How to act around my student

11693 Views 48 Replies 30 Participants Last post by moxy, Dec 6, 2012

jacknjill

Discussion Starter · Dec 5, 2012

I'd appreciate it if people don't judge me. I'm just looking for advice as I'm about to be honest. I realize this is wrong on every level.

I'm ashamed to be attracted to one of my art students. I'm middle-aged and she's probably in her mid twenties. She's extremely warm, beautiful, sweet, and she's got these big huge eyes that look at me in class and I can't help but smile at her. She's talented and a great student. She's also adorably shy and timid and is always asking me questions about her artwork after class. She's very driven to achieve an A, which makes me happy as a professor. We've made some long eye contact a couple of times and she's caught me looking at her. I smiled at her, but she doesn't smile back often, And I feel really ashamed and embarrased to be drooling over her and she's too innocent to really notice. Although I think she suspects. Just saying her name in class reveals my attraction to her and paying attention to her in class could reveal to much. I'm afraid to give compliment her art in front of the class (like i do other students) because I don't want to come a cross like I like her. See we're both married. I have six kids and love my wife. I would never do anything to mess with that. And I don't want to steal a beautiful woman from her husband. I just really have warm affectionate feelings for her and am at a loss on how to be a good teacher while still maintaining my distance and not "showing" my extreme attraction to her. I don't want her to feel uncomfortable around me and I know she does.

How should I go about this? I know that in most cases I'd stay the hell away from her, but she's going to be around for a few more years and avoiding her is not an option. She'll probably end up taking another one of my classes and I'm a mentor in her field.

Thanks,
Scared and confused.

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EleGirl

· #2 · Dec 5, 2012

Isn't the semester almost over?

So just ignore this. Give her an honest grade. She won't be around for much longer.

Maybe see a counselor to find out what is missing in your life so that you can fix that.

Reactions: 5

Thoreau

· #3 · Dec 5, 2012

Good for you recognizing these feelings for what they are, realizing they are wrong, and trying to change your behavior before starting down a path that could potentially ruin a lot of lives.

Refreshing to see.

No advice to give, other than maybe a year alone at a pond in the woods

. Others should be along to help soon.

Good luck professor.
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AngryandUsed

· #4 · Dec 5, 2012

If you remember your wife and kids and your married life, the precursor to infatuation will end.

Kill every thought of possessing the beauty, who is already somebody's.

Realize that your thoughts are making you a slave. Refuse every thought that is going beyond student-teacher relationship.

Also recognize your role, ie. teacher, all the time. Eventually, you will overcome this. Since you already know this as wrong, there is a good chance of overcoming....

Take care.

Jonesey

· #5 · Dec 5, 2012 (Edited)

Im not trying to be rude.but posting this so you want ruin things
For your sel over perhaps nothing. Your feelings we all can get them regardless of profession. But here is the thing
When i went to universety. I say this happen a lot..female students finds out professor ha a thing for the. And takes advantige.

Here is one sign.

You wrote

I smiled at her, but she doesn't smile back often

She's extremely warm, beautiful, sweet, and she's got these big huge eyes that look at me in class and I can't help but smile at her. She's talented and a great student. She's also adorably shy and timid and is always asking me questions about her artwork after class.That does sound like somone who is shy would do. She's very driven to achieve an A,

Im not saying doesent have feelings but just letting you know...

There was 7proffesors that got in to deep trouble .during my 4years at the school.. Please think about what i said.if or do i have point..only you can decide

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EleGirl

· #6 · Dec 5, 2012

Yes it's all her fault.. it's always the fault of the evil female student.... :scratchhead:

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Jonesey

· #7 · Dec 5, 2012

EleGirl said:
Yes it's all her fault.. it's always the fault of the evil female student.... :scratchhead:

Where did a call her evil??Its a known fact female students bonks professors for better grades..

You also need to understand one thing...If men could pull of this
WE WOULD DO IT TO..I know i did. Older women has for some reason unknown to me.seme to have thing for me.. so yes one singe female professor had some private time..In my case it was not because i needed help with grades..She was/is hot

EleGirl

· #8 · Dec 5, 2012

Jonesey said:
Where did a call her evil??Its a known fact female students bonks professors for better grades..

You also need to understand one thing...If men could pull of this
WE WOULD DO IT TO..I know i did. Older women has for some reason unknown to me.seme to have thing for me.. so yes one singe female professor had some private time..In my case it was not because i needed help with grades..She was/is hot

"Its a known fact female students bonks professors for better grades.." This statement is written such that it implies that all female students do this. That's so far from the truth that it's insulting to any woman who makes it through college.

A truer statement is that SOME small number of female students bonk professors just as SOME small number of male students do this.

We are not talking about SOME female or male students here who might bonk professors for grades.

We are talking about a young lady that this professor mentions. She has not made a pass at him and thus you are off base accusing her of wanting to bonk him for a grade.

You made up some wild fantasy about the young lady in his class... it's completely your imagination.

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AngryandUsed

· #9 · Dec 5, 2012

Lets stick to the thread, folks.

OP knows very well that he is ashamed for his thinking and intentions....

He came for help.

