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I am a new member here, I am looking for a way to move on with the mixed feelings I have. Just a brief background, my husband is a member of a well known alternative band in our country. Recently I had a few drinks with my husband and he admitted that one time he had a one night stand with a girl but this was a long time ago. I didn't know how to react because I appreciate that he coming clean now but hurt because I never thought that he can do that to me. Then he went on telling all his secrets including an ex who texted him when me and the kids were away. He said that his ex wanted them to meet but he was struck by guilt and never replied.

Before this happened, I was a confident woman. I feel beautiful all the time. Until my husband stopped noticing me. I gained weight after having 3 kids and never felt so ugly in my life. There was a time when I stopped looking in the mirror and I didn't take photos of me anymore. The smart, confident, beautiful girl started sinking and fast.

Now back to present, to be honest I did appreciate that he told me the truth. But it is so hard for me to cope. To not think that he will do it again or what if he comes in a situation where there's temptation.

I forgave him and didn't argue, but the hardest part is forgetting.

How can I forget?
 

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You have to accept that you won't forget.

The most you can do is work through it.

Have you two been to counseling?

Individual counseling for the both of you and couples or marital counseling for you as a team?
 

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We've never been to one and I don't know if there is here in the Philippines. There's no one I can talk to because I don't want people to think negative of him. I mean he's a good husband and a good father to our kids.

I want our marriage to stay healthy but I don't know how I can heal by myself.
 

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We've never been to one and I don't know if there is here in the Philippines. There's no one I can talk to because I don't want people to think negative of him. I mean he's a good husband and a good father to our kids.

I want our marriage to stay healthy but I don't know how I can heal by myself.
There are online resources and counseling you can both partake in and it would be very discreet.

There are also a lot of books available to download to help you both with recovering from infidelity.

There are a lot of things he can do to help you and it is his responsibility to help you heal from how he hurt you anyway.

You shouldn't be doing this alone.

I will try and look up a couple of good books and post the links unless another person beats me to it.
 

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I'm not sure if he's going to be open to that because he wants to end the discussion. When I told him I forgive him he expects me to move on.
 

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I'm not sure if he's going to be open to that because he wants to end the discussion. When I told him I forgive him he expects me to move on.
He is wrong. Working on reconciliation and the damage his terrible behavior inflicted is not something you just get over.

It takes work. He apparently thinks very much of himself and I can't say I'm impressed with him as a man at all.
 

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The crappy truth is that you will never forget, and trust me, you don't want to. I know that sounds ridiculous. Of course you want to forget all about it! The memories, knowledge, worries, and triggers SUCK. Wouldn't it be nice to push the erase button and move on with your life? Sure, it sounds nice but it's really not what you want. Attempting to forget is a guaranteed way to be hurt again.

You are so, so early into this news and process. You can move past it, with or without your husband, but it will take time, patience, and work. If you move forward with your husband then it will take a lot of work on his part as well. Right now, it doesn't seem like he is willing to put in that work. Maybe he just needs a wake up call and, like you, thinks it can just 'go away". Wouldn't that be nice... :rolleyes:

You should not allow your husband to dump this "news" on you, then expect you to just forget about it and move on. He wants you to rug sweep and you cannot allow that to be an option. The ONS needs to be properly dealt with, and I hate to say this but... there is a chance that you only have the tip of the iceberg here. Your husband has proven that he is a liar and can hide information, do not trust a proven liar.

Something you need to understand is that your husband and your marriage are not what you thought they were. I mean, you didn't think your husband would ever cheat, right? That he'd ever hide and lie? That he'd risk your health by having at least one ONS? That he'd risk your children's family all for a quick romp? Yet... he did. So is this really the man and marriage you thought you had? No, it's not.

You say that he's a good husband... he's not.

You say that you want your marriage to stay healthy... it's not.

Both of those can improve but not overnight and not without a lot of work by BOTH of you. If he's not willing to put in the work then regardless of how much you want it to, it will never work out. There are plenty of resources out there to heal from infidelity. Use them. If you are both reluctant to use those resources then you are screwed, honestly. You say you don't want to ruin your husband's image... he did that to himself. His so-called "image" is an illusion anyway.

One big red flag here is that you claim to have forgiven him already. There is no chance that you can forgive that quickly. You may think you have, but trust me, you haven't. If you don't deal with this now it WILL come back up again and again until it's properly dealt with.

"Forgive and forget" is the biggest load of BS out there. You choose to forgive but you cannot forget. Trying to forget (rug sweeping) is a guaranteed way to be hurt again in the future. So don't think about it as "forgive and forget". Instead, this of it as "forgive, but don't forget".

So, if you can't "forget" then how the heck do you move forward? At some point, you will have to accept that the past is the past and that it cannot be changed. That your husband's actions are a reflection on him, not you. You will choose to move forward with that knowledge and acceptance, with or without him.
 

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Oh, you never forget. That’s not possible. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting. It also doesn’t mean rugsweeping which is what your husband is trying to do. If he just wants to pretend it’s all in the past and nothing is required of him then none of this will work.

