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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
I haven't seen my husband in a year, he is coming for a 4 week holiday to see the kids mainly and maybe find out if we still can be toghether.
He says he is very hurt and doesn't feel I still have a place in his heart but he wants to be toghether because can't immagine not being with his children....

Well, long story short, 5 years ago my husband convinced me to move closer to his parents, from New Zealand to Europe which I did not want but I accepted to make him happy. We agreed that if I did not adjust we would move back. I gave it 2 years, told him I was starting to be depressd and wanted to move back. He agreed and asked for 1 more year to break the news and emotionally prepare his parents. At the end of that year he told me he changed his mind and could not / would not go back because it would break his parents' heart but I can take the kids and go if this is what I really wanted....

At that point I felt my whole world fell to pieces, I felt cheated and hurt. In the end we negotiated that he would look for jobs in another country where I could be happier.

Our relationship was great before this, but slowly started to deteriorate. I stayed for 1 more year but the job did not come. In the end, being too depressed to give it more time and seeing how our relationship was toxic by now, I decided to return to NZ with our kids. I hoped he would miss us and sort out his priorities...and come and join us...or keep looking for that job in another country...

Now, this happened 1 year ago, in the meantime we talked daily on skype and he seemed ok, I was asking him what his plans were and he did not know, he had no plans...He said he lost his peace, his reason of living and his energy and was not able to do anything...He seemed sad and depressed with me, yet all our friends were telling me that he was ok, making jokes, behaving normally...

I asked him what does he want, he said he does not know anymore, that sometimes not being able to see the kids it hurts him so much that he does not want to see me anymore....that I don't have a place in his heart anymore...And that I should not expect even a hug from him at the airport...That his life was horrible this past year...

Anyway, I feel guilty now that I did not have more patience, I feel guilty for his suffering because he is a good dad....Still, I feel he made his own decision by staying and not coming with us ....

Now that he is coming to visit he says he wants a separate room. I asked what does this mean and he tries to explain how this 1 long year apart has affected him, how badly he is hurt and he does not know how to heal his heart and let me back in, he wants to be toghether but does not know if this is possible....

So, in 1 week I will be waiting for him at the airport and bringing him home.
Should I be warm but not too warm, not asking for a hug or a kiss and just waiting ?
Or should I be warm and also sexy, dressed in a summer dress, open and revealing , high heels ?

Should I let him have our bedroom and me the study and just casually ask him the first night if he was sure he wanted this? Or should I say nothing and just slip between the sheets with him?
Or should I just say nothing at all and do nothing, wait for him to say and do anything?


I just can't believe after 1 year apart he wants separate rooms.....:scratchhead:
 

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I'm sorry honey but I think your H has checked out of your marriage and moved on.
When you see him? Be yourself. Wear what you want to wear and don't get your hopes up.
Don't give up your bedroom and don't be so easily available to him. Please have some self respect. I know you have missed him, but I think you both need to have a serious discussion about your future first.
I really think you should start moving on.
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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thank you daisy but I still hope .
I know he means it when he says he still wants to be toghether. He would not lie. He is a good man with a beautiful soul.
I just feel his is so badly hurt that he needs time to see we can work on our problems and find a way to mend our marriage . I love him and I asked him to forgive me for not having more patience ....
 

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On the contrary I think you have shown a lot of patience. I understand your guilt but marriage is about compromise. You tried living overseas and it appears you gave it a good shot, it seems like he hasn't even attempted to find another job so you can be closer.

I understand you want your marriage to work, but does he? That's what you have to get to the bottom of. Does he show any indication that he wants you to be together?
I hope you don't think I'm being hard on you. I don't mean to be. But I think your guilt for moving home is misplaced. I don't want you blaming yourself everything.
I did that when my marriage was in trouble. It took a lot of IC to realise that no, it wasn't all my fault!

All I can advise is don't be too over affectionate and needy. Agree that you need to discuss things but try and let him take the lead. You are living in limbo at the moment and that's not fair to anyone!
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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
You are right daisy.

However:

I feel guilty for his pain that I inflicted by leaving, he told me his pain of not being with the kids is sometimes unbearable, that there are times when he does not see any reason in life...he stopped lookign for jobs after we left because he could barely find energy to go on with his everyday job le alone look for another...

I feel guilty because I was not beside him when he went through a rough period at work and was about to lose his job.

I feel guilty that for months , in our daily conversations I often accused him of abandoning his family for his parents and implying that he is not a good father...

He is a good person who prefers to suffer than to see his parents suffering...
 

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But he is not the only one suffering is he? You all are! I understand about his parents, but then surely his parents should understand his place is with his wife and children? Are his parents controlling?
There seems to be a lot of guilt coming from all sides here. But your Hs duty is to be with his wife and children. Do you think he is using the parents as an excuse by any chance?
I can't imagine any parent being so selfish!
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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Hmm, yes, his parents are controlling.

I believe he is the one who is suffering the most because he is alone while the kids and I are toghether. He can't play with them, he can't hug them, he can't kiss them.....and this for a whole year....I know I would have screamed with dispair and pain if I was in his shoes...I would have hated him and my life....
 

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AnoukNZ

I remember your story from a while back. I agree with Daisy. Be yourself. See how things go. As you would clearly like to rebuild the relationship, it is down to your husband to show you where he wants to go with your marriage. I suggest playing matters by ear and being patient. It could go either way.

Good luck
 
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