Syrum

· #10 · Dec 5, 2012

You are the professor, in a privileged position. Do not abuse your trusted position of power.

Stop thinking about this girl and think about your wife instead. Do somethings to connect with your wife, make sure you have time alone and change your thought process so that if the young student pops into your mind you change your thoughts to something else and go and look at a photo of your wife and children.

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Jonesey

· #11 · Dec 5, 2012

EleGirl said:
"Its a known fact female students bonks professors for better grades.." This statement is written such that it implies that all female students do this. That's so far from the truth that it's insulting to any woman who makes it through college.

A truer statement is that SOME small number of female students bonk professors I humble apologies you are completely right...Should have paid more attention how wrote it..

just as SOME small number of male students do this.

We are not talking about SOME female or male students here who might bonk professors for grades.

We are talking about a young lady that this professor mentions. She has not made a pass at him and thus you are off base accusing Accusing??? WTF is the matter with you???her of wanting to bonk him for a grade.

You made up some wild fantasy about the young lady in his class.HAve you even been to a university,even???.Professor´s are doing it all the time...
I WROTE DOWN WHAT I DID BECAUSE OP SEEM`S LIKE A DECENT GUY...IT WAS MORE OF HEADS UP

it's completely your imagination.

Jonesey

· #12 · Dec 5, 2012

AngryandUsed said:
Lets stick to the thread, folks.

OP knows very well that he is ashamed for his thinking and intentions....

He came for help.

And i gave him a head´s up.. IN case it could be like that.But according to Rosa Parks I was accusing that poor little girl..

Here was my ending
Please think about what i said.if or do i have point..only you can decide

daisygirl 41

· #13 · Dec 5, 2012

Well done for spotting this before it turns into anything damaging.
It sounds like you have built up a romanticised picture of this woman in your head and maybe she's not as innocent and shy as she portrays. She's not a young girl afterall, she's a married woman, so I guess she knows what she's doing. I'm not saying its for grades or anything like that but the Bambi style flirting she is doing with you doesn't sounds as innocent as you portray.

Just be careful and keep your professional boundaries in place. Put a picture of your wife and kids on your desk, to remind you what you have to lose and to give her the message that you are taken.
Be careful!
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moxy

· #14 · Dec 5, 2012

This Rosa Parks thing is rather confusing. What is that about?

OP, can you try to imagine her as someone who wouldn't entice you? Try to think of her as a person with a raging STD or as a person who is not a woman but a man dressed as a woman or as someone who is really ill or as if she were your own daughter or as simeone with a weird toilet fetish. None of those things have anything to do with one another, but throwing something weird in there might make you see her as a person instead if an object of lust and that might allow you to see past it. You've gotta take her off the pedestal so that you can interact with her in a normal way.

We've all had tempting thoughts about others -- students, teachers, colleagues, friends, whatever...the trick is not to dwell on those things or feed them. Sure, she may be lovely, but she is also a person with flaws and issues and maybe you can imagine them (or anything else that takes you out of your current attraction) to get out of this mess.

Sorry you're in an uncomfortable situation. Hopefully, when the semester is over, the issue will disappear....

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Jonesey

· #15 · Dec 5, 2012

daisygirl 41 said:
Well done for spotting this before it turns into anything damaging.
It sounds like you have built up a romanticised picture of this woman in your head and maybe she's not as innocent and shy as she portrays. She's not a young girl afterall, she's a married woman, so I guess she knows what she's doing. I'm not saying its for grades or anything like that but the Bambi style flirting she is doing with you doesn't sounds as innocent as you portray.

Just be careful and keep your professional boundaries in place. Put a picture of your wife and kids on your desk, to remind you what you have to lose and to give her the message that you are taken.
Be careful!
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Thanks for posting this...in a nutshell what i was trying to say.
You just have a way better way with world then me

Kasler

· #16 · Dec 5, 2012

Stop thread jacking jesus. Argue through PMs

Reactions: 1

Jonesey

· #17 · Dec 5, 2012

EleGirl said:
Wow, just wow. I do not run to their aid. Do me a favor and leave me alone.

You should not be infecting threads posted by people looking for help with personal attacks on posters.

If i was attacking you. You would be so right...

But im defending my post' s.wich you some how rewrite..

Stop with that..im will be cool.. Its nothing personal to you..Same would have happened to anyone here.. Who did the same..

SomedayDig

· #18 · Dec 5, 2012

Thread jacking Jesus is not a good thing

OP...consider the song "Don't Stand So Close to Me" by the Police. You are the one in control here and you would be the only one to blame should something ever happen with you and this girl. My only advice is to figure out why on Earth you would be having these thoughts. I mean, it's one thing to see a pretty girl but it's quite another to begin having romantic feelings under those circumstances.

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EleGirl

· #19 · Dec 5, 2012

I have removed most of my posts because I let myself get sucked into stupidity that has nothing to do with the OP's topic at hand.

Jonesey

· #20 · Dec 5, 2012

EleGirl said:
I have removed most of my posts because I let myself get sucked into stupidity that has nothing to do with the OP's topic at hand.

Smart move.And i will do the same....

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