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@Diana7 @WandaJ I can’t go back where I came from. I sold the house there when I moved here. This house is still on mortgage, which makes it harder. I was thinking of renting it out and move out of this state and get a new job but without a new job, not sure how I’m going to get a new place. I’ve been working all my life since 19 throughout university.

@She'sStillGotIt you’d have to read down to get my questions. 1. It’s safety concern 2. Like the question, I’m now feeling empty and blues and asking suggestions for pick me up ways.
Cant you sell the house and buy another elsewhere? Thats what I would do. You child seems very young yet so moving wouldnt be an issue for him and he wouldn't have a mum who was living in fear.You could sell yours and rent a place there till you can look for another place once you are there or live with your parents for a while.
 

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I can back to my parents but they’re old and I don’t wanna risk exposing them. My relatives are also ... kinda old. My two cousins are stuck in Europe working. I’m on East coast, my parents and relatives are on the other side, even my grandparents. And to be honest I’m scared of getting on the plane.
You seem like a very fearful person. If you have grandparents then your own parents cant be that old, and surely they would want to help?Far better to be with your family than live there in fear surely?
 

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I don't know what country you live in. So options vary. One thing you can do is go to the court and ask them to restrict communications between the two of you to one of the divorced parents websites. It makes it illegal for either of you to communicate except on email through that website, and it keeps all emails and if he threatens you there, you have evidence to take before a judge.

You have a restraining order. Keep that in place. Keep a log of every time you see him when he is breaking the restraining order and CALL THE POLICE. Now that you have a restraining order, they must arrest him if he breaks it. Of course, if possible have some cameras outside and you can show them evidence. Even if not, just keep a log of date and time he came around or contacted you. Report it each time!

By all means, get a gun if it will make you rest easier. You should have a couple of big dogs. They hear everything and give you early warning. They can be inside so he doesn't poison them overnight outside or something.

Just keep calling the police if you hear from him or spot him. It IS a dangerous situation. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. He's not love sick. He's just sick and dangerous.

It's all expensive, but a ring doorbell and a couple of outside cameras, front and back, with motion sensors, you can watch that and see if he's circling you. It's not that expensive. About maybe $250 to buy two cameras and a ring doorbell and then a few dollars a month to subscribe. Not that hard to install. Put the cameras out of his reach. The doorbell is screwed in. If you can wire it right to where your present doorbell is, that's great and keeps you from having to switch out batteries.

Also, let your neighbors and your school and work know and give them a face and full body photo of him. Don't be embarrassed to do it. People are willing to help a damsel in distress and her kids. It makes them feel good. Just tell them, please notify me or call police if you spot him.

Tell your friends and relatives NEVER to share any information with him . Sometimes people are stupid and get conned into feeling sorry for these obsessed jerks.

There are some things you can do with no money to secure your home a little. One of them is to be sure you have two deadbolt locks on each door, and one of them needs to be way high, where you can just barely reach it and where no one would suspect it would be. What happens is they try to kick in the door or pick the lock, but they don't even notice there's one way up high, and if they do, there's NO way they can kick that in because it's too high. The other lock goes in the normal place.

You can also add one more deterrent to many doors by jamming a common kitchen knife into the casement surrounding the door and then the handle part of it being in front of the door. Also put that up high where it can't be kicked in, because it can be kicked in and it would just tear the molding up. But no one can kick that high or hit with enough force. It's just a little more peace of mind at bedtime and you can hear it if someone is jostling the door if it jostles loose and falls.

Outside, you can buy a cowbell at a hardware or feed store and take some clear fishing line and string it between, for example, the next door neighbor's fence and the window on the side of your house. Do that down low, just a couple of feet off the ground and obscured by some brush if possible. What that does it will alert you if someone is trying to get to your side windows on your home via the side of your house, which is typically open until the back fence starts. They aren't likely to see the bell at all and will make it go off, alerting you. You can hang that most anywhere either tying it on the ends or stapling it to something.

It's junky, but you can also hide a bunch of empty cans up next to the house where someone might try to enter, like behind a bush in front of a window. They will step on those and it will make noise.

You can also use the same bell trick on the inside of your home and simply string it in front of your windows on the inside, over the blinds or curtains where it's not visible from the outside. It's barely visible anyway. You can use either a cowbell for that or a smaller bell since you will hear it better from the inside. If someone tries to come in a window, that bell will ring. It's cheap and easy.

