Dude, get some respect for yourself. Your wife performed oral sex on another dude and loved it, you think it’s your fault and you don’t hold a grudge against the guy that happily got a BJ from your wife while probably laughing at you. And you just want to forgive and move on? Get ready for a life of sharing your wife with horny dudes if she doesn’t leave you first.
How to confront wife and potentially OM regarding infidelity
Hi all, I'm new to this. I recently found out (only within the past month) my wife has been sexting other guys, and on one occasion was actually at another guys house "with him". She went under the pretense of helping him clean his house because he was going through a tough time (he's single, has kids of his own, but was cheated on himself). I know the OM, I'm not "friends" with him per se, but I know him to talk to him.
Long story short, the night she came home from his house, we were in bed and I got up to get a drink. She has a smartwatch that she had left on the edge of the fireplace. I noticed it vibrating so I picked it up to move it and had noticed FB messages from one of her girlfriends asking "describing" questions about what had happened.. Very descriptive questions so I knew something was up. I checked her facebook from my computer since she's logged in and sure enough.. She gave the guy a BJ and "didn't regret what happened", "she'd never done anything like that in her marriage before", and "it was nice seeing a different **** after so many years".
She doesn't know that I know. I did screenshot all the convos with the OM and her girlfriend about the encounter..
On top of that, before any of this happened (about a month before) she had told me she only felt like we were roommates and friends. She loved me but wasn't in love. It was mostly my fault for this part as I myself was emotionally distant for years, and was oblivious to what it was doing to her. We do have 3 kids together so I have to think about them in all of this. I told her at that point I was commited to changing myself for her to be better. So I'm dealing with the stress of trying to reconcile, on top of finding out she also betrayed me like this.
I can't really be angry at her. I wasn't there for a long time emotionally so she feels checked out. I'm at a point now where I do want to forgive her and hopefully move on with my own healing. Prior to finding this other stuff out I was working on improving myself. After finding out about what she did I feel like I'm back to square one. I still try to put on a happy face to try to reconcile, but I don't know how to confront her about the other stuff.
I want to let her know what I know, but I don't know what the best approach is.
My other thing is.. Do I confront the OM? Like I know we'll cross paths at some point (small town). I'm not mad at him. He was also going through a bunch of his own **** (I know it's no excuse).
I want to let him know I don't hold a grudge (and it is the truth), but I want to let him know how I'm feeling. I want to forgive and move on. I'm just so lost right now I can't keep my head on straight.
Long story short, the night she came home from his house, we were in bed and I got up to get a drink. She has a smartwatch that she had left on the edge of the fireplace. I noticed it vibrating so I picked it up to move it and had noticed FB messages from one of her girlfriends asking "describing" questions about what had happened.. Very descriptive questions so I knew something was up. I checked her facebook from my computer since she's logged in and sure enough.. She gave the guy a BJ and "didn't regret what happened", "she'd never done anything like that in her marriage before", and "it was nice seeing a different **** after so many years".
She doesn't know that I know. I did screenshot all the convos with the OM and her girlfriend about the encounter..
On top of that, before any of this happened (about a month before) she had told me she only felt like we were roommates and friends. She loved me but wasn't in love. It was mostly my fault for this part as I myself was emotionally distant for years, and was oblivious to what it was doing to her. We do have 3 kids together so I have to think about them in all of this. I told her at that point I was commited to changing myself for her to be better. So I'm dealing with the stress of trying to reconcile, on top of finding out she also betrayed me like this.
I can't really be angry at her. I wasn't there for a long time emotionally so she feels checked out. I'm at a point now where I do want to forgive her and hopefully move on with my own healing. Prior to finding this other stuff out I was working on improving myself. After finding out about what she did I feel like I'm back to square one. I still try to put on a happy face to try to reconcile, but I don't know how to confront her about the other stuff.
I want to let her know what I know, but I don't know what the best approach is.
My other thing is.. Do I confront the OM? Like I know we'll cross paths at some point (small town). I'm not mad at him. He was also going through a bunch of his own **** (I know it's no excuse).
I want to let him know I don't hold a grudge (and it is the truth), but I want to let him know how I'm feeling. I want to forgive and move on. I'm just so lost right now I can't keep my head on straight.
1 - 20 of 116 Posts
I want to let her know what I know, but I don't know what the best approach is.
