[Evinrude58]

She’s blowing guys, sexting other guys, bragging to the gals about the details……

OP forgives her and isn’t angry.

What he’s doing to himself now, his future self would want to beat himself with a club for.

poor muffin needs make attention because he’s been “distant”…..

I

 

[Tested_by_stress]

One man to another OP, I am seriously embarrassed for you. This takes being beta to a whole other level. Seriously, how could you sit on this for a month?

 

[manfromlamancha]

I agree with what all the others have said.

This "woman" has done possibly the worst possible thing a wife could do to her husband. She sucked another man's **** (and I would be wondering why it did not go further actually) and then bragged about loving it to another "woman" and all you can say is that it's probably your fault and that you want to get back with her?!?!?!? after sitting on this for a month?!?!!?? She prepared the ground probably knowing what you are like by saying that she was not in love with you so that if you ever found out you would react in exactly the way you have!!! This would suggest that she has done this before with others and this is one that you just happened to catch.

You seriously need to gather all your info and then as others have said, with a great deal of shock and thunder, hit her with the divorce papers while informing all close family while providing them with the proof you have.

Now what is the worst thing about your story is that YOU ARE FEELING SORRY FOR THE OTHER PIECE OF SH!T GUY!!!! Instead of pounding him into the ground. And if they both work together then report both to HR!

You really need to grow a pair PDQ for your sake and for the sake of your kids if you have any. This "wife" of yours is vile!

 

[jjj858]

I seriously doubt it was just a BJ. What is every guy thinking about while receiving one? The main course! BJ is just the appetizer. Hard to imagine this guy going “oh gee golly this was such a mistake! I feel bad! Let me tell this woman in my apartment who is willing to do whatever I want to go home before this goes any further!”.

 

[Dictum Veritas]

I seriously doubt it was just a BJ. What is every guy thinking about while receiving one? The main course! BJ is just the appetizer. Hard to imagine this guy going “oh gee golly this was such a mistake! I feel bad! Let me tell this woman in my apartment who is willing to do whatever I want to go home before this goes any further!”.

If my pants are down, Johnny-one-eye is going IN! There' no way a woman with her lips around it is not getting the full treatment. There is no way this stopped with a BJ. That's a fairy tale in a sewer rat magazine.

 

[GusPolinski]

Not really the response I was after, but I figured I'd see a couple of them. And I understand them completely. Trust me - I thought about the same thing. How could I be ready to just forgive and move on? It's because I still love my wife. I still have a hope that we can move past this.

As for the other guy - he did regret it afterwards (like I said, I had seen the convos). It was a heat of the moment thing.

Which is why I'm willing to forgive. Yes - she says she didn't regret it at the time but that was immediately afterwards. I don't know how she's feeling now about it. It only happened the once (due to work schedules they haven't been able to get back together).

Where there is no respect, commitment, or trust, love doesn’t matter.

 

[Davit Bek]

@Panik_HeavyHeart This is why it's important to have close male friends. They will keep you in touch with your masculinity and will remind you use the pair that you have. The only right thing you have done is not confront.
Here's my advice:

1. Read "180", "No more Mr. Nice Guy", "The Married Man Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay". These should help you become an improved version of yourself. THIS IS NOT FOR RECONCILIATION.

2. Infidelity is rooted in deception and thus it can never, ever be justified. There is not a single scenario. Realize that this marriage is over.

3. Have some pride. Are you seriously going to use words like understand and forgiveness? The goal isn't to necessarily avenge anyone, but act with complete selfishness in improving your and your children's life. You no longer have a wife. Take all you can.

4. Don't confront just yet. Use this time to gather all the evidence, and start improving yourself quietly by working out, and dressing better, and then go talk to all the best lawyers in your area. You'll pay a consultation fee which isn't too high, but it will mean she can no longer have them as her lawyer due to conflict of interest. Also when confronting, don't be too public about it for your sake since it's a small town. Reveal it to her dad, and a few other key people.

5. Serve her the papers when she least expects them, and find a way to be the best dad you can be and set an example of a father that acts with strength, courage, honor, and integrity. And when you heal a little, find yourself a good woman.

 

[No Longer Lonely Husband]

Sir, rip the bandaid off and put and end to this charade. Amazon.com

I strongly recommend you consider reading this book. Larry Winget‘s “Grow a Pair”.

 

[Evinrude58]

I agree. Zero need to confront anyone here. Massive need for seeing an attorney and delivering papers to the BJ Queen who doesn’t regret it at all (in her words).

I would make it my business for a while to see that she regretted it, if only for reasons unrelated to losing me….