One shack I lived in when young, the window locks didn't work, but it had window ledges, so I put metal utensils and small pots and lids on the window sills, lower and upper. If someone came in, that stuff would make a huge clatter.

Also, it doesn't hurt to get to know your local police or sheriff. Even if all you do is put a "I support police" sign in your yard or a blue ribbon around a tree, your patrol will take notice. I do that, as well as I have a note about no soliciting telling people I'll call the police on my porch by my doorbell. A couple months ago, I went outside to find a bunch of police cars because a neighbor I didn't know had seen my garage door open too long and was worried about me. A lot of officers showed up. So stay in good relations with your police because you need them now. There are community meeting you can attend to meet them and learn things and help them out, and they get to know your face. You can tell them your situation. You can find out who your local patrol is (they are assigned certain areas and one may be doing tickets, while one may just be doing a security patrol.)

Likely there are one or two people assigned to your area. If you see them stopped in the neighborhood just sitting, you can get out and introduce yourself, tell them where you live and your situation, too, learn their names and they learn yours.

You may have a Crime Watch in your neighborhood, or you could talk to the police and get one started. That way, you have volunteer neighboors patroling your house regularly, especially if you volunteer and do a shift once a week or whatever.

Sorry for this long post. I hope it has given you some ideas.

I do need to ask, has he threatened you lately? I know you said it's been a year. Is he still getting worse with threats?
 

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Discussion Starter #24
I can’t sell this house. It’s joint ownership on the deed and court isn’t finalized yet.

I’ve... seen him in the backyard. There’s no fence. I’ve talked to a few of my neighbors into helping me putting fence. Both sides of my neighbors already got fence so I only need the back and front of house a bit.

I’ve also told the police he’s violated the restraining order by coming here. That aside, bottom line, if they catch him, he’s in jail but he will come out and not to mention before they catch him, what good will it do me if he gets to me first, right?

My parents are in their 60s, my grandparents are over 80s which is why I can’t go to them, covid? Not to mention it’s dangerous to travel and I’m an underlying patient. Flying is risky and driving to move house from east coast to L.A. is no fun. Besides I got no job, I can’t go to them, I might as well try to build a fortress here.

I’m thinking of installing one of those house alarm. Would that work with the windows too? Instead of bells. I may check out those cameras ideas. Thank you.
 

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I wasn’t someone easily scared. After he tried to kill me twice, even if I survived both times and I failed to get evidence to get him arrested for attempted murder, yes, I’ve become scared. I’ve barely escaped with my life the third time if the police didn’t arrive first.
 

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I thought I would be free after divorce, but how can I be free if I’m still scared of him?

I’m still scared one day he might shoot me dead like he threatened me, restraining order or not, there’s no guarantee stopping him from really doing that. I’ve bought baseball bat, stun gun to reassure myself but I’m still a little concerned. Would it help if I get a gun license?

Also, now I’ve slipped into... blues mode. It’s been a year ish, I don’t think I’m sad over my marriage anymore. I knew it was over a long time ago, I just stayed because I thought I was doing it for the kid but staying was a mistake, more harm than good. He was very abusive and being the witness to all that traumatized the kid. I should’ve left sooner.

Anyway, the last few months, I found myself becoming sad, feeling empty, cry for no reason, emotionally drained. My question is, any suggestion how to cheer myself up? I tried distracting myself with work. Not working, now I’m having trouble focusing. Also, in case what you have in mind is start another relationship, be it casual or hang out... sorry, I don’t think I’m ready for it yet.
A few thoughts. If you have children, may I suggest a nice big friendly dog to start with for protection. Also call the police (not with their 911 phone line, but the non-emergency number). Many police forces will either send someone to your house to discuss personal safety and things you can do to improve security or allow you to visit for such information.

I have concealed pistol licenses from two states. I do not recommend a firearm to anyone unless they are willing to really learn how to use it, what the laws governing the use of deadly force are where you live, and after careful consideration of if you are capable of using it to save a life by taking a life. If you can do those things, then yes, get a firearm license, but also get some very good (and expensive) firearm and ammunition storage for your home that your children can not get into. This is a horrible time to try to purchase a firearm or ammunition as both are in short supply.

