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I am at a loss.. It all started around August of 2019, my husband had changed the settings in his phone and was talking to a female coworker through Whats App. When I found out, I confronted him and we had a whole blow up about it and he told me that it was absolutely nothing to worry about. She was just a friend and nothing more. I cried and told him I was afraid to lose him (we were having other personal issues and working on getting through it) but he told me I had nothing to worry about. He went overseas for a few months for training and when he came back, we talked about taking bigger steps to mending the broken pieces of our marriage.

Not even a month after his return (In October), we got into a huge fight and I was really overwhelmed with having a toddler, the issues in my marriage, and the class I was taking for work and I just wanted to give up. So, I told him that I wanted a divorce. He was so upset and didn’t speak to me for 2 days and would sit by the fire pit outside and drink his feelings away. Well, not even a week later, I told him I wasn’t 100% sure that I was ready to give up and that I was still considering divorce, but I wasn’t sure. That was when I found out that he was talking to the exact same girl that I was worried about in August and was told that I had nothing to worry about. He swears up and down, even to this day that they were only friends up until I said I wanted a divorce and she was also married and planned on leaving her husband of 6 years for my husband.

Things escalated very quickly between them and after thinking everything through, I told him that I didn’t want to give up and that I wanted to work through our issues. I told him that I didn’t want to lose him and I begged him to stay. He told me that he wasn’t in love with me anymore and that he was in love with her (we’ll just call her “L”). He came home with hickies on his neck from having sex with her in the back of our family vehicle and I just blew up on him. I was so hurt.

He immediately moved out after that and things have been so hard and confusing. He lives with a coworker of his and she lives with her two children where her and her husband lived together. My husband and I agreed that we still care about each other and want to be friends and be coparents for our daughter. He confides in me with everything, because even though him and L have been together for almost a year now, I still know him and understand him better than anyone.

He has told me multiple times that he doesn’t feel like him and L are going to work out. We are all in the military and plan on getting out. Her soon-to-be ex-husband is possibly moving to California within the next few years because his job will be moving him and she said she will follow where ever he goes for their two kids. My husband knows and understands that I will be moving back to my hometown in Florida and going to nursing school and raising our daughter around both of our families. He told me that he wouldn’t leave our daughter or be across the country from her, so he thinks that will be the cause of their relationship to end. He also tells me quite often about how she is so terrible to him. She calls him a piece of **** and a child and immature and tears him down really badly. She has pushed him towards being friends with me and said she had no problem with us being friends, but she always throws me in his face every chance she gets. She has told him “no wonder your wife was considering leaving you” and “I’m done with you. Go call your wife and ask for her back because I’m done”. My husband used to self harm when he was younger, but has not done that in YEARS. One night, he messaged me and said that he was going through a very hard time. Him and L had gotten into another fight as they always do and he was upset and started crying. She told him that she didn’t want to see his crying ******** and to take it upstairs cause she didn’t want to see his face anymore. He went upstairs and was really overwhelmed and started cutting himself for the first time in over 6-7 years. She just kept attacking him and tearing him down so he left for the night and stayed at my house. He told me how she said she was done with him for good this time and she wanted nothing to do with him and he was highly upset. He was drunk and saying how sometimes he reads back through our old messages and realizes how much I got him and I was so sweet to him and how I never tried to change him as a person and accepted him through the good and bad parts of him. He told me that he feels like L doesn’t truly get him like I do and she tries to change who he is as a person and that he sometimes wonders if he made the right choice by being with her and not working it out with me. He said he knew that we could work through our issues and sometimes he wish we did. The next day, she called him pissed off that he went to my house and she threatened to bleach his clothes and she went to his house and changed the locks on the door (which she doesn’t even live there). She packed all of his clothes in boxes and said that his friend didn’t want him living there anymore, but was too afraid to say it. His friend said that wasn’t true and she called me asking if we slept together. After I told her no, she hung up the phone, and of course they “worked it out” and got back together for the 40th time. He told me that she has repeatedly punched him and slapped him in the face and chest. One of the times she slapped him in the face, our daughter was standing right there and watched it.

A few weeks ago, my husband and I were on the phone. I don’t remember where the conversation sparked from, but I asked him why her. What made her so worth it to put up with the horrible way that she treats him? I told him that if I did not even HALF of the things she has said and done to him, he would have left me a long time ago. He went to reply and said “I know where your feelings lie and I don’t want to hurt you more than I already have so I won’t answer that. We aren’t ready for that conversation yet” and we left it at that.

