How to confront wife and potentially OM regarding infidelity

27618 Views 115 Replies 54 Participants Last post by MattMatt, Jan 28, 2022

Panik_HeavyHeart

Discussion Starter · Jan 13, 2022

Hi all, I'm new to this. I recently found out (only within the past month) my wife has been sexting other guys, and on one occasion was actually at another guys house "with him". She went under the pretense of helping him clean his house because he was going through a tough time (he's single, has kids of his own, but was cheated on himself). I know the OM, I'm not "friends" with him per se, but I know him to talk to him.

Long story short, the night she came home from his house, we were in bed and I got up to get a drink. She has a smartwatch that she had left on the edge of the fireplace. I noticed it vibrating so I picked it up to move it and had noticed FB messages from one of her girlfriends asking "describing" questions about what had happened.. Very descriptive questions so I knew something was up. I checked her facebook from my computer since she's logged in and sure enough.. She gave the guy a BJ and "didn't regret what happened", "she'd never done anything like that in her marriage before", and "it was nice seeing a different **** after so many years".

She doesn't know that I know. I did screenshot all the convos with the OM and her girlfriend about the encounter..

On top of that, before any of this happened (about a month before) she had told me she only felt like we were roommates and friends. She loved me but wasn't in love. It was mostly my fault for this part as I myself was emotionally distant for years, and was oblivious to what it was doing to her. We do have 3 kids together so I have to think about them in all of this. I told her at that point I was commited to changing myself for her to be better. So I'm dealing with the stress of trying to reconcile, on top of finding out she also betrayed me like this.

I can't really be angry at her. I wasn't there for a long time emotionally so she feels checked out. I'm at a point now where I do want to forgive her and hopefully move on with my own healing. Prior to finding this other stuff out I was working on improving myself. After finding out about what she did I feel like I'm back to square one. I still try to put on a happy face to try to reconcile, but I don't know how to confront her about the other stuff.

I want to let her know what I know, but I don't know what the best approach is.

My other thing is.. Do I confront the OM? Like I know we'll cross paths at some point (small town). I'm not mad at him. He was also going through a bunch of his own **** (I know it's no excuse).

I want to let him know I don't hold a grudge (and it is the truth), but I want to let him know how I'm feeling. I want to forgive and move on. I'm just so lost right now I can't keep my head on straight.

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BigDaddyNY

· #41 · Jan 13, 2022

Panik_HeavyHeart said:
Hi all, I'm new to this. I recently found out (only within the past month) my wife has been sexting other guys, and on one occasion was actually at another guys house "with him". She went under the pretense of helping him clean his house because he was going through a tough time (he's single, has kids of his own, but was cheated on himself). I know the OM, I'm not "friends" with him per se, but I know him to talk to him.

Long story short, the night she came home from his house, we were in bed and I got up to get a drink. She has a smartwatch that she had left on the edge of the fireplace. I noticed it vibrating so I picked it up to move it and had noticed FB messages from one of her girlfriends asking "describing" questions about what had happened.. Very descriptive questions so I knew something was up. I checked her facebook from my computer since she's logged in and sure enough.. She gave the guy a BJ and "didn't regret what happened", "she'd never done anything like that in her marriage before", and "it was nice seeing a different **** after so many years".

She doesn't know that I know. I did screenshot all the convos with the OM and her girlfriend about the encounter..

On top of that, before any of this happened (about a month before) she had told me she only felt like we were roommates and friends. She loved me but wasn't in love. It was mostly my fault for this part as I myself was emotionally distant for years, and was oblivious to what it was doing to her. We do have 3 kids together so I have to think about them in all of this. I told her at that point I was commited to changing myself for her to be better. So I'm dealing with the stress of trying to reconcile, on top of finding out she also betrayed me like this.

I can't really be angry at her. I wasn't there for a long time emotionally so she feels checked out. I'm at a point now where I do want to forgive her and hopefully move on with my own healing. Prior to finding this other stuff out I was working on improving myself. After finding out about what she did I feel like I'm back to square one. I still try to put on a happy face to try to reconcile, but I don't know how to confront her about the other stuff.

I want to let her know what I know, but I don't know what the best approach is.

My other thing is.. Do I confront the OM? Like I know we'll cross paths at some point (small town). I'm not mad at him. He was also going through a bunch of his own **** (I know it's no excuse).