Now an even more important set of cautions. Most handgun deaths in the USA are associated with suicide. You sound depressed. Please work through your depression prior to acquiring a firearm. If not for yourself then for your children. Children who deal with a realtive's suicide are more likely to commit suicide. My wife had a brother that committed suicide. Whatever happens you don't want to put your children, friends and family through the mental trauma of knowing someone who committed suicide.

Good luck. You may want some individual counseling on your grieving and depression.
 

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I know you're frustrated because he gets back out of jail,
 

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@Young at Heart dogs sound good. My grandparents used to have 2 German shepherds. To be honest, I don’t know if I can kill anyone, even if it means someone who wants to kill me. I grow up in a family that ... teaches me not to harm, it’s kinda embedded. Then again, I’ve never been so scared and hated anyone as much as him in my life. When he tried to kill me, I fought with everything I had to stay alive. I couldn’t overpower him though, just enough to stay alive and slipped away. I don’t really know if having firearm could make me able to take that leap. If push comes to shove... I think I would do whatever I can to stay alive then my conscience would most likely haunt me for years. One thing I know for sure though. I would never commit suicide, I would never subject my kid to that cruelty. I’ve fought this far mostly for the better future of my kid, a better, healthier family even if that means I have to be both the mother and the father. If I want to end my life, I would’ve done it already. Besides, I won’t give him the satisfaction to see my life ruined.
 

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@DownByTheRiver yeah. I wonder if I’ve been too lenient and should try to be harsher and get him locked up away longer. Sometimes compassion is wasted on people who will never know how to appreciate your kindness and your wish to be left alone in peace and while you’re being truthful, they’re just full of lies and buy time so they can twist facts, find chances to control you again. Then you become a fool again for believing the lies.
 

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The irony is that the very kindest people sometimes end up attached to the very worst most dangerous people because they are so nice and compassionate. But you've got to learn that your kindness does not rub off on them. They are who they are regardless of how nice you can be to them. You have to protect yourself. he's tried to kill you before and is stalking you and is very dangerous and needs to be locked up if you get the opportunity to do so.

A couple of German shepherds would be the perfect protection for you.
 

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You should be calling police each and every time he contacts you or you see him breaking his RO. They will have to lock him up at least for awhile. Maybe he'll get the message. And keep a log of everything for if it goes to court.
 

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I wasn’t someone easily scared. After he tried to kill me twice, even if I survived both times and I failed to get evidence to get him arrested for attempted murder, yes, I’ve become scared. I’ve barely escaped with my life the third time if the police didn’t arrive first.
I just dont get that, how did you not have serious injuries to show the police?
 

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I can’t sell this house. It’s joint ownership on the deed and court isn’t finalized yet.

I’ve... seen him in the backyard. There’s no fence. I’ve talked to a few of my neighbors into helping me putting fence. Both sides of my neighbors already got fence so I only need the back and front of house a bit.

I’ve also told the police he’s violated the restraining order by coming here. That aside, bottom line, if they catch him, he’s in jail but he will come out and not to mention before they catch him, what good will it do me if he gets to me first, right?

My parents are in their 60s, my grandparents are over 80s which is why I can’t go to them, covid? Not to mention it’s dangerous to travel and I’m an underlying patient. Flying is risky and driving to move house from east coast to L.A. is no fun. Besides I got no job, I can’t go to them, I might as well try to build a fortress here.

I’m thinking of installing one of those house alarm. Would that work with the windows too? Instead of bells. I may check out those cameras ideas. Thank you.
Maybe when you can sell just move. Or move before and get it sold at a distance once the legal stuff is done. We are well into our 60s and we help look after our grandaughter regularly, and would be happy to have any of our children to stay if they were in trouble. I am sure your parents would be the same. If you have no job then all the more reason to go. You can make a fresh start there and look for work once you are there. Covid is bad in the uk and we are in our second lockdown, but there is no way that I would live like you are in fear especially with a child. What sort of life is that for him if you can't go out? If you are always in that state? He needs you to be there for him, to be alive.What will happen if he doesnt stop? You can't keep a child locked up for years.

Yes cameras may help for now as you can then show the police if he comes. Make sure you have good strong locks on all doors and windows.
Only get a dog if you can care for it properly. They need regular walks and you will need money for food and vets bills etc. It would also have to be very good with young children.Not an easy ask. Also not all dogs are good guard dogs, some are just too friendly.
 