Because of how unhealthy and toxic their relationship is, I told him that I didn’t want our daughter to be around her until they could work through their issues and we could all sit down and I could get to know her a littler better, so I knew who was around our daughter and he agreed. He dropped our daughter off at my house on 4th of July and she always tells me about her weekends with Daddy. Well, this time, she told me “I saw L and my friends”. I immediately called him and confronted him about it. He said that he only did it so she could play with L’s kids because my daughter hasn’t had exposure to other children in a while with COVID-19 and her daycare being at a limited capacity. I told him that I understood that and I have no issues with her children, just with her. Our conversation got a little heated and I asked him why he was getting an attitude with me, rather than just having a discussion with me. He told me “you’re just hurting me with this. I want her around our daughter”. I have been very overwhelmed lately with our anniversary coming up in about 2-3 weeks and I have really been struggling with missing him and wishing we could work through our marriage and wanting him back. Because of all of my built up emotions, I just kind of let them all out to him and I told him “I’M hurting YOU? You put yourself in my shoes for a day and you’d realize that I’m the one who’s been hurting. You left me for the exact same woman that you told me was only a friend and I had no reason to worry about her.” His response was “I get that, but I’ve lost everything.” I told him “you’ve lost everything!? I had to break the lease on our house because I couldn’t afford it alone and I didn’t want you to have to pay two rent payments. I had to uproot my whole life and move into a ****ty apartment because you left me. I lost my bestfriend and the person I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with. I have to see our 2 year old daughter cry for you some days and find ways to explain to her why daddy can’t just come over in the middle of the night. I am the one who is getting out of the military and changing my whole life, my career, everything to start over and let our daughter grow up around her family. Everything in my life is completely different than it was this time last year. I bet you don’t even remember that our anniversary is coming up. I’m freaking dying inside but I don’t tell you these things because I just want you to be happy. My feelings aren’t yours to handle anymore.. I’ve tried giving you your space to be happy but saying I’m hurting you is ********. How about you try being in love with someone and thinking you are going to spend the rest of your life with them and wanting so badly to work through our issues just for them to not feel that way about you and there’s nothing you can do about it. You try watching the person you love with all you have be in love with someone else who treats you so horribly. Don’t tell me you’re hurting and you’ve lost everything because I’m hurting too. I’ve lost everything too. At least you got L out of all of this and make you happy. What do I get? All I get is my heartbroken and wondering why I wasn’t good enough. Even after making changes to myself for the better and working hard to be a better woman, nothing is enough. You’d rather be treated like dirt rather than working it out with me and it’s destroying me. I don’t even drink that much, if at all, and I have my fridge stocked with alcoholic drinks to try and drown out the pain of losing you. I’m really struggling and I’ve never told you the full extent of it because I don’t want you to have to carry that weight but I feel like it has to be said at this point” and all he could say was “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you felt that way..” and we left the conversation at that.

Later that evening, I was at a coworker’s house with my daughter to celebrate 4th of July and I got a phone call from my husband’s friend. He said that my husband was in a motorcycle accident and was on his way to the ER and that he needed me to go up there. When I got up there, L was waiting for me, because the nurses were only letting spouses back with him once he was admitted into the hospital. I called him that night (I couldn’t be there with him because of COVID-19 visiting hours) and he sounded terrible and was really loopy and struggling to read the paperwork that he was filling out. I told him I would come by in the morning and help him with whatever he needed. I was up there all day yesterday with him and he was completely messed up. He needed surgery on his leg, the commercial diving school he has been in is no longer possible for him right now (which was his source of getting paid as of right now. He was doing school full time), he has horrible road rash all down his ribs and his arm, and he’s in a tremendous amount of pain. He kept apologizing to me the whole time I was there and saying that he was a piece of **** and he deserved this. He said it was karma for hurting me and he continued to cry and apologize. I asked him why he was saying sorry and he said that he can’t stop thinking about what I said the day prior on the phone and that he felt bad that he had to add more stress on me than he already has been. He said that he hates that he is hurting me so much and that he is so sorry but that he can’t help how he feels about L. He said that I will always have a special place in his heart and that he still loves me and I’m an amazing mother and an amazing person and that he appreciates all that I have done for him and still continue to do for him. I started crying and he hugged me and said that he wished he could give me a better answer and something that I actually wanted to hear. I told him that it was okay and that I wanted him to be happy and that if I’m not it for him than I’m not it and that that’s okay.

