Talk About Marriage banner

How to avoid judging

4K views 13 replies 6 participants last post by  m1u2s3c4l5e6 
#1 ·
I broke up with a long term girlfriend 1.5 years ago. The main issue was she has what is essentially a phone addiction (which in turn is really an anxiety issue). After a LONG time telling her I couldn't play constant second fiddle to her phone (e.g. answering non-urgent texts during sex, etc), I ended it.
There is some talk of reconciling. I think she has partly, but not completely, dealt with her issue.
The problem I have, how do we work on establishing a healthy relationship, while she knows I'm going to be watching every time she touches her phone? It feels like a very judgemental/destructive dynamic, her walking on egg shells.

Any suggestions?
 
#2 ·
You cannot establish a healthy relationship until the two of you are healthy. If she still has this "addiction"/behavior then the destructive issue is still there. You're setting yourself up for round two.

Regardless, if you are going to give it a shot then you two need to talk and come up with some rules. For example, NO phones in the bedroom. Period. It's actually a really good idea for everyone to leave their phones in the kitchen, living room, etc. It helps with sleep and it makes your time in bed more meaningful. It's spent together, rather than staring at screens. So that's a good rule for everyone, but especially in your case. Another could be no phones during dinner or your couple time.

I think as she PROVES to you that she is working on this issue you will loosen up.

If she has so much anxiety that she is glued to her phone like that (is she expecting someone to die, what is it?) then she needs to be working with a therapist and working on herself every single day. There is plenty of information online and apps that are useful for anxiety and panic attacks. She may also need medication. Some anti-depressants work really well for anxiety.
 
#3 ·
Some fair points Bobert. One of the challenges is for a few valid reasons she does need to have access to her phone (sick parents, and some work demands). Those two make up maybe 20% of the usage. Small but still significant, which I guess makes it harder for her. She can't go cold turkey.
 
#4 ·
So for her parents (or nursing home if applicable) and work, can she set a different ringtone? That way she knows which calls/alerts are important and which are not. Alternatively, she can put her phone on "do not disturb" at night, dates, etc. and make a few numbers exceptions.
 
#6 ·
I would be very interested in what she got up to in the eighteen months break. When a couple break up and then get back together it’s usually a lot sooner than that.
And there’s plenty of ways to set up a phone to only ring if certain people call.
 
Top