For OP to say he’s not angry at her and not angry with the AP…. Makes me think of the huge tampon shortage at all the stores across the United States for the past few years.

 

[manwithnoname]

I agree. Zero need to confront anyone here. Massive need for seeing an attorney and delivering papers to the BJ Queen who doesn’t regret it at all (in her words).

I would make it my business for a while to see that she regretted it, if only for reasons unrelated to losing me….

For OP to say he’s not angry at her and not angry with the AP…. Makes me think of the huge tampon shortage at all the stores across the United States for the past few years.

As much as I agree with this, and the required 2x4, I would rather the OP stay around and get the help he needs to make the right decision for HIM. (which is not the way he was generally leaning).

Yes, he absolutely needs to contact an attorney. But he needs to see why this is the only way to go, because he definitely does not see it.

I don't know how to convince him, I only know what I would do. R would not be on the table at all. She could figuratively suck my ****.

 

[Evinrude58]

It does suck to love someone and have them poop on you. I really believe that there should be a taught and well discussed message to young men that once they receive the ILYBINILWY speech like OP received, no matter which woman gives it (gf or wife), the answer that is given is GTFO.

I akdo believe that almost 100% of the time, theILYBINILWY speech is by nature given as a result of cheating in one form or another. It’s from the script of the play nobody ever gets to see in school or discussed, but in theatres near you quite often.

 

[hamadryad]

I akdo believe that almost 100% of the time, theILYBINILWY speech is by nature given as a result of cheating in one form or another. It’s from the script of the play nobody ever gets to see in school or discussed, but in theatres near you quite often.

Possibly, sure....

But I think it's more because they picked the wrong guy in the first place....Instead of selecting based on sexual attraction, they picked the guy based on "niceness", security, stability, her friends weren't trying to steal him, etc...Women are notorious for this...You hear stories about how she meets this guy, they become friends, he orbits her for years, then when her options dwindle, or they guy she is really attracted to drops her on her head, he is the haven in the storm....

They love all the positive attributes mentioned, but he's not getting her panties wet....hence the ILYBNILWY...Think Forrest Gump...lol..

 

[Davit Bek]

Possibly, sure....

But I think it's more because they picked the wrong guy in the first place....Instead of selecting based on sexual attraction, they picked the guy based on "niceness", security, stability, her friends weren't trying to steal him, etc...Women are notorious for this...You hear stories about how she meets this guy, they become friends, he orbits her for years, then when her options dwindle, or they guy she is really attracted to drops her on her head, he is the haven in the storm....

They love all the positive attributes mentioned, but he's not getting her panties wet....hence the ILYBNILWY...Think Forrest Gump...lol..

I do agree that there are many instances of what you said. But there are also times that there was that initial attraction, but over time they lose it. Sometimes because the husband loses their masculine behavior along the way and turn into a provider without asking for much. In cases where there has been no infidelity and not a lot of resentment, I've seen people get the spark back by changing themselves and becoming closer to who they originally were.
I've also seen the woman with Narcism or Borderline Personality Disorder that go through phases of worship then devalue.

 

[Evinrude58]

I do agree that there are many instances of what you said. But there are also times that there was that initial attraction, but over time they lose it. Sometimes because the husband loses their masculine behavior along the way and turn into a provider without asking for much. In cases where there has been no infidelity and not a lot of resentment, I've seen people get the spark back by changing themselves and becoming closer to who they originally were.
I've also seen the woman with Narcism or Borderline Personality Disorder that go through phases of worship then devalue.

Agreed, and different levels of both mentioned disorders.a lot of people may have mild cases of both, causing similar behaviors.

 

[hamadryad]

I do agree that there are many instances of what you said. But there are also times that there was that initial attraction, but over time they lose it. Sometimes because the husband loses their masculine behavior along the way and turn into a provider without asking for much. In cases where there has been no infidelity and not a lot of resentment, I've seen people get the spark back by changing themselves and becoming closer to who they originally were.
I've also seen the woman with Narcism or Borderline Personality Disorder that go through phases of worship then devalue.

I won't get into those armchair psych analysis....Its above my pay grade...But I think people that get dumped often throw those terms around to make it "not about them"....There was something wrong with the other person...Women often accuse guys of NPD and all guys that get tossed have BPD women...I just think these conditions are way more rare then people make them out to be....

FWIW, I am pretty picky, but I never lost physical/sexual attraction for someone if it was strong from the start...I mean, sure, if the woman truly let herself go, it would probably go away, but never if things stayed somewhat the same...

I dunno....I find a lot of women select "safe" guys and then get left holding the bag when the thrill of all the attention and material accoutrements and such fades....At the risk of running too far from the original thread,(but this could certainly be the case for the OP in this thread). ill just leave it at that...