Later on in the evening, L wanted to visit him for a while and visitation had been opened up a little farther to anyone but it just had to be one person at a time. I left so she could be with him for the last hour of visitation and she stayed with him all through this morning. He got discharged this afternoon and I realized that I still had his wallet and he needed his ID for something tomorrow. I offered to drop it off at her house because I knew he’d be with her and she’d be helping him get around. She offered for me and our daughter to have dinner with them if it wasn’t too hard on me. I agreed because I knew our daughter had been asking to see him while he was in the hospital and it would be good for him to see her for a bit. I went over there for dinner and my husband was upstairs using the restroom. As I walked in, she was helping him get back into the bed and getting his next round of medication ready. She was playing with my daughter while I ate and she walked to her child’s room with our daughter to get toys for her. My husband looked at me and apologized again and I asked why he keeps apologizing. He said that he can see how hard this is for me and that he hates it, but she makes him happy. I told him “that’s all that matters. You deserve to be happy no matter what I think about it. I’m not going to force you into a relationship that you don’t want to be in” and we left it at that. They kept laughing and joking and he was smiling at her. They were telling stories about things they did together (not intentionally to upset me. Just in conversation). She was helping him adjust his legand he was talking about how she was making sure he wasn’t refusing to take his meds this morning at the hospital. They were all flirty and smiley and happy and I was just sitting there awkwardly. I finally decided that I overstayed my welcome and decided to leave. I thanked her for inviting me and our daughter and I told him to let me know if he needed anything at all. I walked out of the house, got into my car, and cried the whole way home. I can’t stop looking at my small little cheap apartment and think about her big huge beautiful home and wonder (maybe this is why he loves her so much. She has a BEAUTIFUL home). She made comments about how she was “so OCD” and her house was so spotless (mine isn’t a train wreck but having two year old, everything isn’t always in it’s exact place) and I think maybe this what makes her so much better than me. Then I keep thinking about how they were laughing and giggling together and I keep thinking well maybe I didn’t enjoy his company enough..

I miss him so freaking much and I know it has been 9 months, but it still feels like it just happened. I never should have brought up the idea of divorce, knowing that’s not what I wanted. I know I shouldn’t go around him and L and I shouldn’t allow him to talk with me about personal stuff and his relationship with her, but I can’t help it. I feel like I’m in a never ending cycle where I feel better and I get my confidence back and I think things are finally going to start to be okay and then it feels like I’ve just lost him all over again. I don’t know how to convince myself to just let it go and move on. I don’t know how to get myself to stop talking to him about personal things. I keep holding on to hope that when me and our daughter move back to Florida, he will move back too and they will break up and I can have him back. I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t get those thoughts to go away. My sleep schedule is awful. My confidence is up and down. I can barely eat and when I do, it’s not healthy things. I can’t help but wonder why she is good enough when she is so terrible to him when they are fighting (which is often) and I’m not. I was never that awful and abusive to him. Why does he love her and wants to be with her and put up with toxic abuse if he’s even said that he knew we could have worked it out? Why is he not as crazy in love with me like I am with him? How the hell do I stop loving someone who doesn’t love me anymore?? How am I going to get through this? I feel like it’s been 9 months and I haven’t made any progress like everyone thinks I have. I am a complete mess and I hatehow my life turned out. Why doesn’t my husband love me anymore? Why am I just second best? Why does he love me but loves her more? I just don’t understand..
 

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I feel like I’m in a never ending cycle where I feel better and I get my confidence back and I think things are finally going to start to be okay and then it feels like I’ve just lost him all over again. I don’t know how to convince myself to just let it go and move on. I don’t know how to get myself to stop talking to him about personal things. I keep holding on to hope that when me and our daughter move back to Florida, he will move back too and they will break up and I can have him back. I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t get those thoughts to go away. My sleep schedule is awful. My confidence is up and down. I can barely eat and when I do, it’s not healthy things.
The reason that you feel like it just happened is that is it happening, right now, every day. And you put yourself in the middle of his affair by talking to him, letting him come over, etc. You are not protecting yourself. In your post, it sounds like you have become addicted to the drama of his affair. Are you still having sex with him?

He's running to you crying about how awful L is. And have no doubt that he then goes home to her and tells her how awful you are. This is the game that cheaters play. It's part of how they manipulate the women they use.

So what do you do? You will not heal until you stop interacting with him the way you are. For your own mental health you need to stop talking to him. Here is something for you to read: 180 for Betrayed Spouses. The 180 describes how you should be interacting with him. You have to have as little contact with him as you can because you are going to stay in this emotional hell until you put distance between him and yourself.

