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Discussion Starter #1
So my wife just drove home from work in the middle of her shift and started to cry when she got here. She said there was no way to fix what happened and that she was so sorry. My first thought was that she had been laid off or fired. Instead she told me this story...

There's a guy at work, (we'll call him John as she won't tell me his name) that she talks to now and then and although they don't work in the same department, when they see each other they hug and say hi. They started to e-mail one another and it started off innocently enough. John asked her out to lunch several times and she often declined as she was too busy. Finally after some time, she did go out to lunch with him.

The e-mails continued and progressively turned more and more personal. She said she said a lot of "stupid stuff." And he would respond back with more "stuff" and back and forth, etc. When I pressed her on what "stupid stuff" meant she wouldn't tell me exactly what was said.

So apparently John and his wife have been having marital problems. John's wife has been snooping through his phone and e-mail and allegedly found incriminating text messages and e-mails. Yesterday, the wife opened up an e-mail account with our house address as a username. She proceeded to send my wife multiple e-mails detailing how she knows what they're up to, and she's going to tell me what's going on, and F U etc etc. The wife plans on bringing a printout of all the e-mails to me to prove what is going on...

I really don't know exactly how to react to all of this. My wife says she never "did" anything with John but she continues to tell me how sorry she is. I asked to see her texts but she won't show me. There have been several other clues over the last year plus that might indicate infidelity, or they might indicate that I'm paranoid.

I guess I'll wait to see what happens??? Either John's wife shows up with the e-mails or she burns my house down in retaliation.

Sorry for the lengthy rant.
 

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You just got your proof..You are not Paranoid, more than likely she told you before his wife did...Her not showing the texts is total BS, get them, maybe you got lucky and it got stopped beofre it progressed, but until you get all the info you wont know for sure, DO NOT TRUST what your wife is telling you, read up on here about the trickle truth..this link will help you....
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

You also should talk with the OM wife, she may know quite abit more than you think.

PS...Do not under any circumstance, cry, beg, or plead with her..it will not work, (been there done that, it wont work) for if you do, it makes you look weak, think about that....you can not nice them out of an affair.
Also get the book "Not Just Friends"
 

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Your wife is still protecting the OM (other man) and it apperas she is sorry she got caught and would have kept the affair going if the OMW (other mans wife) didn't find out. This is a solid sign of little remorse, sure shes sorry for hurting you and feels bad, but at the end of the day her choice to have this EA or even PA is all on her and needs to own it and take responsablity...that includes;

telling you and showing you everything = a consequence in exposing her shameful behavior.

exposing the OM and giving you the info on him so you can compare stories with OMW = a consequence in no longer protect her boy friend.

A NC(no contact) letter writen by your wife and sent by you again another consequencse

Exposure to her family and friends.

Individual conceling to fix this behavior of lack of boundries , intitlement issues, or what ever her problem is in why she can't affair proof the marriage.

Quiting her job, every time this cowork crosses path with yout wife, those feeling will come back and it will continue to effect the dynamics of the marriage. Very important and one of the bigest consequences.

She must face these consequences and learn the tools to prevent this from happening again. If you guys sweep this under the rug ....yeasr from now it will happen again.

True remorse is owning up and taking the resposibility for the choices she made in dealing with an unhappy marriage.

Get tested for STD's (both of you) who knows how many women have been with OM. Again another consequences to prevent this from happening again and a sign on how serious this is.
 

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Sorry dude, but I think she has been receiving "Sperm Injections" from John for a while now. (Just my opinion). Insist on full disclosure and full access to everything from her. If you don't get it, detach from her immediately! Meaning keep your distance from her, make her think she is going to loose you.

Contact John's wife right away and get the story from her then call the company's HR department and tell them they have an employee that is a predator on women. Then expose this to everyone.
 

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Tell your wife that you demand to know who the other man (OM) is. Tell her that if she will not come clean that you will assume the worst and file for divorce. Tell her that it is bad enough that she has cheated on you, but to not come clean means that she is still cheating. Once she tells you the name, demand to see the emails. She needs to do this right now. Tell her that once the OM's wife tells you everything that she will have lost the opportunity forever to try to earn your trust back. Be firm and do not back down. Your current marraige dynamic is not sustainable. The best odds of saving your marriage long term is to be willing to end it. Sorry that you are here. Good luck and be well.
 

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Please read the newbie link in my signature. Your wife has a whole bunch of things she'd better do NOW, or you should kick her out.

You also need to be tested for STD's. ALL cheaters say 'nothing happened'.
 

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Her refusal to show you the text messages shows that they got sexual and might have included plans to meet for sex or even saying how great it was after they did it.

