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I thought I would be free after divorce, but how can I be free if I’m still scared of him?

I’m still scared one day he might shoot me dead like he threatened me, restraining order or not, there’s no guarantee stopping him from really doing that. I’ve bought baseball bat, stun gun to reassure myself but I’m still a little concerned. Would it help if I get a gun license?

Also, now I’ve slipped into... blues mode. It’s been a year ish, I don’t think I’m sad over my marriage anymore. I knew it was over a long time ago, I just stayed because I thought I was doing it for the kid but staying was a mistake, more harm than good. He was very abusive and being the witness to all that traumatized the kid. I should’ve left sooner.

Anyway, the last few months, I found myself becoming sad, feeling empty, cry for no reason, emotionally drained. My question is, any suggestion how to cheer myself up? I tried distracting myself with work. Not working, now I’m having trouble focusing. Also, in case what you have in mind is start another relationship, be it casual or hang out... sorry, I don’t think I’m ready for it yet.
 

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Anyway, the last few months, I found myself becoming sad, feeling empty, cry for no reason, emotionally drained. My question is, any suggestion how to cheer myself up? I tried distracting myself with work. Not working, now I’m having trouble focusing. Also, in case what you have in mind is start another relationship, be it casual or hang out... sorry, I don’t think I’m ready for it yet.
It sounds like you would benefit from speaking to your doctor about trying anti-depressants, and therapy as well.

Do you have any hobbies or do any volunteering? It's certainly harder with covid but keeping busy with things that you enjoy or make you feel good can help. You can look for ideas on Meetup and VolunteerMatch.
 

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Hi. Thanks for fast reply. Isn’t meetup more of dating site? Sorry it just sounds like it. I thought of getting a job I like earlier this year then covid hit and it’s not available to work from home and ... I don’t really want to leave my kid at daycare with covid going... I used to see therapist before I was separated. Now I can’t afford it.
 

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Hi. Thanks for fast reply. Isn’t meetup more of dating site? Sorry it just sounds like it. I thought of getting a job I like earlier this year then covid hit and it’s not available to work from home and ... I don’t really want to leave my kid at daycare with covid going... I used to see therapist before I was separated. Now I can’t afford it.
Have you talked to your doctor about these depression symptoms? Some therapists use a sliding scale, which may make it an option for you.

Meetup isn't a hookup site. There are lots of different groups and events that you can find based on your interests. They are online and in-person. It can help find or try out things you're interested in, and meet people with similar interests - new friends can be good.

They also have free events for mental wellness (anxiety, depression, self-compassion, mindfulness, etc) that may help you.
72790
 

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Join a support group, take up some hobbies, plenty of inexpensive ones such as learning to bake, gardening/houseplants, exercise, learning another language, increase your circle of friends, reach out to family members, ect

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk
 

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Dating should be the last thing on your mind, which you have said you are not ready for so good
Spend some time nurturing yourself back to emotional health .
Hobbies, friends , volunteer at a soup kitchen or animal shelter.
Sounds like a chat with your doctor or community health support might be beneficial.
Living with abuse changes your brain chemistry.
You will be on high alert for any perceived danger to you or your children . Many triggers from everyday life and from people around you can set you back.
It isn’t something you can heal from overnight. Be patient with yourself. It takes time
Embrace your bad days, you will have them , but don’t wallow in the negative thinking for too long.

Do something for yourself everyday.
Go for a walk , take a long leisurely bath.
Call or FaceTime a friend,
Watch the sun rise and sunset, they do wonders for the soul. Know that you did not cause your abuse .
If you fear for your safety, reach out to someone that can protect you .
Your instincts are probably spot on ...
better to be safe than sorry .
Abuse is insidious and it sometimes doesn’t stop due to separation.
 
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Discussion Starter #9
Thanks everyone for all the helpful comments. Bob, I checked the volunteer link you posted and applied for “read for blind/visually impaired people”, I’ll check that meetup, book club sounds good.

@nypsychnurse I would really appreciate it if you know of any online support group. To be honest, I’ve heard of support groups, but not virtual/online and I’ve never been to one. I actually can use 4 languages including my native language but I’m ashamed to say while I’ve planned to revise all of them, my current state of emotions render me... difficult to concentrate so... so far only 2 I am fluent, the other 2 are mostly fluent in just everyday language but rusty in technical terms (I was fluent in technical terms 5 years ago in all of the languages). That’s pretty much useless in professional work industry.

