[Talker67]

This is what I needed. I'm planning on confronting her. I just needed to find the motivation to do it. reading all these replies really painted a better picture of how I'm seeing myself right now and was the kick in the ass I needed. I want things to be good between us for the kids sake, but I don't want it to be at my own expense.

you seem remarkably at ease with her giving this guy a BJ.
and it seems like the you are admitting the sexual attraction between the two of you has died. you do not offer why you think that has happened.
And it took you some time to come around to the idea of confronting her.

So let me read into this a little....are you somewhat OK with her boffing other guys, and you at home having a "normal" but mostly sexless relationship with her?

If so, it is not an unheard of lifestyle.

Either way, you should of course talk it over with her. If it bothers you a lot, divorce her. if it bothers you alot but you think you can learn to live with it, pursue reconciliation. If it does not bother you, consider becoming her cuckold.

 

[Talker67]

I don't t see many, if any, women being sexually attracted to someone with this level of passivity. It may be too late if you have been this docile too long. Seriously, this is an almost pathological level of weakness.

that is why i wonder if a cuckold lifestyle might fit his persona?

 

[Talker67]

Finding oneself in this position, sometimes, motivates a person to, finally, stop acting like a doormat going forward. So much misinformation about acting with self respect constituting " toxic masculinity " etc. A lot of guys are going so overboard on this beta male persona they adopt.
It is possible to be respectful, kind etc without losing your identity. What a low sense of entitlement this guy has. Maybe this will wake him up, hopefully in a different relationship, as who wants to remain with a cheater? He needs to get out, as his wife, regardless of any changes he makes, has imprinted him as a weak man.

i suippose that is possible...being a laid back person, to the point of letting a spouse walk all over them, then one day having taken just one step too far, and finally changing and becoming assertive about it.

Also, if you recognize you lack assertiveness, you can take assertiveness training.

 

[Talker67]

I am with you Dictum. I'd be dropping her bags off today, prior to even talking to her or the OM about it. The lawyers will come, but there is no reason to stand for this for even 1 minute in my book.

Scorched earth would be the path.

yeah, but if your personality is not aggressive, nor assertive, that sort of action is pretty foreign to your way of thinking.

 

[Talker67]

I akdo believe that almost 100% of the time, theILYBINILWY speech is by nature given as a result of cheating in one form or another. It’s from the script of the play nobody ever gets to see in school or discussed, but in theatres near you quite often.

it must be a phrase that gets passed around from toxic friend to toxic friend, or pushed in women's magazines.....they all seem to know the words.

as far as the poor OP getting pilloried here for being beta...hey, it is who he is. we all feel sorry for the situation he is in, but a lot of the things suggested here...he is simply not going to be able to do.

If i ever saw a guy who was better set up to become a cuckold....it is the OP. he might enjoy that sort of lifestyle, and get a few more years of marriage out of her before they finally divorce. the story plays like a cuckold story already: "i read her smart watch about her giving the guy a BJ, and not regretting it. i was jealous, but turned on at the same time....and knowing her girlfriend knew all about it made me more turned on"

 

[Talker67]

So... why didn't you leave when you got the "I'm not in love with you anymore" speech? Why didn't you consider that was a red flag, that she was giving herself permission to step out?

He did not have us to translate cheater speak into a language he understood