You’ll have to create a new marriage. The old one is gone. Reconciliation is difficult and takes years to come to terms with. It works for some but not for others. You have to have a completely remorseful spouse who is willing to do the necessary work to rebuild. Even then there are triggers that make you second-guess yourself.

I hope everything works out for you.
 

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I am a new member here, I am looking for a way to move on with the mixed feelings I have. Just a brief background, my husband is a member of a well known alternative band in our country. Recently I had a few drinks with my husband and he admitted that one time he had a one night stand with a girl but this was a long time ago. I didn't know how to react because I appreciate that he coming clean now but hurt because I never thought that he can do that to me. Then he went on telling all his secrets including an ex who texted him when me and the kids were away. He said that his ex wanted them to meet but he was struck by guilt and never replied.

Before this happened, I was a confident woman. I feel beautiful all the time. Until my husband stopped noticing me. I gained weight after having 3 kids and never felt so ugly in my life. There was a time when I stopped looking in the mirror and I didn't take photos of me anymore. The smart, confident, beautiful girl started sinking and fast.

Now back to present, to be honest I did appreciate that he told me the truth. But it is so hard for me to cope. To not think that he will do it again or what if he comes in a situation where there's temptation.

I forgave him and didn't argue, but the hardest part is forgetting.

How can I forget?
You cannot forget. However, with counselling (as a couple and individually) and time you can be helped to develop tools to deal with what he did, to cope with it.

But your husband must play his part. He needs to do the heavy lifting (the hard work) in your relationship to help you.

Him telling you to "move on" is not helpful and shows that he needs to change his attitude.
 

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Your concerns are valid. In addition many unfaithful do what is called trickle truth. So one ONS may not be the whole story. He basically is saying because I was able to trick you for a long time you shouldn't be mad I broke our vows. You should trust me because I just want everything to move forward.

How to be ok with that? I"m not sure. It would make me feel very insecure.
 

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It makes every betrayed spouse feel insecure. Do what you can do to restore your "I'm a pretty girl" spirit. Your husband has hurt you, and unfortunately, can do nothing to restore your self-image, that is all going to have to come from you.
 

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Don't.



Seriously why should you be? Besides it doesn't work that way. But trying to make it will ruin your life.
 
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We've never been to one and I don't know if there is here in the Philippines. There's no one I can talk to because I don't want people to think negative of him. I mean he's a good husband and a good father to our kids.

I want our marriage to stay healthy but I don't know how I can heal by myself.
no, he isn’t a good husband and father since he made a conscious decision to cheat. Don’t think that’s a good husband - it’s not!

and you don’t forget! If you act like it’s easy to forgive he’s likely to cheat again.

what consequences did he endure? Or did he have any consequences?

you make a decision - you either stay knowing he may cheat again - or you leave kowing he likely will cheat again.

what has he done (actions) to repair the damage he caused? Why did he tell you he cheated?
 

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I am a new member here, I am looking for a way to move on with the mixed feelings I have. Just a brief background, my husband is a member of a well known alternative band in our country. Recently I had a few drinks with my husband and he admitted that one time he had a one night stand with a girl but this was a long time ago. I didn't know how to react because I appreciate that he coming clean now but hurt because I never thought that he can do that to me. Then he went on telling all his secrets including an ex who texted him when me and the kids were away. He said that his ex wanted them to meet but he was struck by guilt and never replied.

Before this happened, I was a confident woman. I feel beautiful all the time. Until my husband stopped noticing me. I gained weight after having 3 kids and never felt so ugly in my life. There was a time when I stopped looking in the mirror and I didn't take photos of me anymore. The smart, confident, beautiful girl started sinking and fast.

Now back to present, to be honest I did appreciate that he told me the truth. But it is so hard for me to cope. To not think that he will do it again or what if he comes in a situation where there's temptation.

I forgave him and didn't argue, but the hardest part is forgetting.

How can I forget?

You don't have to, if you don't want to, or if you find you can't.

You were the one wronged. YOU need to be made whole by him. It's not your job "to forget it." It's his job to make your pain go away.

And you're under no obligation to reconcile with him if you don't want to or you feel you can't.
 

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Sorry you are here. If he is in a band then he will be exposed to more of this sort of thing. Ask him how would he feel if you had done that to him. How can you trust him moving on from here. What is he planning to do to regain your trust, because now there is none left. This is not something you ought to carry yourself, he has to help you heal and do the work with you, he created the problem.
Start working on yourself, join a gym, get your hair done build up your self esteem again. You do not need your H for these things.
 

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That's hard to forgive, let alone forget, and he shouldn't just expect you to do either so soon. Is your husband willing to go to counseling? I would think he needs to go more than you do, he clearly was unable to respect boundaries, and was tempted. So he needs to work that out. You may want to go just for the sake of figuring out if you can forgive and let it go.
 

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Without saying too much here....I am quite familiar with the Filipino culture. Divorce is extremely frowned upon and infidelity by men is pretty common. They also don't like to talk about uncomfortable things. Throw in the fact he's a member of a band, and it's very likely (sorry) that he has done this several times, not just once.

This doesn't make your feelings any less worthy or any less legitimate.

Hopefully he will listen to your needs regarding healing. You'll have to be clear about it with him.

Very sorry.
 
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