Also, there is another reason you need to interact with him per the 180 ... as long as you continue as you are, you are encouraging him to stay in the affair. Yep. He has both of you... you and her. Why should he give her up when he can have the two of you? He's hit the jackpot... 2 women fighting over him. What a lucky guy! And he's so lucky because he has a wife that indulges him having an affair. Shoot, it sounds like you are not even getting child support, spousal support, etc. He's go it made.

Right now he is getting his emotional needs met by both you and L. If you end contact with him as much as possible, L will suddenly have to meet all his emotional needs. It sounds like most of the time she can hardly stand him, berating him, etc. (If it's even true that she mistreats him.) Without you to support him emotionally, he most likely will not be able to take her abuse at all.

The way it's suggested to start the 180 is that you tell him (either in person or via email) that until he ends the affair and agrees to work on reconciliation you are breaking contact. You two and text and email to setup him taking your daughter for her time with him. Also text and email can be used for anything such as health issues, etc. dealing with your daughter. He is not to call you to speak to you. Until he had ended his relationship with L permanently. And if at that point, you still feel that you want to work on your marriage, you will speak to him about reconciliation. Then stick by this.

Do you have any close friends or family members who can give you emotional support? Does your family even know what's going on? If at all possible, find one or two people you can confide in and get emotional support from. You might want to consider getting into individual counseling as well. You can, of course, come here to TAM and we will give you emotional support.

I can’t help but wonder why she is good enough when she is so terrible to him when they are fighting (which is often) and I’m not. I was never that awful and abusive to him. Why does he love her and wants to be with her and put up with toxic abuse if he’s even said that he knew we could have worked it out?
Have you ever seen her being abusive of him? Do you realize that this whole story he is telling you about her being awful could be a story to get you to feel sorry for him? He knows how to manipulate you.

Why is he not as crazy in love with me like I am with him? How the hell do I stop loving someone who doesn’t love me anymore?? How am I going to get through this? I feel like it’s been 9 months and I haven’t made any progress like everyone thinks I have. I am a complete mess and I hate how my life turned out. Why doesn’t my husband love me anymore? Why am I just second best? Why does he love me but loves her more? I just don’t understand.
The reason you are still crazy in love with him is that you have constant contact with him. Every time you see him or talk to him you re-bond with him. You will not stop loving him until you stop talking to him and seeing him.

There is a book that I think will help you out a lot: Surviving An Affair by Dr. Harley . It lays out a plan for dealing with an affair. In the book it talks about Plan A and Plan B. Plan A is basically what you have been doing thus far... being a good friend and wife with the hope that he will end the affair. However the book suggests you do it for 2 weeks, not 9 months. It's definitely time for you to stop Plan A. Now it's time to move to Plan B (the 180), it's time for you to let him know that you have to take care of yourself. And if he wants you in his life he has to end the affair. The book also gives very specific things that he would have to do to win your trust back.

You are not a worthless person. You are definitely a much better person than L. Your husband having an affair with her does not make her more worthy. Not by a long shot.

Is your husband in the military? Is L in the military? Does your commander know what's going on?
 

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So, first and foremost you need to protect your daughter. If you have proof that the OW - Other Woman - (who you referred to as L, let's call her what she is) is abusive then you need to get your daughter out of that situation yesterday. Like Elle said above, your husband could very well be lying about how horrible the OW is. It's pretty standard behavior.

You said your daughter was present when the OW hit your husband, who told you that? Was it your daughter? She is pretty young so I'm not sure she'd be reporting that back to mom.

Second, you need to protect yourself. STOP protecting your husband and using the "I just want him to be happy" lines. What about YOU? Don't YOU deserve to be happy? What about your daughter, doesn't she deserve a happy mother? The answer to both of those is of course, yes! His happiness is not, and never should be, your primary concern.

This situation is extremely unhealthy for you, and by extension, your daughter. You feel so poorly and like this just happened because it's STILL happening. You put yourself in the middle of the affair by going to their house for dinner, by allowing the OW to stomp in on visiting hours, by being your cheating husband's confidant, by allowing your husband to get off scot-free, and on and on.