 

[oldshirt]

I see one of two possible explanations here.

#1 is either you are one of the weakest, most passive betas that has come here in a long time.

or

#2 is your wife (STBX?) was right and you two are basically roommates and have reached such a level of disconnect and apathy that you honestly do not actually do not care and to you it's just another chick getting with her boyfriend.

You need to do some soul-searching on if you truly love her and want to be with her and have an actual marriage or are you just comfortable and have resting inertia of being in the same house being roommates.

it's a matter of making up your mind if you want to put in the work and effort to work on the marriage or the work and effort to wish each other well and each go on with your own lives.

As Morgan Freeman says, get busy live'n or get busy die'n.

 

[No Longer Lonely Husband]

Sir, I may sound like a broken record as I have given this advice repeatedly to other BH’s over the last six years I have been on this thread. WOMEN RESPECT STRENGTH...NOT WEAKNESS. You cannot be meek in situations such as the one you currently find your self in.

You have got to take bold action in the form of letter her know you will not tolerate this ****, you will be be filing for divorce, and you expect her to leave the house NOW!

I will refrain from being over the top with my “BH Yellow Footprint Pep Talk” I have given others so as to avoid being redundant.

You do not deserve to be subjected to this ****. It is all on her. Nothing you did caused her to go perform fellatio on POSOM.

 

[Davit Bek]

I won't get into those armchair psych analysis....Its above my pay grade...But I think people that get dumped often throw those terms around to make it "not about them"....There was something wrong with the other person...Women often accuse guys of NPD and all guys that get tossed have BPD women...I just think these conditions are way more rare then people make them out to be....

FWIW, I am pretty picky, but I never lost physical/sexual attraction for someone if it was strong from the start...I mean, sure, if the woman truly let herself go, it would probably go away, but never if things stayed somewhat the same...

I dunno....I find a lot of women select "safe" guys and then get left holding the bag when the thrill of all the attention and material accoutrements and such fades....At the risk of running too far from the original thread,(but this could certainly be the case for the OP in this thread). ill just leave it at that...

I see what you're saying and I do agree that those terms do get used loosely. There is certainly a lot of value in self-reflection after a breakup regardless of who's fault one thinks it is, as usually both take a share of the blame. And I understand if someone has had multiple failed relationships, the odds are they have problematic traits. But I have to say personality disorders (like BPD, or NPD) are more common that you think specially if someone has experienced childhood trauma/neglect... and are extremely easy to overlook or have it go undiagnosed, even among those who have worked with say a psychologist. Here is a study that estimated BPD to be 1.6% in the general population and higher in those with childhood trauma.

Physical attraction even when strong from the start, can ebb and flow and ultimately the thrill and excitement of the first days changes to a different form of love. That doesn't mean that's a relationship that should be ended. Also many of the "safe" guys do hold attractive traits, as success, comfort, and security are attractive to women.

Lastly, I'm sure that the relationships in which affair happens, the betrayed spouse is deserving of some blame for the relationship issues, but they have 0 blame when it comes to the affair itself.

Ellison WD, Rosenstein LK, Morgan TA, Zimmerman M. Community and Clinical Epidemiology of Borderline Personality Disorder. Psychiatr Clin North Am. 2018 Dec;41(4):561-573.

 

[hamadryad]

Also many of the "safe" guys do hold attractive traits, as success, comfort, and security are attractive to women.

They are only attractive on a lifestyle level....Those guys will almost always get cheated on or dumped eventually...Those are the women giving starfish sex, so they can keep the Land Rover and the shore house....The minute she gets a chance to crack, she'll be swinging from the chandelier with another guy that makes her wet...

Hamadryad TAM forum.2022...

 

[Talker67]

I akdo believe that almost 100% of the time, theILYBINILWY speech is by nature given as a result of cheating in one form or another. It’s from the script of the play nobody ever gets to see in school or discussed, but in theatres near you quite often.

it must be a phrase that gets passed around from toxic friend to toxic friend, or pushed in women's magazines.....they all seem to know the words.

as far as the poor OP getting pilloried here for being beta...hey, it is who he is. we all feel sorry for the situation he is in, but a lot of the things suggested here...he is simply not going to be able to do.

If i ever saw a guy who was better set up to become a cuckold....it is the OP. he might enjoy that sort of lifestyle, and get a few more years of marriage out of her before they finally divorce. the story plays like a cuckold story already: "i read her smart watch about her giving the guy a BJ, and not regretting it. i was jealous, but turned on at the same time....and knowing her girlfriend knew all about it made me more turned on"