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@Young at Heart ........To be honest, I don’t know if I can kill anyone, even if it means someone who wants to kill me. I grow up in a family that ... teaches me not to harm, it’s kinda embedded. Then again, I’ve never been so scared and hated anyone as much as him in my life. When he tried to kill me, I fought with everything I had to stay alive. I couldn’t overpower him though, just enough to stay alive and slipped away. I don’t really know if having firearm could make me able to take that leap. If push comes to shove... I think I would do whatever I can to stay alive then my conscience would most likely haunt me for years. .....
Four things. First make sure you have a good understanding of use of deadly force laws as they are written and enforced in your location. In some locations the displaying of a firearm against an attacker to get them to stop is defined as brandishing and the person with the firearm (not the attacker) will end up be charged with a crime (that hopefully a jury will dismiss). Almost everywhere the firing of a warning shot is a crime and proof that in your mind you were not in immediate danger. If you draw a firearm first, then in many places you may forfeit your right to claim self defense because you escalated the confrontation to a deadly force confrontation not the attacker. The laws governing the use of deadly force are based on technicalities, the skills of attorneys and the wisdom of juries, but not justice or common sense.

Second, anytime you pull a firearm out to defend yourself, you must assume you will go to jail no matter what happens. If you actually have to defend your life or the life of another and it results in the death of someone else, expect that your entire savings, everything you and your family have worked for will be taken from you.

Third, if you have any shred of human decency expect to feel horrible about taking a life for the rest of your life. Look at all the soldiers who were in kill or be killed situations, survived and have lived with their actions for the rest of your life. I know few soldiers who took lives who want to talk about it to anyone but other soldiers.

Fourth, if you do choose a firearm, get lots of training. Put yourself in simulated situations where you have to make a split second life and death situation. Then go to a range (and using all range safety rules) imagine that simulated situation and practice pulling and shooting without stopping until the threat is no more. If you carry a firearm, you absolutely need to have thought through what you will do and have the muscle memory to perform in a crisis.

I want to add a little bit more to the last point, it might be training by others, friends, police officers, books, etc., but you will need it. If you actually do have to shoot someone in self defense and you know you will be investigated or tried for criminal offenses, you need to think about what you can do to maximize your change of not sending a long time in jail. First, carry the card of a skilled attorney in firearm laws in your wallet/purse. Second, know things you need to do as you are deciding whether to shoot or not. My suggestions are to step back and say in a loud voice, I am afraid for my life while moving backward in a direction so the there is a clear backstop behind the attacker should some of your bullets miss. Then keep shooting until you are sure the threat is over. When the police arrive, tell them you want to speak to your attorney before you say anything and tell them you think you may be going into shock and request a medical evaluation at a hospital.

Good luck. Based on what you have said I think a large German Shepard would be a good first step. Where I live there are some guide and assistance dog training programs where those dogs that don't make it are given up for adoption. That is one way to get a well trained adult dog in a hurry.
 

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@Young at Heart All of your explanation just make it to one point, never shoot even if it means I would end up being dead myself. Sadly to say, I’m probably the only one scared/hesitant to kill but my ex did not and would not hesitate to kill me. The only reason I’m still alive is because I’m lucky enough to manage a step ahead to ruin his cover up that he’s not the one killing me. As bad as it sounds, he gets on controlling a power game and he will get lots of money if I die.
 

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@Diana7 I’m in United States, I’m sure you heard how bad things are over here, Covid.

im not sure how much I can say why I can’t prove his attempted murder but he’s very ... calculated and proving attempted murder is not easy.

I would never put my parents in danger. I won’t do this to them, covid or... bring him to their doorstep. I will fix this.
 

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I'm sure everyone understands that domestic abuse is always done in private.
 

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I wish it’s just an abuse. It’s not just a saying when I say I nearly die. I was admitted to ER several times in critical condition but tying it to him is another matter. I guess it’s pointless to say it here as I cannot fully divulge. Besides I’ve reported. If they could pin him down, they would have already. I’m afraid saying too much may compromise my identity and put myself in more risks.
 

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I guess the difference is... is it everyday you run into a heartless person? How many woman has the unfortunate fate of having a murderer as husband especially one that’s hidden his nature so well?
 
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