You need to stop all of this and treat him like a separated or ex-spouse, because at this point, that is what he is. You will never move on and stop hurting if you keep doing what you're doing.
  • He no longer gets to confide in you because you are not "his person". That was reserved for marriage and he has stepped out of the marriage. Unless it is about your daughter and NEEDS to be discussed, you do not communicate with him.
  • You no longer go to their house for "family dinners". I understand that a lot of divorced couples can get along, if only "for the kids", but in your situation, it is not healthy and that's okay. Maybe, down the road, you will be able to do that but not right now. It doesn't make you a failure or a bad parent at all. What your daughter needs is a healthy mom, not a tortured one.
  • You no longer allow your cheating husband to get off scot-free. You have been separated for 9 months, have either of you filed for divorce? If not, you need to. You absolutely need to talk to an attorney to see where you stand and get your husband held accountable for his responsibilities... you and your child.
Is your husband paying interim alimony? If not, why? Is your husband paying child support? If not, why? OW or not, and whether he likes it or not, he still has responsibilities to you AND his child. If he doesn't want to pay, well, too bad! He should have thought about that before. Do NOT let him get off scot-free on this. You and your daughter should not be suffering while he lives lavishly.

You are letting him have his cake and eat it too. He has two women, lucky man! He knows damn well that if things don't work out with the OW, or if he gets bored of her, he can just go back to you. Until he finds another OW, at least. That cannot go on, it really can't. You need to read and implement the 180 that Elle linked above.

In regards to moving, you REALLY need to consult a lawyer. Your husband could very well stop you from moving to Florida because you cannot move a child across state lines like that. The issue would go to court and you would have to argue why moving away from her father (there is no guarantee he'd move too) is in your daughter's best interests. That is not an easy fight. Be prepared and talk to a lawyer.

If, and it's a big if, you do move and he follows you that doesn't mean you are going to walk into the sunset together. Reconciliation is hard, hard work and it's anything but sunshine and rainbows. Anything less and you'd be rug sweeping and setting yourself up for this to repeat with OW #2.

Lastly, please stop drinking. Seriously. It does you and your daughter absolutely no good. Alcohol is a depressant and isn't going to help your mood, it can also affect custody if end up an alcoholic.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
@Cee Bear If you are all in the military, what do your commanding officers think of the situation?
He has been discharged from the military and she is currently clearing to ETS. I spoke to their Commander about this when it first happened and they just counseled them on “inappropriate work relationships” and left it at that. Nothing else came of it and they thought that I was making the whole story up because I was upset that he didn’t want to be with me. His chain of command was not very reliable AT ALL with anything that I told them.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
The reason that you feel like it just happened is that is it happening, right now, every day. And you put yourself in the middle of his affair by talking to him, letting him come over, etc. You are not protecting yourself. In your post, it sounds like you have become addicted to the drama of his affair. Are you still having sex with him?

He's running to you crying about how awful L is. And have no doubt that he then goes home to her and tells her how awful you are. This is the game that cheaters play. It's part of how they manipulate the women they use.

So what do you do? You will not heal until you stop interacting with him the way you are. For your own mental health you need to stop talking to him. Here is something for you to read: 180 for Betrayed Spouses. The 180 describes how you should be interacting with him. You have to have as little contact with him as you can because you are going to stay in this emotional hell until you put distance between him and yourself.

Also, there is another reason you need to interact with him per the 180 ... as long as you continue as you are, you are encouraging him to stay in the affair. Yep. He has both of you... you and her. Why should he give her up when he can have the two of you? He's hit the jackpot... 2 women fighting over him. What a lucky guy! And he's so lucky because he has a wife that indulges him having an affair. Shoot, it sounds like you are not even getting child support, spousal support, etc. He's go it made.

Right now he is getting his emotional needs met by both you and L. If you end contact with him as much as possible, L will suddenly have to meet all his emotional needs. It sounds like most of the time she can hardly stand him, berating him, etc. (If it's even true that she mistreats him.) Without you to support him emotionally, he most likely will not be able to take her abuse at all.

The way it's suggested to start the 180 is that you tell him (either in person or via email) that until he ends the affair and agrees to work on reconciliation you are breaking contact. You two and text and email to setup him taking your daughter for her time with him. Also text and email can be used for anything such as health issues, etc. dealing with your daughter. He is not to call you to speak to you. Until he had ended his relationship with L permanently. And if at that point, you still feel that you want to work on your marriage, you will speak to him about reconciliation. Then stick by this.

Do you have any close friends or family members who can give you emotional support? Does your family even know what's going on? If at all possible, find one or two people you can confide in and get emotional support from. You might want to consider getting into individual counseling as well. You can, of course, come here to TAM and we will give you emotional support.


Have you ever seen her being abusive of him? Do you realize that this whole story he is telling you about her being awful could be a story to get you to feel sorry for him? He knows how to manipulate you.