I want to let him know I don't hold a grudge (and it is the truth), but I want to let him know how I'm feeling. I want to forgive and move on. I'm just so lost right now I can't keep my head on straight.

Did she kiss you when she got home from his house after she sucked him off? If she did, think about that for a moment and how much respect she has for you. She doesn't even regret it. Wait till you confront and she is oh so sorry, you'll know she is more of a liar than she already is.

I can see it though, you will just roll over and take it like a good doormat.

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Evinrude58

· #42 · Jan 13, 2022

Panik_HeavyHeart said:
Not really the response I was after, but I figured I'd see a couple of them. And I understand them completely. Trust me - I thought about the same thing. How could I be ready to just forgive and move on? It's because I still love my wife. I still have a hope that we can move past this.

As for the other guy - he did regret it afterwards (like I said, I had seen the convos). It was a heat of the moment thing.

Which is why I'm willing to forgive. Yes - she says she didn't regret it at the time but that was immediately afterwards. I don't know how she's feeling now about it. It only happened the once (due to work schedules they haven't been able to get back together).

So your wife went over to another guy’s hone and presumably you allowed this since you said it was “under the guise of”.
You are getting what every man that fails to stand up for reasonable boundaries and provides their partner with a sense of clear consequence for infidelity.
100% guarantee this won’t be the last fine she cheats. You’re actually encouraging it by your incredibly weak, passive behavior.

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ConanHub

· #43 · Jan 13, 2022

Panik_HeavyHeart said:
Not really the response I was after, but I figured I'd see a couple of them. And I understand them completely. Trust me - I thought about the same thing. How could I be ready to just forgive and move on? It's because I still love my wife. I still have a hope that we can move past this.

As for the other guy - he did regret it afterwards (like I said, I had seen the convos). It was a heat of the moment thing.

Which is why I'm willing to forgive. Yes - she says she didn't regret it at the time but that was immediately afterwards. I don't know how she's feeling now about it. It only happened the once (due to work schedules they haven't been able to get back together).

Testosterone my man, try it. You'll like it.

Until you pull your testicles out of your wife's purse and grow a spine, I have nothing for you because, though your wife and her boyfriend are being vile, backstabbing cheaters, you are making yourself too attractive a target for it.

She can pretty much do whatever she wants and she apparently knows it being with you.

I'll be forever amazed at men like you, who have their wives disrespecting them, treating them like garbage and rewriting history along with having sex with their boyfriends and not only enjoying it but feeling no regret at all about it and disrespecting you further by talking to her friends about it.

Your children are being given terrible templates that will impact their adult lives by seeing a disrespectful, skank of a mom walking all over their weak, pushover dad.

You might want to try reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy" but aside from that, I don't think you have a prayer.

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ConanHub

· #44 · Jan 13, 2022

Mybabysgotit said:
If another's mans **** in her mouth doesn't motivate you to confront her, then I would suspect whatever advice you get on here won't motivate you either.

Seriously! What the hell is going on???!!! Has some mass chemical castration happened and turned a ton of men into passive lapdogs?

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BigDaddyNY

· #45 · Jan 13, 2022

ConanHub said:
Seriously! What the hell is going on???!!! Has some mass chemical castration happened and turned a ton of men into passive lapdogs?

He's been sitting on this for a month! How many times has she blown him since the first time!? THEE second I found that level of irrefutable proof we would be taking the kids to grandmas and having a "talk".

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ConanHub

· #46 · Jan 13, 2022

BigDaddyNY said:
He's been sitting on this for a month! How many times has she blown him since the first time!? THEE second I found that level of irrefutable proof we would be taking the kids to grandmas and having a "talk".

There would have been a come to Jesus conversation as soon as she started spouting the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" bull ****.

There's a nice big divorcee club she would be qualified for if she didn't rectify that nonsense immediately.

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re16

· #47 · Jan 13, 2022

Panik_HeavyHeart said:
It was literally a month ago, everything is fresh in my mind.

I was going through my own ****. I just didn't realize what it was doing to my wife. This is why I'm blaming myself for that part, but not for her infidelity.

She said that because she was in emotional affair with this guy (EA). It since upgraded to full physical because she wanted it to.

Can you elaborate / generalize about your issues briefly, was it short / term or long / term.... what was the general nature of the issue?