Jesus dude, you have serious problems but with yourself. How come you can stand there with that knowledge and blaming yourself and absolving the rest of the world. You know that that is a coward's behavior?I want to let him know I don't hold a grudge (and it is the truth), but I want to let him know how I'm feeling. I want to forgive and move on.
You seems to have no boundaries, are a nice domesticated guy afraid of facing reality and what that entails. You need to check your self respect and your dignity. You do what you want is your life,but after being told by your wife that is not in love with you, you are still standing there not even angry at everything you know, and been told. You need at least to show some anger to demonstrate that you are alive, and not just a body walking in this world.
It's time for you to make a decision and confront your wife and give consequences. No consequences, the less respect you'll get from your wife. As it is, she already demonstrated that she has no respect for you or the relationship, so what are you doing there? You may be responsible for the deterioration of your marriage, but you are not responsible for her cheating. That's all on her. What comes after this is ALL ON YOU.
Not really the response I was after, but I figured I'd see a couple of them. And I understand them completely. Trust me - I thought about the same thing. How could I be ready to just forgive and move on? It's because I still love my wife. I still have a hope that we can move past this.Dude, get some respect for yourself. Your wife performed oral sex on another dude and loved it, you think it’s your fault and you don’t hold a grudge against the guy that happily got a BJ from your wife while probably laughing at you. And you just want to forgive and move on? Get ready for a life of sharing your wife with horny dudes if she doesn’t leave you first.
As for the other guy - he did regret it afterwards (like I said, I had seen the convos). It was a heat of the moment thing.
Which is why I'm willing to forgive. Yes - she says she didn't regret it at the time but that was immediately afterwards. I don't know how she's feeling now about it. It only happened the once (due to work schedules they haven't been able to get back together).
How on earth were you able to keep your cool after learning your wife had just given a guy you know a BJ? I think that knowing some dude nutted in her mouth a few hours earlier would fill me with rage, yet you say you’re not mad at him?
If you have been emotionally absent and she was unhappy, she should have divorced you not engage in an affair that she gleefully shares details with her cheerleading friends.
The reason to hold your cards is to do a shock and awe campaign of serving d papers and exposing her affair to family and friends of both parties.
If you have been emotionally absent and she was unhappy, she should have divorced you not engage in an affair that she gleefully shares details with her cheerleading friends.
The reason to hold your cards is to do a shock and awe campaign of serving d papers and exposing her affair to family and friends of both parties.
And what you loving your wife has anything to do with your situation? She doesn't love you. And you are just making excuses, and justification to your passive behavior.It's because I still love my wife.
women rate men as Alpha and Beta. you my friend on a new level we call it Feta
women only respect Alpha men - many Beta men turns to Alpha when they need to.
she cheated because she knows you will forgive - and you will even help her come up with a reason to cheat.
what is next, she is ok to cheat becasue
you were sick?
she was sick?
Global warming?
you got drafted to war so you are not available?
you got old?
........
what is the red line ? appears you have none
women only respect Alpha men - many Beta men turns to Alpha when they need to.
she cheated because she knows you will forgive - and you will even help her come up with a reason to cheat.
what is next, she is ok to cheat becasue
you were sick?
she was sick?
Global warming?
you got drafted to war so you are not available?
you got old?
........
what is the red line ? appears you have none
Here's a different way to look at things. Your wife is supposedly somehow justified because you were emotionally distant. Just wanting to forgive and move on seems like something only a person who is emotionally checked out could do so easily. I think if you want to save your marriage and be more emotionally invested you should display the emotionally appropriate response to your wife doing what she did, hellfire and brimstone comes to mind as appropriate.Hi all, I'm new to this. I recently found out (only within the past month) my wife has been sexting other guys, and on one occasion was actually at another guys house "with him". She went under the pretense of helping him clean his house because he was going through a tough time (he's single, has kids of his own, but was cheated on himself). I know the OM, I'm not "friends" with him per se, but I know him to talk to him.
Long story short, the night she came home from his house, we were in bed and I got up to get a drink. She has a smartwatch that she had left on the edge of the fireplace. I noticed it vibrating so I picked it up to move it and had noticed FB messages from one of her girlfriends asking "describing" questions about what had happened.. Very descriptive questions so I knew something was up. I checked her facebook from my computer since she's logged in and sure enough.. She gave the guy a BJ and "didn't regret what happened", "she'd never done anything like that in her marriage before", and "it was nice seeing a different **** after so many years".