The reason you are still crazy in love with him is that you have constant contact with him. Every time you see him or talk to him you re-bond with him. You will not stop loving him until you stop talking to him and seeing him.

There is a book that I think will help you out a lot: Surviving An Affair by Dr. Harley . It lays out a plan for dealing with an affair. In the book it talks about Plan A and Plan B. Plan A is basically what you have been doing thus far... being a good friend and wife with the hope that he will end the affair. However the book suggests you do it for 2 weeks, not 9 months. It's definitely time for you to stop Plan A. Now it's time to move to Plan B (the 180), it's time for you to let him know that you have to take care of yourself. And if he wants you in his life he has to end the affair. The book also gives very specific things that he would have to do to win your trust back.

You are not a worthless person. You are definitely a much better person than L. Your husband having an affair with her does not make her more worthy. Not by a long shot.

Is your husband in the military? Is L in the military? Does your commander know what's going on?
My family is aware of it and has been pretty helpful, but I feel like they are tired of hearing about it so they act as if they are annoyed that I’m not over it yet. They would never actually say that to me, but that’s how they make it seem when they react to how I talk about it. We were still having sex in the first few months, but I cut that off and told him that it was way too much for me and that I didn’t want to be that OW for someone else. So we are no longer having sex. We have just been talking about way more personal situations together than we should be. Now that you point it out, I haven’t seen her actually get physical with him, but I have seen messages from her calling him things out of his name. Other than that, I don’t know what is and isn’t true. I will definitely not be going to their house again. I have no idea why I thought that I could handle that at all.
 

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My family is aware of it and has been pretty helpful, but I feel like they are tired of hearing about it so they act as if they are annoyed that I’m not over it yet. They would never actually say that to me, but that’s how they make it seem when they react to how I talk about it. We were still having sex in the first few months, but I cut that off and told him that it was way too much for me and that I didn’t want to be that OW for someone else. So we are no longer having sex. We have just been talking about way more personal situations together than we should be. Now that you point it out, I haven’t seen her actually get physical with him, but I have seen messages from her calling him things out of his name. Other than that, I don’t know what is and isn’t true. I will definitely not be going to their house again. I have no idea why I thought that I could handle that at all.
My take on it that you are a very good person and have been trying to be reasonable to a fault. That's most likely why you thought you can handle going to their (her) house. But maybe going there was a good thing in that it sounds like you going there has shaken to the point that you now realize it's time for you to protect yourself and your daughter.

Have you spoken to an attorney?

Has your husband been giving you any child support, or are you supporting yourself and your daughter with no help from him?
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
My take on it that you are a very good person and have been trying to be reasonable to a fault. That's most likely why you thought you can handle going to their (her) house. But maybe going there was a good thing in that it sounds like you going there has shaken to the point that you now realize it's time for you to protect yourself and your daughter.

Have you spoken to an attorney?

Has your husband been giving you any child support, or are you supporting yourself and your daughter with no help from him?
You’re definitely right that it shook me up quite a bit! It was what led me to this forum to get advice and figure out what to do to get past this and I’m honestly thankful for it for that reason. As far as getting an attorney, I haven’t reached out to an attorney yet. Partially because I feel like I was holding on to hope that I could win him back and an attorney wouldn’t be necessary and also because I am moving across the country in a few months so I was planning to get that process started once I am in Florida and with my family and have some support. I am currently all alone with my daughter right now. He has bought her pull ups and some toys here and there but I haven’t gotten much support from him at all since he left. I found out that he went to Vegas and Portland with L and some other spontaneous trips, but hasn’t seemed to give much help as far as child support. He sees her just about every other weekend, sometimes two weekends back to back but I always have to pack her clothes, pullups and wipe, toys, etc. He buys the necessities when she runs out while she’s there but it’s usually the small packs that will only last a few days.
 

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You’re definitely right that it shook me up quite a bit! It was what led me to this forum to get advice and figure out what to do to get past this and I’m honestly thankful for it for that reason. As far as getting an attorney, I haven’t reached out to an attorney yet. Partially because I feel like I was holding on to hope that I could win him back and an attorney wouldn’t be necessary and also because I am moving across the country in a few months so I was planning to get that process started once I am in Florida and with my family and have some support.
I agree with bobert: “Do not move until you speak to an attorney. That is crucial.”

If you move your daughter to Florida without a court order from your local courts allowing you to do that, your husband can file kidnapping charges against you for taking his daughter out of state without his consent. If that happens, your daughter will be returned to him. You will then be in Florida and find it very hard to fight for custody and for your rights in your divorce.

