[BeachGuy]

My stbx has never matured mentally. I know it, friends know it, family knows it, counselor says so, etc. She just never was able to go through life making normal adult decisions. It's like she's stuck at 14 years old (in her 40's now). I've given up her ever being any different. I honestly think there's some chemical imbalance but she would never go see a doctor about anything like that. And I don't say that to be mean. I've know this woman for 24 years and I really am concerned. I feel like by divorcing I'm leaving a third child instead of a spouse.

I don't know the reason she's like this, but she is. That said, how do you deal with someone like this? Divorce is imminent and I'm thinking in to the future about what our relationship will be like until our kids are grown and gone. I'm worried sick over her living alone with my children more than they're with me. She doesn't know how to deal with situations. Like if one says they have a headache, instead of giving them tylenol or something, she'll just say "Well go sit on the couch and rest." A few weeks ago, one daughter crashed on her bicycle and had a huge baseball sized raspberry on her arm and my stbx took a single bandaid and slapped it right across the middle of it. It didn't cover 1/4 of the scrape and the sticky part of the bandaid was actually on her bloody skin. I could give you a 100 other examples like this.

My normal way of dealing with this is to lash out and say something smart alec like "Are you kidding me???" Obviously that doesn't work and I don't plan on trying to get her to do any differently ever again. So that leaves the question, how do I start to deal with her a new way? Do I just talk to her like a child? Explain things like I would to my kids? That seems condescending to me but honestly, I can have a more meaningful conversation with my 13 year old than with my wife.

She lives in complete denial about everything. Won't make any decisions w/o someones approval. She won't make one single decision when it comes to our divorce. She will ask her father what to do and then will do exactly what he says, even if it's not something she really wants to do.

 

[BeachGuy]

I realized after I hit submit that I probably should've posted this in going through divorce or something. Sorry.

 

[Ten_year_hubby]

To paraphrase some of the excellent personal boundary guidelines that have been developed:

Communicate your support to your wife
Face your issues as real problems
Own your own problems
Get a plan
Work on it together

 

[A Bit Much]

If she reasons like a child then doesn't it make sense to relate to her as one? Why keep frustrating yourself needlessly to get her to understand logic as an adult if she clearly isn't capable of doing that?

Maybe it is condescending, but if you have to communicate with her in a way she understands then just do it and let it go.

 

[unsure78]

my exh is very close to that, though he is a bit more responsible when it comes to dealing with heath crises with the child, but he still tends to refer to me when something is wrong with the child. I have only been divorced from him for 7 months so im still trying to figure this out myself. For the most part as long as it doesn't hurt/put the child at risk i try to not interfere.

He still follows my lead on the kid and if I say something to him related to the child ( as long as its not in anger) he usually follows, but not always.

If you are that concerned have you thought of building a case and trying to get primary custody?

hmm is someone has actually a mastered dealing with a adult child i would love to hear how they did it....

 

[BeachGuy]

my exh is very close to that, though he is a bit more responsible when it comes to dealing with heath crises with the child, but he still tends to refer to me when something is wrong with the child. I have only been divorced from him for 7 months so im still trying to figure this out myself. For the most part as long as it doesn't hurt/put the child at risk i try to not interfere.

He still follows my lead on the kid and if I say something to him related to the child ( as long as its not in anger) he usually follows, but not always.

If you are that concerned have you thought of building a case and trying to get primary custody?

hmm is someone has actually a mastered dealing with a adult child i would love to hear how they did it....

Yeah, that's how she is. I can lead her to the right decision but she would never come up with it on her own.

It's not to the point that I think I should go for primary custody, especially now that the kids are older now. I'm gone 10 hours a day and she doesn't work so it's better for the kids this way. And we will live just a couple of miles apart and I'll see them most days. I'll actually live a lot closer to their school, activities, etc. than she will, so it'll be much more convenient for them to stay with me a lot. And my 13 year old loved staying with me when we were separated so I'm even guessing she might want to live with me most of the time.

