset. I ended up not going and he went and that graduate student was there and his happy ex and who knows who else. Making me question again why he wanted to go see his ex this summer, whether it had to do with this graduate student, and if he knew that I would not want to go, which is why he asked. There are other girls that I did not mention.

Look at me however I have turned into crazed ***** going into precise detail about things that happened months ago. I was so angry at him and at myself that it took me being away from the relationship to gain perspective over my own behavior. I kept pushing him away and these girls were giving him their attention and praise while I was fighting with him. I pushed him further and further away. He did do stuff to make me more comfortable, he stopped hanging out with the one ex student of his that I was jealous of very early on. He stopped talking about our relationship issues with his exs. He also put up with me when I would become insanely jealous and anger at him for his relationships with these girls. I was constantly comparing myself to them and feeling like their youth and success were better than mine. i felt that he had to be attracted to these girls and did not focus on how he acted with me, but only on how he may or may not act with these girls. I wonder if I had not started fighting with him early about this stuff, if he would have not felt the need to seek out this other women and want to work with her. I think it became a vicious cycle where I needed these relationships to stop and it to just be us for a bit to be closer to him and he needed me to be closer so he would not need to be close with these girls. Im scared that because he has mostly dated students in the past that his closeness with these girls is a threat to me. The fact that they are all in the same field together means that they will always be a part of his life. I expected that this fear of mine should be dealt with by asking him to change these relationships with his ex lover student friends. It's my issue right if I want to be with him I would have to accept that these women will be his friends and co-workers and that he is going to text them and want to hang out with them when he sees them places. I wonder if I will always feel this way if I am with him. It is also weird that I am a student and he is a boss like figure, the professor, and that can be a bit difficult to deal with sometimes. I feel self conscious around him. When I make a mistake he is always there to correct it. He finds intelligence and talking about his field very sexy, as do I, however this has become another reason why I feel threatened by his closeness with these girls. I feel that it may blur the line and it takes away from us. I want him to maintain just a professional relationship with these people rather than having them go to him with love problems. I need some more perspective on the situation. I want to feel confident and sexy again but all this comparing has me feeling very down. He is an amazing guy and I do love him and I cannot control him and I should not want to. I need to be able to trust him.

I apologize for the novel. Any thoughts??
My thought. It's EASY to see why he has had so many relationships. Also why he had to get a steady girlfriend away from the place where his reputation is known. He does not really sound like a keeper. He sounds like he wants to keep you, but that's not the same thing.
 

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Interesting thread. To me, you knew a lot of this upon starting a relationship with this guy. Any guy / girl that can't respect proper "boundaries" with his ex's... is NOT somebody you want to start a relationship with anyway. U say you are the only one he asked to move in, you know this how??? I mean he basically phched you out of going to the trip with him, you know that right???

In conclusion, i'll sum it up like this... u did the right thing here. It would e hard for anyone to not feel like you, given your circumstances. Breaking up, saved you potential years of anguish and heartache.
 

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Interesting thread. To me, you knew a lot of this upon starting a relationship with this guy. Any guy / girl that can't respect proper "boundaries" with his ex's... is NOT somebody you want to start a relationship with anyway. U say you are the only one he asked to move in, you know this how??? I mean he basically phched you out of going to the trip with him, you know that right???

In conclusion, i'll sum it up like this... u did the right thing here. It would e hard for anyone to not feel like you, given your circumstances. Breaking up, saved you potential years of anguish and heartache.
Yeah, you could actually be the only idiot who agreed to do so.
 

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As a basic rule of thumb, if you have a novel to write about your relationship, that's a red flag. Do you have a relationship or do you have drama and which do you prefer?
Another basic rule, what's there in the beginning is what is there in the end and you will say, "I KNEW that would happen." So, don't be a fool to yourself. I think you see the writing on the wall.
I think another good rule is, If you have put yourself at a disadvantage for someone else you shoulder the lion's share of the risk. In this case, you are the one who moved. ..You are the student and can't afford to go to conferences. Etc.
Get back in your own territory, finish your degree, see how you feel when you have your own career and your independence.
I just thought of another "rule" I have learned over the years. Men express their interest in anything by how much money they will spend on it. If this professor won't pay your way to conferences, he does not value you.
It feels good to hold out for someone who says, "Let me handle that for you." You are worth it. Hold out for that, you'll know it when it happens.
 
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