Also, if you move to Florida, you will have to live there for 6 months to establish residency before you can file for divorce. If your military home of record if Florida this might not apply.

But if you do file in Florida and your husband does not live there, he can file for the divorce to be moved to your current state because that’s your daughter’s home of record. And again, he could get a court order that your daughter to be returned to the state where he is living. (Assuming it’s the same state you are in now.)

I also want to reiterate that filing for divorce could be the thing that ends their affair… if you still want him back. How do you think she’s going to react if he has to pay you child support, maybe alimony, and have to pay for an attorney? Right now, they are living in fantasy land. After all he does not have to support his family financially or emotionally. So, it’s like he’s a single guy with no responsibilities. Most affairs fall apart when the betrayed spouse files for divorce.

I am currently all alone with my daughter right now. He has bought her pull ups and some toys here and there but I haven’t gotten much support from him at all since he left. I found out that he went to Vegas and Portland with L and some other spontaneous trips, but hasn’t seemed to give much help as far as child support. He sees her just about every other weekend, sometimes two weekends back to back but I always have to pack her clothes, pullups and wipe, toys, etc. He buys the necessities when she runs out while she’s there but it’s usually the small packs that will only last a few days.
They way this should work is that he has to provide her with all the things she needs at his place: toothbrush, clothing, toys, pullup, etc. Oh, and a bedroom and bed of her own. You should not have to provide anything.
 

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I will look into it!
There are attorneys who will give half hour to one hour appointments in hopes that you hire them. Talking to 2 or 3 of them would give you a chance to ask a lot of questions and get info.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
I agree with bobert: “Do not move until you speak to an attorney. That is crucial.”

If you move your daughter to Florida without a court order from your local courts allowing you to do that, your husband can file kidnapping charges against you for taking his daughter out of state without his consent. If that happens, your daughter will be returned to him. You will then be in Florida and find it very hard to fight for custody and for your rights in your divorce.

Also, if you move to Florida, you will have to live there for 6 months to establish residency before you can file for divorce. If your military home of record if Florida this might not apply.

But if you do file in Florida and your husband does not live there, he can file for the divorce to be moved to your current state because that’s your daughter’s home of record. And again, he could get a court order that your daughter to be returned to the state where he is living. (Assuming it’s the same state you are in now.)

I also want to reiterate that filing for divorce could be the thing that ends their affair… if you still want him back. How do you think she’s going to react if he has to pay you child support, maybe alimony, and have to pay for an attorney? Right now, they are living in fantasy land. After all he does not have to support his family financially or emotionally. So, it’s like he’s a single guy with no responsibilities. Most affairs fall apart when the betrayed spouse files for divorce.



They way this should work is that he has to provide her with all the things she needs at his place: toothbrush, clothing, toys, pullup, etc. Oh, and a bedroom and bed of her own. You should not have to provide anything.
I’m glad you both mentioned that because I didn’t realize he could report me for kidnapping. I will definitely look into it! I’ll also see about filing for divorce while I’m here. Hopefully the court is still open for that with COVID-19 still going on.
 

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Alright, you have got the right advice. There is not one bad suggestion here. You need to stop thinking of your husband as your friend. He is not your friend. And right now, he is not a good guy. He’s been easy going so far, because you haven’t made him accept any consequences. But believe me, he doesn’t feel all that bad about you being in pain. He’s got it set up that you are comforting him as he screws you over. You don’t have to be vindictive, but it’s likely that once you start to prioritize yourself, his ugly side is going to come out. But it’s time for him to step up and deal with the consequences. Your first priority is your daughter and for her sake, you can’t let him slide on his financial responsibilities for her. Call a lawyer tomorrow. In the morning. First thing.

And as for wanting him back... I know it doesn’t feel this way, but you will never trust him again. Even if he does come back, you will always know that he isn’t trustworthy. And the reality is, even if it doesn’t work with L and he does come back to you, there will be someone else. He’ll cheat again. He is probably going to cheat on L at some point. He isn’t the man you are in love with. That man no longer exists.
 

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I’m glad you both mentioned that because I didn’t realize he could report me for kidnapping. I will definitely look into it! I’ll also see about filing for divorce while I’m here. Hopefully the court is still open for that with COVID-19 still going on.
Most courts in the country are handling things like divorce, custody, etc. People just cannot put their lives on hold. A lot of courts are handling things virtually. So are attorneys. This might mean that any appointments you have with an attorney right now will be either over the phone or on something like skype.