She doesn't know that I know. I did screenshot all the convos with the OM and her girlfriend about the encounter..
On top of that, before any of this happened (about a month before) she had told me she only felt like we were roommates and friends. She loved me but wasn't in love. It was mostly my fault for this part as I myself was emotionally distant for years, and was oblivious to what it was doing to her. We do have 3 kids together so I have to think about them in all of this. I told her at that point I was commited to changing myself for her to be better. So I'm dealing with the stress of trying to reconcile, on top of finding out she also betrayed me like this.
I can't really be angry at her. I wasn't there for a long time emotionally so she feels checked out. I'm at a point now where I do want to forgive her and hopefully move on with my own healing. Prior to finding this other stuff out I was working on improving myself. After finding out about what she did I feel like I'm back to square one. I still try to put on a happy face to try to reconcile, but I don't know how to confront her about the other stuff.
I want to let her know what I know, but I don't know what the best approach is.
My other thing is.. Do I confront the OM? Like I know we'll cross paths at some point (small town). I'm not mad at him. He was also going through a bunch of his own **** (I know it's no excuse).
I want to let him know I don't hold a grudge (and it is the truth), but I want to let him know how I'm feeling. I want to forgive and move on. I'm just so lost right now I can't keep my head on straight.
Confronting and presenting divorce papers I think would be a good start to proving your emotionally invested in the marriage. Being weak and non-confrontational just validates her view that you're checked out and gives her reason to feel OK about stopping by this poor sad guys house for happy time a few times a month.
"I'm not mad at him."
Oh boy......................
Oh boy......................
You probably know only the tip of this iceberg. Go online and check your phone bill. It’ll probably give you a clue as to how long it’s been going on.
Blame-shifting is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.
Sorry man but you need to wake up.
The only one that can make you a chump is yourself.
This is the cheaters script.Hi all, I'm new to this. I recently found out (only within the past month) my wife has been sexting other guys, and on one occasion was actually at another guys house "with him". She went under the pretense of helping him clean his house because he was going through a tough time (he's single, has kids of his own, but was cheated on himself). I know the OM, I'm not "friends" with him per se, but I know him to talk to him.
Long story short, the night she came home from his house, we were in bed and I got up to get a drink. She has a smartwatch that she had left on the edge of the fireplace. I noticed it vibrating so I picked it up to move it and had noticed FB messages from one of her girlfriends asking "describing" questions about what had happened.. Very descriptive questions so I knew something was up. I checked her facebook from my computer since she's logged in and sure enough.. She gave the guy a BJ and "didn't regret what happened", "she'd never done anything like that in her marriage before", and "it was nice seeing a different **** after so many years".
She doesn't know that I know. I did screenshot all the convos with the OM and her girlfriend about the encounter..
On top of that, before any of this happened (about a month before) she had told me she only felt like we were roommates and friends. She loved me but wasn't in love. It was mostly my fault for this part as I myself was emotionally distant for years, and was oblivious to what it was doing to her. We do have 3 kids together so I have to think about them in all of this. I told her at that point I was commited to changing myself for her to be better. So I'm dealing with the stress of trying to reconcile, on top of finding out she also betrayed me like this.
I can't really be angry at her. I wasn't there for a long time emotionally so she feels checked out. I'm at a point now where I do want to forgive her and hopefully move on with my own healing. Prior to finding this other stuff out I was working on improving myself. After finding out about what she did I feel like I'm back to square one. I still try to put on a happy face to try to reconcile, but I don't know how to confront her about the other stuff.
I want to let her know what I know, but I don't know what the best approach is.
My other thing is.. Do I confront the OM? Like I know we'll cross paths at some point (small town). I'm not mad at him. He was also going through a bunch of his own **** (I know it's no excuse).
I want to let him know I don't hold a grudge (and it is the truth), but I want to let him know how I'm feeling. I want to forgive and move on. I'm just so lost right now I can't keep my head on straight.
Blame-shifting is when a person does something wrong or inappropriate, and then dumps the blame on someone else to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior.
Sorry man but you need to wake up.
The only one that can make you a chump is yourself.