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re16

· #48 · Jan 13, 2022

BigDaddyNY said:
He's been sitting on this for a month! How many times has she blown him since the first time!? THEE second I found that level of irrefutable proof we would be taking the kids to grandmas and having a "talk".

I think he said she felt out of touch / disconnected a month ago.... the BJ was more recent.

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Dictum Veritas

· #49 · Jan 13, 2022

BigDaddyNY said:
He's been sitting on this for a month! How many times has she blown him since the first time!? THEE second I found that level of irrefutable proof we would be taking the kids to grandmas and having a "talk".

To be honest, and only because it happened, the moment I had my proof, she went out the door. I know the legal beagles would cry havoc, I don't care. She was out and 20 years later, she tried to talk to me through my sister. My sister asked me if she could have my contact info. "F... No!" That was it!

My lawyer spoke to her lawyer during the divorce and I had to "break in" to my own house once to re-establish residency. I may have had sex with her one last time a day before the divorce "for old time sake", but that was that.

Get a woman who doesn't think it's your turn now, but that you are the one. Would it last, who knows, but literally no other woman has cheated on you. That makes them better than her.

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re16

· #50 · Jan 13, 2022

Letting her help out a guy friend post ILYBNILWY was a bad idea.

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re16

· #51 · Jan 13, 2022

Dictum Veritas said:
To be honest, and only because it happened, the moment I had my proof, she went out the door. I know the legal beagles would cry havoc, I don't care. She was out and 20 years later, she tried to talk to me through my sister. My sister asked me if she could have my contact info. "F... No!" That was it!

My lawyer spoke to her lawyer during the divorce and I had to "beak in" to my own house once to re-establish residency. I may have had sex with her one last time a day before the divorce "for old time sake", but that was that.

Get a woman who doesn't think it's your turn now, but that you are the one. Would it last, who knows, but literally no other woman has cheated on you. That makes them better than her.

I am with you Dictum. I'd be dropping her bags off today, prior to even talking to her or the OM about it. The lawyers will come, but there is no reason to stand for this for even 1 minute in my book.

Scorched earth would be the path.

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Talker67

· #52 · Jan 13, 2022

Megaforce said:
Finding oneself in this position, sometimes, motivates a person to, finally, stop acting like a doormat going forward. So much misinformation about acting with self respect constituting " toxic masculinity " etc. A lot of guys are going so overboard on this beta male persona they adopt.
It is possible to be respectful, kind etc without losing your identity. What a low sense of entitlement this guy has. Maybe this will wake him up, hopefully in a different relationship, as who wants to remain with a cheater? He needs to get out, as his wife, regardless of any changes he makes, has imprinted him as a weak man.

i suippose that is possible...being a laid back person, to the point of letting a spouse walk all over them, then one day having taken just one step too far, and finally changing and becoming assertive about it.

Also, if you recognize you lack assertiveness, you can take assertiveness training.

Dictum Veritas

· #53 · Jan 13, 2022

re16 said:
I am with you Dictum. I'd be dropping her bags off today, prior to even talking to her or the OM about it. The lawyers will come, but there is no reason to stand for this for even 1 minute in my book.

Scorched earth would be the path.

It's not easy, but very little in life worth it is.

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Talker67

· #54 · Jan 13, 2022

re16 said:
I am with you Dictum. I'd be dropping her bags off today, prior to even talking to her or the OM about it. The lawyers will come, but there is no reason to stand for this for even 1 minute in my book.

Scorched earth would be the path.

yeah, but if your personality is not aggressive, nor assertive, that sort of action is pretty foreign to your way of thinking.

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re16

· #55 · Jan 13, 2022

Talker67 said:
yeah, but if your personality is not aggressive, nor assertive, that sort of action is pretty foreign to your way of thinking.

Well, hopefully OP takes note and realizes this is truly the only path forward.

Any male that did up reconciling successfully on this board pretty much went ballistic in the beginning...

ETA: the beauty is it starts the road to recovery regardless of staying together or not

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Dictum Veritas

· #56 · Jan 13, 2022

Talker67 said:
yeah, but if your personality is not aggressive, nor assertive, that sort of action is pretty foreign to your way of thinking.

I was a ***** before this happened to me. There is nothing like another man railing your wife to bring the lion to the fore.