You are not paranoid. Do not allow your wife to trickle-truth you. She only confessed because John's wife caught them.

I would contact John's wife ASAP so you can compare notes. You need to get more facts before you make a decision.

Edit: I missed the part where she is still protecting John by not telling you his name. Affair still in full force and they are conspiring to hide it. Yeah they had sex.
 

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Your wife is not sorry for her actions and she is most likely not telling the truth

1] She refuses to show you the text messages.
2]She refuses to tell you what " silliness " they emailed each other about.


If it was just an EA, then she would have talked. But there is seriously incriminating stuff inside those texts & emails.

Contact the OM's wife as soon as possible, and tell your wife that you want the truth or she could start packing her stuff.

Block any access to the OM.
 

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You're wife is right in at least one regard. There is no way to fix it as long as she continues to withhold information from you, IMO what she's done/is doing to you is just about one of the worst things a cheater does to the spouse they betrayed. She told you, "hey - I threw our marriage vows out the window but that's all I'm going to tell you."

Here's what she's doing. She's withholding info while she and OM try to get a story straight that they both think they can sell. Their agenda in the conspiracy is to 1. not get divorced and 2. be able to continue their relationship. I know that sounds twisted, illogical and irrational - know why? Because it is but that's what's going on.

The only way she fixes it is by giving it all to you, giving up trying to control or spin the situation, giving you all of the info and praying that in a massive display of honesty and capitulation you may just give her another chance.

Your stuck until she comes fully clean - until then she's still picking him over you.
 

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It does sound a lot like what amounts to an emotional affair and possibly a physical one. At the minimum, I would get into a counselor and start talking about what did happen and start working on resolving the issues. It will not resolve by ignoring it and just moving on. The underlying problems and now trust issues will be there festering.
 
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Why didn't you showed her the doors when she is not ready to come clean? Don't believe that its only an EA.

She is still in the A, she confessed not because she loves you or felt guilty for cheating on you but because OMW found out and was going to expose her to you. She is not giving you to details so as to straighten up the stories with OM.

Dont trust a word she says, she is a liar who lied to you during her entire A.

Dont beg or plead, man up and put a bold face even if you want to R this marriage.

Expose her to her family and your family. Report their A to the HR. She should leave her job if you want a R, else they will be in contact and continuing their A underground.

She should be on her knees begging you for forgiveness and do anything needed for you to heal. She should be transparent.

Man up man up man up. Do the 180 and detach detach detach from her.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
Thanks for all the speedy responses. There's definitely a wealth of information on this site and it's almost overwhelming.

I don't want to make any rash decisions, as there are our two kids, 8 & 9 to consider, and I don't want to screw with their lives until I have 100% confirmation.


When my wife left to go back to work today, she told me to keep the garage closed so the other wife won't see I'm home. Apparently, my wife said the OMW was parked out in the street last evening waiting for me to come home to show me the e-mails. But since I work a night shift I never saw her.

I've already looked out the window like ten times.
 

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Thanks for all the speedy responses. There's definitely a wealth of information on this site and it's almost overwhelming.

I don't want to make any rash decisions, as there are our two kids, 8 & 9 to consider, and I don't want to screw with their lives until I have 100% confirmation.


When my wife left to go back to work today, she told me to keep the garage closed so the other wife won't see I'm home. Apparently, my wife said the OMW was parked out in the street last evening waiting for me to come home to show me the e-mails. But since I work a night shift I never saw her.

I've already looked out the window like ten times.
Why are you letting your wife drive this process? She should NOT be in control of the information.

ETA: You're in for a very rough ride if you continue this path...

C
 

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Um, you DO have confirmation. She told you. And apparently the OM's wife is about to tell you too.

Look, you NEED to man up right this second. It's yoru best shot at saving your marriage (i that is what you want).

Tell her RIGHT NOW she has ONE chance to tell you everything, including his name, and if she doesn't and you have to hear it from someone else, you cannot at all guarantee you are going to be there for her.

SHE HAS TO FEAR LOSING YOU. Not the other way around. It's your best shot.

We know. We read this every single day and know what your best chances are. If you don't stand up for yourself right this second and tell her you need the truth, you are going to blow this thing. She has to know you are NOT fvcking around.

The "doormat" approach DOES NOT work.



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She'd either be 100% transparent or 100% gone. She's already "confessed" to inappropriate communications but she won't produce the real evidence? The only logical conclusion is that she's concealing something worse...more than likely, a full blown affair. If this other woman hadn't stumbled across evidence, you still wouldn't know. I believe I'd be seeking dude's wife out and finding out what she knows.
 

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Scuse me - your wife told you to HIDE from the OMW?

You're ignoring your wife, right? You're still going to get the emails from OMW, right?
 
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