@cma62 could you tell me more about this community health support? I had a stroke earlier this year, now my parents oppose me from working using my brain, afraid I overwork it. I don’t want to leave home either, underlying health condition, heart problem. I wish there is someone I can count on to protect me but there’s no one, I can only count on myself. I wonder if I get a license then buy a gun, would I be less scared?

I’ve also been thinking about moving to another state. Would that help my state of mind?
 

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Oh my goodness you are paranoid for your safety and i don’t say this to be mean .
You cant be constantly worried and looking iver your shoulder.
You could probably get some free counseling from your local women’s shelter.
This is no way to live.
Please advocate for yourself
 
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I try talking to my parents. It doesn’t help. I end up... I can’t talk to my dad. He just scold me. My dad is ... too tough and me being emotional is something... too out of the blue for him to understand. My mum... how do I put it? I know Mum is supposed to be our support and role model. My mum is... sophisticated but she’s too soft, I’m always one tough cookie. Mum is always one to break down and I’m always the one to comfort her. The last time she saw me being vulnerable, she was restless, fidgety, and ... she got hypertension and she’s over 65 now, I don’t want anything to happen because she can’t handle it.

I used to love walking along quiet sandy beach but since I got married and moved here, there’s no beach. I tried reading mystery novels which is my other hobby, but even that, I find myself losing focus. I just stare into space. I should see therapist but I’m out of job and I can’t pay for therapist now. I can barely keep up with food and mortgage and my kid’s necessities.
 

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It’s funny I was actually considering going into hiding, shelter but now shelter is also ... covid high risk so I’ve decided to take my chance out in the open but I wonder what other precautions I can take to protect myself. I was going to move out of state earlier this year. Bad timing.
 

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I thought I would be free after divorce, but how can I be free if I’m still scared of him?

I’m still scared one day he might shoot me dead like he threatened me, restraining order or not, there’s no guarantee stopping him from really doing that. I’ve bought baseball bat, stun gun to reassure myself but I’m still a little concerned. Would it help if I get a gun license?

Also, now I’ve slipped into... blues mode. It’s been a year ish, I don’t think I’m sad over my marriage anymore. I knew it was over a long time ago, I just stayed because I thought I was doing it for the kid but staying was a mistake, more harm than good. He was very abusive and being the witness to all that traumatized the kid. I should’ve left sooner.

Anyway, the last few months, I found myself becoming sad, feeling empty, cry for no reason, emotionally drained. My question is, any suggestion how to cheer myself up? I tried distracting myself with work. Not working, now I’m having trouble focusing. Also, in case what you have in mind is start another relationship, be it casual or hang out... sorry, I don’t think I’m ready for it yet.
Yes far too soon for another relationship but if you are so afraid, have you thought of moving further way so he doesnt know where you are?
Do you have friends and family who can support you?
 

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It’s funny I was actually considering going into hiding, shelter but now shelter is also ... covid high risk so I’ve decided to take my chance out in the open but I wonder what other precautions I can take to protect myself. I was going to move out of state earlier this year. Bad timing.
We moved right in the midde of our first lockdown, it can be done.
 

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I think nothing will help as long as you are scarred of him going back for you. Can you move back where you came from, where you enjoyed your beach walks?
And yes, you seem depressed. If you not working, do you qualify for medicaid to get insurance?
 

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Discussion Starter #19
@Diana7 @WandaJ I can’t go back where I came from. I sold the house there when I moved here. This house is still on mortgage, which makes it harder. I was thinking of renting it out and move out of this state and get a new job but without a new job, not sure how I’m going to get a new place. I’ve been working all my life since 19 throughout university.

@She'sStillGotIt you’d have to read down to get my questions. 1. It’s safety concern 2. Like the question, I’m now feeling empty and blues and asking suggestions for pick me up ways.
 

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I can back to my parents but they’re old and I don’t wanna risk exposing them. My relatives are also ... kinda old. My two cousins are stuck in Europe working. I’m on East coast, my parents and relatives are on the other side, even my grandparents. And to be honest I’m scared of getting on the plane.
 
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