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Hurthusband77

· #57 · Jan 13, 2022

I don’t post much but have lurked here for a long time. The only thing I wanted to mention was how does giving a BJ to some “friend” has anything to do with you being emotionally distant.

You mention she gave you the ILYBNILWY speech about a month before this occurred? I would bet she’s been in an EA or PA for some time.

You can certainly take responsibility for your actions as a husband, but you take 0% of the responsibility for her cheating on you.

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jsmart

· #58 · Jan 13, 2022

@Panik_HeavyHeart have you seen a counselor for possible depression? Your response is of someone who’s medicated. Not saying that as an insult but just the impression many of us are getting from the details you’ve provided. Also, am I reading it correctly that this BJ incident happened a month ago and you still haven’t confronted?

How did you read your wife enthusiastically tell her friend that she had just given this dude BJ and then see her to come back into the room like nothing happened and you not confront her then and there, is a level of passivity that we rarely see here. And believe me, we get a lot of passive men posting their story here.

I’m going to strongly suggest that you get yourself checked out for low T levels. Having low T, can lead to depression in men, which I think you may be suffering from.

I know some of the post may seem harsh but we really do want to help you. We see so many threads. Many of the stories have similar lies and excuses. If you’re were to read a lot of the threads, you start to see what works and what doesn’t. Consistently we see that passive BHs that allow themselves to remain in a limbo and are waiting for their wife to make the decisions, end up with a WW that will continue to see her OM and that takes her disrespect to new lows. The BHs who boldly do a shock and awe campaign combined with an ice cold 180 end up with wives that are scrambling to save the marriage. Sadly, we get more guys that do the rug sweep with a serving of trying to nice their wife.

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hamadryad

· #59 · Jan 13, 2022 (Edited)

You can blow her life up, blow his life up, whatever...All it's going to do is ramp up the drama, delay the inevitable, you will likely get more gory details than what you already know that you now have to process with no positive end result other than potential retribution...Heck, maybe the other guy gets so pissed off over it that he knocks you the hell out, or takes a Louisville slugger to your car.. Then you can escalate it further....and continue the garbage for who knows how long...Plus I wouldn't want my kids to go through all that...But that's me..

There is nothing to really negotiate or think about... You have all you need....in my view....Get your ducks in a row and serve her...Show her your proof and tell her there is no negotiation..Make sure your kids are protected and do not get them in the middle of it....

Whether you like it or not, you won't get her out of your life completely because of the kids...You need to handle this like a Boss and don't show weakness...Whether you decide to create all the drama by blowing everything up is your choice, but it won't come without a lot of stress, yelling and screaming, having to watch your back, and will only delay the inevitable...Personally you will look stronger in the end just swiftly kicking her to the curb and moving on..,But do as you wish...

Hang in there, and take heed of all the good advice already given...

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Dictum Veritas

· #60 · Jan 13, 2022

hamadryad said:
You can blow her life up, blow his life up, whatever...All it's going to do is ramp up the drama, with no positive end result other than potential retribution...Heck, maybe the other guy gets so pissed off over it that he knocks you the hell out, or takes a Louisville slugger to your car.. Then you can escalate it further....and continue the garbage for who knows how long...Plus I wouldn't want my kids to go through all that...But that's me..

There is nothing to really negotiate or think about... You have all you need....in my view....Get your ducks in a row and serve her...Show her your proof and tell her there is no negotiation..Make sure your kids are protected and do not get them in the middle of it....

Whether you like it or not, you won't get her out of your life completely because of the kids...You need to handle this like a Boss and don't show weakness...Whether you decide to create all the drama by blowing everything up is your choice, but it won't come without a lot of stress, yelling and screaming, and will only delay the inevitable...Personally you will look stronger in the end just swiftly kicking her to the curb and moving on..,But do as you wish...

Hang in there, and take heed of all the good advice already given...

Here is another perspective. Maximum drama avoids drama. I went nuclear. I exposed, got her fired, got the AP fired did everything to blow them up. I walked out golden. Why? I hired the best shark lawyer I could get and didn't care about the outcome.

I have to say this, we didn't have kids, that would have changed my mind (a little).

I kept the house (didn't want it because it was tainted, but spite). I kept my money and paid her $ 300 (good riddance money) once off.

It can be done. You don't have to be a nice guy unless it sinks you otherwise.

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