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Hi all, I'm new to this. I recently found out (only within the past month) my wife has been sexting other guys, and on one occasion was actually at another guys house "with him". She went under the pretense of helping him clean his house because he was going through a tough time (he's single, has kids of his own, but was cheated on himself). I know the OM, I'm not "friends" with him per se, but I know him to talk to him.

Long story short, the night she came home from his house, we were in bed and I got up to get a drink. She has a smartwatch that she had left on the edge of the fireplace. I noticed it vibrating so I picked it up to move it and had noticed FB messages from one of her girlfriends asking "describing" questions about what had happened.. Very descriptive questions so I knew something was up. I checked her facebook from my computer since she's logged in and sure enough.. She gave the guy a BJ and "didn't regret what happened", "she'd never done anything like that in her marriage before", and "it was nice seeing a different **** after so many years".

She doesn't know that I know. I did screenshot all the convos with the OM and her girlfriend about the encounter..

On top of that, before any of this happened (about a month before) she had told me she only felt like we were roommates and friends. She loved me but wasn't in love. It was mostly my fault for this part as I myself was emotionally distant for years, and was oblivious to what it was doing to her. We do have 3 kids together so I have to think about them in all of this. I told her at that point I was commited to changing myself for her to be better. So I'm dealing with the stress of trying to reconcile, on top of finding out she also betrayed me like this.

I can't really be angry at her. I wasn't there for a long time emotionally so she feels checked out. I'm at a point now where I do want to forgive her and hopefully move on with my own healing. Prior to finding this other stuff out I was working on improving myself. After finding out about what she did I feel like I'm back to square one. I still try to put on a happy face to try to reconcile, but I don't know how to confront her about the other stuff.

I want to let her know what I know, but I don't know what the best approach is.

My other thing is.. Do I confront the OM? Like I know we'll cross paths at some point (small town). I'm not mad at him. He was also going through a bunch of his own **** (I know it's no excuse).

I want to let him know I don't hold a grudge (and it is the truth), but I want to let him know how I'm feeling. I want to forgive and move on. I'm just so lost right now I can't keep my head on straight.
She is in the wrong, even though her girlfriends probably are a bad influence on her? Tell her to leave and think about what she did. Don’t be sorry. Take control and think about what you want.
 

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How could I be ready to just forgive and move on? It's because I still love my wife. I still have a hope that we can move past this.
OP, Love is NOT enough, it never has been and it never will be.

Hope isn't a plan, it never was and it never will be.

I get it, your reality sucks, but you need to deal with reality and you are not doing that.
 

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Hi all, I'm new to this. I recently found out (only within the past month) my wife has been sexting other guys, and on one occasion was actually at another guys house "with him". She went under the pretense of helping him clean his house because he was going through a tough time (he's single, has kids of his own, but was cheated on himself). I know the OM, I'm not "friends" with him per se, but I know him to talk to him.

Long story short, the night she came home from his house, we were in bed and I got up to get a drink. She has a smartwatch that she had left on the edge of the fireplace. I noticed it vibrating so I picked it up to move it and had noticed FB messages from one of her girlfriends asking "describing" questions about what had happened.. Very descriptive questions so I knew something was up. I checked her facebook from my computer since she's logged in and sure enough.. She gave the guy a BJ and "didn't regret what happened", "she'd never done anything like that in her marriage before", and "it was nice seeing a different **** after so many years".

She doesn't know that I know. I did screenshot all the convos with the OM and her girlfriend about the encounter..

On top of that, before any of this happened (about a month before) she had told me she only felt like we were roommates and friends. She loved me but wasn't in love. It was mostly my fault for this part as I myself was emotionally distant for years, and was oblivious to what it was doing to her. We do have 3 kids together so I have to think about them in all of this. I told her at that point I was commited to changing myself for her to be better. So I'm dealing with the stress of trying to reconcile, on top of finding out she also betrayed me like this.

I can't really be angry at her. I wasn't there for a long time emotionally so she feels checked out. I'm at a point now where I do want to forgive her and hopefully move on with my own healing. Prior to finding this other stuff out I was working on improving myself. After finding out about what she did I feel like I'm back to square one. I still try to put on a happy face to try to reconcile, but I don't know how to confront her about the other stuff.