But It's all doable. Take care of yourself and your daughter.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Most courts in the country are handling things like divorce, custody, etc. People just cannot put their lives on hold. A lot of courts are handling things virtually. So are attorneys. This might mean that any appointments you have with an attorney right now will be either over the phone or on something like skype.

But It's all doable. Take care of yourself and your daughter.
Thank you so much. I will make some phone calls and see what I can do!
 

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Let us know how it goes.

Do you two share a bank account? Or do you each have your own? If he has his own account and investments, do you have any paperwork, or info, on them?
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
Let us know how it goes.

Do you two share a bank account? Or do you each have your own? If he has his own account and investments, do you have any paperwork, or info, on them?
No everything we have is completely separate. I don’t know any of his information.
 

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No everything we have is completely separate. I don’t know any of his information.
If there is any way for you to find it out, you need to. Does he get his mail at the other woman's house? Or does it come to your house?

When you file for divorce, you will have to submit some paperwork that lists all your and his accounts and assets and bills, credit cards, and other debt. You can list as much of his that you are aware of. But if you have none of his info, you won't be able to include that.

He will have to do the same thing. If you have none of his info, he might be able to just not include assets and you would not be able to challenge it. Do you at least know which bank he has accounts with? Does he have saving or investments? If you know the name of the bank, your lawyer can write to the bank asking that they provide info on all his accounts.

Is there any chance that he left some paperwork with you? Keep in mind that just because you two have separate accounts, the courts won't care. Everything you two earned during your marriage is community property. The money in his accounts is 50% yours and the money in yours is 50% his.

I don't know what your (yours and his) financial situation is. But the following assumes that there are some community assets.

Also keep in mind that if he has been running up bills since he left you, you are still as responsible as he is to pay them. For example if he does not pay his medical bills, the hospital and medical providers can come after you. Does he have medical insurance that covered his recent hospital stay and any other medical care since then?

Your lawyer might be able to file something saying that the date of your separation was months ago when he moved out. That might save you from being responsible for any bills he's made since then. It depends on how this is handled in your state.

Another thing you could ask an attorney about is that since your husband has been living with another woman there is a chance that he has been spending marital assets/income on his affair. One of my sisters went through this. Her attorney subpoena all of her husband's bank statements, credit cards bills, etc. She was able to identify thousands of dollars that he had spend on trips, rent, dates, etc. with his affair partner. Because of this, she got a larger portion of assets in the divorce. And the judge awarded their house to her 100% as penalty for him wasting marital assets.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
If there is any way for you to find it out, you need to. Does he get his mail at the other woman's house? Or does it come to your house?

When you file for divorce, you will have to submit some paperwork that lists all your and his accounts and assets and bills, credit cards, and other debt. You can list as much of his that you are aware of. But if you have none of his info, you won't be able to include that.

He will have to do the same thing. If you have none of his info, he might be able to just not include assets and you would not be able to challenge it. Do you at least know which bank he has accounts with? Does he have saving or investments? If you know the name of the bank, your lawyer can write to the bank asking that they provide info on all his accounts.

Is there any chance that he left some paperwork with you? Keep in mind that just because you two have separate accounts, the courts won't care. Everything you two earned during your marriage is community property. The money in his accounts is 50% yours and the money in yours is 50% his.

I don't know what your (yours and his) financial situation is. But the following assumes that there are some community assets.

Also keep in mind that if he has been running up bills since he left you, you are still as responsible as he is to pay them. For example if he does not pay his medical bills, the hospital and medical providers can come after you. Does he have medical insurance that covered his recent hospital stay and any other medical care since then?

Your lawyer might be able to file something saying that the date of your separation was months ago when he moved out. That might save you from being responsible for any bills he's made since then. It depends on how this is handled in your state.

Another thing you could ask an attorney about is that since your husband has been living with another woman there is a chance that he has been spending marital assets/income on his affair. One of my sisters went through this. Her attorney subpoena all of her husband's bank statements, credit cards bills, etc. She was able to identify thousands of dollars that he had spend on trips, rent, dates, etc. with his affair partner. Because of this, she got a larger portion of assets in the divorce. And the judge awarded their house to her 100% as penalty for him wasting marital assets.
Anything of his I got rid of when I moved out of our home and into an apartment, because I couldn’t afford the rent on my own. I do know who he banks with though so I will talk to a lawyer about that, because I know he has gone on multiple trips with L throughout all of this. As far as his medical expenses, there are none from being in the military. It’s completely covered. Some of his mail comes to my house and some of his mail goes to one of his coworker’s houses that he has been staying with when he’s not with L.
 
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