This is what I needed. I'm planning on confronting her. I just needed to find the motivation to do it. reading all these replies really painted a better picture of how I'm seeing myself right now and was the kick in the ass I needed. I want things to be good between us for the kids sake, but I don't want it to be at my own expense.Here's a different way to look at things. Your wife is supposedly somehow justified because you were emotionally distant. Just wanting to forgive and move on seems like something only a person who is emotionally checked out could do so easily. I think if you want to save your marriage and be more emotionally invested you should display the emotionally appropriate response to your wife doing what she did, hellfire and brimstone comes to mind as appropriate.
Confronting and presenting divorce papers I think would be a good start to proving your emotionally invested in the marriage. Being weak and non-confrontational just validates her view that you're checked out and gives her reason to feel OK about stopping by this poor sad guys house for happy time a few times a month.
#1 - You can't forgive and offer reconciliation before you've even discussed this with her. She should only get a CHANCE for reconciliation by showing true remorse (not guilt) for what she did.
#2 - Regardless of the other issues between you, cheating is 100% on her.
#3 - This was not a 'mistake', so don't ever let it be called that. It was conscious decision making and she chose to betray you, told others about it, and said she didn't regret it.
#4 - If you simply say I know what you did and I want to work through it, I'm not mad etc... you will look weak in her eyes, and your situation will be worse.
If you simply try to move forward, it is called a rugsweep. At some point, perhaps years down the road, you'll think about how wrong all this is, and you'll then have to deal with it and likely divorce. DO NOT do that. A rugsweep will waste years of both your lives.
If you truly want to save this (and you shouldn't), your best course of action is take swift action to shock her into having to face losing you or moving on.
I would pack some of her stuff in bags, take it to the OM's house, and tell him he can have her. Send your wife a picture of the bags on his porch and tell her that she is moving to her boyfriend's house.
Do not act weak. Set an example for your kids about how to not accept being treated poorly.
#2 - Regardless of the other issues between you, cheating is 100% on her.
#3 - This was not a 'mistake', so don't ever let it be called that. It was conscious decision making and she chose to betray you, told others about it, and said she didn't regret it.
#4 - If you simply say I know what you did and I want to work through it, I'm not mad etc... you will look weak in her eyes, and your situation will be worse.
If you simply try to move forward, it is called a rugsweep. At some point, perhaps years down the road, you'll think about how wrong all this is, and you'll then have to deal with it and likely divorce. DO NOT do that. A rugsweep will waste years of both your lives.
If you truly want to save this (and you shouldn't), your best course of action is take swift action to shock her into having to face losing you or moving on.
I would pack some of her stuff in bags, take it to the OM's house, and tell him he can have her. Send your wife a picture of the bags on his porch and tell her that she is moving to her boyfriend's house.
Do not act weak. Set an example for your kids about how to not accept being treated poorly.
Without letting you be involved in the decision, you wife put your marriage in about the worst place it could be. It is far, far from good.I want things to be good between us
True recovery from something like this takes many years and it is a rare spouse that is ready to fully accept responsibility for the damage they caused.
Mind movies will be on repeat, you won't trust where she is going.... there is major damage here.
I know you are in an awful place, but you need to come to terms with the fact that there is a 99% chance your marriage is over.
You should be angry that she did this to you and your family.
Be careful, she may to try re-write the marital history to others and blame all this on you.
The cheaters playbook is a common set of things that people in these situations do... listen to the posters here, their warnings are real, and often correct.
This is a sunk cost fallacy that in the end it just so detrimental to you. If for one moment you think that your kids don't sense or perceive, what going on between their parents, then you are sadly mistaken. They don't have to see it for them to know that their parents relationship is a dead one or bad one. Situations like yours is of those where men that have self respect, dignity and are decisive teach their children how a man responds to infidelity. Do you think that later on in life when your children are grown and find that you stayed with a cheating wife that didn't love you, and had not respect for you would say: thank you dad for staying for us. No, quite the contrary, your adult children most likely reaction will be that of losing their respect for you for staying. And that's if they didn't learn that what so far you have done is OK.I want things to be good between us for the kids sake,
I agree with most what has been written.
OP, get some respect for yourself.
Self respect resonates.
Sounds like you have all the evidence you need.
If you want to save your marriage (It's your circus and Monkeys, and you know what you want.) The element of surprise and shock and awe are now your best tools.
Have her served with divorce paperwork quickly and unexpectedly.
At that point, you will know what you have.
If she is truly remorseful and wants to work on your marriage and keep your family intact, she will need to do the work to fix her malfunctions and restore trust.
What she needs to do is on this forum and is repeated 20x a day. Don't have the time to repeat all of it right now.