I want to let her know what I know, but I don't know what the best approach is.

My other thing is.. Do I confront the OM? Like I know we'll cross paths at some point (small town). I'm not mad at him. He was also going through a bunch of his own **** (I know it's no excuse).

I want to let him know I don't hold a grudge (and it is the truth), but I want to let him know how I'm feeling. I want to forgive and move on. I'm just so lost right now I can't keep my head on straight.
It is likely the OM is ecstatic about his actions. He pulled one over you and, unless you have proof of him being involved, there is no benefit to confronting him. It could result in a lawsuit from him to you and you could lose that lawsuit. I'd only confront if you're not concerned about jailtime. Then, you do what you need to do. If you confront him, he'll just laugh behind your back. He knows that he hurt you and he doesn't care, regardless of what he might say to you.

It's just your wife you have to deal with. There, dump her and move on. If she shows contrition, on your terms, then you could consider reconciliation. However, that reconciliation should not happen for a couple of years, as she has to earn her way back into your life.
 

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It is likely the OM is ecstatic about his actions. He pulled one over you and, unless you have proof of him being involved, there is no benefit to confronting him. It could result in a lawsuit from him to you and you could lose that lawsuit. I'd only confront if you're not concerned about jailtime. Then, you do what you need to do. If you confront him, he'll just laugh behind your back. He knows that he hurt you and he doesn't care, regardless of what he might say to you.

It's just your wife you have to deal with. There, dump her and move on. If she shows contrition, on your terms, then you could consider reconciliation. However, that reconciliation should not happen for a couple of years, as she has to earn her way back into your life.
I like to stack the garbage on the curb for pickup.
 

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I would have confronted the wife immediately but I would also contact the OM too.

Sometimes when the spouse steps out on a marriage they tell their AP they are single and the AP is none the wiser because they don't know the spouse. You can't really blame the AP in those cases because they are in the dark. If the AP does know the spouse then they are just as guilty as the cheating spouse. I don't think I would confront the OM in person to avoid a possible physical confrontation but I would call or email him and tell him what a POS he is.
 

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Confront a man because your wife sucked his ****? Well, he can’t even confront the little “lady”. Prolly not gonna confront the dude.
But if this is actual reality, OP needs to ditch the witch. Then think about why it took so long to do so.
 

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One universal truth is passive men get cheated on, even more then guys who are workaholics or dissent.
 

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How on earth were you able to keep your cool after learning your wife had just given a guy you know a BJ? I think that knowing some dude nutted in her mouth a few hours earlier would fill me with rage, yet you say you’re not mad at him?

If you have been emotionally absent and she was unhappy, she should have divorced you not engage in an affair that she gleefully shares details with her cheerleading friends.

The reason to hold your cards is to do a shock and awe campaign of serving d papers and exposing her affair to family and friends of both parties.
Because he's in shock? Because he blames himself?

@Panik_HeavyHeart You are responsible for yourself and what you did. But your wife's cheating? That is 100% on her. Her cheating is not your fault.

Your wife has told her friends that she is cheating on you. That's something for you to keep in mind.

She had performed a sex act on another man? Then she needs to get an STD test as oral sex can transmit STDs.

Keep posting, we have your back.
 

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Here's how it's going to go down.

"Dear there's something I need to um.. sss..pp..eaakk to yyouu abbout.."

"What do you want I'm kind of in a hurry here!"

"I know you blew some guy and I forgive you!"

Her: "Was there anything else? I was just leaving the house to go out for a bit..."

Don't be that guy. Find your strength.
 

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Because he's in shock? Because he blames himself?

@Panik_HeavyHeart You are responsible for yourself and what you did. But your wife's cheating? That is 100% on her. Her cheating is not your fault.

Your wife has told her friends that she is cheating on you. That's something for you to keep in mind.

She had performed a sex act on another man? Then she needs to get an STD test as oral sex can transmit STDs.

Keep posting, we have your back.
Who cares if she gets tested. He has to get tested.
She just needs to get gone.

If the OP does choose to reconcile, then she must get tested as one of the couple dozen conditions that should be imposed upon her for her infidelity..
 