 

[waiwera]

Have low expectations and assume that she doesn't know...no matter what the issue.
Then you won't be disappointed.

A friend was married to a man like this...we call him 'peter pan'.
He has survived the divorce just fine.
He is more self sufficient now... BECAUSE he doesn't have someone else to do everything for him.

You wife will probably grow and mature somewhat during the D, she'll have to.
Is she not going to get a job now?

But anyways... if your divorcing her you need to emotionally detach.

Sorry i should have read your old posts...I'm not sure why your divorcing. You seem to care an awful lot more than the usual leaving spouse.
Is it a 'friendly' divorce?

Edited: Geez...this has been going on for a long long time. I read a post of yours from 7.7.11 and you say then it's been going on for more than a year.... haven't been able to figure out why your divorcing yet??

Dude! You clearly really want this divorce.
Your W has has a year or more notice to get organised and get a job.
She isn't doing anything...because then you would be more likely to leave...that's my guess.
She is NOT a child and she has a degree so she must have some capabilities and tenacity to have completed that. Who knows maybe you underestimate her.

But think about it.... do you want to be here...posting again next year.. same old same old?

Look at the calender and circle a date to start your new life.

 

[ShawnD]

She doesn't know how to deal with situations. Like if one says they have a headache, instead of giving them tylenol or something, she'll just say "Well go sit on the couch and rest." A few weeks ago, one daughter crashed on her bicycle and had a huge baseball sized raspberry on her arm and my stbx took a single bandaid and slapped it right across the middle of it. It didn't cover 1/4 of the scrape and the sticky part of the bandaid was actually on her bloody skin. I could give you a 100 other examples like this.

Since her bandaid skills are illogical, it sounds like she can't think clearly, and she relies on memorization. She might have hardcore ADD.
The type of ADD mostly seen in women is called inattentive ADD, and having inattentive ADD makes a person space out and day dream constantly. It can look like the person is never really listening to anyone; they just wait for their turn to talk, and the things they say might stray off topic or have very little to do with the conversation. A person with ADD will often work on multiple projects at once, but have a hard time finishing anything. People with ADD are often talkers, and it can be annoying because it takes 10 minutes to explain something that should be explained in less than 30 seconds. They can't think clearly, so it's hard to plan things without talking or writing things down; they also have trouble estimating things like how much stuff will fit in a room or how long it will take to do things. Being easily distractable (like that movie Memento), people with ADD are often very messy, and they frequently lose things or forget things. They do things like misplace their keys and wallet on a regular basis. They do absent minded things like lock their keys in the car or kill the car battery by accidentally leaving the lights on.

Does any of this sound familiar? If so, she just needs drugs. Some amphetamine and a pat on the back would fix this immediately.

 

[BeachGuy]

Edited: Geez...this has been going on for a long long time. I read a post of yours from 7.7.11 and you say then it's been going on for more than a year.... haven't been able to figure out why your divorcing yet??

Dude! You clearly really want this divorce.
Your W has has a year or more notice to get organised and get a job.
She isn't doing anything...because then you would be more likely to leave...that's my guess.
She is NOT a child and she has a degree so she must have some capabilities and tenacity to have completed that. Who knows maybe you underestimate her.

But think about it.... do you want to be here...posting again next year.. same old same old?

Look at the calender and circle a date to start your new life.

I do really want to be free of it but two things hold me back; my kids and money.

I haven't circled a date, but tentatively plan on paying the lawyer in January or February and having him proceed with filing. I've already talked to him and he's just waiting on me. It's just very very hard for me to give up living with my kids full time. Seeing them every day, playing, fighting, goofing around. We separated twice before and it was very quiet in my house. I hated that. And it wasn't enough to just get out and do things. I wanted my children there.

I doubt she'll ever get a job. She'll get money from me for life most likely. And her dad will probably help her out so she doesn't have to go back to work. Either way, she'll come out smelling like a rose and I'll get screwed. 21 years of marriage and she hasn't worked in 14. It's taken me this long to swallow my anger and accept that and even be this close to filing.