Get a copy of this book:
www.goodreads.com
You need to read it and give it to her to read if there is anything to save. It is a good start for the work that will be required.
Just go for the jugular. No point messing around. If her heart isn't into being with you, there is no point going through the pain, drama, and gymnastics. Save all this for you and the kids.
I'm not necessarily saying don't forgive her. That's your decision.
However, determine if there is a basis that merits it, and make her work for it.
OP, get some respect for yourself.
Self respect resonates.
Sounds like you have all the evidence you need.
If you want to save your marriage (It's your circus and Monkeys, and you know what you want.) The element of surprise and shock and awe are now your best tools.
Have her served with divorce paperwork quickly and unexpectedly.
At that point, you will know what you have.
If she is truly remorseful and wants to work on your marriage and keep your family intact, she will need to do the work to fix her malfunctions and restore trust.
What she needs to do is on this forum and is repeated 20x a day. Don't have the time to repeat all of it right now.
Get a copy of this book:
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compac…
As an infidelity specialist for 23 years, therapist Lin…
You need to read it and give it to her to read if there is anything to save. It is a good start for the work that will be required.
Just go for the jugular. No point messing around. If her heart isn't into being with you, there is no point going through the pain, drama, and gymnastics. Save all this for you and the kids.
I'm not necessarily saying don't forgive her. That's your decision.
However, determine if there is a basis that merits it, and make her work for it.
Also, her friend is a toxic enabler, if she's married, she is also probably a cheater. Regardless, that friend needs to be out of her life 100% if you are to proceed at all.... she is no friend of the marriage.
I've never personally experienced what you are going through. But being on this forum has taught me a lot. There are probably hundreds of stories like yours on here. If you go through them all I doubt you'll find one where rugsweeping and being nice worked not one. I think you should meet with a lawyer get as much evidence as possible gathered and organized before you confront her tell her she needs to move out while YOU decide what YOU want to do arm her with a list of conditions you will require if you decide to try to work on this but she will be the one who has the work to do.This is what I needed. I'm planning on confronting her. I just needed to find the motivation to do it. reading all these replies really painted a better picture of how I'm seeing myself right now and was the kick in the ass I needed. I want things to be good between us for the kids sake, but I don't want it to be at my own expense.
And a dose of reality to consider and the main reason you might just want to take the divorce route now. She has told you she doesn't love you. You have not only her own words on this but her actions confirm that one thing she was truthful about was not loving you. Sorry that you're in this position but acceptance of reality is the best place to start.
you seem remarkably at ease with her giving this guy a BJ.This is what I needed. I'm planning on confronting her. I just needed to find the motivation to do it. reading all these replies really painted a better picture of how I'm seeing myself right now and was the kick in the ass I needed. I want things to be good between us for the kids sake, but I don't want it to be at my own expense.
and it seems like the you are admitting the sexual attraction between the two of you has died. you do not offer why you think that has happened.
And it took you some time to come around to the idea of confronting her.
So let me read into this a little....are you somewhat OK with her boffing other guys, and you at home having a "normal" but mostly sexless relationship with her?
If so, it is not an unheard of lifestyle.
Either way, you should of course talk it over with her. If it bothers you a lot, divorce her. if it bothers you alot but you think you can learn to live with it, pursue reconciliation. If it does not bother you, consider becoming her cuckold.
When you confront, she may just say she is done... so be prepared for that, I would think its likely not yet time to start talking about reading books together to get passed this, that only comes after she acknowledges the damage, expresses regret, and a desire to save things.
If there isn't a strong desire to put the work in to save it on her side, it is a lost cause.
You have to end the affair first, I'm sure she is enfatuated with this guy. That is why dropping her stuff off to him / confronting him is important... once he realizes that there is a bunch of drama with getting his kicks from her, he will bail on her. And she will be heartbroken that her boyfriend is rejecting her.
If there isn't a strong desire to put the work in to save it on her side, it is a lost cause.
You have to end the affair first, I'm sure she is enfatuated with this guy. That is why dropping her stuff off to him / confronting him is important... once he realizes that there is a bunch of drama with getting his kicks from her, he will bail on her. And she will be heartbroken that her boyfriend is rejecting her.
I don't t see many, if any, women being sexually attracted to someone with this level of passivity. It may be too late if you have been this docile too long. Seriously, this is an almost pathological level of weakness.
1 - 20 of 116 Posts
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