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So I'm dealing with the stress of trying to reconcile, on top of finding out she also betrayed me like this.
The order of operations: Marriage, affair, confrontation/DDay, separate/divorce, cheater comes to terms with their actions and shows remorse, try for reconciliation.

You went from marriage straight to reconciliation and skipped all the parts in between, and didn’t even let her in on your plan… were you ever planning on telling her you decided to reconcile what she didn’t even know she was in danger of losing? This is so WEIRD. It’s like you’re married to yourself and you just make all the decisions and she’s a passenger. Does she even WANT to reconcile??? Maybe ask her first?

*preferably after you tell her you know she had another man’s wang in her mouth.
 

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Panik

You wrote,

She went under the pretense of helping him clean his house because he was going through a tough time (he's single, has kids of his own, but was cheated on himself).

Major technique for OMs to get women to fall for them is to try and get sympathy from the woman, generally by telling a large number of lies. Yes there was cheating and OM is going through hard times, but the cheating was likely by the OM he just reversed the story he told to your WW. For the sake of your kids secure your finances now the other thing OMs look for in a woman is money. Speak with his exW you may find out that the OM has had alot of other women and his exW just got sick of HIS serial cheating.

On top of that, before any of this happened (about a month before) she had told me she only felt like we were roommates and friends. She loved me but wasn't in love.

The affair was already ongoing then, the "I love you but am not in love with you" is a classic cheater phrase. How does she know she's not in love with you? Because she was already passionately and romantically in love with OM.

There is no friending the OM he attacked you and your children by recklessly risking their family and well being.
 

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This is what I needed. I'm planning on confronting her. I just needed to find the motivation to do it. reading all these replies really painted a better picture of how I'm seeing myself right now and was the kick in the ass I needed. I want things to be good between us for the kids sake, but I don't want it to be at my own expense.
I think the key is to know what you want before you confront. Know how you want to present what you know, know whether you want space from her or want to end the marriage or go to counseling. Personally, having been through this, you should at a minimum put space between you for some time. You need it and she needs to know you need it. I did this after finding out about my husband's infidelity and it was the best advice I got. It hurt like crazy. I just wanted to see him and shake some f***g answers out of him, but not seeing him during that time is one of the proudest things I have done in my life. It was me saying "You don't get to screw around and have me around, too." It made him think.

Anyway, you don't have to know if you want to salvage the marriage or if you will be able to forgive. All you need to know is what you want to have happen when the conversation is over. Don't talk to her until you know that.
 

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It was literally a month ago, everything is fresh in my mind.



I was going through my own ****. I just didn't realize what it was doing to my wife. This is why I'm blaming myself for that part, but not for her infidelity.
But how could you NOT be furious every time you look at her mouth and realize another man’s member has recently been in there?
Why wouldn’t that make you furious NOW?
 

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If you hope to Get her to want to fight for her you, she needs to see a strong response from you. Serving her D papers without warning and exposing her and him to their families on the same day shows strength and that you’re not to be taken for granted.
when you expose to her family, you tell them how hurt you are and how you really want to save the family, not that your daughter/sister is a whor.. give them the pg details and name the guy and gal she’s bragging to. That way if you do end up divorcing, she can’t try to spin this into you being paranoid and that she started dating OM after you were broken up.

You should Get into her phone, and devices so you can do a deep dive into her text, social media, and email to determine how long this has been going on. The fact that her friend was prodding for the dirty details, means that this has been building for a while.

Please stop blaming yourself. You can take the blame for 50 percent of the marital issues but her affair is on her 100%.
What he said x 1000!
 
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Do what you want, but knowing people in my own life, and a lot of what I have read, there is a better chance to get struck by lightning while being attacked by a Great White, then to recover and reconcile from this...Even the one guy I know who is deeply religious. while technically still married to her, admits he's never going to recover and can't even look at her the same ever again...

Forget about the sex for a minute...

When most people decide to cross that bridge, they do it because they frankly no longer value their SO...Its really as simple as that, IME...They are no longer afraid to lose whatever it is they had...If they valued it, they wouldn't risk losing it...They may even like or love certain aspects, but that which makes a relationship more than friends or acquaintances, is for all intents and purposes....gone....
 
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